Thursday, October 31, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 31) Trick or Treat

The salesman had to get home early that night to take his five year old son Joey, out trick or treating.   Traffic that night, leaving downtown Tampa Bay, was moving really slow, and as a result the salesman got home from work an hour later that usual.  

"What took you so long?   Joey has been waiting there in his costume for over an hour!" the salesman's wife continued to nag him all the while the salesman changed his clothes, collected Joey, his costume, the garbage bag for his candy and a flashlight before heading out the door to go trick or treating.

Inheriting the sour disposition from his mother that evening, Joey was in quite the mood and kept scowling at the salesman with that eerily familiar stare.   Dressed as a pirate, Joey walked up the stairs to their next door neighbor's house, insisting that his father stay back on the sidewalk.
When Joey rang the doorbell, Mrs. Bonnelli handed him a full-sized chocolate bar, not one of those those Halloween bite-me sized bars.   She looked around with mock terror and said:  "Tell me Captain Joey, where are all your buccaneers?"

"Under my buckin' hat," little Joey replied.

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales they need to maintain a positive attitude.   If you're having a bad day at work, and as a result you develop a bad attitude and proceed to share it with your prospects the rest of the day; you won't be closing much business that afternoon.  Any dark moods you're thinking about having should be saved for Halloween.

"A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.  It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary outcomes."                                  -       Wade Boggs

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Statues.

There is a city park just on the outskirts of the Moscow International Business Center.  Nearly 20 years ago, when communism fell, several statues were erected in the park honoring professions within Business and Industry.    Midway down the main square, about 250 yards apart stand two statues facing one another.  One is of a Russian saleswoman that directly faces across the courtyard a Russian salesman.  For twenty years these two statues have faced one another.  Neither has moved.  Neither has taken their glance off the other.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment and education to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish.  I hereby give you the gift of life!  You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."   And with that the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.  The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes satisfied and smiling.  Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes.  Would you like to continue?"

The salesman statue looked at the saleswoman statue and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling the saleswoman statue said,  "Sure.  But this time YOU hold down the pigeon while I p-o-o-p on its head!"

Moral of the story.  As sales professionals we must always remember never to "JUMP" to any conclusions until all the facts are revealed.  Yes there are no doubt patterns and trends that emerge in any industry, but we must never assume anything until we have uncovered all of our prospects' needs with probing questions.

"You accept the that sometimes you are the pigeon and sometimes you are the statue."   
                                                                                                                  -   Claude Chabrol 

Sales Joke of the Day (October 30) The Honey Do List.

A salesman and his new wife just moved into their new home.   One day, the salesman comes home from work and his new wife says, "Honey, you know in the upstairs bathroom, one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The salesman just looks at his wife and says, "Who do I look like, Mr Plumber?"

A few days go by, and as the salesman comes home from work his wife again asks him for a favor, "Honey, my car won't start.  I think it needs a new battery.  Could you change it for me?"

"Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"  was the salesman's response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and one day it's raining pretty hard.  The salesman's wife finds a leak in the roof.  She pleads with him as he walks through the door.  "Honey, there's a leak in the roof!  Can you please fix it?"

The salesman just looks at his wife and says, "Who do I look like, Bob Vila?" as he sits down with a beer and watches a game on TV.

The next weekend, the salesman wakes up and it's raining pretty hard, but the leak in the roof is gone!  Speaking of leaks, he also goes to take a shower and finds that the pipe behind the sink isn't leaking anymore!

The salesman's wife is coming home just then, and as she walks through the door, the salesman asks, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

His wife replies nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon.  What a nice man.  He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow!  Did he charge us anything?" asked the salesman.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him," replied the salesman's wife.

"Cool.  What kind of cake did you make?" asks the salesman.

"Cake?   Do I look like Betty Crocker to YOU????"  exclaimed his wife.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales, they must keep their home life in order.   Simple things like regular home maintenance, if left to accumulate, can become a major distraction and create an opening for your competition.   Just like at work, keep an active to do list up to date for those tasks you need to complete around your home.   A happy home front allows you to stay more focused at work and without doubt,  more focus leads to larger commission checks.

"If you want to gather the honey, don't kick over the hive."     -    Dale Carnegie

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 29) The Hitchhiker.

A saleswoman is driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she sees an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.   As the trip is a long and quiet one, and the elderly Navajo woman is carrying a large package, the saleswoman stops her car and asks the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a word or two of thanks, the saleswoman puts the large package into the trunk , and the elderly Navajo woman gets into the passenger seat.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman notice a brown bag on the back seat behind the saleswoman. 

"What's in the bag?" asks the old woman.

Sally glances back at the brown bag and says, "It's a bottle of wine.  Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a moment, and then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, says, "Good trade."

Moral of the Story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to know how to deal.  You need to remember the difference between value, price and cost.   During any transaction if the customer can lower their costs or if they can get rid of a major problem as a result of the deal, the value they are willing to pay for your product or service goes up.   Rarely is such value "feature" based, but rather, it's benefit driven.

"I believe you are your work.  Don't trade the stuff of your life, time, for nothing more than dollars.  That's a rotten bargain."                               -      Rita Mae Brown

Note: this picture honors Katherine Smith.  Navajo elder and activist, on the reservation near Big Mountain, Arizona. She was still protesting in 2010 at age 95.  One of those folks you'd like to have the pleasure to meet and get the opportunity to ask a few questions.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 28) Pitch and Yaw.

A young saleswoman in New York, was so depressed at her sales results from the third quarter that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.   She goes down to the docks and is about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor sees her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He takes pity on her and says, "Look, you have so much to live for.  I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."  Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, "If I keep you happy, will you keep me happy?"

The young saleswoman nods yes.  After all, what does she have to lose?  Perhaps a fresh start in Europe will give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brings her aboard and hides her in a lifeboat.  Every night from then on, he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.  She can't believe how lucky she is to be on such a romantic journey!

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she is discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the young saleswoman explains.  "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he gets to, uhmmm, take advantage of me during the voyage."

"Taking advantage of you, is he?" the captain asks in a Monty Python, nudge nudge wink wink say no more, fashion.  "I say he is taking advantage of you indeed!   Congratulations Miss, you're aboard the Staten Island Ferry."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you have to be able to deliver a great pitch.  However, those great at making pitches seem much more vulnerable to succumbing to great pitches themselves often find themselves being scammed.  Remember, the next time you hear a great PITCH, rather than react with emotion, it's best just to YAWn.

"Only the brave know how to forgive; it is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at."  -  Laurence Sterne

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 27) The Expressway.

The salesman's car broke down on the expressway.  So he pulled over to the shoulder of the road and jumped out of his vehicle.  After that he opened the trunk and pulled out two men in trench coats.  The men stood behind the salesman's car, opened up their coats and began exposing themselves to oncoming traffic.  The result was a terrible pileup.

A police officer arrived on the scene and surveyed the carnage.  He raged at the salesman: "Why on earth did you put these two perverts at the side of the road?"

The salesman explained:  "I broke down, and I was just using my emergency flashers."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must always dress professionally but never to the point of being too flashy.   You want prospects paying attention to what you have to say, rather than being distracted by what you wear.   In other words, pay attention to your 'expressed way.'

"It is the flash which appears, the thunderbolt will follow."     -    Voltaire

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 26) The Spider.

A salesman was sitting in a bar one Monday lunchtime, fascinated by the movements of a spider.  He watched intently as the spider came out of the kitchen, climbed up the wall, walked across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, coming to rest on the radiator pipe.

It was the same story on Tuesday at lunch.  The spider came out of the kitchen, climbed up the wall, walked across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, coming to rest on the radiator pipe.  

By Wednesday, the salesman was so intrigued about the spider that he shared his enthusiasm with one of his co-workers.  "You watch," said the salesman, "any minute now a spider will out of the kitchen, climb up the wall, walk across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, and will come to rest on the radiator pipe."

Sure enough, within minutes, the spider came out of the kitchen, climbed up the wall, walked across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, coming to rest on the radiator pipe.

"That's amazing," said the salesman's co-worker.

On Thursday at lunch, the salesman was in position ready for his daily entertainment, but this time the spider came from the bathroom and did the whole trip in reverse order.  It climbed over the radiator pipe, up the wall, walked across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall.

The salesman was mystified by this change in routine and waited to see what would happen on Friday.  At exactly the same time as usual the spider came out of the kitchen, climbed up the wall, walked across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, coming to rest on the radiator pipe.

The salesman scratched his head.  "Tell me bartender," he said, "on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and today, I have watched a spider come out of the kitchen, climb up the wall, walk across the ceiling, round the chandelier and back down the opposite wall, coming to rest on the radiator pipe.  But yesterday it came from the bathroom and made the whole trip in reverse.  Why was that?"

"Well," said the bartender.  "The kitchen window was closed."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales you need to be minding your own business.  You can't get bugged out by paying any attention to what others are doing or you will lose focus of what your own goals are.  

"The creative individual has the capacity to free himself from the web of social pressures in which the rest of us are caught.  He is capable of questioning the assumptions that the rest of us accept."     -     John W. Gardner

Friday, October 25, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 25) The New Golfing Buddy.

A new guy in town, visited the golf club and was paired up with the salesman, one of the members.  Playing left-handed, the new guy shot a round of two under par.  The salesman thought this was a remarkable score for a strange course and immediately saw the potential for making bets.  So he asked the new guy whether he was available to play at ten o'clock the following morning.

"Sure," replied the new guy, "but I may be two minutes late."

The next day the new guy turned up at ten o'clock sharp, and this time playing right-handed, he helped the salesman to victory over another pair and the two-hundred dollars which was riding on the result.  The salesman was amazed at the new guy's ambidextrous play and asked him whether he was available for another match, at eleven the following morning.

"Certainly," responded the new guy,  "but I may be two minutes late."

The next day the new guy arrived at eleven o'clock sharp and, reverting to playing left-handed, helped the salesman to another win and another two-hundred dollars.  As they celebrated in the bar afterwards, the salesman asked, "I notice you are equally good playing left- and right- handed.  How do you decide which to play?"

"It's simple," replied the new guy.  "If my wife is sleeping on her left side when I wake up in the morning, I play left--handed.  If she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"What if she is sleeping on her back?" asked the salesman.

"Well," said the new guy.  "That's when I'm two minutes late.

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be punctual.  Failure to show up on time will leave a bad impression on customers and prospects and could cost you business.   If there is a chance you may  be delayed for some reason or another, budget the time for the contingency and leave that many minutes sooner.  No one will ever mind if you arrive at your destination a few minutes early.

"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays at golf - it's almost a law."    -   H. G.  Wells

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 24) Unusual Talents.

During a job interview, the sales manager asked a female applicant whether she had any unusual talents.  

"Yes," the saleswoman responded.  "I have won several prizes for designing crossword puzzles and writing winning contest-winning slogans."

"That's all well and good," replied the sales manager.  "But we want someone who can be smart and successful during business hours."

"Oh," replied the saleswoman, "that was during business hours."

Moral of the story.     True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at business you need to make the most of your prime time hours when you're in the office.   Don't let your hobbies, special interests, or one might even argue paperwork, chew up your best time to contact prospects and customers.

"True happiness involves the full use of one's power and talents."   -   John W. Gardner

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 23) And That's When The Fight Started.

During the week, life for a salesman can be tough off the job too.   Here’s just a few vignettes from a week in the life of a typical salesman.


That evening the salesman and his wife were watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ while they were in bed before drifting off to sleep.  The salesman turned to his wife and asked, “Do you want to fool around?”

“No,” she responded.

The salesman then asked, “Is that your final answer?”

Without taking her eyes off the TV, the salesman’s wife responded, “Yes.”

“Well,”  responded the salesman.   “If that’s the case, I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started.


The salesman and his wife both had a hard day at work, so the salesman decided to take his wife out to a nice restaurant for a change of pace.  The waiter for some reason took the salesman’s order first.

“I’ll have a sixteen ounce New York cut steak, very rare please,” stated the salesman.

The waiter replied in slightly broken English, “Aren’t you afraid of the mad cow?”

The salesman was so tired, his talking filter must have disengaged, when he replied, “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started.


The salesman’s wife sat down on the couch next to the salesman as he was flipping through the channels. She asked, “What's on TV?”

The salesman replied, “Dust.”

And that’s when the fight started.


The salesman’s wife was hinting about what she wanted for their upcoming wedding anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”

The salesman asked, “How about a bathroom scale?” 

And that's when the fight started.


The salesman and his wife were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The salesman asked her, “Do you know him?”

 “Yes,” she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” 

“My gosh!” said the salesman.   “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that's when the fight started.


The salesman’s wife started to get dressed in the bathroom and while she was almost naked and obviously not happy with what she saw, she exclaimed, “I feel horrible.  I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

“Well,” the salesman replied.  “Your eyesight is darn near perfect.”

And that’s when the fight started.


First thing in the morning, the salesman drove to the donut shop to get he and his wife some coffee, donuts and bagels for breakfast.   But on the way, the car in front of the salesman braked for no apparent reason.   The salesman braked as hard as he could, but no luck, he rear-ended the car in front of him.  When the driver got of his car the salesman noticed that he was really, really short.   The salesman was trying to be politically correct.  So he tried hard not to think of him as a dwarf.

When the other driver walked back to the salesman, he looked up at him and said, “I’m not happy!”

At which point the salesman replied by asking, “Well, which one are you then?”

And that’s when the fight started.

Christmas Day

Even on a holiday, life is tough for your average salesman.  The year before, this salesman had bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as her Christmas gift.   This past Christmas, because of the negative comments from the year before, he decided not to get her anything at all. 

As the family was opening their gifts, the salesman’s mother-in-law asked, “Why didn’t you get me anything this year?”

“Well,” the salesman replied.  “You didn’t use the gift I got you last year yet!”

And that’s when the fight started.

Moral of the stories.     True sales professionals realize that in order to be successful at sales they need to get along with others.   They cannot afford the energy drain from fighting battle after needless battle.  That is why no matter how aggravating, frustrating, juvenile or obnoxious the other person can be, a true sales professional will bite his tongue and never take the bait.  When they do speak, it will be only after they have thought things through.

“Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.”   -  Alan King

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Charity.

A saleswoman just returning home from work was chatting with her next door neighbor.  "I feel just great today!  I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity.  I gave a fifty dollar bill to a bum."

"You mean you gave a bum fifty dollars?  That's a lot of money to give away like that.  What did your husband say about it?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh he thought it was the right thing to do," replied the saleswoman.  "He said, 'Thanks!' "

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that charity does indeed begin at home.  And don't forget that if you can't afford to donate some of your time, money will always smooth things over!   

"Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it."    
                                    -   John D. Rockefeller

"Capital punishment is as fundamentally wrong as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty."    -  Henry Ford

Sales Joke of the Day (October 22) The Red Cross.

It was the worst winter in living memory.  The successful salesman was beginning to regret building his huge estate in the mountains of Colorado.   His home along with thousands of others were now cut off by deep snow drifts.  After three months with no contact with the outside world, his home and along with his neighbors, became the target of a Red Cross rescue mission.  But for weeks even the Red Cross rescue team could manage to force their way though to the salesman's home which by then had been completely submerged in snow.  

Finally after days of intense digging, the brave rescuers succeeded in hacking out a path to the front door of the salesman's home.  Not knowing what they would find there, they decided to knock on the front door first.  The salesman answered the door.

"Red Cross," said the leader of the rescue team.

"Sorry," said the salesman.  "It's been such a tough winter that I don't think we can give anything this year.   Besides I make it a practice never to donate to any organization that solicits door-to-door."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you need to be active in your community.   You can't squirrel yourself away in a castle somewhere, never talk to anyone, and expect to close big deals.   Last, never forget the old saying, "Charity begins at home."

"The life of a man consists not in seeing visions and in dreaming dreams, but in active charity and willing service." 
                                                                                                                                                                       -  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Monday, October 21, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 21) The Prescription Bottle.

A salesman came home from work and noticed that his father seemed to be avoiding his grandchildren.  "What's the problem?" asked the salesman.  "Normally you love playing with them."

The old man whisked a medicine prescription bottle from his pocket and said:  "Read the label.  That's why!"

The salesman took the bottle and read the label:   "Take two pills a day, one in the morning, and one in the evening just before going to bed.  KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales one has to be a people person.   You need to go out and talk with your customers and prospects in order to get to know them and their business.   This type of  face-to-face communication demands an outgoing personality.  You either have it or you don't.  If you're shy and prefer staying indoors in front of a computer screen, perhaps sales isn't the career for you.   It's not like you can order up a prescription to provide you with the courage you'll need to be successful.

"To become a thoroughly good man is the best prescription for keeping a sound mind and sound body."  -  Francis Bowen

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 20) Hairspray

It was a beautiful fall day and a salesman and his son were busy raking leaves off of the lawn.  The young boy stopped raking when he saw an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

"Dad, I bet I can put that worm back into its hole."

"I'll bet you 5 dollars you can't," the salesman replied.  "It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that hole.  You won't be able to do it."

The boy smiled, went into the house and came back with a can of hairspray and he then sprayed the worm until it was straight and stiff.  Then he simply stuffed the worm back into its hole.

The salesman smiled, gave his son 5 dollars, picked up the can of hairspray and trotted indoors with a smile on his face.  Thirty minutes later he came back outside and gave his son another five dollars. 

"But Dad, you already gave me 5 dollars."

"I know son.  That five dollars is from your mother."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales they have to be observant.  Having the ability to spot someone using something in a new way that you can adapt and profit from is key to growing your revenue or could just lead to increased customer satisfaction.

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."   
                                                                                                                -  Jeremy Paxman

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 19) The Photocopier

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the sales manager called in a local repair service. 

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the sales manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work. 

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the sales manager asks, "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?" 

"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers.  After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on the additional repairs.”

Moral of the Story.   True Sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to cultivate repeat business over the long haul.  Never make the mistake of offering your prospects massive upfront discounts if they buy more product or services than they need right away.   Often times you'll end up leaving revenue on the table that would have been coming your way anyway.  Make sure that the only thing you're discounting isn't your future.  Margins come to those with patience.

"In everything truth surpasses the imitation and copy."     -     Marcus Tullius Cicero

Friday, October 18, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 18) The Party.

After working in sales for over twenty years, the salesman decided to take early retirement and escape from the stresses of modern day life by buying fifty acres of land in a desolate area of Vermont.  His home was totally isolated and, for the first six months, the only people he saw were the mailman and the guy who delivered his groceries.  Then one evening, he was surprised by a knock at the door.  Standing there was this big Vermontan.

"I'm Caleb, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.  I'm having a party Saturday night and I thought you might like to come."

"That sounds good, I'd like to meet some local folks," replied the salesman.

"Oh, but I gotta warn you - there's gonna be some heavy 'drinkin.' "

"Don't worry about that, I am retired salesman, I'd have to drink with clients every day!"  replied the salesman.

"Oh, and there's going to be plenty of bacon too!"

"No worries, I am retired salesman.  Pigs in a blanket, with bacon, were mandatory at every trade show.  I live to eat bacon," replied the salesman.

"Oh, and there's going to be fighting."

"That's no problem, I am retired salesman.  I can talk my way out of anything."

"Oh, there's probably going to be some naked goings on towards the end when things get outta hand."

"Great!", replied the salesman, "after six months of isolation, I'm up for anything!"

"Right, see you Saturday night then," said Caleb.

"One thing before you go," interjected the salesman.  "Is there any theme to this party?  What should I wear?"

"Wear whatever you want," answered Caleb.  "It's just going to be the two of us."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales you need to be sociable.   You need to be seen at local social functions and parties so you can get a chance to know people.    Remember however, to watch your bacon intake.   Since it's the prized food commodity at any event, folks will be watching you closely to see if you make a pig of yourself.  Beware of those individuals who keep trying to offer you too much bacon.   They no doubt have ulterior motives and are really just trying to grease your palm now so they can get something from you later.  Last, pay special attention to your selection of the bacon you eat at these events.  Go for the leanest slices possible.  At parties or social events you need to be chewing the fat with other guests rather then gnawing away at a poorly selected slice of barely cooked bacon all night.  Your goal is to sizzle, and no gristle.

"We have found that morals are not, like bacon, to be cured by hanging; nor, like wine, to be improved by sea voyages; nor, like honey, to be preserved in cells."       -    William Taylor 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 17) The Escape

Having gone to his executive assistant's apartment, the VP of Sales was astonished to wake up and find that it was 3;00AM.   "Darn!" he exploded.  "My wife will kill me!"

As he ran to his car, while throwing on his clothes and stepping into his leather loafers, he was struck with sudden inspiration.  So he called his wife from his cell phone.  

When he wife answered, he panted into the phone, "Darling, don't pay the ransom!   I've escaped!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they have to have the ability to think on their feet.   Having the ability to think on your feet at 3am, means that you have what it takes to make it at the upper levels of sales management.

"You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."    
                                                                                                                -    Abraham Lincoln

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 16) Fishing With The Boss.

A salesman calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.  We'll be gone for a week.  This is a great opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting.  So could you please pack me enough clothes for a wee and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office, so I will swing by the house to pick up my things.  Oh!  Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The salesman's wife this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.  The following weekend, the salesman comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks, "Did you catch many fish?"

The salesman replies, "Yes! Lots of walleye, some bluegill and a few pike.  But why didn't you pack my new silk pajamas like I asked you to?"

"Oh, I did," she replies.  "I packed them in your tackle box."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, telling the truth is important.  If you lie to a customer, you will eventually get caught.  No matter how shiny the reward, sales professionals don't use canned lines and they don't let their credibility get hooked by temptation.   They know losing their credibility will cause their career to sink.

"Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes."    -    Don Marquis

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 15) The Wallet Photo.

Two salesmen are line at the company cafeteria to buy their lunch.   When they both pull out their wallets to pay, the first asks the second.   "Why do you have a picture of your wife in your wallet?"

"Well," says the second salesman, "during the day if I start to slack off, or if I have a really bad call and I'm feeling a little down, I take out my wife's picture for inspiration.  She reminds me why I do what I do, and I get right back to work.   I see you have a picture of your wife in your wallet too.   Same reason?"

"No," says the first salesman.  "I've got a picture of my wife in there as just a reminder that in its place could have been a lot more money."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales you need to share the wealth with those you do business with.   So butter up your clients by spreading the bread, sharing the dough or giving them their slice.   Don't be a crusty old miser.   Remember, you need to open up your wallet, before you can put more in.

"He that displays too often his wife and his wallet is in danger of having both of them borrowed."   -   Benjamin Franklin

Monday, October 14, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 14) The SUV.

A 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a SUV pulled up beside him and the automatic window was lowered.

"I'll give you a bag of potato chips if you get in," said the salesman.

"No way, get stuffed," replied the boy.

"How about a bag of potato chips and ten dollars?" asked the salesman.

"I said no way," replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of potato chips and fifty dollars?" quizzed the salesman, still driving slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in your SUV!" answered the boy.

"Okay, I know - I'll give you $100 and a bag of bag of potato chips," the salesman offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the SUV?" asked the salesman with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Hyundai Santa FE XL.   You live with it!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, you need to know your target audience and position yourself accordingly.  Failure to take your target audience into account before launching your product or service, and then pitching it, will leave your sales career stalled.  You probably won't even be given the chance to pull away from the curb.

"It's a never ending battle of making your cars better and also trying to be better yourself."   -   Dale Earnhardt

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 13) Suited for Success?

A wealthy and very well dressed salesman arrived at his office to fill out his monthly trip report.  The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified salesman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished marble floor as he headed for the elevator.
The salesman picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.

"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.

Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well. 

The now barefoot salesman then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can. 

A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed. 

A moment later, the salesman dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively. 

Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage. 

The salesman finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work. 

A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped salesman and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment. 

The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed salesman angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork. 

“Why didn't’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly!  ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that in order to be successful in sales one has to be prompt, efficient and brief.  One should never leave their paperwork until the end of the month.  The end of the month is for closing deals.  Remember, you never want to get caught with your paperwork pants down at the end of the month.

"If you wear clothes that don't suit you, you're a fashion victim.  You have to wear clothes that make you look better."  -  Vivienne Westwood

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (October 12) The Safari.

A wealthy old salesman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking his faithful aged poodle named Experience, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Experience discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..  Never mess with Experience!  Age and creativity will always overcome youth and skill burdened by  managerial input.   The ability to BS with brilliance only comes with age and experience!

"Experience is not a skill.  It is an attitude."     -     Ralph Marston

Friday, October 11, 2013

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) On-Line Dating.

A young professional saleswoman went on-line to find herself the perfect date.  She was tired of wasting her time with her girlfriends at clubs, at weekend resort getaways or at boring charity events where all the "Mr. Rights" supposedly hung out.

So after registering her qualifications, adjusted optimally to secure her someone worthy of course, she began to list the qualities she wanted in her mate for life.  She wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, ate mostly fish no beef,  liked company, favored formal attire and was very small.

The on-line dating's site computer program operated flawlessly.

It sent her a penguin.

Moral of the story.   As any true sales professional knows, there is only so much one can do from your desk with a database and a web browser.   (Remember, it doesn't take much to have a great looking web-page.)  If you want to be successful in sales you need to get out in your territory and meet people face to face.  That's the only way to make a real long-lasting connection and properly ascertain what's really going on out there.

"What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat?  Chicken and fish.  You know what you should do?  Combine them, eat a penguin."    -      Dave Attell