Friday, February 28, 2014

Sales Joke of The Day (archives) The Homing Cat.

The salesman really hated his wife Patricia's cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. The salesman put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day the salesman kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it's way home.

The salesman was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later he phoned Patricia, "Darling, is the cat there?"

"Yes," she answered. "Why?" The salesman replied bitterly, "Put that flippin' animal on the phone. I'm lost and need directions."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they must know their own backyard better than anyone else.   Getting lost on your home turf is not an option.   Stay focused, and never be led by a stray.

"Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges.  Cats have the courage to live by them."      -  Jim Davis

Sales Joke of the Day (February 28) The Leg.

A salesman walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The salesman says, "Here, put your ear to my knee." 

The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?" 

The doctor steps back in horror, and the salesman says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?" 

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The salesman then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to be able to quickly identify if things are broke quickly.   If a prospect is broke, don't waste your time trying to selling them anything, because they can't afford to pay.  If things at your company are broken, you need to establish if they can be fixed or not.  If they can be fixed, is it worthwhile hanging around?   If they can't be fixed, perhaps it's time to move on.  And if you're broke, it's time to cut expenses and get a better paying job.

"Human beings will line up for miles to buy a bucket of catastrophes, but don't try selling sunshine and light -  you'll go broke."    -  Chuck Jones

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Wolf Hunting.

Mike and Bill, a salesman and a systems consultant, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in Northern Idaho.  They have an appointment with a local prospect the following afternoon.  At that moment a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work," said the bartender.  He pops open the cash register, pulls out a wad of bills and counts them into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, the salesman, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "You boys mustn't be from around here.  Haven't you heard?  We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.  Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste to my chicken coup.  Old man Miller down the road even lost four of his prized cattle to the blood thirsty beasts!  They are vicious, and they got no fear.  They gotta be stopped.  So I'm offering a bounty of a hundred dollars to anyone who brings in a wolf pelt.

Mike and Bill took a look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.  After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance.  The salesman takes aim with his rented rifle and shoots the wolf dead.  The two colleagues sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly Bill, the systems consultant says,  "Hey Mike look!"

"Not now!" Mike says.  "Can't you see I'm busy with a hundred dollars almost in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver, "No Mike, look now!  We've bitten off more than we can chew here."

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up.  The two men are surrounded by a pack of at least 50 wolves.  Every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth and licking their chops.

Mike the salesman takes the sight in and gasps, "Wow!  We're going to be rich!"

Moral of the story.   As a sales professional, if you find yourself out in the middle of nowhere, chasing an opportunity that has nothing to do with your company's core competency, and your system consultant warns that you've bitten off more than you can chew!   Listen to him!   There could be more than just your personal credibility on the line.  It could be your career!

"If you live among wolves you have to act like a wolf!"   -  Nikita Khrushchev 

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Key to Riches.

Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

"Thank you," said the homeless unemployed salesman.  "Your generosity is much appreciated.  You know, my life used to be great but just look at how low I've sunk now."

"How do you mean?" asked the saleswoman.

"Well," he explained, "I became a multi-millionaire by selling real estate.  I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands deposited in each."

"So where did it all go wrong?" asked the saleswoman.

The homeless salesman sighed:  "I forgot my mother's maiden name."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be organized.   Your digital information must be organized too.   Personal finances, legal documents and your passwords must all be managed effectively and securely.  It's all part of life in the digital age.   Adapt and thrive or don't change and dive.   The choice is yours.

"Treat your password like your toothbrush.  Don't let anyone else use it and get a new one very six months."    -    Clifford Stoll

Sales Joke of the Day (February 27) The Story.

A famous salesman told the following story at a retail conference: 

"There was town out in the Old west that had two general stores. Harry, who owned one of them was a workaholic. He opened early, stayed in the store all day and closed late. Even so, he barely made a living. 

Larry, who ran the other store, came in at nine. At ten he went out back where he kept some cattle, and made all the cows turn and face north. After lunch, Larry went out back again and made all the cows turn and face south. This practice was repeated every day.

Larry's store was successful and he became wealthy." 

The speaker then asked his audience if anyone could tell what principle of merchandising was illustrated by the story. 

A guy in the back stood up and said, "That's easy. The point is if you want to be successful in merchandising, it is important to rotate your stock!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, you need to be able to tell a good story.   People sometimes will not listen to things they are told directly.  But everybody loves and remembers a good story.   Arm yourself with a few that have morals designed to counter the most common objections your prospects give you.  Then watch your sales soar!

"Writing is an extreme privilege but it's also a gift.  It's a gift to yourself and it's a gift of giving a story to someone."     -  Amy Tan

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 26) Client's Night Out.

A salesman decided to take his client out for a night on the town.   To shake things up a bit they walked into a haunted house.   The salesman wanted to capture a picture of his client beside a ghost with his new digital camera. After a couple hours, they finally saw one. It was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture with the client.

The salesman took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the ghost posed for another one with his client, but unfortunately again,  the picture turned out dark.

The ghost had to go, so the salesman was not able to capture the picture he wanted. 

It just ghost to show you, that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to continue to build more rapport and more business with clients, nights out on the town often do the trick.   If for some reason your client gets a little bored or doesn't like the venue you've selected, don't worry!    There's nothing a few spirits can't fix!

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."  
                                                      -  Albert Einstein

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 25) Commitment.

A young salesman was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. 

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, they need to compel their prospects to make a firm commitment.  If the prospect delays, chances are they are being pursued by at least one if not several of your competitors.   Always find out exactly who your rivals are, and then carefully but systematically "coach" your prospects through a thorough examination of each of their remaining options.    During these comparative discussions, always remain calm.  Never become bitter or terse.

"A relationship requires a lot of work and commitment."     -  Greta Scacchi

Monday, February 24, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 24) Blown Away.

Two salesman stopped by a local theme park for lunch.   They were sitting outside eating at a table on an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. 

One salesman joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they must go the extra mile when diagnosing prospects' problems and issues.  Merely just stating the obvious without fully understanding the implications of the problem or suggesting the benefits of a well thought out solution to your prospect, isn't going to get your prospects' attention.   Second, make sure that all your sales presentations to prospects have emotional impact!   When it comes to your sales presentation; you want your prospects to be blown away!   Without putting real effort into your presentations however, you won't have a prayer.

"Our work is the presentation of our capabilities."       -   Edward Gibbon

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 23) The Beer.

A salesman goes into a bar and orders a beer.  He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice says, "Nice Tie!"

The salesman looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled, he takes another sip, and again the voice says, "Nice shirt too!"

Now the salesman calls the bartender back and complains that every time he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice. 

"Oh never mind that!" replied the bartender.  "That's just the peanuts!   They're complimentary!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be part of a great team.   Sales can't succeed alone.  Marketing, support, engineering, finance, collections and human resources all contribute to your success.   Don't forget to pay them at least compliment from time to time.  After all, compliments are free!

"Everybody likes a compliment."     -   Abe Lincoln

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 22) Dental Floss.

The salesman stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work. 

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. 

Bewildered, the salesman demanded, "What was that for?" 

"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly, ... "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be able to quickly build rapport with new prospects.  One of the easiest ways to accomplish this is with a smile.  When you smile, you want to make sure your teeth are sparkling, clean, and all there.   In order to guarantee good oral health and a healthy smile you need to brush your teeth at least twice a day and floss regularly.

"Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them."  -  Andre Maurois

Friday, February 21, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Getting Cut.

Two new salesmen were sitting outside the large company's corporate clinic.   One was crying.

"What's the matter?" asked the second new salesman.

"I had to come here for a blood test," replied the first.

"So, that's nothing to be afraid of," asserted the second.

"You don't seem to understand.  For the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second salesman started to cry too.

"Why are you crying now too?" sobbed the first salesman.

"Because they called me in for a urine test," cried the second.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you need to be able to deal with cuts.   Whether it's your finger, your account base, your territory, your commission rate, your base salary, or even your job; cuts are just something you have to deal with.   Regardless, cuts are nothing to cry over.   Keep a stiff upper lip, pick up your briefcase and carry on!   Tears for Fears, may have been a successful rock band in the eighties, but they're not going to help your sales career.

"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention.  To not be like your parents.  To not be like your friends.  To be yourself.  To cut yourself out of stone."       -       Henry Rollins

Sales Joke of the Day (February 21) Twins.

A down on his luck salesman and his wife have identical twins.    But because times are so tough, they decide to give them up for international adoption. 

One of the two boys goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other son goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells the salesman that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. 

The salesman responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they must never forget the concept of uniqueness.   Even though some situations may seem to be identical, every customer has their own unique circumstances, wants, needs and goals.   Never forget that.   Never make a prospect feel that they're in the middle of a cookie cutter sales process.  They won't like the taste, they'll think you're half-baked and they'll spit you out of their buying process faster than you can say "chocolate chip."    Hmmm...   Think I'll get myself something to go with this cup of hot chocolate.

"The two worst strategic mistakes to make are acting prematurely and letting an opportunity slip;  to avoid this, the warrior treats each situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formulae, recipes, or other people's opinion."  -  Paul Coelho

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 20) The Nomads.

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. A salesman named Benny, had decided to sell them shoes and all sorts of other footwear his firm had designed specifically for desert climates.   Since the local people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, Benny grew himself a huge beard to fit right in with the community and build rapport.

But after several days of door to door selling, Benny the salesman,  began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, but his local inside sales representative was shocked and said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire? The man who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." 

Benny, the salesman,  had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. 

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood the salesman.

The local inside sales representative then knew the legend must be true. His conclusion?

"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, sometimes you need to be a little nomadic.  Traveling from town to town, city to city, hotel room to hotel room, can get to be a little tiresome at times.   As an outlet, some road warriors abuse the corporate expense account, from time to time, in order to compensate themselves for the inconvenience of being away from home.  Don't fall into the corporate expense account spend trap.   Be frugal instead.  Don't waste funds just because they aren't your own.   Or someday, a corporate accounting dust storm will suddenly come up and shave you off their books as an expense line item, permanently.  And your career?   Well, it would be urned as well.

"I am a traveler.  I am a nomad.  I rarely sleep in the same bed more than three or four nights.  And I know hotel life better than anyone."     -  Diane von Furstenberg

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Drive Home.

After a long evening drinking in the golf club bar, a salesman set off for home, but half a mile down the road his car was pulled over by a police officer.

The officer did not need a breathalyzer to see what the problem was.  "You're too drunk to drive," he said.

"Too drunk too drive?" repeated the salesman.  "I'm too drunk to putt!"

After his car was impounded, his mugshot and fingerprints taken, a court date set and bail posted, the salesman took a cab home.   When the salesman got home, his wife was fit to be tied.

After two hours of non-stop nagging, the salesman couldn't take it any longer.   He turned to his wife and yelled, "Be quiet!  Or you will drive me out of my mind!"

"That wouldn't be a drive," she argued.  "That would be a putt!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know better than to drink and drive.  For if they do, they know it could cost them some "green."   But, in addition to the monetary costs there's the additional trouble and "rough" time one's entire family would be "putt" through.  And that just wouldn't be a "fair way" to deal with things now "wood" it?  Don't get "trapped" by the drink, be a "tee"totaller, "fore" your kid's sake.

"Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I am able to tell a joke.  I thank God I'm good at something."   -  Ray Romano

Sales Joke of the Day (February 19) New Wipers.

The salesman was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.    His windows were getting icy, his wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on his front window the salesman suddenly had a great idea.   He stopped and began to overturn large rocks until he located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.

The salesman grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on the car's wiper brackets, and they worked just fine.

Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in business you have to be able to drive long distances in a lot of inclement weather.  There are no "snow days" off in sales.   In order to arrive at your destination safely,  when driving in winter conditions, make sure your windshield wipers are working perfectly and that your windshield wiper fluid tank isn't running on empty.   In many northern climates, it's a good idea to invest in a good set of snow tires.  That added traction could make all the difference between arriving on time or arriving in pieces.   Last, make sure to allow extra time to travel in bad weather.   Speed is not your friend on slippery roads, and is the number one cause of winter car accidents.  The second cause of winter car accidents?   Motorists having to swerve quickly in order to avoid people who have gotten out of their cars at the side of the road in order to look for new wind-chilled vipers.

"Then come the wild weather, come sleet or come snow, we stand by each other, however it blow."   -  Simon Dach

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Collection Letter.

Mr. D. Ed Beat, a salesman, was in dire need of periodontal work, so Dr. Graves, an oral surgeon, performed a series of operations over a three-month period.  The salesman however, paid only for the first third, ignoring all Dr. Graves remittance notices and threats of collection agencies.  Finally the desperate oral surgeon enclosed a snapshot of his three little children in a note that read, "Dear Mr. Beat -  here's why I need the money you owe me."

Dr. Graves was thrilled when an envelope arrived from D. Ed Beat a week later.  Opening it up, he found a large photograph of a gorgeous woman.  Scrawled on the bottom was a note form his errant patient:  "Dear Dr. Graves - here's why I can't pay!"

Moral of the story.   In today's world of e-business, e-mail and e-lectronic communitcations; sometimes if you really want to get your message across take it old school!   Sending out an eye-catching brochure with a personalized note just scrawled across the bottom gets noticed.  It shows you care.  By the way, when it comes to debt, professional sales people should know, you never bite off more than you can chew. 

"Friendship, like credit, is highest when it it not used."    -  Elbert Hubbard

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Speech.

A Vice President of Sales of a major company was scheduled to address an important convention, so he asked his executive assistant to write him a punchy, twenty minute speech.  But when the Vice President of Sales returned from the convention he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?" he raged at  his executive assistant.  "Most of the audience walked out before I was even halfway through!"

The executive assistant was mystified.  "I wrote you a twenty minute speech," he said.  "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that when you give a speech, never rely on others to do your preparation.  You never want to be caught short....  or long.

"Mind your speech a little lest you should mar your fortunes."    -     William Shakespeare

Sales Joke of the Day (February 18) Trousers.

The salesman had a dog named Trousers.  Trousers was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. 

But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. The salesman was walking Trousers along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trousers and the salesman. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. 

Seeing the sheer horror on the salesman's, Trousers took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. 

Trousers immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. 

For Trousers had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you have dress the part.  This includes having good taste in trousers.   When selecting trousers, you need to make sure that they are long enough, but not too long.  You need to make sure they fit well, but not too tight.   And you need to make sure they are made of high quality material.   But whatever you do, before going out to see a client, make sure you have your trousers on, or your visit could be very "briefs."

"I want to go out at the top, but the secret is knowing when you're at the top, it's so difficult in this business, your career fluctuates all the time, up and down, like a pair of trousers." 
                                                            - Rod Stewart

Monday, February 17, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 17) Stamps.

A woman was waiting at a bus stop when a salesman arrived with envelopes and stamps plastered in a neat design all over his bare head.  

The perplexed woman said:  "If it's not a silly question, why have you got envelopes and stamps stuck all over your head in some sort of design?"

"Oh that!" replied the salesman.   "It's just mail pattern baldness."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, all forms of communication need to be leveraged.   In the information age, when everyone else is using email, perhaps a good old-fashioned, personalized, stamped, hand-written, letter, might just make an impact.   But don't get carried away with all the envelopes and stamps though.  Others might think you've gone postal!

"I get mail; therefore I am."    -  Scott Adams

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 16) Alpine Vacation.

The neighbor wondered why the salesman's wife was wearing black.

"My husband died last week," she explained.

"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that," said the neighbor.

"Yes, he became ill on our last alpine vacation.  He suffered a heart attack when someone attached a rocket to his skis."

"A rocket?"  asked the neighbor.  "That's terrible."

"Yes, after that he went downhill very fast."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to be able to deal with sudden ups and downs in your career.   By keeping your nose to the grindstone and staying focused on your goals, no matter what obstacles may come your way, your career will be sure to take off like a rocket.

"Sometimes it's all about the win, sometimes it's about the skiing."    -  Bode Miller

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 15) Jury Duty.

To the irritation of the judge, the salesman was trying to be excused from jury duty. 

"Tell me," rapped the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in this trial?"

The salesman replied:  "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.

"Yes," admitted the salesman, "But I don't want them to realize it."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to make your self indispensable.  Indispensable to your customers, your co-workers and your employer.  How do you do this?   By being fully engaged in what you do.  By going the extra mile and by trying to help those around you become better at what they do.   Second, listen!  You'd be amazed at all that you can learn about your company, your products and yourself; just by listening to those around you.   Chances are, if you are just going through the motions between 9 to 5, no one is really going to miss you.   And it's just a matter of time before they realize it.

"Leadership and learning are indispensable to one another."   -  John F. Kennedy

Friday, February 14, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Valentine's Wedding.

The salesman’s co-worker decided to get married on Valentine’s Day.   Attending a wedding for the first time, the salesman’s  little girl whispered to him, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The salesman thought for a moment and whispered back, "because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

His daughter  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

  Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales one must strive to keep the peace on the home front.   Especially, on special occasions like Valentine’s Day, you have to remember to cover all your bases.   So, to all you married guys out there, make sure that you call your wife from work right now, and wish her a heartfelt “Good Mourning!”

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."     
                                                                                                                -     Frank Morgan

Sales Joke of the Day (February 14) Elderly Valentine's Day.

It was Valentine's Day.  The elderly salesman and his wife were lying in bed that night.  The salesman was beginning to fall asleep, but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said:  "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, the salesman reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said:  "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, the salesman reached across, gave his wife a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said:  "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the blankets and got of out bed.

"Where are you going?" asked his wife.

"To get my teeth!"

True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, sometimes it takes patience.   Certain prospects will make you jump through hoops.  They just love to live through some of the old times over and over and over again before they place their order.   The best thing you can do, is to just have patience, grin and bare it.   And if you still have them, show some teeth.

"A kiss makes the heart young and wipes out the years."    -  Rupert Brooke

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 13) Thursday.

A young salesman found himself alone again close to Valentine's Day.   Determined to change things, he decided to sign up with a matchmaking service that guaranteed him a blind date before Valentine's Day.

That afternoon he received an email with instructions on where to go for dinner to meet his match.   So, at the specified time, the young salesman showed up at the restaurant with a dozen roses and made his way to the exact table as specified in the email.   Unfortunately, the young woman at the table was conspicuously ugly.  The young salesman thought for a moment, that he should just turn around and leave.  The matchmaking service did not provide either party with pictures or even names,  so she was "blind" to what he looked like and who he was.   But, he reasoned, it wouldn't be right to just leave her there alone.   So he made his way to the table.

When he got there, the young salesman asked, "Are you waiting here for a blind date?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"Well then these are for you," stated the young salesman as he handed her the roses.

"Thanks!" she exclaimed.   "I wasn't expecting, I , I, I've never received roses before!"  The salesman noticed a small tear well up in the corner of both of her eyes.

"I know that this dating service thing is little awkward, but can I ask you your name?" asked the salesman.

"Why of course," replied the young woman.   "My name is Thursday."

"That's an unusual name," countered the salesman.

"I know," asserted the young woman.  "My grandmother, who raised me,  told me that when I was born, my mom and  dad got their first look at me in the hospital, they turned to one another and said in unison, 'I think we better call it a day.' "

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, perseverance is key.  No matter how ugly a Thursday appears, just work through it.   It really isn't that bad.  Besides, with the weekend just around the corner you'll have plenty of time to unwind, recharge, put Thursday behind you and get ready for another week of opportunities.

"This must be Thursday.  I never could get the hang of Thursdays."    -  Douglas Adams

"I wish you a tolerable Thursday.  That's all any of us can hope for."    -  April Winchell

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 12) The Devil.

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig.  It has been a closely guarded secret for year and even some of those closest to him had no idea because of the remarkably good fit.  But down in the world of fire and brimstone, one salesman did find out, and he decided to play a practical joke.  So one night, the salesman, sneaked past the guardian demons, crept into Satan's bed chamber, stole the hairpiece and made good his escape!

When the devil discovered that his wig had vanished, he was furious!  He immediately summoned his demons and demanded to know which of them had allowed an outsider to break into the Satanic quarters.  Nobody owned up, which made him madder still. 

So he called a general meeting of the entire underworld, ordering everyone to attend.  The meeting took place in a giant cavern, and as Satan stood up to speak, there were stifled giggles from the audience as people saw for the first time that their leader was follically challenged.  As the giggling turned to peals of laughter, Satan roared impatiently:  "Be quiet!!"

A deathly silence descended.  "Whoever stole it," bellowed Satan, jabbing his finger angrily, "had better return it at once!"  And then he paused for effect before continuing........

"Or there will be H-E-L-L toupee!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they sometimes need to have a very high laugh threshold.  When folks get together sometimes funny stuff just comes up.   At formal get togethers however, pointing fingers and giggling is never acceptable.   Instead, take out your smartphone and discretely snap a photo.   Once you're back in the seclusion of your own hotel room or home; look at the photo again.   At that point if it still makes you laugh, email the photo out to a few friends or co-workers so they can enjoy the chuckle as well.  It can make for one h-e-c-k of a good time.

"Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig.  How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?"                 -    Frank Moore Colby

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 11) The Bus Stop.

A puny bus driver pulled up at the bus stop and a giant of a salesman climbed on board. 

"Big John doesn't pay," said the giant salesman and he marched straight to his seat.

Given the difference in build between the two men, the bus driver was not about to argue.

The next day the same thing happened.  The mountain of a salesman got on the bus, glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay."  And then he went and took his seat.

This went on for several days, by the end of which the driver was starting to resent Big John, the salesman's attitude.  Why should he not pay when everyone else had to?  So the driver went to the gym and began an intensive course of body-building so that he could stand up and face Big John,  the giant salesman, like a man.

Two months later and with rippling muscles where there was once skin and bone, the bus driver looked forward to his daily encounter.  At his usual stop, the colossal sales giant got on and announced, "Big John doesn't pay."

But this time the driver wasn't going to take it lying down.  He rose to his feet and asked, "Oh yeah!   And why doesn't Big John pay?"

The salesman reached into the inside of his suit jacket while he said, "Big John doesn't pay."  The driver momentarily feared the worst.   And then the gigantic salesman said, "Because Big John got bus pass."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you often need to look the part.   While being green, and taking public transit is great for the environment; it won't be putting to much green in your commission pocket, if you are in field sales.   Like it or not, prospects and customers will judge how successful you are by the make and model year of the car you drive.  So if you do have to take public transit; don't make a spectacle of yourself, or your customers and prospects just might take a pass on what you have to offer.

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."      -Oprah Winfrey

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Nursing Home.

Sam, a salesman, wasn't happy about putting his dad in the state nursing home.  But it was all he could afford - until that day his big deal came in.  Wow!  The size of that commission check!  The first thing Sam did with his newfound wealth was to move his father to the best nursing home available.

The old man was astounded by the luxury of his new surroundings.  On the first day, as he was sitting in front of the television, he started to list to his right side.  Instantly, a nurse ran over and tactfully straightened him out.  Over lunch he started to lean a bit to the left, but within a few seconds a nurse was there and gently pushed him upright again.

That night his son, the salesman, called.  "How are you doing, Pop?" he asked eagerly.

"Oh Sam, it's a wonderful place," said the father.  "I've got my own color TV, the food is cooked by a French chef, the gardens look like Versailles, you wouldn't believe."

"I'm glad Pop.  It sounds perfect," replied the son.

"There's one problem with this place though, Sammy," the father whispered.  "They won't let you fart."

Moral of the story.   If you're in a Friday afternoon business meeting, and one of your colleagues is shifting from side to side, don't worry.  They are not passing out or having a bad reaction to street pharmaceuticals.  They probably just had the bean soup special for lunch.  Politely just reach down into your brief case, or notebook bag, grab the hospital mask you've saved for just such occasions and put it on with pride.

"Be nice to your children.  After all, they are going to choose you nursing home."
                                                                                          -  Steven Wright

Monday, February 10, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Hotel.

Staying the night in a cheap hotel in a dead-end town, the salesman was bored out of his skull.  The hotel bar, always his port of call, was closed for renovations, there were no restaurants nearby and the TV in his room was broken.  The salesman resorted to looking in the bedside table drawer for some reading material, but all he could find was a Bible.  He opened the first page and a note fell out.

It read: "My son, if you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and seek help in your darkest hour of need, you can always call on me and I will be there to ease your pain and anguish.  Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call me.  I will be happy to listen to your temptations and be supportive as possible."

The note struck a chord, so, close to tears, the salesman picked up the phone and called the number given.  After a few rings and a few seconds, a voice on the other end finally answered: "Harry's Liquor Store..."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that when they are on the road, it's best to stick to your regular routine and get plenty of rest.   Staying up too late or calling strangers will lead you to trouble rather than solve your problems.

"The great advantage of a hotel is that it is a refuge from home life."   
                                                                   -  George Bernard Shaw

Sales Joke of the Day (February 10) The Soup.

A salesman traveling in south-east Asia was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.

"Do you mean to say that this is actually a bird's nest?" he protested.

The chef assured the salesman that it was, explaining that the bird built the nest with its own saliva as glue.

"Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a bird?" he demanded.  "I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."

Realizing that there was no hope of converting him, or encouraging him to try something different, the chef asked what he would prefer instead.

The salesman responded, "Oh, just fix me an omelet."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in business, sometimes you have to adapt to different cultures in order to build rapport.   Refusing to even try foods from other lands could cause you to be perceived as arrogant, disrespectful or rude.  As far as the business is concerned, you could lose a lot of it, and your career could end up in hot water!   So please, just eat the soup

"When I was having that alphabet soup, I never thought it would pay off."     -  Vanna White

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 9) The Prescription.

A salesman with a heavy cold went to see his doctor.  The doctor prescribed a heavy dose of tablets but they had no effect.  On the salesman's next visit the doctor administered an injection but that didn't work either.  On his third visit, the doctor told the salesman, "I want you to go home, take a hot bath, then open all the windows in your house and stand in the draft." 

But if I do that, doc, I'll catch pneumonia," replied the salesman.

"I know," said the doctor.  "But I can cure pneumonia."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that if they want to be successful at sales they need to be able to properly diagnose what ails their customers.  True sales professionals also understand the importance of not trying to apply their solutions to customer's problems they know they can't solve.

"Prescription:  A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient."  -  Ambrose Pierce

Saturday, February 08, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (February 8) The Puny Lumberjack.

A puny salesman, down on his luck, decided to supplement his income with a second job as a lumberjack.  But the foreman told him, "Sorry, pal.  You're too weak."

"I may look weak,"  protested the puny salesman, "but I'm not.  At least give me a chance to show what I can do."

"Okay then,"  replied the foreman, "see that giant redwood over there?  Let's see you chop it down."

Half an hour later, to the amazement of the foreman, the giant redwood was lying on its side.

"Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" asked the foreman.

"The Sahara Forest," replied the puny salesman.

"You mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

"Sure," replied the puny salesman, if that's what they call it now."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to chop down big deals one swing at a time.  Working with sharpened sales skills make the job go that much easier.

"People love chopping wood.  In this activity one immediately sees results."   
                                                            -  Albert Einstein