Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 31) The New Year's Eve Party.

The salesman's New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests, co-workers, friends, neighbors and relatives, coming and going.    At one point a man knocked at the door, was greeted heartily by the salesman, and although nobody knew who he was, the salesman led him to his fully stocked bar in the basement.

The strange guest just sat there at the bar for a couple of hours before the salesman passed by him as he was making his rounds.  At that moment a strange look came over the stranger's face.  

"You know," he confided to the salesman.  "I wasn't even invited to your party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

"No worries," replied the salesman.  "I'm glad you and your wife are having a good time."

"Her?" replied the stranger, pointing the very attractive young lady dressed in a classic black party dress.  "Oh, no.  She's not my wife.   She's just been very friendly to me the past couple of hours.   My wife has been sitting out in the car, waiting for me to get the driveway cleared."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales you need to know all the people in the party you are trying to do business with.   By not knowing all those involved in your customers' or your prospects'  decision making process, you might unknowingly leave someone out in the cold.   This could lead to a buildup of resentment towards you and eventually cost you the sale.

"Our sympathy is cold to the relation of distant misery."     -  Edward Gibbon

Monday, December 30, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Snoring.

Fed up with the salesman's persistent snoring, his wife called the doctor to ask him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering. 

"Well," said the doctor, "there is one operation I could perform that will cure your husband, but it is really expensive.  It will cost you $7,000 down followed by payments of about $2,000 per month for 48 months."

"What could possibly cost that much?" asked the salesman's wife.

"A new sports car," replied the doctor.

"A new sports car?  How will that help cure my husband's snoring?"

"Well," said the doctor, "with payments like that, your husband won't be able to sleep at night.  He'll be up worrying about how he's going to afford the payments!

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that a big mortgage, huge car payments and heavy consumer debt can all contribute to one's motivation.   There's nothing like financial desperation to help you make that next cold call.

"Life is what you make it:  if you snooze you lose; and if you snore, you lose more."    
                                                                                                           -      Phyllis George

Sales Joke of the Day (December 30) The Truck Stop.

A middle-aged salesman was sitting in a truck stop when four rough bikers strode in.  The first walked over to the salesman and stubbed a cigarette into his lunch.  Then, the second biker spat in the salesman's Coke.  The third biker picked up the salesman's plate of food and threw it on the floor.  The fourth biker walked right up to the salesman, put his face three inches in front of the salesman's face and said "Boo!" real loud.

Without flinching, or saying a word, the salesman got up, paid his bill at the counter, along with a generous tip to the waitress, and left.

"He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress.

"Not much of an SUV driver either," the waitress replied.  "He just backed it over four motorcycles and drove over them a second time on his way out of the parking lot."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you can't afford the time to pay any attention to constant critics.   There will always be those customers and prospects who whine and constantly complain in public.   Because of something going wrong in their lives, they feel compelled to try and drag you down to their level of mediocrity.   Whatever you do, don't take the bait!    Instead, be patient and just walk away.   Your opportunity for revenge will eventually present itself.   And when it does, tread heavily!

"The best revenge is massive success."   -  Frank Sinatra

"Living well is the best revenge."    -  George Herbert

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 29) The Gas Station.

Before driving across five states to get to his wife's parents to celebrate New Years, the salesman pulled in to a gas station to put some air in his tires.  He had noticed earlier that morning that they looked a little flat.

"How much is that?" the salesman asked the cashier.

"Ten dollars."

"Ten dollars!  That's way too expensive!  It's only air!" exclaimed the salesman.

The cashier calmly replied:  "Well sir, that's inflation for you."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales they need to understand economic trends like inflation.  Being able to understand in advance how trends like inflation will affect the industries you sell to, will help you to prioritize your time more effectively.  Are your customers positively or adversely affected by the current economic trends?   Are you selling any product or service which would improve their competitive positioning, their internal operations, or their customer relations during tough times?  Will your customers' cash flow be positively or negatively affected?   An increase in cash flow can mean an increased tendency to spend money.  A decreased cash flow will tighten the purse strings and delay or cancel some planned expenditures.   Sales professionals stay vigilant to ensure that none of their projects lose their funding.  No sales professional wants to see their commission checks go through a period of rapid deflation.

"Production is the only answer to inflation."    - Chester Bowles

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 28) The Dinner Party.

The sales team decided to get together for dinner at a fancy restaurant over the holidays.  Somehow, as they were waiting for their orders to arrive at their festively decorated table, the conversation turned into a heated discussion about whether men or women were more trustworthy.

The senior salesman on staff was particularly outspoken, insisting that:  "No woman can keep a secret."

"That's not true at all," said the very attractive saleswoman sitting directly opposite the salesman.  "I've kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it slip someday," replied the senior salesman.

"No way!" exclaimed the saleswoman.  "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-six years, she can keep it forever!"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to successful in sales, secrets are the last thing you want to be keeping from your customers and prospects.   Full transparency is the best currency to use with people you do business.   No surprises leads to personal credibility over time.   Gathering secrets and keeping them within a tight-knit group, isn't building up an asset of value, instead, it's creating a huge liability.   A liability that when exposed could damage reputations and cost the enterprise dearly.

"I believe fundamental honesty is the keystone of business."      -  Harvey Firestone

Friday, December 27, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Dog House.

A salesman was sitting in his back yard looking rather sad.  His neighbor called over the fence to ask what the problem was.

"I fell for one of those questions women ask," said the salesman.  "Now I'm in the dog house."

"What kind of question?" asked the neighbor.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said the neighbor.  "You just say, of course I will."

"Yeah," sighed the salesman. "That's what I meant to say.  But what came out was, of course I do."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful you must be fully alert at al times, especially when engaged in conversation with a prospect.  If you find yourself just going through the motions, just rehashing well-worn phrases when answering customer questions, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself in the doghouse too.

"A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer."  -    Bruce Lee

Sales Joke of the Day (December 27) Too Routine.

A salesman walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk.  He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the salesman that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he would not be served additional liquor at this bar.  The bartender would however, get a cab called for him.

The drunken sales is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk salesman stumbles in the side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over, and still politely, but more firmly, refuses service to the salesman due to his inebriation.  Again the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunken salesman looks at the bartender angrily, curses and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunken salesman bursts in through the back door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the drunken salesman, that he is clearly drunk, will be served no more drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunken salesman looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that it takes more than just persistence to be successful at sales.  It takes a clear head, a plan and customer centricity.    What new piece of information of real value to their business, are you bringing to each face to face meeting?  Remember, your prospects have their own customers to take care of and their own businesses to run.   Showing up time and time again with nothing of value, will guarantee that you'll be shown the door.

"Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost:  for support, not illumination."     
                                                                                                          -  Vin Scully

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 26) The Game Show.

It was Boxing Day, and a salesman was fortunate enough to be selected to be a contestant on a TV Game Show and for $500,000 he was asked to name two of Santa's reindeer.

"Rudolph and Olive,"   he answered confidently.

There was a stunned silence among the audience.  They didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The host shuffled uneasily.  "Er, uh, we can accept Rudolph, but I'm not sure about Olive.  How did you come by that?"

The salesman began to sing, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say it glows.  Olive, the other reindeer....."

Moral of the story.     True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, it never comes down to has the correct answers, but rather, who asks the better questions.  As for Olive, the other reindeer, let them laugh, let them call you names, and quite frankly who cares whether or not they let you play their reindeer games.  They are never the ones most folks remember anyway.

"You'll go down in history."      -    Billy Gilman

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 25) The Christmas Presents.

The salesman had twin children, Will, his son and Jenny, his daughter.   The two had entirely different outlooks on life.  Will was born a pessimist while Jenny was an eternal optimist.  These greatly differing attitudes caused the salesman a great deal of concern.  Particularly when it came to buying presents for them.  So the salesman decided he better consult a child psychiatrist with regard to what he should buy them for Christmas.   The psychiatrist told the salesman to spend as much as he could afford on Will the pessimist but said that Jenny would probably be happy with anything.  "In fact," said the psychiatrist, "Why not get a pile of manure for Jenny and wrap that up?  I'm sure she would be very happy with that."

The salesman took the psychiatrist's advice and spent five-hundred dollars on presents for his son Will and wrapped up a heap of manure for his daughter Jenny.

Come Christmas morning as the kids were opening up their presents, the salesman asked Will, "So, what has Santa brought you this year?"

Will answered gloomily, "A brand new bike, but I'll probably get run over while riding it; football cleats, but I'll probably break my leg while playing; and an electric train set that I'll probably end up electrocuting myself with."

Realizing this Christmas wasn't quite going as planned, the salesman turned quickly to his daughter Jenny and asked, "So what has Santa brought you this year?"

"I think I got a pony," exclaimed Jenny, who was up to her elbows in manure, "but I haven't been able to find it yet!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize over the holiday season that life is, really what we ourselves make of it.   It's how we look at things, not what we have that counts.   And, if you feel, over the holidays, that you are up to your elbows in manure.   Don't fret!   You're just an optimist!   And your pony is just a couple of feet deeper.  So dig in and enjoy!

"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store."        -   Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 24) The Present.

"What would you like for Christmas, darling?" asked the salesman as the couple prepared to spend their 20th Christmas together.  "How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"

"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife.

"Then, what about a new Mercedes?"

"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife.

"What about a Christmas holiday in Bali?"

"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife.  "You see, what I really want is a divorce."

"A divorce?" exclaimed the salesman.  "Sorry, darling.  I wasn't planning to spend nearly that much!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, they must be constantly North polling their customers and prospects to determine their ever-changing list of needs and wants.   At the same time, true sales professionals are aligning these needs and wants to the prospect's or customer's budget in order to keep things real.   Failure to keep any proposed project within budgetary reality could have you heading to Splitsville.   And where's the commission in that?

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."         - Dave Berry

Monday, December 23, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Christmas Kebabs.

A salesman walks into a kebab shop and was surprised to see Santa serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he said.  "What are you doing working here?  Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa let out a long sigh.  He had really fallen on hard times. The red suit was splattered with chili sauce and bits of lettuce, his apron was a mess,and he looked as if the last thing in the world he wanted to be doing was serving kebabs.

Eventually he admitted: "I'm afraid my business has gone belly up, a big bowl full of jelly belly up.  What, with the credit crunch and the recession, the toy industry took a real hammering.  I had to lay off some of the elves.  The bank wouldn't give me a loan to retool and as a result we lost our competitive edge.  We wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS but none of these measures helped our profitability.  Finally the receivers came in, asset stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Sorry to hear that," said the salesman.  "It kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas."

"I know," said Santa smiling weakly. "Anyway, enough of me, and my troubles.  What can I get you?"

The salesman said, "I'll have a large Donner kebab."

"Sorry," said Santa.  "We were all finished with Donner on Tuesday.  "Will a Blitzen do instead?"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in tough times you have to stay positive.  In order to do that, jettison any prospects that have fallen on hard times.  Their moaning on and on about how bad the economy is, how unfair things are, how the world's set against them will drain you of all your energy and time.  Want to stay positive?  Deal with only folks who are positive about their business and their future.  Winners press on, move forward, expand their business and buy stuff to help accommodate their growth.  Losers lament, complain and drain.  Stick with winners, discard the losers and your career will soar!

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  That little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative."      
                                                        -    W. Clement Stone

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Christmas Cough.

A salesman went to the doctor complaining of a sore throat and cough.

"Hmmm," said the doctor, examining him.  "Your throat is very swollen.  I wonder if it's an allergic reaction to something you've eaten.  Have you eaten anything out of the ordinary lately?"

The salesman looked sheepish.  "Well doctor, I know it was a stupid thing to do, but two days ago I ate some of our Christmas decorations."

"Ah, that explains it!" explained the doctor triumphantly.  "You've got tinselitis."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that during the holiday season they need to get plenty of rest in order to stay healthy.  Too many late nights, too much partying and extreme changes in diet over the holidays can make you sick.  Being sick is not the way to get the next year in your sales career off to a great start.

"Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, Is this all I got?"       
                                                                                      -      Frasier, Cheers 1982

Sales Joke of the Day (December 23) The Dinner.

A salesman is dining in a fancy restaurant, a couple of days before Christmas, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the salesman.  He reflectively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.  "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.  "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks.  After paying for everything, she asks the salesman if he would like to come back to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The following morning, she cooks him a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.   The salesman is amazed!  Everything had been incredible!

"You know," said the salesman, "you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," replied the woman, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to fully understand the importance of establishing and maintaining good eye contact with prospects and clients.   Good eye contact establishes credibility, indicates confidence and goes a long way to closing the deal with customers.   Failure to make good eye contact often leads to a lack of trust and lost sales.

"People simply don't make eye contact anymore."     -   Eric Kripke

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 22) The Company Christmas Party.

The salesman and his wife are getting ready to go to his company Christmas party that evening.  They are are dressed up, looking their best as the salesman puts their cat out in the backyard for the evening.   Their taxi arrives, but just as the couple is leaving their cat shoots back into the house.   They don't want their cat left in the house, so the salesman's wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat outside.

The salesman's wife, not wanting it known that the home will be empty, explains to the taxi driver:  "My husband is just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."    A few minutes later the salesman gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long!" he exclaimed.   "That stupid animal was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a two by four to get her to come out!   Then I had to wrap her in blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me, or drooling all over my brand new suit.  I finally was able to haul her b-u-t-t downstairs and toss her in the backyard!   She'd better not scratch the paint off our back door or take a c-r-a-p on the deck again, either!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to avoid taking unnecessary risks.   For some, the company Christmas party is a time to celebrate the year and cut loose with your co-workers.   Often this may lead to an over-consumption of alcohol.   That is why it's always best to take a cab to these events.   Taking the "fare"way rather than the freeway is a reasonable toll to ensure that death's bell doesn't toll for you.

"There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat;  if you don't pet her for ten minutes she'll bother you for six hours."  -  Scott Adams

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 21) Casting in Central Park.

A kind-hearted salesman is walking through Central Park in the afternoon, a few days before Christmas.   He is astonished to see an old man, could be homeless, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a snow bank while sitting on a park bench.

"Tsk,tsk!" said the salesman to himself.  "What a sad sight.  That poor old man is fishing over a snow bank.  The only thing he's going to catch is pneumonia.  I'll see if I can help!"

So the kind salesman walks up to the old man and asks, "What are you doing my friend?"

"Fishin', sir," the old man replied.

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?  After all, it's almost Christmas."

The old man nods a yes, puts his fishing rod away and follows the kind salesman straight to the corner bar.  The salesman orders the old man a large glass of beer, a warm bowl of soup and the fine cigar the old man had asked for.

The salesman feels good about helping out the old man and he asks, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow takes a long drag on his cigar, blows a careful smoke ring and replies, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know it doesn't matter how old you are, where you are, or what the weather is that day.   As long as you have done your homework, picked the right target market and selected the right bait; anyone, can be successful at selling.

"It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish."                                                               -    Stephen Leacock

Friday, December 20, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 20) The Fireside Chat.

The salesman and his wife were relaxing in front of the fireplace at the end of a long work week.  The weather outside was frightful, ice and snow everywhere with the potential of rain in the forecast.   In just a few days their home would full of festive organized chaos, or as some would call it, having the whole family over for Christmas dinner.

Snuggling up next to her husband on the sofa, she asked the salesman, "Do you think our marriage is as good as Adam and Eve's was?"

"Well," replied the salesman, "it's not really a fair comparison."

"Why not?" asked his wife.

"For starters, Adam never had to listen to Eve talk on and on about all the other men she could have married, and on holidays, Adam never had to try and get along with his mother-in-law either.  On the bright side, at least none of our kids have killed each other yet."

"You're probably right, it's an unfair comparison" replied his wife.  "Come to think of it, Eve didn't have to decorate a tree, bake a turkey, pies and cookies and then have to clean up afterwards.   I wonder if that's why they call them the good old days."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must utilize the tools of compare and contrast to their maximum advantage.  True sales professionals never let a customer or prospect get away with an unfair product comparison.  The y make sure that when contrasting their products or services to a competitor's, they turn the contrast button up as high as it can go.     The more favorable differentiation you can make between what you company is offering and what the competitors are putting out there, the better chances you have of closing the deal.   Often times a potential customer will play down the differences between your product and cheaper priced competitor in hopes of simply driving down your price.   True sales professionals don't let them get away with it.

"I try to contrast; life today is full of contrast......  We have to change."      - Gianni Versace

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 19) Pictures.

His bride stepped out of the shower on their wedding night, wrapped in a robe.  The salesman said:  "You don't have to be shy now.  We're married."   So she took off her robe and revealed her naked body.

"Wow!" said the salesman.   "Let me take your picture."

"Why?" asked his wife coyly.

"So I can carry your beauty next to my heart for ever."

The salesman took his photo and then went to have a shower himself.  A few minutes later he emerged wrapped in a robe.

"Why are you wearing a robe, honey?" his wife asked.  "Remember, you don't have to be shy now.  We're married."   So the salesman took off his robe to reveal his naked body.

"Let me take your picture," his wife said.

"Why?" the salesman asked, grinning.

"So I can get it enlarged," was the reply.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to celebrate milestone events with their clients.   Taking clients out for dinner, a sporting event, a rock concert or perhaps a round of golf; can all be enhanced by taking a few pictures of those special occasions.  You can email a few of these photos to your clients to relive the good times or get the real great shots enlarged and framed as a nice way of capturing the moment.  During desperate times, true candid photography could generate additional streams of income, but please be aware of any rules and regulations surrounding such practices in your specific area.

"Anyone with a smartphone is a potential eyewitness cameraman capturing and transmitting stories at speeds that turn Reuter photos and traditional reporting into, well, .....   yesterday's news."                    -  Harvey Fierstein

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 18) The Dinner.

A salesman was sitting alone in a restaurant finishing his coffee and free after dinner mints when he suddenly heard a voice say:  "Wow! You look great tonight!  I love that shirt!"

The salesman looked around to see where the voice was coming from but the only other person in the room was a waiter.  So he called him over.  

"Excuse me," said the salesman, "Did you say something?"

"Not me sir," replied the waiter.

A few minutes later the same thing happened again.  This time the voice said:  "And your hair really suits you in that style.  It makes you look years younger."

Once more the salesman summoned the waiter.  "Did you say something just then?" he inquired.

"No, sir," replied the waiter.  "Not a word."

"Well that's twice now I've heard a voice and you're the only other person in the room."

The waiter thought for a moment, "This voice, did it say nice things or rude things?"

"Nice things," replied the salesman.

"Well, that's it then," said the waiter.  "It must have been the complimentary mints."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be able to gain and maintain the attention of your audience.   Compliments are a great way of doing this and should be used often.   But make sure to eat your after dinner mints first!

"I never get tired of hearing compliments."         -  John Lithgow

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 17) The Wedding Guests.

The salesman, his wife, and their five year old son were all invited to their cousin's wedding.   It would be their son's first wedding and they thought it would be a great learning experience for him. 

During the ceremony, the five year old son, whispered to his mother, "Why is the bride wearing all white?"

"Because, by wearing white she represents purity and hope for the future," answered the salesman's wife.

"Mom," their five year old son whispered again, "why is the groom wearing black then?"

"Shush now.  We must be quiet and show respect for the ceremony," his mother replied.

Later that evening, at the reception, the salesman's son, undaunted, still had questions.  With his mother away from the table, he seized upon the opportunity to get some answers from his father.

"Dad, why does the bride wear nothing but white?"

"Well son, most kitchen appliances come in white," answered the salesman.

"Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't honestly know the answer to that one yet son.   Your mother and I were married over ten years ago now, and I'm still paying.   Why don't you wait to ask me that question until the day that you get married?  I'm sure I'll have a much more accurate answer for you by then."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, they have to be perpetually curious and perpetually asking questions.   If one contact within the organization can't answer your question, or doesn't give you the answers you are looking for, simply ask someone else.    

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."           -     Walt Disney

Monday, December 16, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 16) Boasting.

An eighty-year-old, semi-retired salesman, was having his annual check-up. He boasted to the doctor:  "I've got an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.  How about that, eh, doc?"

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Let me tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was a keen hunter, but one weekend he left home in a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun.  Later that day, he came face to face with a huge grizzly bear.  The hunter raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.  And guess what?  The bear dropped dead!"

"That's impossible!" said the semi-retired salesman.  "Someone else must have shot that bear!"

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be humble.   Prospects and customers like to brag about their achievements, and their good fortune.   If you want to sell them something new, you need to get them to speak about their problems, their firm's short comings and their future needs.   Waste your time in front of customers and prospects bragging about your successes and accomplishments and you will be out standing in a field alright.   All by yourself.

"When boasting ends, there dignity begins."     -   Owen D. Young

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 15) The Clone.

The saleswoman led such a hectic life that she decided to ease her load by making a clone of herself.  The clone was a perfect replica except for the fact that it swore a lot.  No matter what the saleswoman did, she could not stop her clone from swearing. 

In the end, she was losing so much business because of her clone's fowl mouth that she decided to end the experiment by pushing her clone off of a tall building.

She was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must always speak with the utmost professionalism.  There will be those times, or those frustrating individuals that make you want to lose your temper and curse or swear.  But just remember, they are not worth it.  If you sink to their level, they win.   Generally speaking, those folks that insult others, ridicule others and hurl venom whenever they can, are just not happy with themselves or their accomplishments.   

"The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it."      
                                                                                                      -    George Washington

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 14) Ice Fishing.

It was a bitterly cold winter day.  The salesman decided to go fishing and cut a hole in the ice, but didn't catch a thing.  Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby and proceeded to catch fish after fish.   Eventually the salesman went over to the boy and said:  "I've been here six hours and haven't caught one fish.  You've been here only half an hour and you've at least ten.  What's your secret?"

The boy replied:  "Roo raf roo reep rur rurms rarm."

"Excuse me," replied the salesman, "I didn't catch what you just said."

"Roo raf roo reep rur rurms rarm," stated the boy for the second time.

"I'm sorry," said the salesman.  "But I still can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat out a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said:  "You have to keep your worms warm!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to keep your baiting material fresh.   If your material gets old or cold, your prospects will start to freeze you out and your commission catch will quickly be reduced to zero.  Always make sure that any bait coming out of your mouth, is only the best you have to offer.

"The finer the bait, the shorter the wait!"     -   Frank Gorshin

Friday, December 13, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 13) The Split.

After 35 years of marriage, the salesman said he wanted a divorce. 

His wife was stunned.

"But John," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together?  Remember, how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you and brought you back to good health?  Then when your family was wiped out by a hurricane, I was there for you.  When you were falsely accused of embezzlement at work, I stood by you.  Then when you gambled away over $40,000 of our savings at online poker, I sympathized and supported you.  When that fire destroyed your office at work I comforted you.  John!  How could you leave me?  We've been through so much!"

"That's the problem, Sue," replied the salesman.   "Face it.   You're just bad luck!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be persistent and skilled rather than lucky.   In tough times you need to work rather than discard your network.   During tough times, only a fool spurns those who have historically provided support.   During tough times, lashing out at or blaming others won't make things better.  In fact, if you cut off your support network, your downward spiral will only accelerate and the impact you make when you hit bottom will be that much more painful.

"I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species."    
                                                               -   Carrie Snow

Sales Joke of the Day. (archives) A Whole Hour.

One Friday morning, a salesman arrived late with one eye swollen shut, his left arm in a sling, and his clothes in tatters.

"It's 10:00," pointed out the sales manager, "and you were supposed to be here by 9:00."

The salesman explained, "I fell out of a tenth story window."

The sales manager snorted and remarked, "And what, it took you a whole hour to land?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that sales is a tough racket.   You can't let little things get you down.   No mater what, full speed ahead.     So if you've read down this far, what are doing?   How is this joke going to help you make your number this year?    It's December 13!  Only 12 days until Christmas and only 18 days left until year end.  Only 18 days left to hit your number for the year.   Set aside the seven swans a swimming and the partridge in a pear tree for a moment and focus on taking care of business today.  They'll be plenty of time for shopping and getting ready for the holiday season over the weekend.   Want a shot at just one of the five golden rings this year?  Then get back to work.....   At year end, an extra hour here or there can make a world of difference.

Good luck!

"The future is something everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, who ever he is." -  C.S. Lewis

"Let him who would enjoy a great future waste none of his present."        -  Roger Babson

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 12) Venison.

The salesman's family was given some venison from a friend of the family who was a skilled hunter.  That night the salesman's wife cooked up some deer steaks and served them for dinner.

"What is this?" asked the salesman's young daughter.  "Is it beef?"

"No, it's not beef," replied the salesman.

"Is it pork?" asked the salesman's son.

"No, it's not pork," replied the salesman.  "I'll give you a clue.  It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out sis!  Quick!  Spit it out!" yelled the salesman's son.  "I didn't think they'd get this big, but we must be eating bass turds!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, you need to be likeable.  People like to do business with people they like.  Chances are if your prospects or customers are calling you by other names behind your back, they are not going to be doing business with you much longer.   How do you know if they are calling you names?   Well in the majority of cases you'll never know.  The only thing you can do, is to do your best not to give them any reasons to call you names to begin with.   Never over promise and under deliver.   Never gouge a customer on price.  Never sell something to someone unless they absolutely need it.  Last, if a customer or prospect, asks you for something that you don't have, or can't deliver, simply tell them you can't and provide them with a referral to someone else who can help them out with their issues right now.   That's being of service.   That's what real customer service, rather than mere lip service, is all about.

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."   
                                                                                                -   Mahatma Gandhi

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 11) The Field.

A farm implements salesman was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field.  The farmer wasn't doing anything and appeared to be staring blankly at nothing in particular.

"What are you doing?" called out the salesman.  He wanted to make sure the farmer was okay.

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," replied the farmer.

"How are you going to accomplish that?" asked the salesman.

"Well," replied the farmer.  "I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they do have to be outstanding in their field.   They also know that success will never come to those who are just out standing around.   Want to be outstanding in your field?   If you want to get somewhere or accomplish anything of consequence in life, you need to get moving.  In sales, you need to be speaking with prospects.   If they are not beating down your door to do business with you, you need to be going out to see them.   So what are you waiting for?   Pick up that phone and start booking some appointments today.

"The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body.  The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results."                                                    - Tony Robbins

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (December 10) Big Maria Mountains.


The female sales manager was having a problem with her sales team.  She was beginning to regret moving to Blythe, California and taking the sales management job with a software company that had fallen on hard times.   But her turnaround plan had been accepted by the president of the company.  She was given the go ahead to hire six additional sales reps for a grand total of 24. She had announced the first meeting of the whole new sales team today right after lunch, at 1:15pm.

Unfortunately she was in the board room with only 21 members of her sales team and it was already 1:30pm.  Tardiness amongst her staff was a problem she would have to deal with right away.   Just as she was about to go ahead with the meeting anyway, one of her truant salesmen scurried to take his seat.

"What's the reason for your tardiness today Jeff?" the sales manager asked.

"My apologies Rhonda, but I was on top of Big Maria Mountains at lunch, and I lost track of time," replied the first salesman.

Just as the sales manager was again about to start the meeting, the second of her truant salesmen, scurried in to take his seat.    

"What's the reason for your tardiness today, George?" the sales manager asked with a little bit more tone this time around.

"Sorry, Rhonda, but I was on top of Big Maria Mountains today at lunch and I lost track of time," replied George, the second tardy salesman.

Now missing only one of her six new hires, Rhonda the sales manager, was just about to kick things off, when a young woman she had never seen before, scurried into the boardroom and quickly took her seat.

"Let me guess," asked the sales manager sarcastically, "Big Maria Mountains?"

"Well yes Rhonda," replied the new hire.   "I'm flattered that you know my name is Maria Mountains, but don't you think describing me as big is a little inappropriate."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to be punctual and present for internal sales meetings.   If you're late, you are showing disrespect not just towards your sales manager but towards your fellow colleagues too.   Here's a thought, next time you are scheduled for a sales meeting, show up a few minutes early, relax, and take some reading material with you.   Just make sure the reading material is appropriate.

"It's never to late to be what you might have been."     -     George Elliot