Sales Joke of the Day (May 28) The Bruises.

During a routine physical examination, the doctor noticed severe bruising on the salesman's shins.   So he asked the salesman, "That quite the bruising you've got there.   Do you play soccer, football, baseball, hockey or some other tough physical sport that's doing that to your shins?"

The salesman looked down at his black and blue shins and meekly replied, "No doc, I just play bridge with my wife."

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know life isn't fair.  Not everyone gets dealt the same cards.  Daily dedication and hard work is the only way you can make up such a deficit.  Persistence is the only way to cross that "bridge" from mediocrity to success.  That is, of course, if success "suits" you.

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."    -  Jim Rohn

Sales Joke of the Day (May 27) Faith In Humanity.

After shopping for most of the day, a salesman and his wife return to their car to it has been stolen.  They go to the police station to make a full report.  Then a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any of the evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.  To their amazement, the car has been returned.


There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.  The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your vehicle to rush her to the hospital.  Please forgive the inconvenience.  Here are two tickets for tonight's Garth Brooks concert.  Please accept them as my apology.


Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late.  They find their house has been robbed.  Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic.  And, there is a note on the door that read,  "Well, you still have your car.  I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that sales can often be a rough business.   There will be those that steal your accounts, your ideas and your efforts and will take the credit for themselves.  Remember that they will never be able to take your knowledge, your abilities, your personal integrity, your values or your determination.  In the long run it is your personal attributes, that cannot be stolen, that will ultimately comprise your career.  In the long run, the minute achievements that are stolen will not make a difference.  They are like drops of water that the thief who has stole them, will never be able to hold on to for long.


You must not lose faith in humanity.  Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.     - Mahatma Gandhi

Sales Joke of the Day (May 27) Fishing.

A kind-hearted salesman was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.


"Tsk!  Tsk!" said the salesman to himself as he passed by.  "What a sad sight.  That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers, I'll see if I can help him out."


The kind salesman walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"


"Fishin, sir."


"Fishin, eh?  Well how would you like to com have a drink with me?"


The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind salesman to the corner bar.  He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.


His host, the kind salesman, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"


The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, you have to be fishing for opportunities 24 X 7.  The real trick, you can only learn through experience, is making sure you stay focused on "reel" opportunities while not falling for someone else's bait.


"The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope."  -  John Buchan

Sales Joke of the Day (May 27) Climbing the Corporate Sales Ladder.

During a corporate wilderness "bonding" event; Max a sales rep, looked up at the steep icy mountainside.


"I can't do it," Max stated.


His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them.   It was essential they all complete the task as part of their team building score.


"I'm against mountain climbing,' Max stated again.


As a result Max's team placed last in the competition.


Now his team all calls him "Anti-climb-Max."


Moral of the story:  Any obstacle is more easily overcome if you're part of a team.   Have an "I can" rather than an "I can't' attitude and you'll be climbing up the corporate ladder faster than you think!

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." 

-  Nelson Mandela

Sales Joke of the Day (May 26) Free Fall.

Just before a salesman made his first parachute jump, the instructor reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord.  If it doesn't work, pull the second rip cord and your auxiliary chute will open.   After you land, our truck will pick you up."


The salesman took a deep breath and jumped.  He counted to ten, and pulled the first rip cord.  Nothing happened.  He pulled the second rip cord.  Again nothing happened.  As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself, "Now I'll bet that truck won't be there on time either!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize early when their sales careers are in free fall.   The company may be responsible for not packing your "parachute" properly thereby making it impossible to succeed.   But you are the one who has the ability to bail out of that situation whenever you want to.   Sales situations where no one on the team is being successful, quickly become very toxic.  Complaints are constant, whining is everywhere and no one even bothers to "try" to fix things anymore.   To be truly successful, true sales professionals realize they need to be on a team that is successful; a team where co-operation replaces complaining and perpetual winning has stamped out perpetual whining.  Only in a healthy, challenging sales environment will your sales skills truly develop and your career soar!

Because of the law of gravitation the apple falls to the ground.

Because of the law of growth the acorn becomes the might oak.

Because of the law of causation a man is "as he thinketh in his heart."

-  Don Carlos Musser 

Sales Joke of the Day (May 26) The Big Problem.

The salesman knew he was probably oversensitive about his problem.  But, the fact was his eyes bulged.  He went to doctor after doctor, but none seemed to know of any treatment.  In desperation he looked up "Eye bulging" on his smartphone.  Sure enough a doctor was listed, and a few days later the salesman found himself sitting on a vinyl couch in a seedy waiting room.   A little nervous about being the only patient, he reminded himself how rare his condition was and that the doctor was a specialist. 


At long last the salesman was admitted to the doctor's office and was examined.  The doctor leaned back, sighed, and informed him that there was a remedy to his condition, but it was not an easy one.  "I must remove your testicles," he said.


The salesman's eyes bulged even more as he headed for the door.  But after a few weeks of thinking it over, the salesman acknowledged that his bulging eyes were becoming very uncomfortable and harming his chances of being promoted at work, so he decided to go ahead with the operation.  When he returned from the operating room, sure enough, his eyeballs had sunk back into their sockets most agreeably.  In fact, the salesman looked not only normal but actually rather handsome.  


Delighted, the salesman thanked the doctor profusely, and since he now felt could be promoted, he decided to treat himself to a new suit.


"Charcoal gray pinstripe," he instructed the tailor at a nearby men's clothing store.  "Medium lapel, no cuffs."


"Fine," said the tailor, nodding.  "Come back on Tuesday."  


"Aren't you going to measure me?" asked the salesman.


"Nah," said the tailor.   "I've been doing this for over thirty years; I can tell all of your sizes just by looking," the tailor further assured him.


"That's impossible!" blurted the salesman.


"Size forty-two jacket, right?" asked the tailor.


"Yes," replied the salesman.


"Thirty-two inch inseam, right?" asked the tailor.


The salesman nodded yes, dumbstruck.


Thirty-six inch waist?"


Again the salesman nodded yes.


"And last, you wear size forty underwear, right?" concluded the tailor with a smile.


"Nope, you're wrong!" the salesman exclaimed.  "Thirty-four."


"Listen, you can't fool me," said the tailor wearily.  "Don't even try to put that one over on me."


"I'm telling you I wear size thirty-four underwear," the salesman insisted.


"You can't be wearing size thirty-four underwear!" protested the exasperated tailor.   "Because if you were, your eyes would be bulging out of their sockets!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know the importance of wearing only the best custom-tailored suits.  A good fitting fashionable suit can add that confidence to your stride and that extra bounce to your step that will send you rapidly up that corporate ladder at work.   By the way, if this joke got your shorts in a knot, please make certain you are wearing the correct size or your eyes may start to bulge.
 

"For me that's one of the great indulgences in life - a hand tailored suit, and a great pair of handmade shoes."  -  Hugh Jackman

Sales Joke of the Day (May 26) Late for Work.

For thirty years, Johnson, an inside sales rep had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.


Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the sales manager himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.


Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully limped to his desk, started up his computer and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."


And his sales manager said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"


Moral of the story:   If you're in sales no excuses!  And remember if you're going to be late, it's better to call in sick and burn one of those sick days you've been accumulating over the years.  No one cares about why you're late, they just see that you are late.   If you're home sick.....  out of sight....   out of mind!   Just make sure to lay low for the day and close your curtains, blinds and/or shutters and whatever you do don't answer the door or the telephone!   It's probably just someone else trying to sell you something anyway!


"There is an immeasurable distance between late and too late."  -  Og Mandino

 

Sales Joke of the Day (May 25) The System.

A sales manager walks up to one of his reps and asks, "Where did you get this great follow up system?   It would drag money out of anybody.


The sales rep replies, "I'll say it would.  It's compiled from the letters my son wrote me from college!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals invest some of their time in creating great works of communication.  Crafted to guide their prospects from first contact to final contract, these tools become very valuable to them over the years.   Without an effective system in place true sales professionals realize that success would be much harder to achieve.


Do you have a system that puts the "WIN" in your "SALES?"

"To reach a port we must sail - sail, not tie at anchor - sail, not drift."   

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Sales Joke of the Day (May 25) Gone Fishing?

One morning, a salesman returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife (also a salesperson) decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.


Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").


"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."


"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I 'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


Moral of the story: Never argue with a salesperson when they are trying to unwind and relax.  A good vocabulary and quick wit are useful tools in any situation.


"Fishing is a hard job. Fishing at night.  Rain.  Day, night.  You have to be wise and smart.  And quick."    -  Mariano Rivera
 

Sales Joke of the Day (May 25) The Hair Cut.

A salesman was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," the salesman replied.  "I got a great price on the flight!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly , and they're always late!  So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott," replied the salesman.

"That dump!  That's the worst hotel in the city!  The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.  So what are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to see the the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later the salesman again came in for his haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"it was wonderful," explained the salesman.  "Not only were we on time in one of Delta's new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a 28 year old stewardess who waited on us hand and foot.   And the hotel?  It was great!  They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city!  They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if my wife and I would be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally like to greet us.  Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber.  "What did he say?"

"He asked me, 'Where did I get such a lousy haircut?' "

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that they must never let anyone else "trim" their optimism about their own future.  Never let anyone put any negative expectations in the path to your destiny.  Don't let anyone saddle your horse with their negative baggage.
  
"You're only as good as your last haircut."     - Fran Lebowitz

Sales Joke of the Day (May 24) Cat Food.

A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food.  Knowing that she didn't have a cat, the grocer asked why she was buying the stuff.  "It's for my husband's lunch, he's a traveling salesperson and cat food is great to use for quick sandwiches," was the answer.


Shocked, the grocer said,  "You can't feed cat food to your husband.  It will kill him!"


"I've been giving it to him for over a month now and he likes it just fine," was her answer, and each week the woman continued to pick up a few cans of cat food for the salesman's lunch.


It couldn't have been but a few months later that the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary column in the local paper and noticed that the salesman, the local woman's husband had passed away.  That week when the woman came into his store, he couldn't resist saying, "I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but I warned you that he'd die if you kept feeding him cat food."


"It wasn't the cat food that killed him," she retorted.  "He broke his neck trying to lick his own butt!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that there are usually a few butt-lickers in any sales organization.  While their rise to the top may be meteoric, their fall usually happens just as fast and just as unexpectedly.  True sales professionals also know that eating sandwiches alone, rather than grabbing a quick lunch with a prospect or client can easily lead to the end of one's sales career.  By the way, you now also know where the phrase "tongue in cheek" comes from.  Please use it with caution in the future.  It could be hazardous to your own professional "carear."

"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."

 -  W. C. Fields

Sales Joke of the Day (May 24) Buy! Buy! Buy!

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.  "I think this one will really move," said the broker.  "It's only a dollar a share."


"Buy me a thousand shares," said the client.


The next day the stock was at $2.  The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."


The next day the client looked at his smartphone and the stock was at $4 per share.


The client immediately called the broker back saying, "Get me 10,000 more shares as soon as you can."


"Great!" said the broker.   "Will do."


The next day the client looked at his smartphone and the stock was now priced at $9 per share.  Smiling at what a great profit he had made in just a couple of days, he called his broker and said, "Sell all my shares!"


The broker replied, "To whom?  You are the only one buying the stock!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that if you sell only on hype and not true value, your customer base quickly disappears.   Second, be very wary of anyone on TV who says "Buy! Buy! Buy!"   If they were really that great at investing they would be doing it full time and would have no need whatsoever to do a TV show.  Three, there is a reason why people who sell stocks for a living are called "BROKErs."


"The social object of skilled investment should be to defeat the dark forces of time and ignorance which envelope our future."    -  John Maynard Keynes

Sales Joke of the Day (May 24) Living Will

A salesman and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will".


"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." said the salesman.


With that his wife got up, unplugged the salesman's flat screen TV and threw out all his beer.


"Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object."    -  Laurence J Peter

Sales Joke of the Day (May 23) The Mortgage.

The salesman had barely paid off his mortgage on his house when he mortgaged it again to buy a car and , not long after, he borrowed to build a garage.  His banker hesitated and said, "If I do make this new loan, how will you buy gas for this car?"


"It seems to me," replied the salesman curtly, "that a guy who owns a big house, a car, and a garage, should be able to get credit for gasoline."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that the ability to look after one's own finances is directly related to one's ability to relate to the finances of a prospect and ultimately will affect your ability to close the deal.   True sales professionals know that all business executives will try to accomplish three main goals with every major purchase.  First they will try to increase revenue.   Second they will try to lower expenses.   Third they will try to increase the utilization of their assets, or do more with less.  True sales professionals realize that the more clearly they are able to show how their product or service impacts these three main goals, the easier it is to get executive buy-in  and win the business.  The easier it is to win the business; the easier it becomes to pay off your own mortgage.


"Once you get the kids raised and the mortgage paid off and accomplish what you wanted to do in life, there's a great feeling of: "Hey, I'm free as a bird."    -  Dick Van Dyke

Sales Joke of the Day (May 23) The Cell Phone.

A salesman forgot his cell phone at home.   He heads back finds it, and checks to see if he received and new text messages.  He has received two.


The first one reads, "My love, my life...  Missing you terribly.  Call me.   Forever yours, Cindy."


The second one reads, "Don't bother calling, I already called back on your behalf.  Your wife."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that their cell phones are very, very important to their success.  That is why they backup all the information contained on them and protect all their mobile devices with secure passwords and encryption.

"The only still center of my life is Macbeth.  To go back to doing this bloody, crazed, insane mass-murderer is a huge relief after trying to get my cell phone replaced."                     

-  Patrick Stewart

Sales Joke of the Day (May 23) Administratrium, The New Element.

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.


Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.


Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.


Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


Moral of the story:   As sales professionals avoid your company's administration at all costs.  Every minute you spend on administrative tasks is a minute you'e not in front of customers and a minute you're not making commissions!

"Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status."  

-   Laurence J. Peter

Sales Joke of the Day (May 22) The Sandbag.

The salesman, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to burgle the safe in a nearby men's clothing store.  On the safe door, the owner had left a note.  It read, "Please don't use dynamite.  The safe is not locked.  Just turn the knob."


The salesman and part-time burglar did just that.  Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.  As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that sandbagging is an art form as well as an exacting science.  Being able to make deals appear out of thin air at the end of a quarter or after quotas have been officially assigned, has been a much celebrated tradition passed down from generation to generation by those skilled in the art of the deal.   If you are in sales and you do not know what sandbagging is; you'd better start practicing the only closing line you'll need in your future....   "Would you like fries with that?"


"All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree."    -  Albert Einstein

Sales Joke of the Day (May 22) The Flier.

A salesman decided to open up a new territory in South America, and as his chartered plane was flying over a remote part of the Amazon rain forest, the engine suddenly stalled.   The pilot ordered the salesman to jump, and thanks to his parachute the pilot drifted slowly towards earth.  The salesman had the only  bird's eye view of as the plane smashed with brute force into the woods and instantly turned into a raging fireball. 


Fortune took an ironic turn for the salesman.  His gentle descent landed him perfectly in the center of a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.


All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in total disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that it's always better if you call ahead for an appointment before showing up at a prospect's workplace.  Prospects are people too!   Remember that they have their own schedules, their own priorities and their own daily objectives.   They are not going drop everything they are working on, just because you decided to drop in on them unannounced.  If you are in telesales, remember never to call on prospects over meal times.  If you do, you'll be regarded as a mere interruption and you will never close any business.

"There are no signposts in the sky to show a man has passed that way before.  There are no channels marked.  The flier breaks each second into new uncharted seas."    

-  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Sales Joke of the Day (May 22) Full of Hot Air.

A salesman is out flying in a in a hot air balloon. He is enjoying himself so much that he forgets to keep an eye on the map and after a while he is hopelessly lost. He is starting to get very concerned when he spies a man standing on a mountain top, not far away. As he gets closer, he lowers the balloon so that he can call out to the man. "help" he call out "I am lost, can you tell me where I am?"


"Yes" the man replies, as he makes a mark on the ground with his boot. "You are 100 feet south west of here" he says indicating the mark on the ground.


"Thanks" says the salesman "you must be an accountant".


"Yes I am" he replies, puffing out his chest "how did you know?"


"Well" says the salesman "the information you have given me is 100% correct, but unfortunately, it is of no use to me whatsoever".


Moral of the Story:  If you're not getting the right answers;  as a sales professional you're probably not asking the right questions.   Or perhaps you're not talking to the right people.   Sales isn't a career that allows you to get form point a to point b just by merely following the way the wind blows.   You need account strategies, sales plans but most important you need to systematically execute those plans to close the business.   So if you want to get your sales career going Up, Up, and Away...  forget the beautiful balloon and make sure you're putting in the proper groundwork with each of your clients!

"Every so often you have to increase your profile so you can let it lower again, like a balloon."       -  Robyn Hitchcock

Sales Joke of the Day (May 21) The Confession.

Two salesmen are well off the beaten path.  It's been a rough day and they are looking for a good time in a small town they'll probably never be back to again.   The senior rep tells his counterpart to pull up in front of the local Catholic church, telling him that he'll be back in just a few minutes.  


The senior rep walks in to the church and right up to the confessional booth.  He opens a curtain, enters, closes the curtain behind him and takes a seat.  A small door slides open to his right.   He sees no one, but a calm deep voice asks, "How can I help you my son?"


"Father, forgive me, for I have committed adultery with a woman from your parish," states the senior sales rep.


"Was it Mary Agnardi?" asks the priest.


"No," replied the sales rep.


"Was it Elise Guini?" asks the priest.


"No," replied the sales rep.


"Was it Chelise Boyardi?" asks the priest.


"No," replied the sales rep.


"Ok my son.  You will do fifty Hail Mary's and make quite the donation in the offering plate for the next three weeks."


"Yes Father, thank you Father," said the sales rep as he left the confessional booth and made his way quickly back to the car.


"How did it go?" asked his junior sales accomplice.


"Not bad at all," said the senior sales rep.  "I got three good leads!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that to be successful in sales you need to be prospecting for new business at all times.  And as far as leads are concerned, nothing beats the accuracy and value of a personal referral.  So wherever you are, or whatever you are doing, never be shy to ask for them.


"People do not seem to realized that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character."    -  Ralph Waldo Emerson