Sales Joke of the Day (May 9) One Too Many.

Two salesmen were enjoying a long evening after work, drinking at the bar.  After about five hours, one turned to the other and said, "I've got to get out of here.  I have to go home right now and take my wife's panties off!"


The second salesman's jaw drops to the bar as he said, "What made you suddenly think of that?"


The first salesman replied, "Because after a long day at work and now sitting here on this narrow bar stool, they're just too darn tight and they're starting to cut of my circulation."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know better than to ever have too much to drink.  Too much alcohol tends to loosen your inhibitions and causes you to let your guard down.   Then you start sharing way too much information about yourself to the very people who can use it against you later. 
 

"What's the worst thing that can happen?  If it doesn't do well I can put on my big girl panties, deal with it and move on."   -  Halle Berry

 

Hey folks!   Have a great weekend!

Just make sure it is a safe one! 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 28) The Offer.

The salesman was joined at the bar by a voluptuous woman who soon made her talents and charms abundantly clear.  "I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a hundred and fifty dollars."


"That's a lot of money," the salesman pointed out, admiring the cleavage set forth right under his nose.


"I'm worth it," she assured him breathlessly.  "For a hundred and fifty dollars, I'll act out your wildest, hottest fantasy.  In fact, I can make any three words come true.  Just dream them up, baby."


"Any three words?  For a hundred and fifty dollars?"  The salesman's voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept further and further up his inner thigh.  She slowly nodded yes while reaching her other hand up to caress the back of his neck while the salesman considered her offer.


Finally the salesman leaned back with a big smile and announced, "Okay you've got a deal!"   And with that he leaned over and whispered into the woman's ear, breathlessly,  "Paint my house."


Moral of the story.   No matter how tense the situation or how stiff, the competition, true sales professionals rise to the occasion with qualifying, control and closing questions.   True sales professionals would never use an open-ended question when trying to close a deal.   Would you?


"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."                                              -  Theodore Roosevelt

Sales Joke of the Day (March 15) The Slap.

A drunken salesman, after visiting several drinking establishments, walks into another tavern, sees a woman sitting at the bar and goes up and kisses her.


She slaps him, "I'm sorry," says the drunken salesman, "but you look just like my wife."


"You are drunk, disgusted, perverted and despicable" yells the woman.


The salesman replies, "Funny, you sound like her too!" 


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to have your life in order.  You need to be in control.  Control comes from asking questions first, and fully understanding the situation BEFORE taking action.   Reverse the order and get ready to be slapped back into reality, really quick and really hard.


"Sometimes those fears creep into the back of your head, but then you slap yourself and think, 'Oh, woe is me!  People actually like me.'  What a silly thing to worry about.  This is a huge opportunity, and I'm excited."       -  Ben McKenzie

Sales Joke of the Day (March 14) The Decoy.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a salesman stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When the salesman finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.


The cop asks, "How is this possible?" 


The salesman replies, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be part of a well-oiled machine that anticipates hurdles, implements contingency plans and executes effective action to get the job done.  When times are tough, even lone wolves know that they need to hunt in packs, in order to survive.


"I saw a crow building a nest, I was watching him very carefully, I was kind of stalking him and he was aware of it.  And you know what they do when they become aware of someone stalking them when they build a nest, which is a very vulnerable place to be?  They build a decoy nest.  It's just for you."    -   Tom Waits

  

 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 6) The Presentation.

A salesman walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the counter, and announces that the dog can talk and that he has a hundred dollars he's willing to be anyone who says he can't.  The bartender quickly takes the bet.


The salesman looks at his dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"


The dog answers, "Roof."


The bartender says, "Who are you kidding?  I'm not paying." 


The salesman says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."  The bartender agrees.


The salesman turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"


The dog answers, "Ruth."


With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.


As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the salesman and asks, "DiMaggio?"


Moral of the story.    Sales professionals know that if you want to make your presentations successful you need to remember two main things.  First, you need to ask the right questions in order to move the presentation in the direction you want it to go.  Second, you need to make sure that you give your audience more than what they expect.  You need to stand out and differentiate yourself from the competition.  If you just show up and throw up a similar canned speech they've heard before, you'll be thrown out on your ear and your career will soon go to the dogs.


"The entertainment is in the presentation."   -  John McTiernan 

Sales Joke of the Day (January 23) The Ugly Dog.

A little salesman walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.


"Look at that silly dog," sneered a burly guy with a rottweiler.  "Look at that long nose and those stumpy little legs.  That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen."


"Yeah?" said the little salesman bravely.  "But he's real mean."


"Mean?  Don't make me laugh!" exclaimed the burly guy with rottweiler.  "I'll bet you my rottweiler can finish off your ugly mutt in two minutes!"


"Okay.  You're on!" replied the little salesman.


The dachshund and the rottweiler lined up nose to nose, then the dachshund suddenly lunged forward and bit the rottweiler in half.  


The burly guy couldn't believe it.  "What kind of a dog is that?"  he growled.


"Well," replied the little salesman.  "Before I cut his tail off, he was a crocodile."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales it's always better to under promise and over deliver.  In other words, always make sure that your bite is worse than your bark.


"You gotta be really careful what you bite off. Don't bite off more than you can chew. It's a dangerous world."  - Ozzy Osbourne

Sales Joke of the Day (December 27) Too Routine.

A salesman walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk.  He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.


The bartender politely informs the salesman that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he would not be served additional liquor at this bar.  The bartender would however, get a cab called for him.


The drunken sales is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.


A few minutes later, the same drunk salesman stumbles in the side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over, and still politely, but more firmly, refuses service to the salesman due to his inebriation.  Again the bartender offers to call a cab for him.


The drunken salesman looks at the bartender angrily, curses and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.


A few minutes later, the same drunken salesman bursts in through the back door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.


The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the drunken salesman, that he is clearly drunk, will be served no more drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.


The surprised drunken salesman looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that it takes more than just persistence to be successful at sales.  It takes a clear head, a plan and customer centricity.    What new piece of information of real value to their business, are you bringing to each face to face meeting?  Remember, your prospects have their own customers to take care of and their own businesses to run.   Showing up time and time again with nothing of value, will guarantee that you'll be shown the door.


"Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost:  for support, not illumination."     
                                                                                                          -  Vin Scully

Sales Joke of the Day (November 2) Shy.

A very shy salesman goes into a pub and sees a very beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if we chatted for awhile?"


She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No I won't sleep with you tonight!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally, the salesman is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.


After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at the salesman and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."


"Oh, I understand, you were just doing a study,"  replied the salesman.   "Just hold on a sec, I think I can help you with your research.  Just a sec."    The salesman turns to the bar crowd and yells at the top of his voice,   "What do you mean $200 an hour?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be confident with what they say, how they deal with customers and how they ask their questions.  If you lack confidence, you will not be treated with respect, and your questions won't be taken seriously.


"With confidence, you have won before you have started."          -      Marcus Garvey

Sales Joke of the Day (September 19) The Bar Guy.

A insurance salesman walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State Building and sits next to a guy who starts up a conversation with him just two gulps into his beer.   "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you reach the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back in through the window."  The bartender shakes his head in disapproval as he wipes the bar.

The insurance salesman says, as he wipes some suds from his chin, "What are you a nut?  There is no way in h-e-c-k that could happen."

The guy next to him say, "No!  It's true!  Let me prove it to you."   So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens toward the street below.  But when he passes the 10th floor, a high wind whips him around the building and back in through the 10th floor window.  He takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The insurance salesman says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a fluke."  

The guy next to him at the bar says, "No fluke, I'll prove it again."   And again he jumps off the balcony and hurtles towards the street, where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and in through the window.  Once upstairs, he urges the insurance salesman to try it.

The insurance salesman, staring into the golden elixir before him, finally gathers enough courage to say, "Sure, what the h-e-c-k!  It works, so I'll try it!   So he jumps off the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 10th floor at full speed and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the guy and says, "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you must master the concept of risk versus reward.   If there is little reward in it for you, don't risk your time, your resources or your well-being.   Second, if you find yourself in a bar and you've been drinking, don't believe anything you see or hear.   Especially if someone tells you to jump off a table, a building or a bridge. Last, even though as sales professionals, others often expect you to do the impossible, you must remember that no one is Superman.  So set your personal expectations of what you can accomplish at a more human level.

"You can't relate to a superhero, to a Superman, but you can identify with a real man who in times of crisis draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs but only after a struggle."      -    Timothy Dalton