Friday, January 31, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 31) The Juggler.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.


"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."


"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."


The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.


A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the salesman to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to celebrate and unwind every so often to recharge your batteries.   Super Bowl weekend is one of those times to party!!!    But remember, never try to juggle drinking and driving, or you could end up getting pulled over and torching your career, or worse. 
   

"It's hard to juggle being a businessperson with being a creative person.  You have to organize yourself."   -  Vera Wang




Thursday, January 30, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 30) The Super Bowl.

After working hard all week long, the salesman couldn't believe it was Super Bowl Sunday.   This was his one day in the year where he was allowed to do whatever he pleased.
   

The day before he had arranged for a pizza delivery just before the game, and an order of chicken wings to arrive at half-time.   His new 80 inch flat screen TV made the players seem almost life-size!   He had four bags of different flavored potato chips, one for each quarter and a case of his favorite beer to keep him hydrated.
  

Prior to the game itself, the salesman had watched a full seven hours of pre-game coverage, and after fully weighing all the information against what his gut was telling him to do; he finally placed the bet with his bookie.   He was good to go.


Unfortunately for the salesman, he fell asleep halfway through the first quarter during an official time out and play review.


His wife woke him the following Monday morning, from his favorite Lazy-boy recliner in the middle of his man cave, when she yelled at the top of her lungs, "It's twenty to eight!"


"For who?" asked the salesman sleepily.  "Denver or Seattle?"


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to establish priorities and stick to them in order to achieve their goals.   That's why between now and Super Bowl Sunday, sales professionals everywhere will be scaling back their usual activities and resting up for the big game.   Remember if you find yourself a little bit tired during the big game, add in a couple cups of coffees between beers.   Enough caffeine and you can stay awake through anything.  Don't give being able to get into work the following Monday a second thought.  Vegas odds are 9 - 4 against any salesmen making in on time Monday anyway.   Statistically,  the Monday after the Super Bowl is one of the biggest sick days of the year, and every knows only losers bet against the odds.   In fact, a pair of medical doctors have researched the situation and have almost officially named this new disease, NFLuenza.


"You may not win the Super Bowl.  Your kids may not go on to be doctors and lawyers and everything may not go perfectly.  That doesn't mean it was a bad plan or the wrong thing.  It's just like a football season.  Everything's not going to go perfect."         -  Tony Dungy




Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 29) The Pearly Gates Quiz.

Three salesmen died in a car crash, because of blowing and blinding snow, on their way to the Super Bowl.   Since their lives were cut short by an act of nature, all went to heaven where St. Peter quizzed each one.


"What's your IQ?" St Peter asked the first salesman.


"210," the first salesman replied.


"Maybe we can get together with Einstein next week and discuss what you think of his Theory of Relativity," suggested St. Peter.


St Peter turned to the second salesman, "What's your IQ?"


"170," the second salesman replied.


"How would you like to meet Steve Jobs and discuss the future of the personal computer in the age of the smartphone?"  asked St Peter.


St. Peter turned to the third salesman, "What's your IQ?"


"40" replied the third salesman.


"Hey, how about those Seattle Seahawks?" asked St Peter.  "How do you like their chances this weekend?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to keep yourself up to date on a wide variety of conversational topics.  A limited vocabulary or a small number of life experiences, will limit your ability to connect with others.   Such a limitation will make it nearly impossible to score any big deals because you're pinned down to just a few topics of conversation within a limited potential customer pool.    Kind of like the Seattle Seahawks facing third and ten on their own 5 yard line.   You might as well punt now, just to get it over with.


"Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority."      -  Vince Lombardi


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 28) The Lost Watch.

Late at night, a drunken salesman was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something.  A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help.

"What is it you have lost?" asked the good Samaritan.

"My watch," replied the drunken salesman.  "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch.

"Where exactly did you trip?"  asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunken salesman.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

"Because," exclaimed the drunken salesman, "the light's a lot better here!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to go beyond the easy.  In sales if all you do is stick with the familiar, only fish where you've fished before, sell only install base accounts, or only look where it's light; you may never find what you're looking for.   Elusive markets, prospects and niche sales plays are discovered by the bold, who, instead of sticking to well traveled, well lit paths, have the courage to venture into the new.  They blaze new trails, discover new markets and sometimes even forge new industries.   These entrepreneurial sales professionals far outsell their less adventurous counterparts and their commission checks get lit up as a result.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." 
                                                                                                     -  Ralph Waldo Emerson



Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Reunion.

A salesman and his wife were sitting at a table at her fortieth high school reunion.  The salesman kept staring at a drunken guy sitting alone at a nearby table and eventually asked his wife:  "Do you know him?"


"Yes," she replied.  "He is my old boyfriend.  I understand he started drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and apparently he hasn't been sober since."


"Wow!" exclaimed the salesman.  "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals always make it a habit to go to all of their reunions.  Not only do reunions provide great networking opportunities but they can be very motivational as well.  Invariably, no matter how bad you are doing, it just takes one poor sap to be doing worse than you,  to make you feel good about yourself.   And a positive mental attitude is key to your future success.


"I was eating lunch at a Chinese restaurant downtown.  There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion.  It's chicken and eggs.  And I said, I gotta use that one."      -      Paul Simon



Monday, January 27, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 27) The Frenchman.

An American salesman in Paris, was at a cafe in Charles de Gaulle airport, having croissants with butter and jam when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sat down next to him.


The American, politely tried to ignore the Frenchman, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.  The Frenchman snapped his gum and asked,  "You American folks eat the whole bread?"


The American frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, but still replied, "Of course."


The Frenchman blew a huge bubble, "We don't!  In France monsieur, we eat only what's on the inside.  The crusts, we collect them, we recycle them, then we transform them into croissants and we sell them to Americans."  The Frenchman now had a huge smile on his face as he blew another huge bubble.


The American continued to listen in silence as the Frenchman persisted.  "Do you eat jam with your bread in America, monsieur?"  probed the Frenchman.


Sighing, the American replied, "Of course."


Snapping a bubble between his teeth, the Frenchman exclaimed, "We don't monsieur.  In France we eat only fresh fruit for breakfast.  Then we put all the peelings, seeds and leftovers in containers, we recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Americans!"


The American leaned over towards the Frenchman, lowered his voice and asked, "In France, your men make a lot of love don't they?"


"But of course monsieur!"  exclaimed the Frenchmen.  "We are known world wide for our romantic ways with the ladies."


The American leaned in a little bit closer to the Frenchman and asked a little bit more quietly, "And what do you do with your condoms afterwards?" 
 

"Why monsieur, we throw them away of course!" replied the Frenchman.


Now it was the American's turn to smile.  "We don't.  In America, we collect them, recycle them, we put them in a large container, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to France."   Looking at the brand of gum in the Frenchman's pocket, the American added, "Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales overseas, when discussing products, you should never use the country of origin as a reason for buying.  National pride might become a factor if you do, and you could lose the sale as a result.   Like gum, stuck to the bottom of your shoe, once national pride enters into a conversation, the result could get real messy.   Stick to product features and benefits and really get your prospects to chew on the real value of what your company brings to the table.   You should have the sale wrapped up in no time.   Last, if you're trying to make a favorable impression during the sales process, whether overseas or at home, don't chew gum.   Unless of course, you're selling to Wrigley's.


"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."                -     Emo Philips


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 26) Cold Calling.

The salesman phoned up a local law firm and asked to speak with Mr. Hanson, his ex-wife's lawyer.


"I'm sorry," said the law firm's receptionist, "but Mr. Hanson died last night."


Ten minutes later the phone rang again.  The same voice asked:  "Can I speak to Mr. Hanson, my ex-wife's lawyer?"


"I'm afraid that's not possible," said the receptionist.  "As I told you a few minutes ago, Mr. Hanson died last night."


Ten minutes later the phone rang again.  The same voice said:  "I'd like to speak with Mr. Hanson, my ex-wife's lawyer."


"Look," said the receptionist, "I've told you twice already, Mr. Hanson is dead.  Why do you keep calling?   Don't you understand?"


"Sure I understand," replied the salesman.  "I just enjoy hearing you saying it over and over again."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, persistence is a requirement;  persistence and lots of cold calling.  The true art of selling gets painted when one determines just how many times one tries to call in, before getting a sale, or getting the brush off.


"Every calling is great when greatly pursued."      -  Oliver Wendell Holmes



Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 25) The Midway.

A rich, handsome salesman took a beautiful young woman on a first date to the county fall fair.  They started out at the midway and went on about half a dozen rides.  After which, the salesman asked the beautiful young woman, "What would you like to do next?"


"Get weighed," she replied.


The salesman thought that this was a strange request, but he took his date over to the weighing booth.  After, they went on a few more rides before he asked again, "What do you want to do next?"


"Get weighed," she said.


"What again?" 


"Get weighed," she repeated.


By now, the young salesman was convinced his date was seriously weird, so he made an excuse in order to take her home early.  Her mother wasn't expecting her back so soon.  "What is it, dear?" she asked.  "Didn't you have a nice time tonight?"


"Wousy," replied her daughter.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be great at negotiating.  Sometimes this means you need to meet your prospects midway.  Be careful though, listen very carefully and make sure you understand what they are really saying.   Who knows?   You might already have a done deal and not even know it.


"The artist forges himself to others, midway between the beauty he cannot do without and the community he cannot tear himself away from.  That is why true artists scorn nothing:  they are obliged to understand rather than judge.    -  Albert Camus


Friday, January 24, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 24) The Sales Interview.

Four salesman - a Californian, a Texan, a Bostonian and a New Yorker - were being interviewed for a prestigious sales job with a large multi-national company.  There was nothing to choose between them, each was highly qualified,  so the company president told them over dinner at a luxurious hotel that he would be conducting the decisive test the following morning.  Each candidate would be asked the same question and the one who came up with the best answer would get the job.

First in the following morning was the Californian.

"Here is your question," said the president.  "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

Scarcely hesitating, the Californian replied:  "A thought, because it takes no time at all.  It happens right there in your mind, in an instant, and then it's gone again."

"That's a very good answer," replied the president.

Next in was the Texan.   "What is the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

"A blink," replied the Texan instantaneously, "because you don't even think about a blink.  It's a reflex."

"That's a fine answer," replied the president.

Next in was the Bostonian.  "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

The Bostonian thought for a second.  "I'd say electricity, because you can flip a switch and immediately ten miles away a light will go on."

"That's an excellent answer," replied the president.

Finally it was the turn of the New Yorker.  "What is the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

The New Yorker scratched his head and replied, "Diarrhea, because last night after dinner I was lying on the bed when I got these terrible stomach cramps and before I could think, blink or turn on the light....."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to always respond with the truth.   Sometimes, the answer will be a "sheety" one; but if it is the truth, before your prospect can think, blink or turn on a light; they'll realize that you are honest and sincere.   Customers know that sincerity builds trust, and instinctively people like working with people they know they can trust over the long haul.

OR,    Sometimes you can give a real "sheety" answer in an interview and still get the job!

"Sincerity makes the very least person to be of more value than the most talented hypocrite."                                                                               -  Charles Spurgeon



Thursday, January 23, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 23) The Ugly Dog.

A little salesman walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.


"Look at that silly dog," sneered a burly guy with a rottweiler.  "Look at that long nose and those stumpy little legs.  That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen."


"Yeah?" said the little salesman bravely.  "But he's real mean."


"Mean?  Don't make me laugh!" exclaimed the burly guy with rottweiler.  "I'll bet you my rottweiler can finish off your ugly mutt in two minutes!"


"Okay.  You're on!" replied the little salesman.


The dachshund and the rottweiler lined up nose to nose, then the dachshund suddenly lunged forward and bit the rottweiler in half.  


The burly guy couldn't believe it.  "What kind of a dog is that?"  he growled.


"Well," replied the little salesman.  "Before I cut his tail off, he was a crocodile."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales it's always better to under promise and over deliver.  In other words, always make sure that your bite is worse than your bark.


"You gotta be really careful what you bite off. Don't bite off more than you can chew. It's a dangerous world."  - Ozzy Osbourne



Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 22) Impulse Shopping.

Looking for something new and different at lunchtime, a salesman wandered into a newly opened magic shop.  "I want a fun present for myself," he said to the clerk behind the counter.


The shop owner produced a special pair of glasses.  "They're 1,000 dollars," stated the shop owner, "but, believe me, they're worth it!  When you wear them, you can see people naked."


The salesman tried them on and, sure enough, the shop owner appeared naked.  And when his pretty female co-worker walked by, outside the shop, she appeared naked too.  When the salesman took the glasses off, everyone was fully clothed.


"They're incredible!" said the salesman.  "I'll buy them!"


The salesman left the shop, wearing his glasses, and headed back towards his office.  Everyone he passed along the way was naked;  pretty girls, old women, men with beer bellies, traffic cops, everyone.  He was so delighted with his purchase, the salesman thought he'd surprise his wife.  So, before heading back to the office, he stopped by his home first.  He was still wearing his new magic glasses when he walked into the living room.  There were his wife and his best friend, sitting on the sofa completely naked.


"Hi and surprise!" the salesman exclaimed as he removed his magic glasses.  But his best friend and his wife were still naked.


"Look at that," moaned the salesman, "A thousand dollars for a pair of magic glasses and after just a half an hour they're broken!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to have extraordinary vision.  They need to be able to see the world through their customers eyes.   True sales professionals also need to be able to see into the future to accurately predict industry trends and align their customers accordingly.  This sort of extraordinary vision cannot be bought in novelty shops.  This type of vision has to be built up over time and forged with hard work, personal research and experience.    Without this finely tuned sense of business vision, your customers and prospects will see you as being naked, and eventually you'll end up so poor you won't even be able to afford to put a shirt on your back.


So instead of going out and buying a pair of magic glasses for $1,000, go out and buy a fancy new suit instead.  You'll look successful, you'll feel more confident and you'll sell more too!    In addition, if you're wearing a brand new suit when you show up at home early to find your best friend and your wife naked on your couch; you'll be already dressed up for divorce court, where your new suit is sure to make a favorable impression on the judge.


"Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others."       -   Jonathan Swift




Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Playoffs.

The salesman had been invited to his sister's place to watch the football playoff games on their big screen TV.   When he arrived his nephew ran to the front door to greet him with a big hug.

"I'm so glad to see you Uncle!" shouted his nephew.   "You're not carrying anything are you?"

"No, I'm not carrying anything, Jimmy," replied the salesman.

"So, does that mean you're empty-handed then?"  asked Jimmy.

"Well, yes, I guess it does," replied the salesman, somewhat bewildered.  "Why do you ask?"

"Now Daddy can do the trick he's been promising to do all week!"  exclaimed little Jimmy.

"Trick?" asked the salesman.  "What trick?"

"Daddy has been telling Mommy all week that he would be climbing the walls if you showed up here empty handed again!" replied little Jimmy.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they must adhere to all forms of social convention.   If you are invited to a party or a get together during the football playoffs, it's customary to bring something.  Either something to drink, like a bottle of fine wine, or a case of expensive beer, or perhaps a snack food item to enhance everyone's enjoyment of the game.   Or, perhaps a bucket of chicken, a couple of pizzas, a few bags of potato chips and salsa, chicken wings, a plate of pigs in a blanket, a fondue with cheese, an assortment of meat, scallops and all the fixings, any of these items will help make the celebration a little more festive.   You don't want to get the reputation of being a freeloader.   Such a personal foul will cost you a lot more than 15 yards and an automatic first down.  Such a personal foul could prevent you from advancing in your career.

"One of the biggest things you have is your reputation and your reputation with knowing what's good and what's not good."           -    Paul Feig


Sales Joke of the Day (January 21) New Twist on the Meaning of "HOTmail"

An Illinois salesman left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.


When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.


Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P. S.   SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.




Moral of the story.   True sales professionals understand that in order to be successful at sales they need to be accurate with their emails.   Failure to ensure that you know, and correctly identify and personalize your targets, plus, failure provide them with information of value, could be considered spam.  Being considered a spammer, one who sends out meaningless promotions to folks they don't know, could have a big negative impact on your ability to send real emails to real potential prospects in the future.  Several mail servers could 'blacklist' you and that could have a real negative impact on your future earnings.


"Think about spam filters; if email didn't come from someone that someone you know knows, that's an important signal, and one we could embed in the environment; we just don't.  I just want the world to be filtered through my social graph."      -  Clay Shirky


Monday, January 20, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 20) The Recommendation.

The salesman had worked for the company 14 years, when one day he was suddenly notified that he and and a number of his colleagues were being let go.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," the salesman told his HR manager, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources manager agreed and said he'd have the letter ready for the salesman the next day.

The following morning, Bob found the letter on his desk.  It read,

"Bob worked for our company for fourteen years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you will often need letters of recommendation.   Since letters of recommendation always seem to be available when you don't need them, and very scarce when you do, the wise sales veteran makes a habit of always collecting them.   Letters of recommendation, get them while you can, because you just never know.

"There's always a great deal of business to be transacted in one's office.  There are always visitors it seems to me, an unending stream of them, who come with letters of recommendation, or come actually on substantive business."     -     David K. E. Bruce





Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 19) The Drive Thru.

After visiting a friend in the hospital, the salesman decided to stop by a fast-food drive-through for lunch.  He ordered the #1 combo (hamburger, fries, and a coke) for $4.29... no biggie size.


When confirming my order, the clerk said, "Your total is $4.83, please drive forward."


"$4.83?" the salesman thought, "for a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right."


The salesman's mind quickly began to calculate... tax is 8 cents on the dollar, and with $4.29 that would be 35 cents max.  The salesman had heard about workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves, so he was beginning to get suspicious.


The salesman then got a pen and paper and did the long division (since there were 2 cars ahead of him). 483 divided by 429... He had been charged over 12 percent tax!   When he got to the window he handed the clerk a 5 and asked, "Do you know what the sales tax is here?"


The clerk didn't know.  The salesman said, "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right--can I talk to the manager?" The clerk gave the salesman his change and called the manager.


When the manager came over, the salesman asked,  "What is the sales tax?"


The manager replied,  "It was 8 percent." 


"I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal--that's over 12 percent sales tax" the salesman exclaimed.


The manager got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged the salesman for the biggie size (even though the biggie upgrade was 35 cents--which would put the total over $5).


The manager quickly checked the figures, and when coming to the same conclusion as the salesman, she opened the drawer and gave him his additional change.


"Good job!" the salesman thought to himself.   "All my wonderful education has heightened my mental mathematical adeptness so that I can do percentages in my head, and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."


The salesman took the twenty cents the manager handed him and, proud of his staggering genius, smugly drove off... without his food.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to be exacting at mathematics, but to be successful at any single transaction you must never let an obsession with numbers cloud your judgment or diminish your ability to execute.


"Obvious is the most dangerous word in mathematics."     -  E.T. Bell



Saturday, January 18, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 18) The Dinner Invite.

A salesman was invited to a dinner party being held by one of his co-workers.  During the meal, the four year old daughter of one of his co-workers was staring at him unceasingly.  In fact she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.


The salesman checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing he did, could stop the four year old girl from staring at him.  Finally the salesman's patience was exhausted.  


"Why are you staring at me?" asked the salesman.


Everyone else at the table had noticed the young girl's focus on the salesman, and all went quiet to hear her response.


The little girl replied, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you need to have a good reputation.  If your reputation isn't a good one, it will not only precede you, it will cost you sales.


"You can't buy a good reputation; you must earn it."     -  Harvey Mackay



Friday, January 17, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 17) Par For the Course.

A salesman was out golfing with three of his long time friends from high school.   They were having a great time, when all of a sudden the salesman felt a horrific sharp pain shoot from his wrist, up his arm and to his chest.   He had never experienced pain like this before.  Every inch of his body simultaneously seized or cramped, he couldn't talk as the horrible, searing pain took his legs out from under him.  He slumped into a heap at the beginning of the tenth hole.


Lucky for the salesman, one of his high school friends was a doctor, who recognized early on that the salesman was experiencing a heart attack.   The doctor immediately loosed the collar on the salesman's golf shirt and started CPR, he told his buddy to call the clubhouse and have them rush the defibrillator out to the tenth hole immediately.  The last member of the foursome was instructed to call 911 immediately and have them send an ambulance.


Within a couple of minutes the defibrillator arrived and in the doctor 's expert hands, saved the salesman.  The ambulance arrived shortly after that, and the salesman along with the doctor were whisked away to the hospital.   Some tests were run on the salesman, and the doctor performed a bypass operation later that afternoon.


Four weeks later the salesman and his buddies were back on the golf course again.  At the first tee, the salesman shook the doctor's hand and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.  But I thought you would like to know that as a result of your quick thinking that saved my life, that you are now mentioned in my will."


"That is very, very, kind of you," replied the doctor.  "May I see the copy of the prescription I last gave you?  I'd like to make a little change."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to make certain that everyone in their immediate circle is paid their due.   From large sums of money to mere gratitude; bills left unpaid can not only cost you future business, but they can sully your reputation and destroy friendships.  Remember, in the long run, what you put out to the world, you eventually get back.  So why not distribute nothing but your best?


"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that each step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."     -  Brian Tracy



Thursday, January 16, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 16) The Mugging.

A salesman was jumped in an alley by three muggers.  He put up heroic resistance but was eventually overpowered.  When the attackers went through the salesman's pockets they didn't find much.


"You mean you fought like that for 48 cents?" said one mugger incredulously.


"Is that all you wanted?" replied the salesman, relieved.  "I thought you were after the $500 in my shoe!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they need to master the ability of knowing, when to stop talking.


"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."         -   Khalil Gibran



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 15) The Reference.

When the salesman's son asked for a ride in the car just to get to the bus stop at the end of their street, the salesman told him:  "You should be ashamed of yourself.  When Abe Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school."


"Really?" replied the salesman's son.  "Well, when he was your age, he was President!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to make effective use of references and have mastery over the art of name dropping.   True sales professionals are also very aware of the dangers of using old or outdated references.   Often times their situation may change or he circumstances, if viewed from another angle, may no longer make your reference a positive one.   The point is this, if you're going to use a reference with any prospect, research it first and make sure it's bullet proof!


"Facts from paper are not the same as facts from people.  The reliability of the people giving you the facts is as important as the facts themselves."    -   Harold Geneen



Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 14) Baked Beans.

A salesman adored baked beans, but when he got married, he agreed to give them up because they gave him such terrible gas.  However, on his way home from work one evening, he caught the smell of baked beans wafting from a local diner and gave into temptation.  He ate three whole platefuls but was confident that he could get rid of all the gas during the remaining 45 minute drive home.

The salesman arrived home, buttocks clenched, to find his wife waiting for him at the front door.  This was very unusual. 

"Darling, I've got a surprise for you tonight," she said.  And with that she put a blindfold on him, led him to his chair at the head of the dinner table and made him promise not to look.  Just then the phone rang, and she went into the hallway to answer it.

Sitting there, on the chair, alone, the salesman couldn't hold his gas in any longer.  He could hear his wife's voice in the hallway, so he figured it was safe to let a few rip.  He leaned one way and then the other, releasing them like machine-gun fire.  They were loud and they stank.  Then he lifted his right cheek up and released a veritable torpedo.  The smell was so bad even he felt faint.  He tried to wave the stench away with his hands, and couldn't help giggling for some strange reason.  He hoped that the terrible smell would be gone by the time his wife had returned.

Finally she came back into the room, removed his blindfold and said "Surprise!"

The salesman opened his eyes to see five of his co-workers, his boss, and their spouses, 12 dinner guests in total, seated round the table to celebrate his recent promotion.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales there are sacrifices you'll need to make in order to stay successful.   You'll have to give up things you enjoy, like partying every night with your friends, watching copious amounts of TV, raunchy jokes and yes, even baked beans.  But these sacrifices all become worth it when you are able to celebrate your well-deserved promotions with those closest to you.

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that is wrong is to get caught."                                                                                                         -  J.C. Watts


Monday, January 13, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 13) Discipline.

A frustrated salesman told a work colleague, "When I was a boy, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.  But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console and iPhone!"


"So what do you do?" asked his colleague.


The salesman replied, "I send him to my room!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales these days, you have to be disciplined, self-disciplined.   With all the distractions in the modern world it's very easy to become distracted and lose focus.   Social media, if not self-regulated, can become a huge time sink.   Good old fashioned to do lists, that you prepare  at the start of each and every business day, stroking off items one-by-one as you complete them, are probably still the best way of staying on track towards your goals.    Stay sharp.  Stay focused.  Stay on track.  And stay successful.


"We all have dreams.  But in order to make dreams into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort."     -  Jesse Owens



Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 12) Mexican Winter Getaway.

A history professor lays down on a reclining beach chair staring out at the gorgeous view of the Atlantic Ocean.   After a few minutes he asks the salesman laying on the beach chair beside him, "Have you read Marx?"


The salesman replied, "Yes, several.  I think they are from the wicker chairs."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to be great conversationalists.   One way to be a great conversationalist is to be well read.  But you don't want to be red.  That would be considered political and some people might get offended.   Last, when sun bathing, don't forget to use a good sun screen.  If you don't you'll end up getting burned.


"A man who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read."      -  Mark Twain



Saturday, January 11, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Family on Ice?

A salesman, who lived ice fishing, decided to take his entire family, including his mother-in-law, way up north to a polar ice cap for their summer vacation.  To maximize his fishing time, he chose the one week of the summer when there were 23 hours of sunshine a day.  Half way into his week of vacation, and after eighteen hours of sitting on the ice, his butt was numb with cold, so he packed up his gear and headed back to the igloo he had rented.  Once inside he hung up his rented sealskin coat and was just digging into his seal steak dinner when his wife said, "I - I -I -  v - v - v -"


"What?" said the salesman without changing his expression.


"I've got some news for you," said his wife chillingly.


"What?" said the salesman through clenched teeth.


"Your mother-in-law has slipped on the ice and broken her hip," replied his wife.


Again the salesman's expression didn't change, but he picked up a frozen herring from the table and smacked his wife on the head with the fish.


"Owwww!" she yelled.  "What did you do that for?"


"I've told you before," replied the salesman.  "Don't make me laugh when I've got chapped lips."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know the importance of paying close attention to facial expressions.   Often times when a prospect or client is not saying much, their facial expression will give their true opinion on a particular subject away.   Failure to pick up on these cues could cost you much more than lost commissions.  Are you "herring" me?


"In time your relatives will come to accept that a career is as important to you as your family.  Of course, in time the polar ice cap will melt."             -    Barbara Dale



Sales Joke of the Day (January 11) The Bank Line.

A salesman in a bank line kept shaking his head in sorrow.


"Are you alright?" asked the woman standing behind him in line.


"Yeah," I've just had my dreams dashed, that's all.  You see, I thought I was made for life when my dad died and I inherited the family business.  But apparently the plant where cassette and video tapes are manufactured isn't worth that much these days."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to keep up with change.   They know that adaptability is key to thriving in times of changes.   Trying to avoid change by sticking with old technologies, well past their prime, will end up burying your career.    To stay on top you must get educated on the new ways of doing things and get connected to others on the new fast track to success.


"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
                                                                                                                   -   Alan Watts


Friday, January 10, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (January 10) Bar Negotiations.

The bartender asked a salesman sitting at the bar,  "What will you have?"


The salesman answered, "A scotch please."


The bartender handed him the drink and said, "That will be five dollars."


The salesman said, "What are you talking about?  I don't owe you anything for this."


A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there.  In the original offer, which constitutes a binding offer upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."


The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the salesman, "Okay, I'll let you off this time, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."


The next day, the same salesman walked into the bar.  The bartender yelled out, "What the h-e-c-k are you doing back in here again???   I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint!   I can't believe you've got the nerve to come back!"


The salesman said innocently,  "What are you talking about?  I've never been in this place in my life."


Feeling sorry that he had made a terrible mistake, the bartender backed down.  "I'm very sorry," he said, "but the likeness is uncanny.  You must have a double."


The salesman replied, "Thanks.  Make it a scotch."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they must have a good understanding of fundamental contract law and they must have great negotiation skills.   Now, if you're a bit behind in either of these areas of knowledge and your sales manager suggests that you, "Raise the bar on your negotiation skills," you're not being told to go have a drink and stiff your local bartender.


"So much of life is a negotiation - so even if you're not in business, you have opportunities to practice all around you."    -  Kevin O'Leary






Sales Joke of the Day (January 9) Tension.

The salesman was suffering from insomnia, and the lack of sleep was starting to affect his work.  So much so that he decided to go to his doctor.


After a thorough checkup the salesman's doctor declared, "The only cure for your insomnia is to not take your tension to bed with you when you go to bed at night."


The salesman gave the doctor a knowing nod,  "I know doc, that's exactly what I've been telling my wife.  But she's not willing to use the guest room!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to remain calm and relaxed so they appear confident when interacting with prospects and customers.    Stressing out over the unknown,  anticipating worse case scenarios, and dwelling on matters you absolutely have no control over does you absolutely no good whatsoever.  In fact, the constant tension of such anxiety, can manifest in other health ailments in addition to insomnia.  High blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, asthma, eczema, hair loss, and uncontrollable weight gain are all just waiting to pounce on folks who stress themselves out all the time.  So chill, relax, phone a friend, take a vacation, do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down.  Re-CONNECT with who you are, what your values are, what positive accomplishments you have made over the last few years; and you'll be able to head into the future with confidence!   Do that, and your chances for success increase dramatically!


"A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds;  it seems to magically CONNECT us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before the change."        -  Earl Nightingale