Sales Joke of the Day (December 22) The Company Christmas Party.

The salesman and his wife are getting ready to go to his company Christmas party that evening.  They are are dressed up, looking their best as the salesman puts their cat out in the backyard for the evening.   Their taxi arrives, but just as the couple is leaving their cat shoots back into the house.   They don't want their cat left in the house, so the salesman's wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat outside.


The salesman's wife, not wanting it known that the home will be empty, explains to the taxi driver:  "My husband is just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."    A few minutes later the salesman gets into the cab.


"Sorry I took so long!" he exclaimed.   "That stupid animal was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a two by four to get her to come out!   Then I had to wrap her in blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me, or drooling all over my brand new suit.  I finally was able to haul her b-u-t-t downstairs and toss her in the backyard!   She'd better not scratch the paint off our back door or take a c-r-a-p on the deck again, either!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to avoid taking unnecessary risks.   For some, the company Christmas party is a time to celebrate the year and cut loose with your co-workers.   Often this may lead to an over-consumption of alcohol.   That is why it's always best to take a cab to these events.   Taking the "fare"way rather than the freeway is a reasonable toll to ensure that death's bell doesn't toll for you.


"There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat;  if you don't pet her for ten minutes she'll bother you for six hours."  -  Scott Adams

Sales Joke of the Day (December 21) Casting in Central Park.

A kind-hearted salesman is walking through Central Park in the afternoon, a few days before Christmas.   He is astonished to see an old man, could be homeless, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a snow bank while sitting on a park bench.

"Tsk,tsk!" said the salesman to himself.  "What a sad sight.  That poor old man is fishing over a snow bank.  The only thing he's going to catch is pneumonia.  I'll see if I can help!"

So the kind salesman walks up to the old man and asks, "What are you doing my friend?"

"Fishin', sir," the old man replied.

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?  After all, it's almost Christmas."

The old man nods a yes, puts his fishing rod away and follows the kind salesman straight to the corner bar.  The salesman orders the old man a large glass of beer, a warm bowl of soup and the fine cigar the old man had asked for.

The salesman feels good about helping out the old man and he asks, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow takes a long drag on his cigar, blows a careful smoke ring and replies, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know it doesn't matter how old you are, where you are, or what the weather is that day.   As long as you have done your homework, picked the right target market and selected the right bait; anyone, can be successful at selling.

"It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish."                                                               -    Stephen Leacock

Sales Joke of the Day (December 20) The Fireside Chat.

The salesman and his wife were relaxing in front of the fireplace at the end of a long work week.  The weather outside was frightful, ice and snow everywhere with the potential of rain in the forecast.   In just a few days their home would full of festive organized chaos, or as some would call it, having the whole family over for Christmas dinner.


Snuggling up next to her husband on the sofa, she asked the salesman, "Do you think our marriage is as good as Adam and Eve's was?"


"Well," replied the salesman, "it's not really a fair comparison."


"Why not?" asked his wife.


"For starters, Adam never had to listen to Eve talk on and on about all the other men she could have married, and on holidays, Adam never had to try and get along with his mother-in-law either.  On the bright side, at least none of our kids have killed each other yet."


"You're probably right, it's an unfair comparison" replied his wife.  "Come to think of it, Eve didn't have to decorate a tree, bake a turkey, pies and cookies and then have to clean up afterwards.   I wonder if that's why they call them the good old days."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must utilize the tools of compare and contrast to their maximum advantage.  True sales professionals never let a customer or prospect get away with an unfair product comparison.  The y make sure that when contrasting their products or services to a competitor's, they turn the contrast button up as high as it can go.     The more favorable differentiation you can make between what you company is offering and what the competitors are putting out there, the better chances you have of closing the deal.   Often times a potential customer will play down the differences between your product and cheaper priced competitor in hopes of simply driving down your price.   True sales professionals don't let them get away with it.



"I try to contrast; life today is full of contrast......  We have to change."      - Gianni Versace

Sales Joke of the Day (December 19) Pictures.

His bride stepped out of the shower on their wedding night, wrapped in a robe.  The salesman said:  "You don't have to be shy now.  We're married."   So she took off her robe and revealed her naked body.


"Wow!" said the salesman.   "Let me take your picture."


"Why?" asked his wife coyly.


"So I can carry your beauty next to my heart for ever."


The salesman took his photo and then went to have a shower himself.  A few minutes later he emerged wrapped in a robe.


"Why are you wearing a robe, honey?" his wife asked.  "Remember, you don't have to be shy now.  We're married."   So the salesman took off his robe to reveal his naked body.


"Let me take your picture," his wife said.


"Why?" the salesman asked, grinning.


"So I can get it enlarged," was the reply.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to celebrate milestone events with their clients.   Taking clients out for dinner, a sporting event, a rock concert or perhaps a round of golf; can all be enhanced by taking a few pictures of those special occasions.  You can email a few of these photos to your clients to relive the good times or get the real great shots enlarged and framed as a nice way of capturing the moment.  During desperate times, true candid photography could generate additional streams of income, but please be aware of any rules and regulations surrounding such practices in your specific area.


"Anyone with a smartphone is a potential eyewitness cameraman capturing and transmitting stories at speeds that turn Reuter photos and traditional reporting into, well, .....   yesterday's news."                    -  Harvey Fierstein

Sales Joke of the Day (December 18) The Dinner.

A salesman was sitting alone in a restaurant finishing his coffee and free after dinner mints when he suddenly heard a voice say:  "Wow! You look great tonight!  I love that shirt!"


The salesman looked around to see where the voice was coming from but the only other person in the room was a waiter.  So he called him over.  


"Excuse me," said the salesman, "Did you say something?"


"Not me sir," replied the waiter.


A few minutes later the same thing happened again.  This time the voice said:  "And your hair really suits you in that style.  It makes you look years younger."


Once more the salesman summoned the waiter.  "Did you say something just then?" he inquired.


"No, sir," replied the waiter.  "Not a word."


"Well that's twice now I've heard a voice and you're the only other person in the room."


The waiter thought for a moment, "This voice, did it say nice things or rude things?"


"Nice things," replied the salesman.


"Well, that's it then," said the waiter.  "It must have been the complimentary mints."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be able to gain and maintain the attention of your audience.   Compliments are a great way of doing this and should be used often.   But make sure to eat your after dinner mints first!


"I never get tired of hearing compliments."         -  John Lithgow

Sales Joke of the Day (December 17) The Wedding Guests.

The salesman, his wife, and their five year old son were all invited to their cousin's wedding.   It would be their son's first wedding and they thought it would be a great learning experience for him. 


During the ceremony, the five year old son, whispered to his mother, "Why is the bride wearing all white?"


"Because, by wearing white she represents purity and hope for the future," answered the salesman's wife.


"Mom," their five year old son whispered again, "why is the groom wearing black then?"


"Shush now.  We must be quiet and show respect for the ceremony," his mother replied.


Later that evening, at the reception, the salesman's son, undaunted, still had questions.  With his mother away from the table, he seized upon the opportunity to get some answers from his father.


"Dad, why does the bride wear nothing but white?"


"Well son, most kitchen appliances come in white," answered the salesman.


"Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"


"I don't honestly know the answer to that one yet son.   Your mother and I were married over ten years ago now, and I'm still paying.   Why don't you wait to ask me that question until the day that you get married?  I'm sure I'll have a much more accurate answer for you by then."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, they have to be perpetually curious and perpetually asking questions.   If one contact within the organization can't answer your question, or doesn't give you the answers you are looking for, simply ask someone else.    


"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."           -     Walt Disney

Sales Joke of the Day (December 16) Boasting.

An eighty-year-old, semi-retired salesman, was having his annual check-up. He boasted to the doctor:  "I've got an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.  How about that, eh, doc?"


The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Let me tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was a keen hunter, but one weekend he left home in a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun.  Later that day, he came face to face with a huge grizzly bear.  The hunter raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.  And guess what?  The bear dropped dead!"


"That's impossible!" said the semi-retired salesman.  "Someone else must have shot that bear!"


"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be humble.   Prospects and customers like to brag about their achievements, and their good fortune.   If you want to sell them something new, you need to get them to speak about their problems, their firm's short comings and their future needs.   Waste your time in front of customers and prospects bragging about your successes and accomplishments and you will be out standing in a field alright.   All by yourself.


"When boasting ends, there dignity begins."     -   Owen D. Young

Sales Joke of the Day (December 15) The Clone.

The saleswoman led such a hectic life that she decided to ease her load by making a clone of herself.  The clone was a perfect replica except for the fact that it swore a lot.  No matter what the saleswoman did, she could not stop her clone from swearing. 


In the end, she was losing so much business because of her clone's fowl mouth that she decided to end the experiment by pushing her clone off of a tall building.


She was charged with making an obscene clone fall.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they must always speak with the utmost professionalism.  There will be those times, or those frustrating individuals that make you want to lose your temper and curse or swear.  But just remember, they are not worth it.  If you sink to their level, they win.   Generally speaking, those folks that insult others, ridicule others and hurl venom whenever they can, are just not happy with themselves or their accomplishments.   


"The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it."      
                                                                                                      -    George Washington

Sales Joke of the Day (December 14) Ice Fishing.

It was a bitterly cold winter day.  The salesman decided to go fishing and cut a hole in the ice, but didn't catch a thing.  Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby and proceeded to catch fish after fish.   Eventually the salesman went over to the boy and said:  "I've been here six hours and haven't caught one fish.  You've been here only half an hour and you've at least ten.  What's your secret?"


The boy replied:  "Roo raf roo reep rur rurms rarm."


"Excuse me," replied the salesman, "I didn't catch what you just said."


"Roo raf roo reep rur rurms rarm," stated the boy for the second time.


"I'm sorry," said the salesman.  "But I still can't understand a word you're saying."


The boy spat out a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said:  "You have to keep your worms warm!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to keep your baiting material fresh.   If your material gets old or cold, your prospects will start to freeze you out and your commission catch will quickly be reduced to zero.  Always make sure that any bait coming out of your mouth, is only the best you have to offer.


"The finer the bait, the shorter the wait!"     -   Frank Gorshin

Sales Joke of the Day (December 13) The Split.

After 35 years of marriage, the salesman said he wanted a divorce. 

His wife was stunned.

"But John," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together?  Remember, how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you and brought you back to good health?  Then when your family was wiped out by a hurricane, I was there for you.  When you were falsely accused of embezzlement at work, I stood by you.  Then when you gambled away over $40,000 of our savings at online poker, I sympathized and supported you.  When that fire destroyed your office at work I comforted you.  John!  How could you leave me?  We've been through so much!"

"That's the problem, Sue," replied the salesman.   "Face it.   You're just bad luck!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to be persistent and skilled rather than lucky.   In tough times you need to work rather than discard your network.   During tough times, only a fool spurns those who have historically provided support.   During tough times, lashing out at or blaming others won't make things better.  In fact, if you cut off your support network, your downward spiral will only accelerate and the impact you make when you hit bottom will be that much more painful.

"I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species."    
                                                               -   Carrie Snow

Sales Joke of the Day. (archives) A Whole Hour.

One Friday morning, a salesman arrived late with one eye swollen shut, his left arm in a sling, and his clothes in tatters.


"It's 10:00," pointed out the sales manager, "and you were supposed to be here by 9:00."


The salesman explained, "I fell out of a tenth story window."


The sales manager snorted and remarked, "And what, it took you a whole hour to land?"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that sales is a tough racket.   You can't let little things get you down.   No mater what, full speed ahead.     So if you've read down this far, what are doing?   How is this joke going to help you make your number this year?    It's December 13!  Only 12 days until Christmas and only 18 days left until year end.  Only 18 days left to hit your number for the year.   Set aside the seven swans a swimming and the partridge in a pear tree for a moment and focus on taking care of business today.  They'll be plenty of time for shopping and getting ready for the holiday season over the weekend.   Want a shot at just one of the five golden rings this year?  Then get back to work.....   At year end, an extra hour here or there can make a world of difference.


Good luck!


"The future is something everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, who ever he is." -  C.S. Lewis


"Let him who would enjoy a great future waste none of his present."        -  Roger Babson

Sales Joke of the Day (December 12) Venison.

The salesman's family was given some venison from a friend of the family who was a skilled hunter.  That night the salesman's wife cooked up some deer steaks and served them for dinner.


"What is this?" asked the salesman's young daughter.  "Is it beef?"


"No, it's not beef," replied the salesman.


"Is it pork?" asked the salesman's son.


"No, it's not pork," replied the salesman.  "I'll give you a clue.  It's what your mother sometimes calls me."


"Spit it out sis!  Quick!  Spit it out!" yelled the salesman's son.  "I didn't think they'd get this big, but we must be eating bass turds!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, you need to be likeable.  People like to do business with people they like.  Chances are if your prospects or customers are calling you by other names behind your back, they are not going to be doing business with you much longer.   How do you know if they are calling you names?   Well in the majority of cases you'll never know.  The only thing you can do, is to do your best not to give them any reasons to call you names to begin with.   Never over promise and under deliver.   Never gouge a customer on price.  Never sell something to someone unless they absolutely need it.  Last, if a customer or prospect, asks you for something that you don't have, or can't deliver, simply tell them you can't and provide them with a referral to someone else who can help them out with their issues right now.   That's being of service.   That's what real customer service, rather than mere lip service, is all about.


"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."   
                                                                                                -   Mahatma Gandhi

Sales Joke of the Day (December 11) The Field.

A farm implements salesman was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field.  The farmer wasn't doing anything and appeared to be staring blankly at nothing in particular.


"What are you doing?" called out the salesman.  He wanted to make sure the farmer was okay.


"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," replied the farmer.


"How are you going to accomplish that?" asked the salesman.


"Well," replied the farmer.  "I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they do have to be outstanding in their field.   They also know that success will never come to those who are just out standing around.   Want to be outstanding in your field?   If you want to get somewhere or accomplish anything of consequence in life, you need to get moving.  In sales, you need to be speaking with prospects.   If they are not beating down your door to do business with you, you need to be going out to see them.   So what are you waiting for?   Pick up that phone and start booking some appointments today.


"The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body.  The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results."                                                    - Tony Robbins

Sales Joke of the Day (December 10) Big Maria Mountains.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Maria_Mountains



The female sales manager was having a problem with her sales team.  She was beginning to regret moving to Blythe, California and taking the sales management job with a software company that had fallen on hard times.   But her turnaround plan had been accepted by the president of the company.  She was given the go ahead to hire six additional sales reps for a grand total of 24. She had announced the first meeting of the whole new sales team today right after lunch, at 1:15pm.

Unfortunately she was in the board room with only 21 members of her sales team and it was already 1:30pm.  Tardiness amongst her staff was a problem she would have to deal with right away.   Just as she was about to go ahead with the meeting anyway, one of her truant salesmen scurried to take his seat.

"What's the reason for your tardiness today Jeff?" the sales manager asked.

"My apologies Rhonda, but I was on top of Big Maria Mountains at lunch, and I lost track of time," replied the first salesman.

Just as the sales manager was again about to start the meeting, the second of her truant salesmen, scurried in to take his seat.    

"What's the reason for your tardiness today, George?" the sales manager asked with a little bit more tone this time around.

"Sorry, Rhonda, but I was on top of Big Maria Mountains today at lunch and I lost track of time," replied George, the second tardy salesman.

Now missing only one of her six new hires, Rhonda the sales manager, was just about to kick things off, when a young woman she had never seen before, scurried into the boardroom and quickly took her seat.

"Let me guess," asked the sales manager sarcastically, "Big Maria Mountains?"

"Well yes Rhonda," replied the new hire.   "I'm flattered that you know my name is Maria Mountains, but don't you think describing me as big is a little inappropriate."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to be punctual and present for internal sales meetings.   If you're late, you are showing disrespect not just towards your sales manager but towards your fellow colleagues too.   Here's a thought, next time you are scheduled for a sales meeting, show up a few minutes early, relax, and take some reading material with you.   Just make sure the reading material is appropriate.

"It's never to late to be what you might have been."     -     George Elliot

Sales Joke of the Day (December 9) Envy.

After twenty years, with a reunion just around the corner, the salesman decided to track down his three best friends from high school.  He was shocked at what they had become. 
 
Dave was an alcoholic who hasn't worked since 2004. 
 
Ben was in prison for robbery.
 
However it was when he saw Tim that the salesman began to feel sick to his stomach.
 
Tim had an expensive sports car, a huge house, a cottage, a fantastic job and a really attractive wife.

"That's the last time I'm using facebook!" the salesman thought to himself as he deleted his account.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful in sales, they need to maintain a positive mental attitude.   Being envious of others accomplishments can turn a positive outlook on life into a negative one.  Obsessing over others successes while thinking they should have been yours, or asking why others seem to be always getting the lucky breaks and you're left out in the cold, is not going to bring success your way.   Successful sales reps don't have time for envy or jealousy.  Instead, they focus on what's important to them and they invest their time with laser-like precision on projects that are important to their immediate goals and their own future.   



"The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch."      -     Jim Rohn

Sales Joke of the Day (December 8) Grave Diagnosis.

The salesman walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.


"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?",  the salesman asks.


"I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.


"What is it Doc?" asks the salesman.


"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."


The salesman, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it."


"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."


"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks the salesman.


"No, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to be able to diagnose exactly what is ailing their prospects.  Failure to determine what their real needs are, what their wants are and what the return on their investment will be; could end up burying your career.


"You've come into a hard world.  I know of only one easy place in it, and that is the grave."  
                                                                                                           -   Henry Ward Beecher

Sales Joke of the Day (December 7) The Theft.

The salesman drove his brand new Ferrari over to his favorite clothing store to pick out a brand new Italian suit.  He parked his new Ferrari outside and went in to do a little browsing before making his selection.  Nicole, his regular salesperson, and greeted the salesman upon his arrival.  She smiled, waved her long golden blond hair and in a very flirtatious way asked, "And how may I help you today?"


"Just browsing for a few minutes today," replied the salesman.   "I'll give you a shout in about ten minutes once I've found something."


"Five minutes later Nicole came running over to the salesman crying out,  "Come quick!  Come quick!  Someone is driving off in your new Ferrari!"  


"Did you try to stop him?" asked the salesman.


"No, I did better than that!" replied Nicole.   "I wrote down his license plate number!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to dress the part and drive the right car just to get in front door.  But once in front of the prospect if you just jot down useless notes instead of working towards really solving their problems, you aren't going to be getting to very far.


"If you have to lie, cheat, steal, obstruct and bully to get your point across, it must not be a point capable of surviving on its own merits."                                   -          Steven Weber

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Vile Monster.

There once was a medieval village named Wasgij. This village was being terrorized by a vile monster, the Medicrin. Each night, the Medicrin would stalk down from the hills, and devour one of the villagers. The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to pool their money together to hire the great salesman Erik.  Erik claimed that his consulting services and customized solutions could solve any problem.


So, as any good sales rep does, Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted with his technical expert of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins love to eat loons. So Erik, the salesman, hunted high and low to find a loon. He found one, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the Medicrin, and slay it.


That night, the Medicrin came... It smelled the loon... But it also smelled DANGER, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.  After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik, the salesman again consulted with his technical expert of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins also love sugar. So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village, and threw it into the pit. The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik, the salesman,  was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.


That night, the Medicrin came... It smelled the loon... It smelled danger... But it also smelled the sugar, and the Medicrin dived into the pit, and devoured the loon. And the villagers swarmed over the Medicrin, and slew it.


Moral of the story.   "A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down."   Ok, seriously folks, the real moral of this story, if the prospect you're hunting is hanging back because they are afraid to move forward just try sweetening the deal a little and you'll have him bagged in no time.   Remember too, that when trouble arises, true sales professionals consult with experts to solve the problem; while mere villagers panic, light torches, gather pitchforks and charge at whatever appears to be the enemy of the day.   So the next time trouble arises, ask yourself, "Are you a villager or are you a sales professional?"


"The internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow."      
                                                                                                                     -     Bill Gates

Sales Joke of the Day (December 6) Getting Home Late.

His wife became increasingly annoyed by the fact that the salesman was repeatedly home late from work.  Every night he promised faithfully that he would be home in time for dinner but something always arose to keep him at the office later than planned.   Consequently, night after night, she ended up throwing his dinner away.  Eventually she got so mad that she issued the salesman with an ultimatum.  "Tonight you get home at six o'clock sharp or it's the last meal I ever cook for you."

The salesman was worried.  He loved his wife dearly but couldn't help working late.  After all, times were tough and business was business.  But he decided to make a real effort to get home on time for once.  So he closed the office an hour early and set off to catch the bus.  But, as he crossed the street, he was struck down by a car.  He was rushed to the hospital but his injuries turned out to be minor and he was discharged shortly afterwards.  Nevertheless, the delay meant that it was 8 o'clock before he arrived home.

The salesman's wife was raging.  "What time do you call this?" she boomed.  "You PROMISED me you'd be home by six!"

"Darling, I can explain," assured the salesman.  "I know I'm two hours late, but I was run over by a car and had to go to the hospital."

"So what?" she replied.  "It takes you two whole hours to get run over?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to be punctual for appointments.   Generally speaking, people who are waiting for you, don't want to hear why you are late.  They don't care!  The only thing that matters to them is that you were inconsiderate of the their time and their schedule.   Want to lose customers, friends, and annoy relatives?  Habitually show up late.

"Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues; always insist on it in your subordinates."                                                                  -  Don Marquis

Sales Joke of the Day (December 5) The Psychiatrist's Office.

The salesman was having trouble sleeping.   It had been going on for two weeks.  He was feeling tired all the time and his lack of focus was beginning to affect his work.  He sold appliances in a local department store.   It got so bad, in fact, that at risk of losing his job, he decided to go see a psychiatrist to help him with his problem.


After the salesman described his chronic inability to sleep, the psychiatrist asked, "Is there anything bothering you?   Usually anxiety or unresolved issues in one's life can cause you to lose sleep."


The salesman replied, "Well Doc, every time I see pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters I nearly have a panic attack!   What's my problem Doc?"


"Oh, that's an easy one," the psychiatrist replied.  "You're just afraid of change."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to be adaptable to change at all times.   Success favors those who can react to changes in the marketplace faster than their competition.  If you get stuck in your ways using outmoded methods, and outdated technology, you'll soon be out of business.


"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."    -    Winston Churchill

Sales Joke of the Day (December 4) The Witch

To be perfectly blunt, the office receptionist could be a real witch.   She'd been there over 20 years and lorded over the place like she owned it.  On the first day it snowed this season, she went as far as to order one of the salespeople to warm up her car for her.  Much to everyone's surprise, the salesman agreed.


A few minutes later the salesman came back holding a broom.  Placing it over the heating vent, he told her loud enough for the entire sales department to hear, "Just give it a minute and it'll be ready to go!"


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you have to be able to get along with some pretty gruff personalities.  One proven method of softening such tough people up a bit is to use humor.  If used properly, humor can deflect others anger or rage often resulting in more appropriate interactions.


"People like to talk more than they like to act.  They like to sit there and complain and vent.  Somehow they think that changes things.  Which it doesn't."        -     James Patterson

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Doll.

A Vice President of Sales arrives back home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl says, "Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?"


Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, it's a term of affection. She's very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency."


"Oh," says his little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her down across your desk."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that displaying your doll collection at work is never a good thing.  It's going to eventually get you in trouble one way or the other.


"Blessed be Providence which has given to each his toy: the doll to the child, the child to the woman, the woman to the man, the man to the devil!"          -      Victor Hugo

Sales Joke of the Day (December 3) The Fire.

The salesman was at the bar after work drowning his sorrows.  An old friend he hadn't seen for years, sat down on the barstool next to the salesman and ordered them a couple of beers.  They had made small talk for about 5 minutes before the old friend asked the salesman about his wife.


"I'm afraid," replied the salesman, "that I lost my wife in a fire."


The friend's features clouded over.  "I'm sorry for your loss.  How did it happen?"


"Well," said the salesman, we were eating lamb flambé when the plate overturned on her dress."


"Oh my goodness," replied the old friend, "you mean she burned to death?  That's just terrible."


"Oh no," replied the salesman.   "The fire fighters arrived on time.   She left with one of them and I haven't heard from her since."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to pay special close attention to prospects or customers who may be a little upset.  Ever hear that old saying, 'Where there's smoke, there's fire?'  True sales professionals know that where there's fire, there's competition!


"Bitterness is like cancer.  It eats upon the host.  But anger is like fire.  It burns all clean."     
                                                                                                                -   Maya Angelou

Sales Joke of the Day (December 2) Reincarnation.

It was Monday morning at the breakfast table and the salesman and his wife found themselves for some reason, talking about reincarnation.


"What exactly is reincarnation?" the salesman asked.


"It's when you die, you come back as something completely different, based on what you have done with your last life," his wife explained.


"So," the salesman suggested, "I could come back as a pig?"


The salesman's wife sighed wearily, "You're not listening to me at all, are you?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be able to listen attentively and be a great conversationalist.  The last thing you need is for your customers and prospects to think that when it comes to simple conversation, you're nothing but a boar.


"The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out."    -    Voltaire

Sales Joke of the Day (December 1) Expensive Pastimes.

The salesman was sitting at the clubhouse bar, thinking about his latest extra-marital affair.  Absent-mindedly, he began thinking aloud: "Not worth it, never as good as you hoped.  Expensive, it messes with your mind and it's not fair on the wife."


Overhearing this, a friend sitting nearby leaned over and said: "Come on, man, you knew what to expect when you took up golf."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to plan for the future and work in the present.  Lamenting about the past changes nothing.   Don't waste your today worrying about your past times.


"The sportsman knows that a sport is a recreation, a game, an amusement, and a pastime, but his eyes are fixed on a higher goal, on the most important thing in his life, which is his education or his vocation."    -    Avery Brundage