Monday, September 30, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Gratuity.

A sales manager decides to take his team out for lunch at a local restaurant.  In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill.

When the waitress presented the lunch bill to the sales manager she heard him bellow, "Gratuity?  Who ordered the gratuity?  I told you folks that we weren't going to order any dessert!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that when they take their clients or their colleagues out for lunch, they need to treat the wait staff well.   No one wants to appear cheap by cutting corners on the tip.   Besides, a lot of business professionals waited tables to put themselves through school and know what it means to work hard for their gratuities. 

"Most times we would make more money in the tip boxes - they called it - than we were getting paid."  -  Little Milton

Sales Joke of the Day (September 30) The Agreement.

After being married for forty years, the salesman takes a careful look at his wife and says, "Forty years ago, we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a ten-inch black and white TV.  But I got to sleep every night with a hot 23 year old girl.  Now I have a $500,000 home, a $35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large flat-screen TV.  But now I'm sleeping with a 63 year old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your end of the agreement."

The salesman's wife, being very reasonable, and very accustomed to the salesman's sense of humor replied, "Go ahead and find yourself another hot 23 year old girl, and I and my lawyer will make sure that you will once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a ten-inch black-and-white TV!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to develop and cultivate long term relationships.   Over the years, these relationships will continue to grow and prosper if based on trust and mutual benefit.   But remember, turning back the hands of time, or rewriting original contracts are not possible.  So make sure any new agreements you enter into will serve you well over the long haul.

"Don't make assumptions.  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."                                                                               -     Miguel Angel Ruiz

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 29) The Birthday Present

A few days before her birthday, the salesman asks his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"

"I really don't think I should say," responded his wife.

"How about a diamond ring?" asks the salesman.

"I don't care much for diamonds."

"Well, how about a mink coat?" asks the salesman.

"You know I don't like furs," his wife replies.

"A golden necklace?" asks the salesman.

"I already have three of them," replies his wife.

"Well, gosh, what do you want?"  asked the salesman.

His wife looks down at her feet before replying, "What I'd really like is a divorce."

"Hmmmm," says the salesman, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to master the art of questioning.  Especially open-ended questions.  Ask them at the wrong time and you may get more than you're bargaining for.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."  -  Buddha

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 28) Dearly Departed.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed salesman in his coffin right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he is in his brown suit.  She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit!  She'd bought it especially for this occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he died in.

She demands that her husband's corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd bought.  The undertaker says, "But madam!  It's only a minute until the funeral is scheduled to begin!  We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that short amount of time!"

The salesman's wife says, "Who's paying for this?"

The very peeved mortician wheels the coffin out, but then wheels it right back in a moment later.  Miraculously, the corpse is in a blue suit.  After the ceremony, the salesman's well-satisfied widow compliments the undertaker on his smooth and speedy service.  She especially wants to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast.

The funeral director immediately responded with,  "Oh, that was easy.  It just so happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit.  All we had to do was switch heads!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they need to keep their head on their shoulders at all times.    While some believe you need to dress to impress, what's on your shoulders is what really counts.  Always keep your customer top of mind.  Always think before you speak and always put your customer's needs before your own; or heads will roll.

"Live fast, die young and have a good-looking corpse."      -      Daniel Taradash

Friday, September 27, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 27) Visiting Aunty

It's late Friday afternoon and a salesman is visiting his aunt in the nursing home.  It turns out she is taking a nap, so he sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, his aunt wakes up, and the salesman realizes he has absentmindedly finished her entire bowl of peanuts!

"I'm sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" the salesman declares.

"That's okay dearie," his aunt replies.  "After I suck all the chocolate off, I don't really care for them anyway."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales they need to blaze their own trails.   Too often when starting a new sales job, the temptation is to immediately start going after the leads left behind by a predecessor.   Really?   If those leads were any good, wouldn't the old rep still be there?   Chances are the rep before you has already been through them and sold all the easy ones.   Calling those leads left behind would be like eating those peanuts after someone else has licked all the chocolate off.    Don't waste your time.

"A lazy person, whatever the talents, with which he set out, will have condemned himself to second-hand thoughts and to second-rate friends."        -     Cyril Connolly

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 26) What's In a Name?

A middle-aged salesman, the youngest of four children, goes to visit his aging mother in a retirement home.  His mother, a much older flower-child from the seventies, and in tune with her emotions, noticed that her son was puzzled with something.  "What's worrying you son?" she asked.

"Why is my brother named 'Mighty Storm?' " asked the middle-aged salesman.

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," his mother replied.

The salesman nodded knowingly before asking, "And my sister, named Cornflower?"

"Well son, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her," his mother replied.

The salesman then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"Well son, we were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived," the salesman's mother replied.

The salesman's mother paused and noticed that her son still looks puzzled so she says, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to be exacting when it comes to prospects' or customers' names.   For many, their name is their identity, so the origin, pronunciation and spelling of their name is very important to them.   Chances are, if you butcher a prospect's name, you've cut yourself off from doing any future business with that individual.  So if you are unsure about anything to do with names, don't guess.   Just ask!     Wanting to get someone's name correct shows that you care and indicates that you are professional.   Remember by showing some respect, you in turn will be respected.   

"A good character is the best tombstone.  Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.   Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."           -       Charles Spurgeon

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 25) It's Not About The Money

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass through the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," replied the butler.

"Yes," replied St. Peter.  "But you were a drunk all your life.  In fact you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry.    No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him, "Why do you deserve to pass through the Pearly Gates?"

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard all his life and had taken good care of his family.  But St. Peter also rejected him pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, with an uncontrollable urge to consume sweets, so much so that he had married a woman named Candy.

At this point, the third man, who had been a salesman, stood up and said, "Come on Penny let's get out of here!"

Moral of the story.   When all seems lost in a deal, sometimes it's best to just walk away.   You'll save a lot of time that could be best spent on other projects, or finding your next big deal.

"And, I believe that if a man dies with a single penny still sitting in the bank he is a fool."  
                                                                            -  Dan Aykroyd

Sales Joke of the Day (September 25) The Centurion

An old salesman was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Folks, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.  "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago.  On our wedding night we made a solemn pledge.  Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that physical fitness is a key component to enduring success.  After all, without your health, how are you going to be able to enjoy all that wealth you've worked so hard for?

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."      -     Jim Rohn

Sales Joke of the Day (September 23) Fishy Business.

A regular customer at the grocery store, marveled at the sales clerk's quick wit and intelligence.  "Tell me, young man,"  he asked, "What makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," answered the sales clerk, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn't hear, "but seeing as how you have been a loyal customer all these years, I'll tell you.  It's fish heads.  If you eat enough of them you'll be positively brilliant!"

"Do you sell them here?" asked the customer eagerly.

"Sure," said the sales clerk, "I can bring some to you form our cold storage area in the back.  They will be four dollars each."

"Great!"  said the customer.   "I'll take three."

A week later, the customer returned to the store to complain that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn't feeling any smarter.

"That's because you're not eating enough," said the sales clerk.

So the customer bought another twenty fish heads.

Two weeks later, the customer was back at the shop and this time he was very angry.  "Hey! You!" he barked at the sales clerk.   "You've been selling me fish heads for $4  a piece when I can buy a whole fish for $3!   You've been ripping me off!"

"See?"  replied the sales clerk.  "The fish heads must be working.   You're smarter already!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you must try to generate repeat business.   This is possible only if you treat customers fairly.   If you rip them off, they will start to smell something "fishy" and eventually they will find out  the truth.   Word of mouth will "school" the local marketplace to avoid your place of business altogether.   Or worse, the local "scales" of justice will see that you're "fin"ished for good.  So leave playing the angles to professional anglers, and always treat your customers with the utmost respect.

There's a "fine line" between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." 
                                                                                                                       - Steven Wright

Sales Joke of the Day (September 25) Fully Engaged.

The young salesman was very happy.  He and his girlfriend had been dating for over a year and they had decided to get married.   His parents were on board, his friends were all being supportive and his girlfriend?  She was an absolute dream.

There was only one thing bothering the young salesman.  His mother-in-law to be.  She was a career woman, very smart, but she was also very beautiful, sexy even.   The problem?   She would flirt with him, sometimes obviously, and it would make him feel quite uncomfortable.

One day, the mother-in-law to be, phones the young salesman and tells him to come over and check the invitations.   So the salesman drops what he is doing and drives right over.   When he gets there, his mother-in-law to be, invites him to sit beside her on the couch.   The invitations are sitting there on the coffee table in front of her.  Without thinking, the young man takes a seat next to her on the couch and begins to examine the invitations.  They appear to be just fine.   That's when it dawns on the young salesman that the two of them are alone.

His mother-mother-law to be, takes the opportunity to move closer to him on the couch and whispers in his ear, "Soon you'll be married to my daughter, but I have feelings and desires for you that I can't overcome.  So before you get married and commit your life to my daughter, I want to get to know you much better, just once."

The young salesman is in total shock.  He can't seem to say a word. 

Then his mother-in-law to be says in a very sultry voice, "I'll go to the bedroom upstairs, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."  The young salesman watches her every curve as she ascends the stairs.

The young salesman just stands there for a moment to collect his wits, before turning around and heading straight out the front door.   His father-in-law to be is standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugs the young salesman and says, "We are happy and pleased.  You have passed our little test.  We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must always act with the utmost integrity.  From time to time in every career there will always be tests of character and temptations to do wrong.   But no matter what, always remember to keep your condoms in the car.

"Values are principles and ideas that bring meaning to life to the seemingly mundane experience of life.  A meaningful life that ultimately brings happiness and pride requires you to respond to temptations as well as to challenges with honor, dignity, and courage."                                              -     Laura Schlessinger

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 24) Bad Luck.

The salesman had a real zest for life, but he was beset by bad luck.  He loved poker, but poker did not love him.  He played the stock market, but always sold at the wrong time.  He invested heavily in property, just before the market crashed.  His first three wives all left him for close friends of his.

The one constant in his life was golf.  He wasn't much of a player.  Only occasionally did the salesman break 100.  But come rain or shine he was out there every weekend.  Then one day, he became very ill and died.  In accordance with his wishes, he was cremated and his ashes were to be scattered just off the fairway on the fifteenth hole of his local course.

A small gathering of friends turned up at the fifteenth to witness the ceremony.  It was a beautiful, sunny day but then just as the ashes were being strewn, a sudden gust of wind sprang up and blew the salesman's ashes out of bounds.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to stay focused at all times.  You need to have plans and goals that you can work towards and achieve.   If you just sit back and let the wind take you where ever it pleases, you'll never end up in the green.

"Placing the ball in the best position for the next shot is eighty per cent of winning golf."
                                                                                                                - Ben Hogan

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 22) Getting Hosed.

Passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, the salesman thought he would pay him a surprise visit.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door and waited for an answer.  Eventually a sleepy voice opened a second-floor window and called down:  "What do you want?"

"Does Jack Smith live here?" asked the salesman.

"Yeah," replied the voice from the second-floor window.  "Dump him on the front porch and we'll hose him off again in the morning like usual."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, they must have a solid reputation.   Everyone earns a degree when they graduate college.   But those are just words on a piece of paper.   One's reputation is built up over time, by one's actions and one's network.   Good networking is not simply a question of growing one's network, it also involves severing any relations with those who intentionally go out of their way to cause you harm or sully your reputation.

"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company."                                     -          George Washington

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 21) Puzzles.

A salesman receives an urgent call from his girlfriend, "Please come over, I need help urgently!  I bought a jigsaw puzzle and I can't even start it.

The salesman asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"

The salesman's girlfriend replies,  "According to the picture on the box, it's a big chicken."

The salesman hurries to his girlfriend's place to find the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment and then looks at the box.  Turning to his girlfriend, he says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything that resembles a chicken."

The salesman takes his girlfriend by the hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax.  Let's have a cup of coffee and then," he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, sometimes you need to hand hold prospects.   You need to help them solve their current problems that they find puzzling.   At other times, you just need to put those flakes back in the box.   Knowing how to tell the difference between the two quickly, will give you a competitive edge.

"There are no extra pieces in the universe.  Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle."      -     Deepak Chopra

Friday, September 20, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 20) Beer Money.

The salesman is down on his luck.   Sales haven't been coming in and neither have the commission checks.  So he does what any self-respecting salesman does in these situations; he goes to the bar to discuss his sorrows with his buds, over a cold ones.   Buds squared for some folks.

After a couple of cold ones, the salesman says to his beer buddy, "My wife tells me we can't afford beer anymore so I have to give it up."

His pal replies, "Sorry to hear that man.  Hey, don't worry about tonight.  These are on me."

The salesman responds with, "Thanks man, it's appreciated but I got it covered.  Besides, a day later I catch my old lady spending $100 on makeup.  So I ask her, how come I have to give up stuff but she doesn't."

"That's telling her."

"Then she says she needs the makeup to look pretty for me," exclaimed the salesman.

"I've seen your wife, she's got a point," chuckled his pal.

"Yeah, true," says the salesman.  "But then I told her that's what the beer was for."

"She's not coming back is she?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to stay focused on the task at hand.   In tough times, you need to stay close to your immediate family for encouragement and support.   The last thing you need to do is drown your sorrows in beer.   That will only serve to dampen your "spirits."  And the last person people want to hang out with is a "winer."

"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder."    -   Kinky Friedman

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 19) The Bar Guy.

A insurance salesman walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State Building and sits next to a guy who starts up a conversation with him just two gulps into his beer.   "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you reach the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back in through the window."  The bartender shakes his head in disapproval as he wipes the bar.

The insurance salesman says, as he wipes some suds from his chin, "What are you a nut?  There is no way in h-e-c-k that could happen."

The guy next to him say, "No!  It's true!  Let me prove it to you."   So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens toward the street below.  But when he passes the 10th floor, a high wind whips him around the building and back in through the 10th floor window.  He takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The insurance salesman says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a fluke."  

The guy next to him at the bar says, "No fluke, I'll prove it again."   And again he jumps off the balcony and hurtles towards the street, where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and in through the window.  Once upstairs, he urges the insurance salesman to try it.

The insurance salesman, staring into the golden elixir before him, finally gathers enough courage to say, "Sure, what the h-e-c-k!  It works, so I'll try it!   So he jumps off the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 10th floor at full speed and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the guy and says, "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you must master the concept of risk versus reward.   If there is little reward in it for you, don't risk your time, your resources or your well-being.   Second, if you find yourself in a bar and you've been drinking, don't believe anything you see or hear.   Especially if someone tells you to jump off a table, a building or a bridge. Last, even though as sales professionals, others often expect you to do the impossible, you must remember that no one is Superman.  So set your personal expectations of what you can accomplish at a more human level.

"You can't relate to a superhero, to a Superman, but you can identify with a real man who in times of crisis draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs but only after a struggle."      -    Timothy Dalton

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 18) The Match.

A salesman and his wife were at the second half of a double-header baseball game.   Through the darkness, they spotted a pair of young lovers caressing each other passionately.

"I don't know whether to watch them or watch the game!" remarked the salesman.

"Watch them," advised his wife.  "You already know how to play baseball."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales, sometimes it pays to watch the other guy.   If one rep on your team keeps closing deals while every one else just seems to be sitting there in the dark; observe him or her closely to see how they are doing it.   Constant observation and adaptation will always keep your sales game lit up.

"Baseball is a lot like life.  It's a day-to-day existence, full of ups and downs.  You make the most of your opportunities in baseball as you do in life."   -     Ernie Harwell

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 17) Negotiations.

A salesman and his had just settled down to sleep an hour before.  It was a tough day at work for the salesman.

Wife:     Oh, come on.

Salesman:     Leave me alone!

Wife:     It won't take long.

Salesman:     I won't be able to sleep afterward.

Wife:     I can't sleep without it.

Salesman:     Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife:     Because I'm hot!

Salesman:     You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife:     If you loved me, I wouldn't have to beg you.

Salesman:     If you loved me, you would be more considerate.

Wife:     You don't love me anymore.

Salesman:    Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife:     (Sob-Sob)

Salesman:     All right.  I'll do it.

Wife:     What's the matter?  Need a flashlight?

Salesman:     I can't find it.

Wife:     For goodness sake!   Feel for it!

Salesman:     There!   Are you satisfied?

Wife:     Oh, yes, honey.

Salesman:     Is it down far enough?

Wife:     Oh, that's fine.

Salesman:     Now go to sleep.  The next time it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales you need to do well with negotiations.  In any negotiation two parties start out with different needs and different expectations.   But with persistent concessions and enough compromises from all parties involved, forward progress continues and the relationship stays intact.   Remember, making assumptions too early into "Negotiations" can only lead to wrong conclusions and lengthen the process.

"Let us move from the era of confrontation to the era of negotiation."      -     Richard Nixon

"No."      -    Pat Nixon

Monday, September 16, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Rescue

A rescue team finds a crashed airplane.  The lone survivor, a salesman, is chewing on bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him.  The rescuers are shocked.

The salesman says, "You can't judge me for this!  I had to survive!"

The leader of the rescue team says, "Come on man!  Your plane only went down yesterday.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that what drives them to succeed that never ending hunger to succeed.  Remember to be successful at sales you need to be an apex predator.  It's competitive in sales, like never before.   It's not "Hunger Games."  It's eat or be eaten!

"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way."   -  Les Brown

Sales Joke of the Day (September 16) The Prank.

The salesman had always been the office prankster.  As each of his co-workers were married, the salesman made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them.  Now, ready to be married himself, the salesman is dreading the payback he knows is coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony goes off without a hitch.  No one stands up during the pause to offer a reason "why this couple should not be married."  His reception isn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple is to take on their honeymoon is in perfect working order.

When the couple arrives at their hotel and enters the room, the salesman even checks for cornflakes in the bed, a gag he always loved, but finds nothing.  Satisfied that he has come away unscathed, the couple falls into bed and puts their attention into consummating their union.

Upon waking after an active night, the newlywed couple is starved so the salesman calls down to room service and asks, "Can I get a breakfast for two?"   Before he is able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed says,

"Better make that five."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be putting in a full day's work every day.    And in any given week you "better make that five."

"Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."    -    H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 15) Long and Flowing.

The salesman's philandering wife was constantly going about town in the skimpiest of outfits, and he had had enough.   Deciding he'd like to see her in something long and flowing, he pushed her in the Mississippi River.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, their communication with customers and prospects needs to be clear and concise.  Every word must have impact.    If your communications with customers and prospects are long and flowing, or meandering; then you are all wet.

"Clarity affords focus."     -   Thomas Leonard

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 14) A Long Life.

A salesman goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a very long life.  What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.  "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh...about a half a pick a day," replied the salesman.

"Well, starting now, no more smoking."

The salesman agrees.  The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water.  No exceptions!" exclaimed the doctor.

The salesman is starting to get a little upset, but reluctantly agrees.  The doctor then asks, "What do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet.  You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The salesman is now really worried.  "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live a long life?"

"Yes," replies the salesman.

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary.  And don't even think of breaking the diet."  The salesman is getting quite restless, but the doctor continues.   "Do you have s-e-x regularly?"

"Yeah," replies the salesman nervously.  "About once a week or so, only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here, you are going to buy twin beds.  No more sex for you.  None."

The salesman is appalled.  "Doc, are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea," replied the doctor.   "But however long you live, I assure you it's going to seem like an eternity."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales they need to be able to perform at their peak, which means living a healthy lifestyle.   True sales professionals also know that you can't stay tightly wound all the time and still perform optimally over the long haul.   Everyone needs some time to unwind.   And that's what weekends are for!   So enjoy the weekend folks!  Unwind a lot!   And remember, Monday is less than 48 hours away!  

"Monotony collapses time; novelty unfolds it.  You can exercise daily and eat healthily and live a long life, while experiencing a short one.  If you spend your life sitting in a cubicle, and passing papers, one day is bound to blend unmemorably into the next -  and disappear."                                             -    Joshua Foer

Friday, September 13, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 13) Never Assume Anything.

A very elderly retired salesman and his wife are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.  The old salesman leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.  It has always bothered me that our tenth child has always been so sickly looking.   He never quite looked like the rest of our healthier children.  Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away.  But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The salesman's wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.  She pauses for a moment and confesses.  "Yes.  Yes he did."

The old salesman is very shaken.   The reality of what his wife is admitting hits him harder than he had expected.  With a tear in his eye he asks,  "Who?   Who was he?  Who was the father of our tenth child?"

Again the salesman's wife drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to the salesman.  Then, finally, she says, "You."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they can never afford to assume anything.   True sales professionals never assume that their customers are happy, they never assume that their customers are buying as much as they can from them, and they never assume that their customers are not buying from their competitors.   True sales professionals are always asking questions.  Perpetually curious, they understand that only by asking precise questions, often enough, will they be reassured.

"Assumptions are the termites of relationships."       -     Henry Winkler

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 12) Pitching Tents.

The salesman's loaded minivan pulls into the only remaining campsite.  His four children leap from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading the gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rush to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marvels to the salesman, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The salesman replies, "Ah it's nothing really.   I just have a system.   It's a four hour drive up here and no one gets to go to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to master the art of controlling the access to key resources.   Any time you can control others access to scarce commodities, key technical resources, or essential services like washroom facilities, you can motivate others to follow your orders or place orders with you, whichever suits your fancy, or whichever allows you to buy more fancy suits.

"In order to be a great marketer, you have to be focused and intense and look at scarcity, urgency, activity and passion in the marketplace."                      -         Dave Ramsey

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Observation

A salesman comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside his home.  He walks in the front door to find his wife on the floor of the living room, naked.  His wife then yells, "Help!  Help!  I'm having a heart attack!"

The salesman runs into the kitchen to call 9-1-1 when of his kids runs up to him and says, "Daddy!  Daddy!  There is a naked man in the closet upstairs!"  

The salesman runs upstairs, opens the closet door and sees his best friend Bob.   "Bob!   What the heck do you think you're doing?  My wife is having a heart attack and you're up here clowning around trying to scare the kids!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that often their success depends upon their keen sense of observation.  They must be acutely aware of the smallest telltale signs of what is really going on around them.  Failure to do so, could mean that they miss the obvious signs of trouble at a prospect's location, or perhaps allow a competitor to swoop in and establish a close relationship with one of their closest clients, right under their very nose.

"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."      -      Will Rogers

Sales Joke of the Day (September 11) Wishing Well.

On their twentieth wedding anniversary a salesman and his wife took a trip to Europe.  While driving through the Black Forest, they came upon a sign that said, "Wishing Well - next left."

Though dubious, the salesman and his wife took the next left and pulled over beside an old stone well.  Getting out, the salesman read the instructions and, leaning over the well, threw a penny and made a wish.   Then his wife did likewise.  However , when she leaned over she lost her balance, tumbled in and drowned.

Stepping back, the salesman cheered, "Hey, this thing really works!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize that in order to succeed at sales you need to be able to lead your prospects to water if you want them to take a drink.   However, unlike jokes or fairy tales, well, wishing alone won't get the job done.   In reality, a well-timed nudge is often needed.

"Work will win when wishy washy wishing won't."      -   Thomas S. Monson

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 10) Camping.

Camping by the Colorado River, a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming, "No!  No!  No!"   Spotting another woman down the shore, she ran over.

"Say" she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that man?  He seems to be in distress."

The other woman looked up, her expression placid.  "You mean him?   He's just my husband.  He's a salesman, and he's just fine."

"If he's fine, then why is he rowing down the river screaming 'no'?"

The salesman's wife smiled.   "He's just letting off a little steam on the weekend.   During the week, he's nothing but a corporate 'yes' man."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to have a way to release work-related stress that builds up during the week.    No one can paddle upstream forever, without a release from stress.   Such prolonged pressure could cause you to spring a leak, which could capsize your career.   So say 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' to the weekend!  Relax and unwind so you can get ready for all those 'nos' you'll start hearing again on Monday.

"You don't paddle against the current, you paddle with it.  And if you get good at it, you throw away the oars."  -  Kris Kristofferson

Monday, September 09, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 9) The Cab Ride.

After hailing a cab, the young salesman boasted to the driver, "Yes sir, it's going to be a great night tonight!   I met Jacqueline at the health club and she invited me up to her apartment.  She lives with her folks, but she said they'll be going to the ballet as soon as her dad gets home from work.  After that, we'll have the apartment all to ourselves and I intend to party!"

Arriving at the apartment building and hurrying upstairs, the young salesman sat chatting with his date in the den while they waited for her father to come home and her parents to leave.
Not long thereafter, the girl's parents entered the room.  "Well," said Jacqueline's mother, we'll be leaving now."

"Say," said the young salesman.  "I have a good idea.  Why don't we go with you to the ballet?"

"Why how nice!"  said Jacqueline's mother.  "I'm sure we'll be able to buy two extra tickets."

As the young salesman helped the disappointed Jacqueline on with her coat, she asked, "Why didn't you tell me you like the ballet?"

"Never mind that," replied the young salesman.  "Why didn't you tell me your old man drives a cab?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, discretion is called for.   True sales professionals know better than to ever talk about a deal to outsiders before it closes.   Because you just never know who is listening.   They remember the phrase, 'Loose lips, sink ships' and sales professionals never want to responsible for sinking their own deals.

"Judgment is not upon all occasions required, but discretion always is."       -    Philip Stanhope

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 8) The Dog.

It was the first NFL Sunday of the year.  The salesman walked into the bar with his collie Bronco.  Ordering a beer while Bronco sat at his feet, the salesman said to the bartender.  "Say, I'll bet you five dollars that my dog can talk."

Glancing down at the collie, the bartender pulled a five-dollar bill from his pocket and slapped it on the counter.  "You're on!"

Turning to the dog, the salesman asked, "What's another way of saying fifty percent?"

Bronco replied, "Arf!"

Scratching his head, the bartender pulled another five-dollar bill from his pocket and lay it on the table.  "Five bucks more says he can't answer another question."

Accepting the challenge, the salesman turns to Bronco and asks, "What's the opposite of on?"

Bronco replied, "Arf!"

Catching on, the bartender said, "Okay, wise guy.  Fifty bucks say he can't do it again, only this time I get to ask the question.  Before the salesman could reply, the bartender had taken the money from his cash register and bent over to address the dog.

"Who's the greatest quarterback that ever played in the NFL?" asked the bartender.

Bronco replied, "Manning?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales it often pays to know your sports.  Especially football.  Remember each week, if you're inclined to the occasional friendly wager, to never pick dogs and never ever bet against Manning.

"If nothing else in life, I want to be true to the things I believe in, and quite simply, to what I'm all about.  I know I'd better, because it seems whenever I take a false step or two I feel the consequences."      -   Peyton Manning

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 7) Bring Your Kid to Work Day.

After spending the day with the salesman at his office, little Carla asked her father over dinner, "Daddy, when you office door was closed, I was looking through the keyhole.  Why did you call your administrative assistant a doll?"

Under his wife's stormy gaze the salesman quickly replied, "Uh, well, Carla, umm, it's just an expression.  It's because I enjoy having her around.  Uh, she works the word processor like a pro, is disarming when she answers the telephone, is never late, and umm, always eats her lunch at her desk."

"Oh," said the salesman's daughter Carla, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her down on the couch."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you have to be credible.   Hesitant speech and the use of verbal crutches like uh, umm, and eh, will undermine your credibility, cause people to doubt you and will end up costing you sales.

"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."    -    Fredrich Nietzsche

Friday, September 06, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (September 6) Flatulence

Each and every time he broke wind, the word "Honda" would flutter from the salesman's behind.  Going to doctor, the salesman demonstrated this unusual phenomenon, which, much to his surprise, didn't phase the doctor in the least.
Going round to the salesman's mouth, the physician found an abscessed tooth, which he promptly pulled.  At once the salesman's problem was solved.
"That's amazing!"  said the salesman.  "But tell me, how did you know what to do?"
"Simple," answered the doctor.  "Everyone knows that abscess makes the "f-a-r-t"  go 'Honda."
Moral of the Story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful, oral health is extremely important.  Cavities, abscesses, plaque buildup, and halitosis can lead to slurred speech, awkward communication or lost sales.   When meeting new prospects you want to be putting your best foot forward and not into your mouth.   So remember to brush your teeth at least twice a day and see your dentist at least twice a year.
"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles."   -    George Eliot