The bartender asked a salesman sitting at the bar, "What will you have?"
The salesman answered, "A scotch please."
The bartender handed him the drink and said, "That will be five dollars."
The salesman said, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the
bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding offer upon acceptance, there was no stipulation
of remuneration."
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the salesman,
"Okay, I'll let you off this time, but don't ever let me catch you in
here again."
The next day, the same salesman walked into the bar. The bartender
yelled out, "What the h-e-c-k are you doing back in here again??? I
thought I told you to steer clear of this joint! I can't believe
you've got the nerve to come back!"
The salesman said innocently, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life."
Feeling sorry that he had made a terrible mistake, the bartender
backed down. "I'm very sorry," he said, "but the likeness is uncanny.
You must have a double."
The salesman replied, "Thanks. Make it a scotch."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales, they must have a good understanding of fundamental
contract law and they must have great negotiation skills. Now, if
you're a bit behind in either of these areas of knowledge and your sales
manager suggests that you, "Raise the bar on your negotiation skills,"
you're not being told to go have a drink and stiff your local bartender.
"So much of life is a negotiation - so even if you're not in
business, you have opportunities to practice all around you." -
Kevin O'Leary
The salesman was suffering from insomnia, and the lack of sleep was
starting to affect his work. So much so that he decided to go to his
doctor.
After a thorough checkup the salesman's doctor declared, "The only
cure for your insomnia is to not take your tension to bed with you when
you go to bed at night."
The salesman gave the doctor a knowing nod, "I know doc, that's
exactly what I've been telling my wife. But she's not willing to use
the guest room!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales they need to remain calm and relaxed so they appear
confident when interacting with prospects and customers. Stressing
out over the unknown, anticipating worse case scenarios, and dwelling
on matters you absolutely have no control over does you absolutely no
good whatsoever. In fact, the constant tension of such anxiety, can
manifest in other health ailments in addition to insomnia. High blood
pressure, heart attacks, strokes, asthma, eczema, hair loss, and
uncontrollable weight gain are all just waiting to pounce on folks who
stress themselves out all the time. So chill, relax, phone a friend,
take a vacation, do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down.
Re-CONNECT with who you are, what your values are, what positive
accomplishments you have made over the last few years; and you'll be
able to head into the future with confidence! Do that, and your
chances for success increase dramatically!
"A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our
worlds; it seems to magically CONNECT us to all sorts of serendipitous
opportunities that were somehow absent before the change." -
Earl Nightingale
The salesman was plagued by his spiteful mother-in-law who, much
to his dismay, lived with his family. She would constantly pepper him
with digs. Each morning, just as he was about to leave for work, the
mother-in-law would take him to one side and hiss: "If you don't treat
my daughter right after I'm dead, I'll dig up from my grave and haunt
you!"
It was the same when the salesman came home for lunch. The
mother-in-law would sidle up to him and whisper menacingly: "If you
don't treat my daughter right after I'm dead, I'll dig up from my grave
and haunt you!"
And at night, she would collar him on his way to bed and snarl: "If
you don't treat my daughter right after I'm dead, I'll dig up from my
grave and haunt you!"
The salesman had recounted his awful life with the old woman to a
friend from high school at a New Year's party. The following year's
festivities the friend jokingly asked how the salesman's mother-in-law
was feeling.
"She isn't feeling anything, now," said the salesman gleefully. "She died three weeks ago."
"Aren't you worried about her ominous threat?" asked the friend.
"Not really," replied the salesman, "but just to be sure, I had her buried face down. Let her dig!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that each new
year brings one the opportunity of starting things anew. In the first
couple of weeks of a new year, things are slow and you have a chance of
digging out from under the backlog of paperwork you neglected the
previous year. Before you start your digging however, take a step back
and reflect on what your priorities are and plan your work before you
start your big dig. After all you wouldn't want to start off your dig
in the wrong direction. Would you?
"Never let life impede on your ability to manifest your dreams. Dig
deeper into your dreams and deeper into yourself and believe that
anything is possible, and make it happen."
- Corin Nemic
Prior to publishing his "Theory of Relativity" Albert Einstein
was invited to be a guest speaker at the General Electric Company's
Annual Sales Kickoff Meeting. The first evening, upon his arrival, he
was officially escorted into the party and was introduced to the
executive table. He was first introduced to the CEO. Albert asks,
"What is your IQ?"
The CEO responds, "142."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand
Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much
to discuss!"
Next Albert is introduced to the CFO and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The CFO responds, "120."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert is then introduced to the Vice President of Sales. "What is your IQ?"
The Vice President of Sales responds, "85."
Albert replies, "How about them New York Yankees?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be able to adjust your conversations to
several different levels and from several different perspectives within
your prospect's company. Conversational flexibility is essential to
your sales success. As for sales kickoffs, have you ever wondered where
all those sports analogies come from? Well, now you know.
"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." - Albert Einstein
An inside rep and a field rep were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
Their sales manager walked by and asked them what they were doing.
"We need to find the height of the flagpole for a customer," said the
field rep. "But we don't have a ladder," added the inside rep.
The sales manager took a wrench from his pocket, loosened a few bolts
and laid the pole down on the ground. Then he took a tape measure from
the other pocket and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away.
The field rep shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a
sales manager! We ask for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Moral of the story. Communication is the key folks. For any sales
team to be successful, the members have to be able to communicate from
top to bottom as well as end to end. Trust is also key. Without trust, communication breaks
down and individuals spend the majority of their time covering their own
backsides from potential attack rather than being able to focus their
energies on moving forward with prospects. The New Year is a great
time to make sure you're on the same page as your manager and get an
exact understanding of how you are being measured. If you don't, you may as well just the raise the white flag of surrender and give up your fight to attain your quota this year.
"There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery."
- Enrico Fermi
A salesman walked into his manager's office to chat first thing
in the morning. The sales manager decided to use this moment as an
educational opportunity and proceeded to educate the salesman on
effective sales technique.
"The main thing to remember is that
repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you
have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram
it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all,
don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to
get results!" exclaimed the sales manager.
"Yes, sir!" the salesman answered, feigning enthusiasm the best he could.
"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the sales manager asked.
The salesman replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to master sales fundamentals. One of these
fundamentals is repetition. True sales professionals know that in order
to succeed at sales you need to master sales fundamentals. One of
these fundamentals is repetition. But never overdo it. Your
prospects may begin to conclude that you have some sort of disorder and
simply prefer to take their business elsewhere. Oh, and when it comes
to communicating with your sales manager, use email rather than a
personal visit to their office. That way you'll always have an
archival record of your communications but more important, you'll never
be subject to those impromptu educational opportunities.
"Any idea, plan, or purpose may be placed in the mind through repetition of thought."
- Napoleon Hill
A salesman and his wife were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until
their ocean liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a
desert island, the only survivors.
Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of
spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they
started to think about their home back in Arizona.
The salesman's wife asked, "Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we left?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the electric bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the gas bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the six-month property tax bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Well at least there's one good thing," sighed the exasperated salesman's wife.
"What's that?" asked the salesman.
"They'll find us for sure now," replied his wife.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that it's in their
best interest to carefully look after their personal credit history. A
healthy credit score is a sign of a strong contributor to society. If
you have a lax attitude towards your credit score, it's an indicator of a
lazy or dismissive attitude towards responsibility in general. And
that's a red flag that potential employers will want to avoid. New
Years is a great time to do a financial "housecleaning" to start the
year off right. Or if you'd rather just cruise through life and drown
in debt figuring at some point someone will come along and rescue you.
Good luck!
"Old and young, we are all on our last cruise." - Robert Louis Stevenson
The Devil tells a
salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful
than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, at times, it requires the support of your family. If you're a sales professional you sell for the benefit and betterment of your family. One must never sell out the family for the benefit and betterment of their own career.
"A man should never neglect his family for business." - Walt Disney
The salesman who had been out yachting with his family for their
summer vacation had terrible accident. For six months he had been in
a coma, until today when he finally woke up.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell you first?" asked the doctor.
"Begin with the bad news first Doc," replied the salesman.
"All right, here goes," replied the doctor. "You had a terrible
yachting accident, six months ago, while you were on summer vacation
with your family. Your son drowned. Your daughter was eaten by a
shark. You're wife survived, but divorced you two weeks later. Your
home was completely destroyed by a fire and your sports car was stolen,
but since your insurance lapsed you were not covered on either. Oh, I
almost forgot, when we were doing routine tests on you last week, we
found out that somehow you picked up a rare but incurable disease."
"Good grief! What's the good news?" exclaimed the salesman.
"Ah yes," your sales manager was in to see you last week at year
end. Apparently that big deal you were working on came in. I'm
supposed to say congratulations on making your quota and President's
Club for 2013!"
"Fantastic!" replied the salesman. "When do I leave for Hawaii?"
"Uh, how do I put this?" pondered the doctor. "Your sales manager
said he would be stopping by with some souvenirs for you on Friday."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales they need to be goal oriented. However, never
become so focused on your career success that you lose sight of what's
really important in life. Your family, your health, and last but not
least, your sports car!
"Sometimes things in life happen that allow us to understand our
priorities very clearly. Ultimately, you can see those as
gifts." - Mariska Hargitay
A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the salesman. The woman promptly leaves the pet shop.
The next morning the woman came back to the pet shop and again asked, "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the same salesman. The woman promptly leaves the pet shop again.
The third morning the woman came back to the pet shop and again asked, "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the same salesman. "And this is the third day you have come in and asked me that same question."
"I'm so sorry," said the young woman, "but I can't help it. I have a buy polar disorder."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that at times some
prospects insist on trying to buy products or services you just don't
sell. Don't get sucked in. Don't lose focus. Never get upset. But
at the same time be careful not to waste time on prospects who are nuts
either.
"In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order." - Carl Jung
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at his patient on
the other side of the room. "Yes, after twenty weeks I'm pleased to
pronounce that you are one hundred percent cured."
The salesman sighed, "Gee, that's just great."
"I don't understand. Aren't you happy?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Why should I be?" the salesman shot back. "A few weeks ago I was Genghis Khan! Now I just sell used cars for a living."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to conquer all obstacles in your path.
Sometimes dreaming that you're invincible can help keep you motivated.
Just don't get carried away and lose your head over it. Just keep
thinking to yourself; "yes I can! Yes I can!" Not, "yes I Khan!"
"We may have found a cure for most evils; but we have found no remedy
for the worst of them all, the apathy of human beings." - Helen Keller
A salesman went to his priest one day and told him, "Father, I
have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're in sales! Do you want to have some fun?'" replied the salesman.
"That's almost obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to
praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying 'that'
phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the salesman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day the salesman brought his female parrots to the priest's
house. As the priest ushered the salesman in, the salesman saw that the
priest's two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads
and praying. Impressed, the salesman walked over and placed his parrots
in with them.
After a few minutes, the salesman's female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're in sales! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our
prayers have been answered!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in sales you have to be enthusiastic about what you do. Such
enthusiasm is contagious and raise everyone's productivity. Besides,
what's wrong with having a little fun at work?
"Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it, nothing great was ever achieved."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Two small boys were talking on their way home from school. One said,
"I'm really worried. My dad's a salesman and works more than 60 hours a
week to give us a lovely home, plenty of food and great vacations. My
mom spends half her time keeping the house clean, and washing and
ironing my clothes. The rest of her time is spent working at a
part-time job selling houses to earn us extra luxuries."
"Wow!" said his friend. "You sound really lucky. So, why are you worried?"
The first boy replied, "What if they try to escape?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in tough
economic times, it's tough to keep things calm on the home front. If
you're constantly worried about the economy, your job or the fiscal
cliff; your kids will pick up on that anxiety to the point it affects
their own outlook on the world around them. When you get home at night
and drop your bags at the front door; don't forget to drop your
work-related baggage as well.
"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett
The sales manager was fed up with the constant back and forth
between two of his best salesmen. So much so, that he decided he and
his two reps in question would join a monastery where silence and
meditation would encourage them to change their ways. This monastery
observed a strict code of silence, only one person per year was allowed
to speak. Any violators would be kicked out immediately. The sales
manager added, "If either of you get kicked out, I'll fire both of you
immediately!"
The first year passed, and the first salesman whose turn it was to
speak, stood up and said, "I rather like the mashed potatoes around
here, they're very tasty."
At the end of the second year, the second salesman stood up and said,
"I don't like the mashed potatoes around here, they're too lumpy."
At the end of the third year, the sales manager stood up and said,
"I'm leaving this monastery because nothing has changed. You two are
still constantly bickering!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be able to get along with your
co-workers. Your energy is needed to fight the competition, not one
another. Constantly bickering can lead to one adopting a siege
mentality, where you are constantly dug in and prepared to fight. Such
thoughts lead to a stifling of creativity, reduced ambition and a huge
decrease in job satisfaction. So in 2014, rather than criticize,
empathize with those around you and mutually strategize on how to work
together going forward. United, you will realize some major gains in
your commission checks, making 2014 your best year yet.
"Fear not those who argue but those who dodge." - Dale Carnegie
A salesman was distraught because his faithful pet dog had gone
missing. His wife suggested, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper to
get him back?"
"That's a great idea!" said the salesman. So he placed the ad. But a month later there was still no sign of the dog.
The salesman's wife said, "I really thought that ad would work. What did you write in it?"
The salesman responded, "Here, boy!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals realize that to be
successful, any advertising they do must be directly targeted at their
target audience. If they fail to put their ads in terms that their
target audience understands, their ads will never "fetch" the results
one would expect.
"There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
- Benjamin Franklin
The highly competitive salesman, wasn't feeling so well, so he went to see the company physician.
"You have a bad case of the flu," said the doctor as he looked down
at his thermometer. "And unless this fever goes down in a hurry, you
won't be going to the Sales Kickoff Meeting this year."
"How high is my fever doc?" the salesman inquired.
"Just over a hundred degrees."
The salesman considered this, then asked, "What's the company record?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be very competitive. But within
reason. When it comes you your personal health, that's nothing to play
around with. The same could be said for your co-workers health.
How could you possibly affect the health of your co-workers' health you
ask? Simple. By going in to work sick. During flu season, your
germs could infect others and lay waste to the entire company's
productivity for the duration of the bug you acquired and spread. So if
you are sick, stay home, keep your germs to yourself, get plenty of
rest and only go back to work when you're well.
"In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars, and
other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a
dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic;
and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66
to 11,497." - Warren Buffett
On New Year's Eve, Daniel, a sales person, was in no shape to
drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.
"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Daniel.
"And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the police officer
sarcastically.
"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.
Moral of the story. If you've gotten off to a bad start already in
2014, before getting out of bed this morning, why not recite this little
New Year's Day prayer?
Dear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then
on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
A salesman and his girlfriend were spending a quiet New Year's Day at
home, before heading out for some more festivities that evening. In
fact, Jenna, the salesman's fiance, was just waking up from a two hour
nap. "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond engagement ring as a
New Year's present. Jenna declared. What do you think it means?"
'Aha, you'll know later tonight," answered the salesman, smiling broadly.
Later that evening, at the party, the salesman approached Jenna and
handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she tore open the
package quickly. There in her hands rested a book entitled: 'The
Meaning of Dreams.'
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed long term, they must do a better job of managing the
expectations of their prospects and customers. Moving forward at a
planned logical pace rather than making unreasonable promises and
selling dreams permits you to move forward at a measured, profitable
pace. A pace that is much more preferred than a wild ride up and down
on a roller coaster of emotions, resentment and ruined relationships.
"You can't base your life on other people's expectations." - Stevie Wonder
Feeling nostalgic on New Year's day, the seventy-five year old
salesman and his wife drove to the nursery school where they first met.
Outside, they stood before the old oak tree where he had carved "JS
loves MB" inside a heart; they peered into the windows at the corner
where he'd stolen his first playful kiss from his future bride.
As they drove home, the salesman and his wife, found themselves
behind an armored car, and when the Brinks truck hit a pothole, a fat
canvas bag dropped out, so the couple stopped to retrieve it.
"My goodness," said the salesman's wife, looking inside the canvas bag, "there must be half a million dollars in here!"
Scrupulously honest, the salesman said, "Dear. We must give it back."
"No way!" she snapped. And they drove home.
The next day two insurance agents came to their door. "We're talking
to all the people in the neighborhood," said one, "to see if anyone
found a bag with money in it."
"We sure didn't find one," replied the salesman's wife, quickly.
"Yes we did," replied the guilt-stricken salesman.
The salesman's wife fired him a withering glance, then said to the agents. "You'll have to forgive my husband. He's senile."
"No, I'm not!" insisted the salesman, holding the agents with his
steady gaze. "My wife and I were driving home from nursery school and
--"
"Come on," said the first agent to his associate, "maybe we'll have better luck at the next house."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you need to make sure that you save plenty of
money during your income generating years for your retirement. Not
everyone has the time and patience to follow Brinks trucks around
everywhere. Further, if others think you are senile and you're not,
don't worry! If you play along, you just might be able to supplement
your retirement income with a new career in shoplifting, home break-ins,
auto-theft or any other type of crime where senility is accepted as an
alibi. Remember, in tough situations, always play to your strengths
and the reputation others have of you, and you can never lose. Now go
out and make 2015 your best year ever!
"Young men have a passion for regarding their elders as senile." - Henry Adams
"When you become senile, you won't know it." - Bill Cosby
The salesman's New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular
marathon with numerous guests, co-workers, friends, neighbors and
relatives, coming and going. At one point a man knocked at the door,
was greeted heartily by the salesman, and although nobody knew who he
was, the salesman led him to his fully stocked bar in the basement.
The strange guest just sat there at the bar for a couple of hours
before the salesman passed by him as he was making his rounds. At that
moment a strange look came over the stranger's face.
"You know," he confided to the salesman. "I wasn't even invited to
your party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars
are blocking my driveway."
"No worries," replied the salesman. "I'm glad you and your wife are having a good time."
"Her?" replied the stranger, pointing the very attractive young lady
dressed in a classic black party dress. "Oh, no. She's not my wife.
She's just been very friendly to me the past couple of hours. My wife
has been sitting out in the car, waiting for me to get the driveway
cleared."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful in sales you need to know all the people in the party you
are trying to do business with. By not knowing all those involved in
your customers' or your prospects' decision making process, you might
unknowingly leave someone out in the cold. This could lead to a
buildup of resentment towards you and eventually cost you the sale.
"Our sympathy is cold to the relation of distant misery." - Edward Gibbon
