Sales Joke of the Day (May 26) The Big Problem.

The salesman knew he was probably oversensitive about his problem.  But, the fact was his eyes bulged.  He went to doctor after doctor, but none seemed to know of any treatment.  In desperation he looked up "Eye bulging" on his smartphone.  Sure enough a doctor was listed, and a few days later the salesman found himself sitting on a vinyl couch in a seedy waiting room.   A little nervous about being the only patient, he reminded himself how rare his condition was and that the doctor was a specialist. 


At long last the salesman was admitted to the doctor's office and was examined.  The doctor leaned back, sighed, and informed him that there was a remedy to his condition, but it was not an easy one.  "I must remove your testicles," he said.


The salesman's eyes bulged even more as he headed for the door.  But after a few weeks of thinking it over, the salesman acknowledged that his bulging eyes were becoming very uncomfortable and harming his chances of being promoted at work, so he decided to go ahead with the operation.  When he returned from the operating room, sure enough, his eyeballs had sunk back into their sockets most agreeably.  In fact, the salesman looked not only normal but actually rather handsome.  


Delighted, the salesman thanked the doctor profusely, and since he now felt could be promoted, he decided to treat himself to a new suit.


"Charcoal gray pinstripe," he instructed the tailor at a nearby men's clothing store.  "Medium lapel, no cuffs."


"Fine," said the tailor, nodding.  "Come back on Tuesday."  


"Aren't you going to measure me?" asked the salesman.


"Nah," said the tailor.   "I've been doing this for over thirty years; I can tell all of your sizes just by looking," the tailor further assured him.


"That's impossible!" blurted the salesman.


"Size forty-two jacket, right?" asked the tailor.


"Yes," replied the salesman.


"Thirty-two inch inseam, right?" asked the tailor.


The salesman nodded yes, dumbstruck.


Thirty-six inch waist?"


Again the salesman nodded yes.


"And last, you wear size forty underwear, right?" concluded the tailor with a smile.


"Nope, you're wrong!" the salesman exclaimed.  "Thirty-four."


"Listen, you can't fool me," said the tailor wearily.  "Don't even try to put that one over on me."


"I'm telling you I wear size thirty-four underwear," the salesman insisted.


"You can't be wearing size thirty-four underwear!" protested the exasperated tailor.   "Because if you were, your eyes would be bulging out of their sockets!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know the importance of wearing only the best custom-tailored suits.  A good fitting fashionable suit can add that confidence to your stride and that extra bounce to your step that will send you rapidly up that corporate ladder at work.   By the way, if this joke got your shorts in a knot, please make certain you are wearing the correct size or your eyes may start to bulge.
 

"For me that's one of the great indulgences in life - a hand tailored suit, and a great pair of handmade shoes."  -  Hugh Jackman

Sales Joke of the Day (March 14) The Window Seat.

Joe Smith, is a middle-aged salesman traveling from New York to LA.  He's sitting in a window seat on the plane.   Just before take-off a huge, beast of a man wearing a very expensive suit walks down the aisle and squeezes himself into the seat next to Joe.  A few minutes later the plane takes off.   All is well.


For a while.


But then the salesman realizes he has to go to the washroom.  That wouldn't normally be a problem.  But Joe looks over and sees that the huge man beside him is sound asleep and Joe being a meek salesman, is afraid to disturb him.  So he figures he'll hold it in until the beast of a man wakes up.  As luck would have it, his huge traveling companion keeps snoring away and the salesman is feeling more and more uncomfortable.


After a while longer Joe starts to feel nauseous as well.  He tries and tries to hold it in, but then .......


"Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!"    He throws up all over the huge beast of man and his very expensive suit!   Joe thinks to himself,  "Oh no!  That guy is going to kill me!"   So for the next few minutes Joe the salesman just sits there in nervous apprehension, waiting for the giant to wake up and pummel him.


Finally the huge beast of a man wakes up and finds this vomit all over him.  The salesman's instinct to remain calm within Joe kicks in as he turns to the giant and softly asks, "Well, do you feel better now?"


Moral of the story.   Aisle seats.   Sales professionals know to select them.  You get off the plane faster, you remain more flexible in flight.  It's easier to come and go as you please.   You're in complete control.   Window seats are for kids, who want to "see the view."   Grow up already.   Chances are, if you're traveling on business, you've already seen all those cities from the sky.   Or let me guess, you have time to watch TV reruns too?


"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."   -  Al Gore 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 4) A Bad Day.

The other day the salesman was carrying a little box of small, shiny discs for his wife to sew onto his suit. As he was going through the kitchen, the salesman dropped the box, spilling its contents all over the floor.


The salesman's wife was putting away the dishes. She slipped on the shiny discs causing her to fall and break all of the plates she was holding. 


The salesman's dog, named Opportunity,  got so scared by the clatter he ran out the door and onto the street. A car passing by almost hit his dog. At the last second it veered. This caused the driver to lose control and he hit a tree in the salesman's front yard, knocking it over onto the salesman's house and new car. 


It was a strange sequins of events. 


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, one needs to dress conservatively.   There is absolutely no need to dress flashy in sales.  So forget the sparkle and the bling or you could end up losing your home, your car and hurt your wife's feelings.   Worse still, opportunity will run away from you.  So remember, a wise sales professional always "tucks ego" when it comes to business attire.


"I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes."     -  Bette Midler

Sales Joke of the Day (October 13) Suited for Success?

A wealthy and very well dressed salesman arrived at his office to fill out his monthly trip report.  The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified salesman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished marble floor as he headed for the elevator.
 
The salesman picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.

"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.


Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well. 


The now barefoot salesman then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can. 


A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed. 


A moment later, the salesman dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively. 


Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage. 


The salesman finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work. 


A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped salesman and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment. 


The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed salesman angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork. 


“Why didn't’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly!  ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that in order to be successful in sales one has to be prompt, efficient and brief.  One should never leave their paperwork until the end of the month.  The end of the month is for closing deals.  Remember, you never want to get caught with your paperwork pants down at the end of the month.

"If you wear clothes that don't suit you, you're a fashion victim.  You have to wear clothes that make you look better."  -  Vivienne Westwood

Sales Joke of the Day (September 28) Dearly Departed.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed salesman in his coffin right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he is in his brown suit.  She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit!  She'd bought it especially for this occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he died in.

She demands that her husband's corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd bought.  The undertaker says, "But madam!  It's only a minute until the funeral is scheduled to begin!  We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that short amount of time!"

The salesman's wife says, "Who's paying for this?"

The very peeved mortician wheels the coffin out, but then wheels it right back in a moment later.  Miraculously, the corpse is in a blue suit.  After the ceremony, the salesman's well-satisfied widow compliments the undertaker on his smooth and speedy service.  She especially wants to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast.

The funeral director immediately responded with,  "Oh, that was easy.  It just so happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit.  All we had to do was switch heads!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they need to keep their head on their shoulders at all times.    While some believe you need to dress to impress, what's on your shoulders is what really counts.  Always keep your customer top of mind.  Always think before you speak and always put your customer's needs before your own; or heads will roll.

"Live fast, die young and have a good-looking corpse."      -      Daniel Taradash