Saturday, November 30, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 30) The Newlyweds.

Some newly married friends are visiting the recently married salesman and his wife when the topic of children comes up.  The salesman's wife says she wants three children while the young salesman says two would be enough for him.

They discuss the discrepancy for a few minutes until the salesman decides to put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, his young wife retorts, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be great at negotiations.  Taking a firm stand, or making an ultimatum, too soon in any negotiation process, without first being willing to compromise, could spell disaster for your deal.  Contrary to popular belief, married sales professionals, male or female, will outsell their single counterparts, in a complex sales situation, because of their superior ability to compromise and negotiate.  The more complex and stressful the sales process, the more real life experience plays a factor.

"Let us move from the era of confrontation to the era of negotiation."       -  Richard M. Nixon

Friday, November 29, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 29) Women Drivers.

The salesman was driving to work on the Interstate.  As he was zipping along in the passing lane, he couldn't help notice a woman in her brand new Mustang doing only about 65 or 70 miles an hour to his right.   There she was with her face up to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!   The salesman looked away for a couple of seconds, and when he looked back at her again she was halfway over in his lane and still working on that makeup!

Well, as a man, this sight scared the salesman so badly that he dropped his electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of his other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using his knees on the steering wheel, the doughnut knocked the cell phone away from his ear, causing it to fall into the cup of coffee between his legs.  The following splash burns him in a sensitive spot, ruining his phone while disconnecting him from a very important call!

"Lousy women drivers!", the salesman thinks to himself.

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be able to focus on the few tasks that will really have an impact on your work day.   True sales professionals also know that if they are traveling by car they need to stay focused on the one thing that matters, their driving.   This will make sure that they don't have a major impact, enabling them to arrive safe and alive at their chosen destination.    Drive safe everyone and enjoy the holiday weekend.

"Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"                                              -       George Carlin

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 28) Licensed to Drill.

A saleswoman is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.  "It is not polite."

"Okay," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."  

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"  The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend,  "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.  It is like a report card.  It has everything on it!"

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are: you are 32!"

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is shocked now.  "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," her little daughter announces triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh, really?" the mother asks.  "Why?"

"Well," replies her little angel now whispering, "you got divorced from Daddy because you got an F in s-e-x."

Moral of the story.   Actually two morals to today's joke.   First, true sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales they need to 'control' the conversation through the power of their questioning.   They also realize that they have to pace their questions out and interact with their prospect.  Don't just 'drill' them with questions.   You do not want to turn a pleasant conversation into an uncomfortable interrogation.   Second, true sales professionals understand and leverage the power of public information records.   Knowledge is power when it comes to negotiations or dealing with difficult individuals.  Leave no stone unturned.

"If money is your hope for independence you will never have it.  The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability."    
                                                                                                                   -   Henry Ford

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 27) The Watergate Hotel.

A salesman has traveled to Washington DC to close a big deal.  He arrives a day early so he has time to practice his presentation the night before.   After booking into his room at the Watergate Hotel, paranoia overcomes him.   The competitive situation of the big deal he is working on, has him concerned.   He asks himself, "What if this room is still bugged?"

So he decides to do a comprehensive sweep of the room before he practices his presentation.  He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug.  Finally he says "Aha!"  Under the rug is a small disc with four screws.  He gets out his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws and throws them and the small disc out the window.   Now at ease, he settles down to practice his presentation.

The next morning as he was checking out at the front desk, the hotel manager asks the salesman,  "How was your room?  How was the service?  How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The salesman, who was in a bit of a rush to get to his appointment, replied, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager answered, "Well the couple in the room underneath yours complained that their chandelier fell on them last night."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to stay calm while traveling.   Feeling rushed, worried or even scared while traveling, or getting sick from bad food, can cause you to lose sleep, and lose focus on the task at hand.   You want to be at your best and brightest when in front of prospects and customers; so don't cheap out on your travel budget.   Stay at well known hotel chains where quality standards are maintained, and take the time to eat right when on the road.   Don't overdose on fast food or settle for a local greasy spoon because it's close and cheap.   The health and well-being of your commission check is nothing to skimp out on.

"There is a do-it-yourself test for paranoia:  you know you've got it when you can't think of anything that's your fault."   -  Robert M. Hutchins

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 26) The Team.

A sales manager drove his car into a ditch on a quiet country lane.  Fortunately a farmer passed by with a horse. 

"Could you pull my car out of the ditch?"  asked the sales manager.

"Buddy's a big strong horse," said the farmer.  "We'll see what we can do."

The farmer hitched Buddy up to the car and said:  "Pull, Bruiser, pull."  Buddy didn't move an inch.   Then the farmer said, "Pull, Troy, pull."  Buddy didn't  move an inch.  Then the farmer said, "Pull, Sampson, pull."  Buddy didn't move an inch.  Then the farmer said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."   And Buddy effortlessly pulled the car out of the ditch.   

The sales manager was grateful but mystified.  "Tell me, why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"

"Ah, well," said the farmer, "you see, Buddy is blind.   And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Moral of the story.   True professional sales managers know that in order be successful at sales within their region, they need to build and maintain a true sense of teamwork between the reps.   As a professional sales manager, gone are the days where you could just bark out orders at the beginning of a quarter and tally the results at the end of the quarter, yelling at the underachievers along the way.  In order to be successful, you must be like the farmer.  You must know the individual capabilities and work traits, strengths and weaknesses, of every member of your team.  You must provide them words of encouragement and positive reinforcement when assigning tasks that you already know are well within their reach.   Last and most important, you must always do whatever it takes to make each individual feel that they are a vital part of your team.  In today's working world, lone wolves do not survive very long on their own.

"Teamwork is so important, that it is virtually impossible for you to reach the heights of your capabilities or make the money you want without becoming extremely good at it."      
                                                                                                                        -  Brian Tracy

Monday, November 25, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 25) The Pints.

A young stockbroker was unwinding in a bar after a hard day's work.  He was in the mood for a bit of fun so he announced:  "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I'll give them 150 dollars."

The bartender lined up the 20 pints on the bar, but there were no immediate takers.  Without saying a word, one man got off his tool, popped out of the bar, came back a few minutes later and declared that he could drink all 20.  And to everyone's amazement he did.

The stockbroker handed over the money and asked the man where he had popped out to.

"Well," he said, " I first had to go over to the bar next door to make sure I could do it!"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to make sure they rehearse their performance before going live.   Role play is one way to accomplish this.   Role play allows the true sales professional an opportunity to sharpen their presentation, boost their close ratio and their confidence.

"A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood."     -    George S. Patton 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 24) Hiking.

A salesman came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a fancy new bike.

"Where did you get the money for that?" asked the salesman.  "That bike must have cost close to $500!"

"I earned it hiking," replied his son.

"Come on son, tell me truth.  Nobody gets that sort of money hiking.  Where did you really get the cash?"

"I'm not lying dad," said the salesman's son.  "Every night while you were away, Mr Smith the bank manager would come over to see Mom.  He'd give me $50 each time, and tell me to take a hike."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to stay in top shape.  By doing so, you'll be able to increase your endurance in order to work at peak productivity all day long.    Sports like hiking and biking can be enjoyed for very little money.  So there's no excuse for not getting that rubber hitting the road as soon as possible.

"Truth be told, I'm much more comfortable in a pair of hiking boots or with a rack of climbing gear than in front of a laptop."                                                            -    Mark Udall

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 23) The Wife's Birthday.

A salesman forgot to buy his wife her favorite flowers, anemones, on her birthday.  By the time he got to the florist's, all the shop had left were bits of greenery.  Nevertheless, the salesman decided to buy the foliage and was pleasantly surprised when his wife expressed her delight at the gift. 

"With fronds like these," she exclaimed, "who needs anemones."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to have a strong network of friends that you can rely on when times are tough and that you can party with when you have something to celebrate.   Fair weather friends are like leaves when you have a fall, they tend to blow away.   Rake them up and kick them to the curb.   Real friends are more like pine needles.   Always evergreen.

"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."   
                                                                                                        -   H.  Jackson Brown Jr.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 22) The Chair.

A salesman and his wife were out shopping.  

"Darling," said the salesman's wife,  "it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.  What can we buy her?  She hinted that she would like something electric."

"How about a chair?" sugested the salesman.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they have to look after their health.   Did you know that if you spend too much time just sitting in an office chair, it could result in DVT or deep vein thrombosis?

DVT can cause death via blood clots and stroke.     That's why true sales professionals take a brief walk once an hour to keep their blood flowing smoothly and their minds alert.   They know that just this little bit of activity will not only boost their productivty but will boost their overall health as well.

"The discontented man finds no easy chair."    -   Benjamin Franklin

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 21) Diamonds.

For weeks the salesman's wife had been hinting that she wanted something with plenty of diamonds for her birthday.   And the salesman had replied several times:   "Yes dear, diamonds.  Got it!"

That Saturday, with several of her friends and relatives over to celebrate her birthday, her special day, she was pleased to see that the gift from her husband was a small nicely wrapped box.   For the two hours before dinner, during dinner and through dessert, the salesman's wife confided to everyone but the salesman, that he had hinted to her that he was going to get her something with plenty of diamonds this year.

After dessert, the salesman's wife opened all the birthday presents from her friends and relatives.  She saved the gift from the salesman for last.  As she unwrapped her last present, her broad smile quickly turned to a bitter scowl.

The salesman had bought her a deck of playing cards.

From that moment on, the salesman would never forget it was no coincidence that each deck had 52 cards and each year had 52 weeks.   

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must plan their work and work their plan.  Failure to look forward 52 weeks and plan out what you are going to do each year to be successful is just asking for trouble.   Just 'shuffling' from day-to-day doesn't "suit" the demands of a competitive market place.  You won't be able to win any big 'deals' by 'cutting' corners when it comes to planning.   So decide today to join the 'club' of successful sales professionals who have the 'heart' that it takes to dig in with their 'spade' and just do the work required to succeed.   For it's only those who choose to dig in, really dig in, who will be lucky enough to strike 'diamonds.'

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."        -  Peter Marshall

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 20) The Know It All.

A salesman for a major software company on the West Coast was demonstrating the latest version of their search engine software at a trade show.  He was extremely proud of the fact that their search engine was voice activated, and would respond to any question asked of it in English.    The salesman boasted that their software would be able to answer any question it was asked.  He promised that it would come up with the correct answer.

While everyone else asked the computer questions about mathematical problems and the circumference of the earth, one smart know it all decided to show off by asking the software program:  "Where is my father?"

A few seconds later the Siri-like voice replied:  "Your father is working in a bar in Chicago."

"Ha!" crowed the know-it-all.  "This supposedly infallible search engine is wrong.  My father died over a decade ago.  He's dead!"

The salesman was anxious not to lose face over this, so he came up with a suggestion.  "Perhaps if we rephrased the question, the search engine would understand it better?"

So the know it all amended the question to:  "Where is my mother's husband?" and waited for the reply.

After a few seconds the Siri-like voice replied:  "Your mother's husband is dead.  But your father is still working in a bar in Chicago."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they have to be able to deal with all types of customers and prospects, including the dreaded know it all.   True professionals have learned that know it alls can turn a sure deal into a KIA.   So it's best to just pass these prospects on to a colleague who has time to waste, while you carry on finding real deals that can close.     What is KIA you ask?   No, it doesn't stand for know-it-all.   KIA stands for killed in action.

"The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing."    -   Socrates

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Throwing Pearls.

A policeman brought four salesmen before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Gentlemen," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of professional sales delinquency.  Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first salesman, "and I threw pearls into the pig pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second salesman, "and I threw pearls into the pig pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third salesman, "and I threw pearls into the pig pen."

"My name is Pearls," said the fourth salesman.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know to never throw pearls before swine.  In other words, never waste your time pitching those who do not have the capacity to buy.  Every moment you waste on someone who is not qualified to purchase your product or service, is a moment your competition has to pick off a qualified prospect in your territory.  So remember, concentrate on real decision makers.  Leave the low level tire kickers to your competition.

"The human race is intoxicated with narrow victories, for life is a string of them like pearls that hit the floor when the rope breaks, and roll away in perfection and anarchy."     
                                                                                                                   -      Mark Helprin

Sales Joke of the Day (November 19) Numbers.

A salesman's wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.  "Stay where you are," she said.  "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the salesman lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.  He turned to his wife and exclaimed:  Hey, there are six feet in this bed!  There should only be four!  What's going on?"

"Nonsense," replied his wife.  "You're so drunk you've miscounted.  Get out of bed and try again.  You can see better from over there."

The salesman climbed out of bed and counted.  "One two, three, four.  You're right you know."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be able correctly interpret what the numbers, on financial statements, are really saying.  They also know that at first glance, if the numbers don't seem to make any sense, approaching them from a different perspective can often make things appear more clearly.

"Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare."   -   Rene Descartes

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 18) Northern Exposure.

A salesman decided to take his wife up North for an early winter wilderness retreat.   When they arrived at the campsite, a Canadian national park ranger started things off with a speech.  Really it was meant to be a warning to the latest group of tourists about the danger posed by grizzly bears.  He said: "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears.  To avoid this, we advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing, like these, in order to warn the bears of their presence.  And always be on guard when you know bears are in the area, particularly if you bear droppings."

The salesman asked:  "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," replied the park ranger.  "They're the only ones with the tiny bells in them."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be hunting for new business, which means a lot of cold calling and ringing a lot of new numbers.   Sales professionals make sure that when they mass telemarket, they do so with a message of real value to a targeted set of prospects.   True sales professionals never just go around ringing for ringing sake.   True sales professionals realize that high random call volumes are no guarantee of generating increased or any revenue at all.   They know better than to poke the bear.

"The act of bell ringing is symbolic of all proselytizing religions.  It implies the pointless interference with the quiet of other people."                                                        -  Ezra Pound

(And now you know where the phrase, 'Pound'ing the phones comes from.)

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 17) Halftime Chat.

Two salesmen were keeping up their weekly tradition that they kept on Sunday afternoon during football season.  They would meet at their local sports bar to watch one of the one o'clock football games on the jumbo TV while they would enjoy a few beers and some chicken wings.   During the game they would be cheering for the various teams they had bet on that week, and by halftime, most weeks, they would both be two sheets to the wind.  This put them in the perfect state of mind,  drunken regret, to take part in their weekly halftime discussion about life and marriage.

The first salesman started in with, "Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's degree."

"And a woman gains her Masters!" added the second.

"You know sport, I've always admired how you never refer to your wife by her first name.  Instead you always use pet names like Sugar, Honey, Kitten or Sweetie.  I think that is so sweet, sweetie!   Using all those terms of endearment shows just how much you care about her," declared the first salesman.

"To tell you the truth," replied the second.  "I forgot her real name three years ago and have just been covering up ever since!"

As the football game was ready to get started again with the second half kick-off, the first salesman took another swig of beer and this time more quietly said, "My wife's an angel."

At that point the second salesman gestured a toast with his beer bottle to the first and exclaimed, "You're lucky - mine's still alive!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be able to unwind and relax on the weekend.   One great way to unwind is to get together and play an organized team sport like football, with friends and/or business associates.   If such a venue is not an option for you in your immediate area, exercising your right elbow and your freedom of speech at a local pub, while just watching a game of football, is a good alternative.

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."   -  Bo Bennett

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 16) The Hunt.

A salesman took his wife deer hunting for her first time.  He explained that the most important thing was to claim your kill immediately, before anyone else could.  After the instructions they each went off to their own hunting boxes and waited for deer.  Soon the salesman heard his wife's gun go off.  Keen to make sure she staked her claim to the kill, he rushed outside and found her involved in a bitter argument with another man.

"This is my kill," insisted the salesman's wife.  "I can prove I shot this animal!"

"Okay, lady," said the other man, realizing she wasn't going to back down.  "But do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you haul it away!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must know exactly what they are hunting.  Losing focus and taking aim at random targets won't help you bag your quota.

"Searching is half the fun: life is much more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party."                       -      Jimmy Buffett

Friday, November 15, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 15) The Librarian.

The librarian was fast asleep at three o'clock in the morning when the phone rang.   The salesman on the other end of the line asked:   "What time does the library open?"

"Nine o'clock." replied the librarian bleary-eyed."   "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine o'clock?" asked the salesman, disappointed.

"No, not until nine o'clock!" repeated the librarian angrily.  "Why do you want to get in before nine o'clock anyway?"

"I don't want to get in," replied the salesman.   "I want to get out!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales not only do they have to make a lot of calls; but the calls they make need to at the right time of the day and the call needs to be of value to the prospect.    If you consistently call at the wrong time of the day, asking the same old question like, "Are you ready to buy yet?"  the prospect will just consider you annoying rather than considering you for their business.   If you aren't adding any value to the situation, you'll never be able to get into the account; instead, you'll find yourself permanently locked out.

"Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers."
                                                                                                            -       Tony Robbins

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Creation.

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years."

You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog. You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog."  The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey."  The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years."  God granted his wish. 

Finally God created the salesman and said to him: “You will be a salesman, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."  The salesman responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted his wish. And since then, the salesman lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful they must  create their own destiny by asking a series of correct questions.  The ability to out negotiate one's superiors doesn't hurt either.

"A life lived of choice is a life of conscious action.  A life lived of chance is a life of unconscious creation."  -  Neale Donald Walsch

Sales Joke of the Day (November 14) The Headlines.

A salesman traveling down main street,  through a small town in Georgia, noticed a wild dog suddenly leap out and attack a small boy on the sidewalk.   Without thought for his own safety, the salesman instinctively dragged the dog off the boy before having to throttle it to death with his own bare hands.

The shocking incident was witnessed by a reporter on the local newspaper who went up and shook the hero by the hand.  The reporter told the salesman that the headline in this week's paper would be:  Brave Local Salesman Saves Child By Killing Vicious Beast.

"But I'm not from this town," replied the salesman.

"No problem," replied the reporter.  "The headline will be:  Georgia Salesman Saves Child By Killing Dog."

"As a matter of fact," revealed the salesman, "I'm not from Georgia at all!   I'm from upstate New York!"

The reporter glared at him.  "In which case sir, the headline will be:  "Yankee Salesman Slays Family Pet!"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they have to travel extensively and spend a lot of time away from home.  When on the road, true sales professionals know that in order to survive they need to blend in as much as possible.  Don't draw attention to yourself and never use rental car companies that put a big sticker of their logo on the back bumper of your rental vehicle.   They might as well just put a neon sign in the back window of your car saying:  "I'm from out of town on business.  I'm carrying a lot of cash, a computer and credit cards.   No one is going to miss me for a few days.   Rob me now!"

"People get up, they go to work, they have their lives, but you'll never see the headlines say, 'Six billion people got along rather well today.' You'll have the headline about the thirty people who shot each other."         -      John Malkovich 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Betrayal

A salesman is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asks the friend.

“My wife found out!” replied the salesman.  "And all she could say was, "How could you 'petraeus' us like that?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals have morals.  They understand that their personal life is an indicator of their professional life and "vice" versa.  True sales professionals know that you can't put a price on your own credibility and once it's sold, there are no refunds or exchanges.

"Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise, and trading on your integrity and not having dignity in life.  That's really when failure comes."        -     Tom Cochrane

Sales Joke of the Day (November 13) The Training Session.

The Human Resources trainer had just finished her lecture on mental health and was giving the sales team an oral test on the information they had learned that day.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A junior inside sales rep in the rear of the conference room raised his hand and answered, "a sales manager?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize that in order to succeed at sales their sales manager needs to be successful.   If your sales manager is wasting time battling you and your sales colleagues during the day, your sales manager is not able to spend his or her time on your behalf, cutting through administrative bureaucracy and forging more productive relationships with marketing. True sales professionals know that if they want to grow the size of their commission checks, they need to grow the most important relationship in their sales career; the relationship they  have with their immediate sales manager.

"An employee's motivation is a direct result of the sum of interactions with his or her manger."                                                                                              -    Bob Nelson

"Achieving the highest rate of return on human capital must be every manager's goal."                                                                                                                      -   Brian Tracy

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 12) Hospitality.

A smartly dressed salesman entered a plush Manhattan bar and took a seat.  The bartender came over and asked:  "What can I get you to drink sir?"

"Nothing, thank you," replied the salesman.  "I tried alcohol once but I didn't like it, and I haven't drunk it since."

The bartender was a little perplexed but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out some cigarettes from his pocket, flipped the top of the pack and offered one to the salesman.  But the salesman refused, saying:  "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and I have never smoked since.  Look, actually I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son."

To which the bartender said:  "Your only child I presume?"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, you need to be polite and accept others hospitality.  Never hold a meeting in an establishment without ordering something.  It's the courteous thing to do.   If you don't smoke or drink and someone offers you either, just say, "No thanks, but I appreciate your offer."   Or you could counter with, "No thanks, I was just about to order myself a coffee, could I order you one too?"  In this way you are less likely to offend anyone.   Remember, an offended prospect, rarely becomes a paying customer.

"My father was a guy who, because of the businesses he was in, - the hotel business, - the hospitality business - he didn't differentiate between the waiter serving you dinner, from the maitre d from the guy who owns a restaurant.  Everybody was the same to him.  He didn't look at who you were.  He didn't look at your wallet."     -     Steve Tisch

Monday, November 11, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 11) The Flat Screen TV

The salesman's wife was having an affair with the TV repair man.  She complained.  "My husband never pays any attention to me.  All he's ever bothered about is watching football on television.  That's why we bought the biggest set in the neighborhood.  It's practically life size!  Just so he can watch the game."

Just then the salesman's wife heard a key in the front door.  Her husband had arrived home unexpectedly.  She said to her lover:  "Quick, hide in behind the TV!"

So the TV repairman hid behind the TV while the husband sat down to watch the football game.  After ten minutes, it became so hot and uncomfortable behind the television that the lover stood up and walked straight past the salesman and out the front door.

The salesman turned to his long-suffering wife and said:  "Hey, honey, I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you catch what happened there?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to make the most of their spare time.   Catching a game live, with friends or business acquaintances, can be considered networking.   Sitting at home, by yourself, is doing nothing to advance your career.   Unless of course you aspire to become a career couch potato, or career-less couch potato, whichever comes first!

"When you're young you look at television and think, there's a conspiracy.  The networks have conspired to dumb us down.  But when you get a little older, you realize that's not true.  The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want."      
                                                                                                                     -   Steve Jobs

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 10) Bedtime.

An elderly salesman and his wife were lying in bed one night, preparing to fall asleep for the evening.  The salesman was starting to drift into slumber but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily the salesman reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep."

A few minutes later she said:  "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, the salesman reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said:  "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, the salesman threw back the bed sheets and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" his wife asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be alert and at your best each and every business day.   That means you need to get a good night's sleep BEFORE you can sink you teeth in to a full day at the office.

"One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed."  -  Bernard Baruch

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 9) The Taxi Driver.

The salesman's early morning flight had been delayed by weather.  So he was in a rush to get to his first meeting of the day, when he rushed from the airport and zipped into the closest cab he could find.    After giving the cab driver the address of his first meeting, the salesman relaxed a bit, leaned back, and opened his briefcase to go over his meeting's briefing notes one last time.

Wanting an audience to test out some of his presentation on, the salesman reached up to the driver's seat and tapped the cabbie on the shoulder.

The taxi cab driver screamed, lost control of his cab and nearly ran into a crowd of pedestrians.  "Don't ever do that to me again!   Ever!"   He yelled.

"I'm very sorry," said the salesman.  "But it was only a tap on the shoulder."

"That maybe so, but this is my first day as a cab driver!" replied the cabbie.   "Just last week I celebrated twenty years driving hearses."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to pay attention to modern social conventions.  They also need to respect their prospect's sense of personal space.  Tapping someone without warning on their shoulder, could make that individual defensive or abusive; potentially making it impossible for you to close your deal.

"The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere."     
                                                                                                                     -     Jimmy Fallon

Friday, November 08, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (November 8) Home Town Tough.

The meek little salesman appeared before the judge.   "In your own words," said the judge, "I want you to tell me exactly what happened."

The little salesman said:  "Your Honor, I'm a point of sale software salesperson, and I was simply researching trends in retail at the library yesterday.  There were two books I wanted to take out, so I got in line.  But when I reached the front desk, I was told that my library card had expired.  So I filled out the forms for another card, got in another line and waited patiently.  Then when I finally made it back to the front desk, this librarian with attitude, asked me whether or not I could prove I was from New York City.  So naturally, I stabbed him."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that if they want to succeed in sales they always have to up to date on trends within their chosen field.   One way to stay at the cutting edge of information in your industry is to book some time at your library on a regular basis.  If you haven't been to your local library in some time; check it out!  You're long over due.

"A library is not a luxury but one of the necessities of life."        -      Henry Ward Beecher

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Door-to-Door Sales.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly..

But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked each of them how they made out selling the bibles.

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

Paul, smiling said, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents..

"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

Curiously the reverend added "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know "f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it -to y-y-you?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that there will always be hurdles on the road to success.  Determination and persistence can overcome most obstacles.   Stay focused and don't let anyone else set limitations on your dreams.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.     -    Booker T. Washington