Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 31) Freaky Football

A salesman comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.  His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.  He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a huge fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What the heck was that?"

The salesman replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 to nothing."

His wife fully aware of her husband's hyper-competitive nature, thinks to herself, "I'll fix him." She lets one of her own rip loose between the sheets.

"What was that?" the salesman yells.

His wife replies, "Touchdown.  Tie game."

The salesman is furious.  He can't let his wife tie or beat him.  Not at this!  So he lays there for about ten minutes trying to work up another bowel buster.  In fact he tries so hard that he actually messes the bed with very little acoustic accompaniment.

His wife is somewhat startled, but has to ask anyway,  "What was that?

The salesman, temporarily lost for words, and somewhat embarrassed, blurts out, "Half time, switch sides."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that staying out late till 3 in the morning and getting drunk is no way to win the sales game.  That sort of lifestyle can get real messed up, real fast.  Unless of course, you don't give a crap about your sales career.

"In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know where the goalposts are."    -   Arnold H. Glasgow

Sales Joke of the Day (July 31) The Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.  Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.  The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door.   A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed a mop.  Guaranteed to be super absorbant to keep his floors super dry and safe.   Slamming the door, the man returned to his bath.  Off went his slippers and his towels but as he moved towards the tub he slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard percelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.  Nothing is broken.  But you need to relax.  Why don't you go home and take a nice hot bath?"

Moral of the story.   Selling to your customers' pain is always the easiest way to sell.  What separates the average from the truly great sales professional is often timing.  Always remember this...  if you let a customer "slip" away it often hurts them way more than it hurts you.

Sales Joke of the Day (July 30) Lost.

One day a salesman was walking in the woods when he got lost.  For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.  He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.  Over a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.  Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him killing an endangered species.  At court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing remarks he asked the salesman, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.  I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.  What did it taste like?"

The salesman answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that amongst predators it's kill or be killed.  In the wild or in the sales jungle, if you aren't faster than the competition they'll eat your lunch, or eat you for lunch depending on the situation.  True sales professionals also know that whether it's walking through the woods or meeting your quota, if you don't map out your route, you are liable to get lost.

"He who learns but does not think, is lost!  He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."     -  Confucius

Monday, July 30, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 30) The Bank Job

Two sales reps are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.  While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two sales reps, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, smart phones etc.

While this is going on sales rep number one jams something into sales rep number two's hand.  Without looking down, sales rep number two whispers, "What is this?" to which sales rep number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you!"

Moral of the story.   No matter how dire the circumstances a number one sales rep stays number one by always looking for opportunities to make money.  The ability to toss losing situations to your colleagues, cannot be overlooked.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."   -  Johnny Carson

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 29) New Territory

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time.  After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel and went to its restaurant for dinner.  He ordered a small beer.  The waitress brought him a huge mug.

"Waitress" he said, "I ordered a small beer."  She responded, "This is Texas.  In Texas this is a small beer."   Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick steak so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the platter!

"Waitress, I ordered a petite steak."

She told him that in Texas that was a petite steak .   After awhile all that 'small' beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the rest room was.  She told him to go down to the hall two doors and turn to the 'RIGHT'.  The salesman staggered down the hall two doors, turned 'LEFT', and walked into the hotel swimming pool.    As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,  "DON'T FLUSH!"

Moral of the story.   When you get a new sales territory, for the first quarter or two it can seem like your drowning.  The trick is first, sit down and write up a business plan, a plan of attack, a "MAP" to success if you will.   Then simply work your plan.  Without a plan it's easy to get sidetracked and into stuff way over your head.

"A strategy delineates a territory in which a company seeks to be unique."   -  Michael Porter

Sales Joke of the Day (July 29) The Dinner Party

A salesman hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.  All during the sit-down dinner, the salesman's three year old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her.  The cute little girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The salesman's boss, checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing he did could stop the little girl from staring at him.  The sales manager tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.  He asked the salesman's daughter, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The salesman's little girl replied, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know better than to mix work with the home front.  Especially when kids are involved.  Kids tend to tell the truth regardless of consequences.  Exposing your young ones to the duplicity of the work environment could scar them for life and stunt their social development.  If you feel you must entertain your work colleagues, do so at a restaurant.  No good can come from your co-workers finding out how you really live outside of nine to five.

"And I'm not apolitical - I'm very specific in my politics. But a lot of the time it's nobody's business unless you're over at my house having dinner."               -         Tom Hanks

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 28) The Job Interview Question

This brain teaser was actually used in a job interview....    see how you do.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream partner again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Moral of the Story:     Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Sales Joke of the Day (July 28) The Happy Meal

A young salesman goes to McDonald's for lunch and notices an elderly couple sit down in the booth next to him.  They had ordered a Happy Meal and an extra drink cup.  As the salesman watched, the elderly man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.  Then he carefully poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and sat that down in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young salesman decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another Happy Meal for them so they didn't have to split theirs. 

The old gentleman replied, "Oh no.  We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young salesman then asked the wife if she was going to eat.   She replied, "It's my husband's turn with the teeth!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that whether you're at home, at the office, or on the road; you always need to take care of your teeth.  Nothing makes a prospective customer feel more at ease than a warm, friendly, cavity-free, smile.  Know this, if you look after your teeth, they will last you a lifetime.  And nothing makes a meal more "happy" than having the ability to chew it all by yourself, with your own teeth.

"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."     -  Herb Caen

Friday, July 27, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 27) Salesperson's Famous Last Words

"You can make it easy....   that train isn't coming very fast!"

"Gimme a match.  I think my gas tank is empty!"

"Honey, these biscuits are hard!"

"If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop."

"Say, who is the boss of this joint anyhow?"

"Let's see if it's loaded."

"Step on her, boy, we're only going 75 and we don't want to be late for that meeting!"

"Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it."

"I used to run track in college, I can keep up with you in the corporate 10 mile run no problem.

"What?  Your mother is going to stay another month!"

"Just watch me dive from that bridge!"

"Try shaking the propane tank first and then hitting it with the sledge hammer.  It can't be empty yet.  Don't want these hamburgers going to waste!"

Moral of the story.    During the lazy, hazy days of summer salespeople everywhere tend to let their guard down.  Professionals on the other hand always stay alert and make smart decisions.   Besides it tough to hit quota when your dead.   So now that it's summer out there folks.....   play safe!

Sales Joke of the Day (July 27) Good Mourning!

A salesman passes away.

His widow and her friend are sitting together having lunch after the funeral service.  The friend asks the widow if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her.  "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance but it's all gone already."

"All gone already?" the friend asks, shocked.

"Yes," said the widow. 

"I don't understand," says the friend.  "How did you go through $10,000 so quickly?"

"Well, it's really not as bad as you think," said the widow.  "I had to pay $5,500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and the $3000 left over was for the memorial stone.

Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says, "That must have been some memorial stone for $3000!"

The widow answered, "You bet!  It's three carats, the gold one next to my ring finger.  Don't you just love it?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that good times don't last forever.  During boom times, you need to save some of those big commission checks for when times are tough.  In addition, you must also plan for your loved ones in case tragedy strikes and you're not around.  Your income would need to be replaced.

But it's Friday folks!    No need to get depressed over all that mortality stuff!   Go out and party!!!  Enjoy the weekend!   Life is too short for worry!!!   Live while you can!!!

"For years I have been mourning and not for my dead, it is for this boy for whatever corner in my heart died when his childhood slid out of my arms."      -    William Gibson

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sales Joke of the Day (July 26) The Druggist

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, a salesman was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.  He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the salesman drove downtown to the druggist to demand an apology.

But before the salesman could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now just a minute.  Listen to my side of it.  This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car.  Just then I realized I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.  So I had to break a window to get my keys.  Driving a little too fast to work, I got a speeding ticket.  Then about three blocks from the store I got a flat tire.  When I finally got to the store, there was a line up of people waiting for me to open the place up.  I got the store open and started waiting on the folks in line.  All this time the phone kept ringing.  Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register to make change.  They spilled all over the floor.  I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick them all up.  Did I mention the phone was still ringing?  When I got back to my feet, I cracked my head on the open crash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on t and half of them hit the floor and broke.  The phone is still ringing with no let up, so while I'm bleeding and stinking of too much perfume I finally get a chance to answer it.   It was your wife.   And when she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer, I simply TOLD HER!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals understand that some prospects and customers aren't grumpy at them, their company or the products they're selling.  They're just grumpy because they're having a bad day.  They're not saying no to you but rather, they are just saying no to their present situation.   True sales professionals know that when situations like this occur, wait 48 hours and try again. 

"I wanted to be a pharmacist. I liked the way our local pharmacist was always dressed in a nice white coat; he looked very calm, you'd give him money, and he'd give you something that you wanted to buy."   
-   Walter Matthau