Monday, March 31, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 31) Blink.

An optometrist was instructing his new sales clerk on how to charge a customer:  "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If he doesn't blink, add, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.' If he still doesn't blink, you add 'Each.' "

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you must be a master at negotiations.   Sometimes the final stages of negotiations come down to a mere contest of will.  If you find yourself in such a situation, just read the writing on the wall.

"If you look at how long the Earth has been here, we're living in the blink of an eye.  So, whatever it is you want to do, you go out and do it."       -  Jamie Foxx

Sales Joke of the Day (March 31) Contracts.

Seeing the salesman poring through the contents of a shoe box, his wife asked him:  "What are you looking for?"

"Nothing," replied the salesman.

"Nothing?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for over half an hour."

"If you must know," replied the salesman, "I was just looking for an expiry date."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed, they must know the terms of conditions of their company's standard contracts.   Any deviations from the company's standard contract must get legal approval.  If you should at some point forget to pay attention to contractual details, you could spend years and years of your life regretting it.

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."     - Samuel Goldwyn

Sales Joke of the Day (March 31) Cigarettes.

It's after dinner when a salesman realizes he's out of cigarettes.  He decides to pop down to the corner bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.  The bartender offers him a draft on the house and he decides he has time for just a quick one.  The salesman is nursing the beer along when a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way because he knows he has no time to fool around.  So can he help it if she comes and sits right next to him and says how thirsty she is?

One thing leads to another and eventually the girl says how much she likes him and invites him back to her apartment to get better acquainted.  How can he refuse a sales pitch like that?  They go back to her place and go at it like crazy, and the next thing he knows, it's four o'clock in the morning.  Jumping out of bed, the salesman shakes the girl awake and asks if she has any baby powder.

"Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet," she says groggily.

The salesman dusts his hands liberally with the powder, drives home at ninety miles an hour, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.  "So where have you been?" she screeches.

"Well you see, honey," the salesman stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful bombshell walked in and we got to talking and drinking and then we went back to her place...."

"Wait a minute!" snaps his wife.  "Let me see your hands!"  Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever trying lying to me again, you drunken little skunk.  You've been bowling again!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that often it's not so much what they say, but rather the overall presentation of their pitch that wins the day.   Knowing in advance what your prospect will be looking for, and artfully leading them, while at the same time letting them draw their own conclusions, is much more effective than a head-to-head debate with them which you'll never win.  Always be prepared.  Never be caught in front of your customers just 'bowling' smoke.

"A man paints with his brains and not with his hands."    -   Michelangelo

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 30) The Urine Sample.

An unemployed insurance salesman walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. 

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." the sales manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" 

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job,"  replied the sales manager.

With that the potential new recruit  was gone.  About two hours later he returned and handed the sales manager with two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. 

"How in the world did you do that?" the sales manager asked. 

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!" 

"Did you get a urine sample?" the sales manager asked quickly.

"What's that?" the potential recruit asked in return.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles, and go back and get urine samples,"  asserted the sales manager.

The new potential recruit was gone about 8 hours this time.  The office was about to close.   However,  in walks the recruit with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket, produces two bottles of urine, sets them on the desk and says proudly, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's urine sample." 

"That's good," replied the sales manager, "but what's in those two buckets?" 

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers' convention.  So I stopped by and sold them a group policy!"

Moral of the story.   Sales reps who can go out and close business where no one else has been able to close business before are called rainmakers.  Every true sales professional aspires to be a rainmaker.  In the insurance industry, these top reps are called "Urinemakers."  When they retire, a few select top performing insurance sales executives may even receive a "golden" handshake.

“Don’t sell life insurance. Sell what life insurance can do.”   – Ben Feldman

Sales Joke of the Day (March 30) The Tea Party.

A salesman's daughter was given a tea set for her second birthday.  It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to prepare a little cup of tea for the salesman.  The tea was just water really which the salesman drank while he was engrossed watching sports programs on TV. 

Each time his daughter brought the salesman a "cup of tea" he lavished praise on her, causing  the young girl to feel immensely proud.  So proud in fact, she kept bringing him tea. Small little tea cup, by small little tea cup, all day long.

A few days later the salesman's wife and the little girls mother, returned home and the salesman couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him.  On cue, his daughter took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The salesman's wife watch him drink it and then said to him:  "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed one can not simply just go through the motions.  You have to focus and stay attentive to what is going on about you at all times.  Only by paying attention to detail, will you be able to keep your business in order.  Don't drink the Kool-aid of the mediocre!   Stay focused, stay alert and you will stay successful.

"When you have no one you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over."   -  Audrey Hepburn

Sales Cartoon (March 30) The Cold Territory.

Sales Joke of the Day (March 30) Doctor's Appointment.

An almost retired salesman, near the end of the quarter goes for a physical.   All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "POOF!" the lights go on.  When I'm done, "POOF!" the lights go off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Dorothy," he says, "George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that when he gets up during the night to go to the bathroom 'POOF!' the lights go on, and when he's done 'POOF!' the lights go off?"

"Oh my Goodness!"  Dorothy exclaimed.  "He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Moral of the story.  As they age, true sales professionals recognize the need to stay in top physical shape.  Good diet, exercise and plenty of sleep allow you to perform at your best throughout the day.  They also try to limit snacks between meals so they never have to make trips to the fridge in the middle of the night, no matter what the reason.

"Stand back!  I gotta get some rocket fuel out of the fridge!"  -  Adam Savage

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 29) The Big One That Got Away.

A hot shot salesman, considered a tough negotiator, was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish.  He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him.  The fish started writhing in agony and, to the salesman's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the salesman mused as visions of expensive fast cars, beach front property and gorgeous women paraded through his head.  "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The salesman's pride was now at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced.  "What do you take me for?  A sucker?  I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the salesman debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that extra wish.  Finally, the hot shot decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, the fish was dead.

Moral of the story.   Not everyone appreciates "deadpan" humor.  True sales professionals appreciate the art of the deal.  True sales professionals also appreciate the fact that if you push a "hooked" prospect too far during the negotiation phase, that they could jump off your "line" and become a "sinker."  Or worse still, they could get "lured" away by the competition.  Sometimes it's best to just "scale" down your personal expectations a bit to make sure you get your "catch" across the "fin"ish "line" while helping out your "net" income in the process.  After all, if you let too many big ones get away, you're the one getting "canned."

How did you find that "reel" world advice?    A bit too "fishy."    Are you "tuna"d in or "tuna"d out at this point?

Seeing no way to "worm" myself out of this corner; I guess I'll just have to cut "bait."

Not before wishing you all nothing but happy "scales"  at the end of the quarter.  Hope you were able to reel in the big one.

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."   
                                                       -   Steven Wright

Sales Joke of the Day (March 29) Meaning of Dreams.

Waking up on the eve of her birthday, the salesman's wife said to the salesman:  "I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.  What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tomorrow," the salesman said with a smile.

The salesman's wife could hardly think of anything else all day.  She couldn't wait for the following morning to arrive.  As she sat up in bed on her birthday, the salesman handed her a beautifully wrapped small package.

She opened it excitedly to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

The salesman woke up for the next three mornings on the couch.

The following year, the salesman asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She responded: "Something to run around in would be nice."

So he bought her a tracksuit.

And woke up for the next three mornings on the couch.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that with some customers it's best never to raise their expectations to an unreasonably high level, ever!   For once you make that extra effort that first time, after that it will be expected as the new norm.  Remember the price of mediocrity is far lower than the price of excellence.

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."     -  Oscar Wilde

Sales Joke of the Day (March 29) The Wish.

A salesman and his wife were out for a walk on their holidays, when they came upon a wishing well.  The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.  The salesman decided to make a wish too.  But he leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned.

The salesman's wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that basing your future on just one wish, can be fatal !!!   If you think you can become successful by just wishing, well......

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan."     -  Eleanor Roosevelt


Friday, March 28, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 28) The Hospital Visit.

A salesman went to a hospital to visit a friend.  He hadn't been inside a hospital for years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.  A technician followed him into the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating machines with numerous tubes, wires and dials.

The salesman looked up and smiled:  "I certainly wouldn't want to be hooked up to that."

"Neither would I," replied the technician.  "It's the floor-waxing machine."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to successful in sales you have to keep up with technology.   At least the technical advancements in your industry.   Technology can have a huge impact on how customers and consumers do things, what they need and what they want.  Failing to keep up when others adapt to new technologies, could leave you behind, wondering what happened.  Don't let that happen.   Avoid turning your career into an emergency and letting your competition mop the floor with you.   Get plugged in.  Stay current with technology.

"The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency.  Automation applied to an inefficient operation will magnify the inefficiency."     -     Bill Gates

Sales Cartoon (March 28) Reduce Costs.

Sales Joke of the Day (March 28) The Offer.

The salesman was joined at the bar by a voluptuous woman who soon made her talents and charms abundantly clear.  "I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a hundred and fifty dollars."

"That's a lot of money," the salesman pointed out, admiring the cleavage set forth right under his nose.

"I'm worth it," she assured him breathlessly.  "For a hundred and fifty dollars, I'll act out your wildest, hottest fantasy.  In fact, I can make any three words come true.  Just dream them up, baby."

"Any three words?  For a hundred and fifty dollars?"  The salesman's voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept further and further up his inner thigh.  She slowly nodded yes while reaching her other hand up to caress the back of his neck while the salesman considered her offer.

Finally the salesman leaned back with a big smile and announced, "Okay you've got a deal!"   And with that he leaned over and whispered into the woman's ear, breathlessly,  "Paint my house."

Moral of the story.   No matter how tense the situation or how stiff, the competition, true sales professionals rise to the occasion with qualifying, control and closing questions.   True sales professionals would never use an open-ended question when trying to close a deal.   Would you?

"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."                                              -  Theodore Roosevelt

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 27) The Bum.

On his way home from a long road trip, at dusk, a salesman is flagged down at the side of the road by a bum.  The guy is foul smelling, his clothes are ragged, he's unshaven in short; a mess.

"Hey buddy!  Can you spare five dollars?" says the bum.

"You'll probably just spend it on alcohol," replied the salesman.

"Don't drink," said the bum.

"Cigarettes, then," countered the salesman.

"Don't smoke," replied the bum.

"Well, you would probably end up gambling it away," asserted the salesman.

"Don't gamble," replied the bum.

"Ok, said the salesman, I'll give you five dollars, but I'll need to take you home, since I don't have any change on me."

"Fine with me," replied the bum, "it's not like I have any place to be right now anyway."

So the salesman drives the bum to his place, and walks him in the front door to get the five dollars.  His wife immediately asks, "Honey, who is this and what is he doing here?"  

The salesman brushes by his wife and heads upstairs to get the bum the five dollars.

"Is he staying for dinner?" asks his wife.

"No," came the reply from upstairs.

"Will he be doing some work around the house?" she asked, looking up the stair for her husband to return while keeping a sharp eye on the bum near the door.

"No," replied the salesman as he bounded down the stairs with a five dollar bill in his hand.  "Here you go," he said handing the five dollar bill to the bum.   "Honey, I brought this kind stranger home just to give him five dollars AND so you could first hand what happens to a man if he stops drinking, smoking and gambling!"

Moral of the story.    As any sales professional knows, smoking, drinking or gambling at work could cost you your job.  Only the sales greats truly understand that if you cut smoking, drinking and gambling out altogether; not only does your life become boring;  but you stand the chance of sinking your entire career and becoming a bum at the side of the road.

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."       - Oscar Wilde

Sales Joke of the Day (March 27) The Airport Washroom.

A salesman went into a rundown public toilet stall in an airport in Chicago.  The toilets were separated by nothing more than low partitions, as a business executive, probably a lawyer, the salesman thought, stepped into the stall next to him.  The two men "briefly" acknowledged one another with that awkward public restroom type look, and then set about the business of emptying their bowels.

The salesman finished first but as he pulled up his pants prior to flushing the toilet, some coins from his pocket fell into the toilet bowl.  He looked at it, thought for a moment, and then dropped a $50 bill into the bowl.

The lawyer, who hear the weird commotion, peered over the partition and said:  "What the heck did you do that for?"

The salesman quickly replied:  "You don't expect me to put my hand in there for just seventy-five cents, do you?    Wait a minute, look who I'm talking to!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed they have to put in that extra little bit of effort every day.   Great sales people will put up with a lot of crap, roll up their sleeves and dig right into the task at hand.  If, they're really motivated.   And, if, there is enough money on the table to make it worth their while.

"The devil himself probably redesigned Hell in light of the information he gained from observing airport layouts."  -  Anthony Price

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 26) The Birth.

When the traveling salesman got the message at the hotel desk that his wife had given birth, he rushed to the phone.  "Hi honey!" he cried happily, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Ernest, Ernest, Ernest," sighed his wife wearily, "Is that all you can ever think about?   S-e-x, s-e-x, s-e-x?"

Moral of the Story.    True sales professionals know to qualify their questions.  Be careful to address any needs your prospect might have first, before hitting your prospect up with questions that uncover the core information that you are interested in.  The last question you want your prospect to be asking you is;  "Is that all you can ever think about? Commissions, commissions, commissions?"

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is.  The most important product of his effort is his own personality."      -  Erich Fromm

Sales Joke of the Day (March 26) Checking Inn.

A salesman traveling through rural America, decided to stop and spend the night at a picturesque country inn, called the George and Dragon.

Checking in at reception, he asked the lady co-owner whether meals were still being served at the bar.

"No," she replied forcefully.  "Last meals are at 8pm sharp and it's now 8:10pm."

"Not even a sandwich?" asked the salesman sheepishly.

"No, not even a sandwich.  The chef has packed up, and I'm certainly not going to start slaving away in the kitchen at this time of night just because you haven't thought things out very well."

"Very well," the salesman said resignedly.  "Is there a chance of having breakfast in my room in the morning?"

"Certainly not," she snapped.  "All breakfasts are served in the dining room at 7:30am prompt.  Do you have any more questions?"

"Yes,"  replied the salesman.  "Do you think it would be possible for me to have a word with George?"

Moral of the story.     True sales professionals know that succeeding in sales depends upon one's ability to get through the gatekeeper and talk with someone in authority.   You'll never get ahead just checking in.  If you waste too much time merely talking back and forth with non-decision makers, you'll eventually find it difficult to put food on the table or have a decent place to lay your head down at night.  Remember, if you want to succeed, it's best never to check in on the ground floor at the Gatekeeper Motel.   Keep moving on and upgrade to a room on a higher floor with a better view.

"Always be nice to secretaries.   They are the real  gatekeepers in the world."        
                                                 -  Anthony J. D'Angelo

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 25) The Deadly Stroke.

It was a perfect Sunday spring morning so a salesman, who is an avid golfer, and his wife, decide to get an early start to the season by heading out to a local golf course.  Since it was his first game of the season, the salesman's game was a little rusty.  He played a shot on the fifth hole that sliced so badly, it ended up in the gardener's equipment shed.  Looking in the door, the couple saw his ball sitting right in the middle of the shed.

"Look," said the salesman's wife, "If I hold the door open, you can play the shot in from here to the green."

This struck the salesman as an interesting challenge, but, alas, the ball missed the open door and struck his wife on the temple, killing her instantly.

The next day, the now widowed salesman, was playing with a group of 3 co-workers when he hit the exact same slice.  The group walked over the shed and sure enough, there sat the ball in the center of the room. 

"I tell you what," said one of his co-workers, "If I hold the door open, I bet you can get the ball back onto the green."

"Oh no," said the salesman shaking his head.  "I tried that once before and it took me seven shots to get out!"

Moral of the story.   Professional sales people are persistent, they don't let personal emotions get in the way of accomplishing their goals and they have an innate ability to learn from their mistakes while never repeating them.  Both golfers and sales pros have one goal in common.  They both want to make the green.

"It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time.  But it took me many years to realize it."      -  Bobby Jones 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 26) The Last Nickel.

A salesman walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize that in order to be successful at sales, one needs to get paperwork out of the way as quickly as possible.  Like taxes for example.  Procrastinating doing your taxes will only subject you to additional fines and penalties, so why not just get them over with?   As for filing your taxes accurately, most sales professionals understand that when you take "THE" and "IRS" and put them together you get "THEIRS!"  So it's best just to give them their fair share right away.   That's the easy way.   The hard way?   Well, that involves what the Beatles used to call, "Twist and Shout!"

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets!"     -  Will Rogers 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 25) The Critic.

The salesman's wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen.

"Careful!" the salesman yelled.  "Careful!  Put in some more butter!  Oh my gosh!  You're cooking too many at once!  Too many!   Turn them!  Turn them now!   We need more butter!  Oh, my, gosh!  They're going to stick!   Slow things down a little!   Careful, careful.  I said be careful!   You never listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!   Right, turn them! Hurry up!  Turn them now!   Are you crazy??   You fool!   Have you lost your mind??   Don't forget to salt them.  You always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  Use the salt!    USE THE SALT !!!!

The salesman's wife stared at him in disbelief.  "What the heck is wrong with you?  Do you not think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The salesman replied calmly:  "I just wanted to show you what it feels like to be criticized when I'm driving."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed, they can't take the time to nitpick or criticize their co-workers in a negative way.   No one likes to be verbally "a-salted."  Negative criticism, blame, accusations, always multiply and grow exponentially.   If everyone at your workplace gets involved, the negativity spreads and your work environment can turn toxic.   No one grows in a toxic environment.  And if you're not careful some of your co-workers, like eggs, will get cracked, turned over or fried.   So do yourself a favor and try to assume a positive mental attitude, keep your sunny side up, and laugh whenever you can, before your brains become scrambled.

"Remember, if you are criticizing, you are not being grateful.  If you are blaming, you are not being grateful.  If you are complaining, you are not being grateful."    -  Rhonda Byrne

Monday, March 24, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 24) The Monkey.

A salesman was passing a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey advertised for sale.  He was so impressed by the monkey's vocabulary that he bought it on the spot.

That evening the salesman took his monkey to his local bar and bet everyone $10 that the monkey could talk.  A dozen people accepted the challenge but despite the salesman's coaxing, the monkey refused to say a word and the salesman had to pay up.  When he got it home, the salesman was puzzled to hear the monkey chatting away merrily.

The next evening, the salesman returned to the bar and bet everyone $20 that the monkey could talk.  Again there were plenty of takers but, to the salesman's fury, the monkey remained silent.  After paying up, the salesman took the monkey outside.

"I'm taking you back to the shop!" he raged.  "You've been a complete waste of my money!"

"Chill out," said the monkey.  "Just think of the odds we'll get tomorrow!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, sometimes you have to do the unexpected.   Most sales people will chatter on endlessly about their products, services and their company like monkeys.   At times however, it's silence that can be golden.  Often by staying silent, at the right time, your prospects will talk themselves right into a sale.  By staying silent, listening more and observing more, you'll be able to understand what motivates others, and in process become much more effective at selling.

"A man who lives right, has more power in his silence than another has by his words."   
                                                       -    Phillips Brooks

Sales Joke of the Day (March 24) The Missed Shot.

It was a fine spring Saturday morning and a priest and a salesman were playing a round of golf.  After playing several holes, the salesman's game starts to take a turn for the worse.  "Darn!  I missed!" he swears, as his ball lands in a sand trap.

The priest is understandably shocked and admonishes the salesman.  "Do not swear my son.  You will incur God's wrath!"

The next time the salesman fails at an easy chip-in putt for par, however, he swears again.  "Darn!  I missed."

The priest gets very angry and scolds the salesman severly.  "My son, you place yourself in great jeopardy by your words!" 

But alas, as the salesman's second shot on the par three 13th hole fails to make the green, he yells loudly, "Darn!  I can't believe I missed again!"

Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes from the clear sky and reduces the priest to a pile of smouldering ash, and a booming voice from heaven shouts, "Darn!  I missed."

Moral of the story.    As sales professionals we must always keep control.   Swearing, cursing and the use of expletives can hurt yourself, hurt others and can be very lethal to the maintenance of long term business relationships.  When it comes to swearing, let someone else take the hit to their character, reputation and/or career.  When it comes to your vocabulary; keep yours in the green and not in the rough.

"If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron."     -  Lee Trevino 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 24) The Ultimate Choice.

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having one, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where an angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.  "Yes, I have," the salesman replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

"So be it," replied the angel, sullenly looking down at the cloud beneath his feet.

The salesman was sent to Hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave, chained to a wall, and subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff!  What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that!  Well, we were recruiting you then.  Now however, you're an employee!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that when choosing future paths, you must carefully take a step back, do some research, and try to take any emotion out of your decision.   Just as you are putting only your best foot forward during the interview process, companies that are trying to hire you will be doing the same thing.  Remember, that a job 'offER'  is the last reminder you will get to turn 'OFF' your 'E'motional 'R'esponse.  Making a wrong choice at a crucial junction in your sales career, could leave you crying and bemoaning your choice for decades.

"There are no mistakes or failures, just lessons."     -  Denis Waitley

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 23) Getting Buried.

The door-to-door salesman was having a very rough year.   Selling door-to-door was bad enough, but his product wasn't a hot seller.   He was stuck trying to move burial plots.  Close to the end of a very bad day, the salesman just had one more home to visit on his daily list.

The salesman knocked, the door opened.  But opportunity hadn't answered.   The elderly woman needed only a few seconds to explain to the salesman that she and her husband  "had already bought their plots in another cemetery."

The salesman seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered quickly to say politely,  “I hope you’ll be very happy there.”   

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, you need to always be polite to your prospects, even if they eventually buy from your competitors.  To be disrespectful or rude, if you lose the sale, will only end up digging a grave and burying your own sales career.  So, as a sales professional, if you are greeted by rejection, let it 'Rest In Peace.'

"Do what you love.  Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw at it still."
                                                       -  Henry David Thoreau

Sales Joke of the Day (March 23) The Snail.

A sales manager for a local car dealership is locking up one night when the door bell rings.  He opens the door and there is a snail sitting there.

"What do you want?" asks the sales manager.

"You're sign in the front window says 'Spring Snail', I'd like to apply."

"Go away with you.   That sign says Spring Sale, we're having a Spring Sale, not snail, you near sighted little slimy thing."

The snail continues to beg and plead for the non-existant position.  The sales manager, now fed up with the sniveling snail, kicks him away and slams the door shut.


The sales manager is closing the car dealership down for the day when the door bell rings.   He opens the door, looks down and sees the snail.

The snail asks, "What did you do that for?"

Moral of the story.   Customer complaints, no matter how small or insignificant, will eventually come back to haunt you and waste more of your time at the most inconvenient moment possible.   Sales professionals know, it's a best practice to deal with any complaints, completely, as soon as they come up.  It's the most efficient and effective course of action for your career, the customer and your company.

"The usual fortune of complaint is to excite contempt more than pity."   -  Samuel Johnson

Sales Joke of the Day (March 23) The Interview.

An unemployed salesman walked into the human resources department of a large company and handed in his job application.  As the HR executive scanned his resume, she realized that the salesman had been fired from every job he ever had.

"If you don't mind me saying so, your employment history us appalling,"  said the executive.  "You've been dismissed from all twelve jobs you've had, and you've only been working for six years!"

"I know," agreed the salesman.

"Well, I'm afraid I can't allow you to be hired for any position within our firm.  Unless you can think of one good reason we should hire you?"

"Well," said the salesman, "at least it shows, I'm not a quitter!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that persistence against resistance is the only way to win.  If you get fired from your job, or you lose an account, shake it off and keep moving forward.   Never let one or a dozen small setbacks, permanently discourage your will to succeed.

"Success is almost totally dependent upon drive and persistence.  The extra energy required to make another effort or try another approach is the secret of winning."   
                                                        -   Dennis Waitley

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 22) Chopping Wood.

Springtime came early to upstate New York this year, and two ambitious sales reps decided to get a head start on chopping some firewood for next winter.   So Sam and John headed out the bush and started cutting wood.  It had been a while since they had both wielded axes and within an hour John had cut his arm off.  Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon told Sam, "You're in luck!  I'm an expert at reattaching limbs!  Come back in four hours."  So Sam left and when he came back in four hours, the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected.  John is down at the local pub."  Sam went to the pub, and there was John, throwing darts, with the very arm that had been detached just a few hours earlier.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were chopping wood again, and this time John cut his leg off.  Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.  The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher.  Come back in six hours."   Sam left and when he returned in six hours the surgeon said.  "I finished early.  John's down at the local soccer field."  Sam went down to the soccer field just in time to see John kick the winning goal, with the very leg that had been detached just a few hours earlier.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were chopping wood again, and this time John cut his head off.  Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.   The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough.  Come back in twelve hours."  So Sam left, and when he returned in twelve hours, the surgeon said, "I'm sorry John died."

Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon quickly replied, "Oh, no!  the surgery went fine!  You suffocated John by putting his head in that plastic bag!"

Moral of the story.   Whether it's chopping wood, chopping someone down to size, or chopping down one's quota; professional salespeople know they need to keep their blades sharp and their aim true.   Cutting things up is no job for dullards.  Try chopping down the wrong thing, at the wrong time, in the wrong way, with poor aim and heads could roll!

"People love chopping wood.  In this activity one immediately sees results."  
                                                          -  Albert Einstein 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 22) The Shower.

"It's too hot to wear clothes today," said the salesman stepping out of the shower.    "What do you reckon the neighbors will think if I mow the lawn like this?" the salesman asked his wife.

"Probably that I married you for your money," she quipped.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they cannot let themselves be intimidated.  They realize each morning when they step out of the shower, that millions of sales executives, CEO's, CFO's, their competitor's, their co-workers and even their boss are stepping out of the shower just like they are.   True sales professionals know that they put their socks on one at a time just like they are, and they get into their pants one leg at a time, just like they do too!   When you strip the fancy titles away, when it comes right down to it, we're all just alike really.   But the true sales professional knows he can get that competitive edge, that one leg up sort of speak by going that extra mile and doing what the majority of others aren't willing to do.   Like slipping a banana into your shorts, before putting on your pants and heading in to work, for instance.   Doing so will give you that added boost of confidence in the boardroom and psych out your rivals.   Just make sure you're not heading to the zoo to visit the monkey cage with your kids after school.   The results won't be too "appealing."

"Everyone who's ever taken a shower has an idea.  It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off and does something about it who makes a difference."  -  Nolan Bushnell

Sales Joke of the Day (March 21) The Grand Opening.

It was the day of a big Grand Opening sale at a new store in a small town.  Rumors of the Grand Opening sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for a long line that formed by 9:00am, the new store's opening time.

An elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.  On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked down, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person standing at the end of the line, "That does it!  I'm the sales manager!  If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to perpetually open up new accounts.   Looking for a way to get that Grand Opening into a new account can make for some pretty rough times.   Nobody will be rolling out a big red carpet to welcome you in.   No, you will have to scratch and claw your way, through tough competition, to force your way in.   Count on getting knocked down.  How often you get back up and get back in the game is up to you!

"It's not how many times you get knocked down that count, it's how many times you get back up."     -  George A. Custer 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Sales Joke of the Day (March 21) The Weight-Loss Clinic.

Finally admitting he was grossly overweight, the salesman decided it was time to take advantage of a special introductory offer from a new weight-loss clinic in town.  After handing over his payment he was shown into an empty room, where he was joined by a gorgeous blond.  "Hi," she said.  "If you catch me, I'm yours."

After an hour a buzzer rang and the gorgeous blond left the room.  The salesman while disappointed, realized that after the prolonged chase he'd lost ten pounds in the process.   Two days later he'd lost another 10 pounds chasing a brunette, and two days later another 8 pounds chasing a redhead.  All three attempts were unsuccessful, but the salesman was feeling his stamina coming back and the speed from his youth returning. 

Still fifty pounds overweight, and seeing the a special offer on a two-hour "Samoan Special" the salesman decided to sign up for the clinic's "most drastic weight-loss program."

The salesman was eagerly waiting in an empty room knowing that with a two hour time limit his luck would change.  Then the door opened and in came a three hundred and fifty pound Samoan guy, who grinned and said, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

Moral of the story.   Sales professionals know that in order to bring their "A" game on a regular basis they need to stay in top physical condition.   Sometimes though, whether it's the weather (winter), illness, travel or hectic schedules; we can let our exercise routines slide.  And that is never a good thing.  When it comes to our workouts, I'm sure we could all use "Somemoa!" 

"I'm losing my hair.  I'm overweight.  It's not like that's at the top of the list when women go looking for a man.  It's like complete collapse, every year."  -  Graydon Carter