A salesman and his wife were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until
their ocean liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a
desert island, the only survivors.
Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of
spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they
started to think about their home back in Arizona.
The salesman's wife asked, "Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we left?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the electric bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the gas bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the six-month property tax bill?"
"No, honey, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Well at least there's one good thing," sighed the exasperated salesman's wife.
"What's that?" asked the salesman.
"They'll find us for sure now," replied his wife.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that it's in their
best interest to carefully look after their personal credit history. A
healthy credit score is a sign of a strong contributor to society. If
you have a lax attitude towards your credit score, it's an indicator of a
lazy or dismissive attitude towards responsibility in general. And
that's a red flag that potential employers will want to avoid. New
Years is a great time to do a financial "housecleaning" to start the
year off right. Or if you'd rather just cruise through life and drown
in debt figuring at some point someone will come along and rescue you.
Good luck!
"Old and young, we are all on our last cruise." - Robert Louis Stevenson
The Devil tells a
salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful
than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, at times, it requires the support of your family. If you're a sales professional you sell for the benefit and betterment of your family. One must never sell out the family for the benefit and betterment of their own career.
"A man should never neglect his family for business." - Walt Disney
The salesman who had been out yachting with his family for their
summer vacation had terrible accident. For six months he had been in
a coma, until today when he finally woke up.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell you first?" asked the doctor.
"Begin with the bad news first Doc," replied the salesman.
"All right, here goes," replied the doctor. "You had a terrible
yachting accident, six months ago, while you were on summer vacation
with your family. Your son drowned. Your daughter was eaten by a
shark. You're wife survived, but divorced you two weeks later. Your
home was completely destroyed by a fire and your sports car was stolen,
but since your insurance lapsed you were not covered on either. Oh, I
almost forgot, when we were doing routine tests on you last week, we
found out that somehow you picked up a rare but incurable disease."
"Good grief! What's the good news?" exclaimed the salesman.
"Ah yes," your sales manager was in to see you last week at year
end. Apparently that big deal you were working on came in. I'm
supposed to say congratulations on making your quota and President's
Club for 2013!"
"Fantastic!" replied the salesman. "When do I leave for Hawaii?"
"Uh, how do I put this?" pondered the doctor. "Your sales manager
said he would be stopping by with some souvenirs for you on Friday."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales they need to be goal oriented. However, never
become so focused on your career success that you lose sight of what's
really important in life. Your family, your health, and last but not
least, your sports car!
"Sometimes things in life happen that allow us to understand our
priorities very clearly. Ultimately, you can see those as
gifts." - Mariska Hargitay
A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the salesman. The woman promptly leaves the pet shop.
The next morning the woman came back to the pet shop and again asked, "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the same salesman. The woman promptly leaves the pet shop again.
The third morning the woman came back to the pet shop and again asked, "Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't," said the same salesman. "And this is the third day you have come in and asked me that same question."
"I'm so sorry," said the young woman, "but I can't help it. I have a buy polar disorder."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that at times some
prospects insist on trying to buy products or services you just don't
sell. Don't get sucked in. Don't lose focus. Never get upset. But
at the same time be careful not to waste time on prospects who are nuts
either.
"In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order." - Carl Jung
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at his patient on
the other side of the room. "Yes, after twenty weeks I'm pleased to
pronounce that you are one hundred percent cured."
The salesman sighed, "Gee, that's just great."
"I don't understand. Aren't you happy?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Why should I be?" the salesman shot back. "A few weeks ago I was Genghis Khan! Now I just sell used cars for a living."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to conquer all obstacles in your path.
Sometimes dreaming that you're invincible can help keep you motivated.
Just don't get carried away and lose your head over it. Just keep
thinking to yourself; "yes I can! Yes I can!" Not, "yes I Khan!"
"We may have found a cure for most evils; but we have found no remedy
for the worst of them all, the apathy of human beings." - Helen Keller
A salesman went to his priest one day and told him, "Father, I
have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're in sales! Do you want to have some fun?'" replied the salesman.
"That's almost obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to
praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying 'that'
phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the salesman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day the salesman brought his female parrots to the priest's
house. As the priest ushered the salesman in, the salesman saw that the
priest's two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads
and praying. Impressed, the salesman walked over and placed his parrots
in with them.
After a few minutes, the salesman's female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're in sales! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our
prayers have been answered!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in sales you have to be enthusiastic about what you do. Such
enthusiasm is contagious and raise everyone's productivity. Besides,
what's wrong with having a little fun at work?
"Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it, nothing great was ever achieved."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Two small boys were talking on their way home from school. One said,
"I'm really worried. My dad's a salesman and works more than 60 hours a
week to give us a lovely home, plenty of food and great vacations. My
mom spends half her time keeping the house clean, and washing and
ironing my clothes. The rest of her time is spent working at a
part-time job selling houses to earn us extra luxuries."
"Wow!" said his friend. "You sound really lucky. So, why are you worried?"
The first boy replied, "What if they try to escape?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in tough
economic times, it's tough to keep things calm on the home front. If
you're constantly worried about the economy, your job or the fiscal
cliff; your kids will pick up on that anxiety to the point it affects
their own outlook on the world around them. When you get home at night
and drop your bags at the front door; don't forget to drop your
work-related baggage as well.
"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett
The sales manager was fed up with the constant back and forth
between two of his best salesmen. So much so, that he decided he and
his two reps in question would join a monastery where silence and
meditation would encourage them to change their ways. This monastery
observed a strict code of silence, only one person per year was allowed
to speak. Any violators would be kicked out immediately. The sales
manager added, "If either of you get kicked out, I'll fire both of you
immediately!"
The first year passed, and the first salesman whose turn it was to
speak, stood up and said, "I rather like the mashed potatoes around
here, they're very tasty."
At the end of the second year, the second salesman stood up and said,
"I don't like the mashed potatoes around here, they're too lumpy."
At the end of the third year, the sales manager stood up and said,
"I'm leaving this monastery because nothing has changed. You two are
still constantly bickering!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be able to get along with your
co-workers. Your energy is needed to fight the competition, not one
another. Constantly bickering can lead to one adopting a siege
mentality, where you are constantly dug in and prepared to fight. Such
thoughts lead to a stifling of creativity, reduced ambition and a huge
decrease in job satisfaction. So in 2014, rather than criticize,
empathize with those around you and mutually strategize on how to work
together going forward. United, you will realize some major gains in
your commission checks, making 2014 your best year yet.
"Fear not those who argue but those who dodge." - Dale Carnegie
A salesman was distraught because his faithful pet dog had gone
missing. His wife suggested, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper to
get him back?"
"That's a great idea!" said the salesman. So he placed the ad. But a month later there was still no sign of the dog.
The salesman's wife said, "I really thought that ad would work. What did you write in it?"
The salesman responded, "Here, boy!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals realize that to be
successful, any advertising they do must be directly targeted at their
target audience. If they fail to put their ads in terms that their
target audience understands, their ads will never "fetch" the results
one would expect.
"There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
- Benjamin Franklin
The highly competitive salesman, wasn't feeling so well, so he went to see the company physician.
"You have a bad case of the flu," said the doctor as he looked down
at his thermometer. "And unless this fever goes down in a hurry, you
won't be going to the Sales Kickoff Meeting this year."
"How high is my fever doc?" the salesman inquired.
"Just over a hundred degrees."
The salesman considered this, then asked, "What's the company record?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be very competitive. But within
reason. When it comes you your personal health, that's nothing to play
around with. The same could be said for your co-workers health.
How could you possibly affect the health of your co-workers' health you
ask? Simple. By going in to work sick. During flu season, your
germs could infect others and lay waste to the entire company's
productivity for the duration of the bug you acquired and spread. So if
you are sick, stay home, keep your germs to yourself, get plenty of
rest and only go back to work when you're well.
"In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars, and
other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a
dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic;
and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66
to 11,497." - Warren Buffett
On New Year's Eve, Daniel, a sales person, was in no shape to
drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.
"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Daniel.
"And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the police officer
sarcastically.
"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.
Moral of the story. If you've gotten off to a bad start already in
2014, before getting out of bed this morning, why not recite this little
New Year's Day prayer?
Dear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then
on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
A salesman and his girlfriend were spending a quiet New Year's Day at
home, before heading out for some more festivities that evening. In
fact, Jenna, the salesman's fiance, was just waking up from a two hour
nap. "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond engagement ring as a
New Year's present. Jenna declared. What do you think it means?"
'Aha, you'll know later tonight," answered the salesman, smiling broadly.
Later that evening, at the party, the salesman approached Jenna and
handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she tore open the
package quickly. There in her hands rested a book entitled: 'The
Meaning of Dreams.'
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed long term, they must do a better job of managing the
expectations of their prospects and customers. Moving forward at a
planned logical pace rather than making unreasonable promises and
selling dreams permits you to move forward at a measured, profitable
pace. A pace that is much more preferred than a wild ride up and down
on a roller coaster of emotions, resentment and ruined relationships.
"You can't base your life on other people's expectations." - Stevie Wonder
Feeling nostalgic on New Year's day, the seventy-five year old
salesman and his wife drove to the nursery school where they first met.
Outside, they stood before the old oak tree where he had carved "JS
loves MB" inside a heart; they peered into the windows at the corner
where he'd stolen his first playful kiss from his future bride.
As they drove home, the salesman and his wife, found themselves
behind an armored car, and when the Brinks truck hit a pothole, a fat
canvas bag dropped out, so the couple stopped to retrieve it.
"My goodness," said the salesman's wife, looking inside the canvas bag, "there must be half a million dollars in here!"
Scrupulously honest, the salesman said, "Dear. We must give it back."
"No way!" she snapped. And they drove home.
The next day two insurance agents came to their door. "We're talking
to all the people in the neighborhood," said one, "to see if anyone
found a bag with money in it."
"We sure didn't find one," replied the salesman's wife, quickly.
"Yes we did," replied the guilt-stricken salesman.
The salesman's wife fired him a withering glance, then said to the agents. "You'll have to forgive my husband. He's senile."
"No, I'm not!" insisted the salesman, holding the agents with his
steady gaze. "My wife and I were driving home from nursery school and
--"
"Come on," said the first agent to his associate, "maybe we'll have better luck at the next house."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you need to make sure that you save plenty of
money during your income generating years for your retirement. Not
everyone has the time and patience to follow Brinks trucks around
everywhere. Further, if others think you are senile and you're not,
don't worry! If you play along, you just might be able to supplement
your retirement income with a new career in shoplifting, home break-ins,
auto-theft or any other type of crime where senility is accepted as an
alibi. Remember, in tough situations, always play to your strengths
and the reputation others have of you, and you can never lose. Now go
out and make 2015 your best year ever!
"Young men have a passion for regarding their elders as senile." - Henry Adams
"When you become senile, you won't know it." - Bill Cosby
The salesman's New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular
marathon with numerous guests, co-workers, friends, neighbors and
relatives, coming and going. At one point a man knocked at the door,
was greeted heartily by the salesman, and although nobody knew who he
was, the salesman led him to his fully stocked bar in the basement.
The strange guest just sat there at the bar for a couple of hours
before the salesman passed by him as he was making his rounds. At that
moment a strange look came over the stranger's face.
"You know," he confided to the salesman. "I wasn't even invited to
your party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars
are blocking my driveway."
"No worries," replied the salesman. "I'm glad you and your wife are having a good time."
"Her?" replied the stranger, pointing the very attractive young lady
dressed in a classic black party dress. "Oh, no. She's not my wife.
She's just been very friendly to me the past couple of hours. My wife
has been sitting out in the car, waiting for me to get the driveway
cleared."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful in sales you need to know all the people in the party you
are trying to do business with. By not knowing all those involved in
your customers' or your prospects' decision making process, you might
unknowingly leave someone out in the cold. This could lead to a
buildup of resentment towards you and eventually cost you the sale.
"Our sympathy is cold to the relation of distant misery." - Edward Gibbon
Fed up with the salesman's persistent snoring, his wife called the
doctor to ask him if there was anything he could do to relieve her
suffering.
"Well," said the doctor, "there is one operation I could perform that
will cure your husband, but it is really expensive. It will cost you
$7,000 down followed by payments of about $2,000 per month for 48
months."
"What could possibly cost that much?" asked the salesman's wife.
"A new sports car," replied the doctor.
"A new sports car? How will that help cure my husband's snoring?"
"Well," said the doctor, "with payments like that, your husband won't
be able to sleep at night. He'll be up worrying about how he's going
to afford the payments!
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that a big
mortgage, huge car payments and heavy consumer debt can all contribute
to one's motivation. There's nothing like financial desperation to
help you make that next cold call.
"Life is what you make it: if you snooze you lose; and if you snore, you lose more."
- Phyllis George
A middle-aged salesman was sitting in a truck stop when four
rough bikers strode in. The first walked over to the salesman and
stubbed a cigarette into his lunch. Then, the second biker spat in the
salesman's Coke. The third biker picked up the salesman's plate of food
and threw it on the floor. The fourth biker walked right up to the
salesman, put his face three inches in front of the salesman's face and
said "Boo!" real loud.
Without flinching, or saying a word, the salesman got up, paid his
bill at the counter, along with a generous tip to the waitress, and
left.
"He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress.
"Not much of an SUV driver either," the waitress replied. "He just
backed it over four motorcycles and drove over them a second time on his
way out of the parking lot."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you can't afford the time to pay any attention to
constant critics. There will always be those customers and prospects
who whine and constantly complain in public. Because of something
going wrong in their lives, they feel compelled to try and drag you down
to their level of mediocrity. Whatever you do, don't take the
bait! Instead, be patient and just walk away. Your opportunity for
revenge will eventually present itself. And when it does, tread
heavily!
"The best revenge is massive success." - Frank Sinatra
"Living well is the best revenge." - George Herbert
Before driving across five states to get to his wife's parents to
celebrate New Years, the salesman pulled in to a gas station to put
some air in his tires. He had noticed earlier that morning that they
looked a little flat.
"How much is that?" the salesman asked the cashier.
"Ten dollars."
"Ten dollars! That's way too expensive! It's only air!" exclaimed the salesman.
The cashier calmly replied: "Well sir, that's inflation for you."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful in sales they need to understand economic trends like
inflation. Being able to understand in advance how trends like
inflation will affect the industries you sell to, will help you to
prioritize your time more effectively. Are your customers positively or
adversely affected by the current economic trends? Are you selling
any product or service which would improve their competitive
positioning, their internal operations, or their customer relations
during tough times? Will your customers' cash flow be positively or
negatively affected? An increase in cash flow can mean an increased
tendency to spend money. A decreased cash flow will tighten the purse
strings and delay or cancel some planned expenditures. Sales
professionals stay vigilant to ensure that none of their projects lose
their funding. No sales professional wants to see their commission
checks go through a period of rapid deflation.
"Production is the only answer to inflation." - Chester Bowles
The sales team decided to get together for dinner at a fancy
restaurant over the holidays. Somehow, as they were waiting for their
orders to arrive at their festively decorated table, the conversation
turned into a heated discussion about whether men or women were more
trustworthy.
The senior salesman on staff was particularly outspoken, insisting that: "No woman can keep a secret."
"That's not true at all," said the very attractive saleswoman sitting
directly opposite the salesman. "I've kept my age a secret since I was
twenty-one."
"You'll let it slip someday," replied the senior salesman.
"No way!" exclaimed the saleswoman. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-six years, she can keep it forever!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
successful in sales, secrets are the last thing you want to be keeping
from your customers and prospects. Full transparency is the best
currency to use with people you do business. No surprises leads to
personal credibility over time. Gathering secrets and keeping them
within a tight-knit group, isn't building up an asset of value, instead,
it's creating a huge liability. A liability that when exposed could
damage reputations and cost the enterprise dearly.
"I believe fundamental honesty is the keystone of business." - Harvey Firestone
A salesman was sitting in his back yard looking rather sad. His neighbor called over the fence to ask what the problem was.
"I fell for one of those questions women ask," said the salesman. "Now I'm in the dog house."
"What kind of question?" asked the neighbor.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said the neighbor. "You just say, of course I will."
"Yeah," sighed the salesman. "That's what I meant to say. But what came out was, of course I do."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful you must be fully alert at al times, especially when
engaged in conversation with a prospect. If you find yourself just
going through the motions, just rehashing well-worn phrases when
answering customer questions, it will only be a matter of time before
you find yourself in the doghouse too.
"A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer." - Bruce Lee
A salesman walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the salesman that it appears he has
already had plenty to drink and that he would not be served additional
liquor at this bar. The bartender would however, get a cab called for
him.
The drunken sales is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk salesman stumbles in the side
door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over, and still politely, but more firmly, refuses
service to the salesman due to his inebriation. Again the bartender
offers to call a cab for him.
The drunken salesman looks at the bartender angrily, curses and shows
himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his
head.
A few minutes later, the same drunken salesman bursts in through the
back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his
wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the drunken
salesman, that he is clearly drunk, will be served no more drinks, and
either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunken salesman looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that it takes
more than just persistence to be successful at sales. It takes a clear
head, a plan and customer centricity. What new piece of information
of real value to their business, are you bringing to each face to face
meeting? Remember, your prospects have their own customers to take care
of and their own businesses to run. Showing up time and time again
with nothing of value, will guarantee that you'll be shown the door.
"Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination."
- Vin Scully
It was Boxing Day, and a salesman was fortunate enough to be selected
to be a contestant on a TV Game Show and for $500,000 he was asked to
name two of Santa's reindeer.
"Rudolph and Olive," he answered confidently.
There was a stunned silence among the audience. They didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The host shuffled uneasily. "Er, uh, we can accept Rudolph, but I'm not sure about Olive. How did you come by that?"
The salesman began to sing, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a
very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say it glows.
Olive, the other reindeer....."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order
to succeed at sales, it never comes down to has the correct answers, but
rather, who asks the better questions. As for Olive, the other
reindeer, let them laugh, let them call you names, and quite frankly who
cares whether or not they let you play their reindeer games. They are
never the ones most folks remember anyway.
"You'll go down in history." - Billy Gilman
The salesman had twin children, Will, his son and Jenny, his
daughter. The two had entirely different outlooks on life. Will was
born a pessimist while Jenny was an eternal optimist. These greatly
differing attitudes caused the salesman a great deal of concern.
Particularly when it came to buying presents for them. So the salesman
decided he better consult a child psychiatrist with regard to what he
should buy them for Christmas. The psychiatrist told the salesman to
spend as much as he could afford on Will the pessimist but said that
Jenny would probably be happy with anything. "In fact," said the
psychiatrist, "Why not get a pile of manure for Jenny and wrap that up?
I'm sure she would be very happy with that."
The salesman took the psychiatrist's advice and spent five-hundred
dollars on presents for his son Will and wrapped up a heap of manure for
his daughter Jenny.
Come Christmas morning as the kids were opening up their presents,
the salesman asked Will, "So, what has Santa brought you this year?"
Will answered gloomily, "A brand new bike, but I'll probably get run
over while riding it; football cleats, but I'll probably break my leg
while playing; and an electric train set that I'll probably end up
electrocuting myself with."
Realizing this Christmas wasn't quite going as planned, the salesman
turned quickly to his daughter Jenny and asked, "So what has Santa
brought you this year?"
"I think I got a pony," exclaimed Jenny, who was up to her elbows in manure, "but I haven't been able to find it yet!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals realize over the
holiday season that life is, really what we ourselves make of it. It's
how we look at things, not what we have that counts. And, if you
feel, over the holidays, that you are up to your elbows in manure.
Don't fret! You're just an optimist! And your pony is just a couple
of feet deeper. So dig in and enjoy!
"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss
"What would you like for Christmas, darling?" asked the salesman
as the couple prepared to spend their 20th Christmas together. "How
about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"
"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife.
"Then, what about a new Mercedes?"
"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife.
"What about a Christmas holiday in Bali?"
"No, I don't think so," replied the salesman's wife. "You see, what I really want is a divorce."
"A divorce?" exclaimed the salesman. "Sorry, darling. I wasn't planning to spend nearly that much!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales, they must be constantly North polling their customers
and prospects to determine their ever-changing list of needs and
wants. At the same time, true sales professionals are aligning these
needs and wants to the prospect's or customer's budget in order to keep
things real. Failure to keep any proposed project within budgetary
reality could have you heading to Splitsville. And where's the
commission in that?
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time
that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice." - Dave Berry
A salesman walks into a kebab shop and was surprised to see Santa serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he said. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa let out a long sigh. He had really fallen on hard times. The
red suit was splattered with chili sauce and bits of lettuce, his apron
was a mess,and he looked as if the last thing in the world he wanted to
be doing was serving kebabs.
Eventually he admitted: "I'm afraid my business has gone belly up, a
big bowl full of jelly belly up. What, with the credit crunch and the
recession, the toy industry took a real hammering. I had to lay off
some of the elves. The bank wouldn't give me a loan to retool and as a
result we lost our competitive edge. We wound up the delivery side and
subcontracted out to UPS but none of these measures helped our
profitability. Finally the receivers came in, asset stripped the
business and we went into liquidation."
"Sorry to hear that," said the salesman. "It kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas."
"I know," said Santa smiling weakly. "Anyway, enough of me, and my troubles. What can I get you?"
The salesman said, "I'll have a large Donner kebab."
"Sorry," said Santa. "We were all finished with Donner on Tuesday. "Will a Blitzen do instead?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in tough
times you have to stay positive. In order to do that, jettison any
prospects that have fallen on hard times. Their moaning on and on about
how bad the economy is, how unfair things are, how the world's set
against them will drain you of all your energy and time. Want to stay
positive? Deal with only folks who are positive about their business
and their future. Winners press on, move forward, expand their business
and buy stuff to help accommodate their growth. Losers lament,
complain and drain. Stick with winners, discard the losers and your
career will soar!
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference
makes a big difference. That little difference is attitude. The big
difference is whether it is positive or negative."
- W. Clement
Stone
A salesman went to the doctor complaining of a sore throat and cough.
"Hmmm," said the doctor, examining him. "Your throat is very
swollen. I wonder if it's an allergic reaction to something you've
eaten. Have you eaten anything out of the ordinary lately?"
The salesman looked sheepish. "Well doctor, I know it was a stupid
thing to do, but two days ago I ate some of our Christmas decorations."
"Ah, that explains it!" explained the doctor triumphantly. "You've got tinselitis."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that during the
holiday season they need to get plenty of rest in order to stay
healthy. Too many late nights, too much partying and extreme changes in
diet over the holidays can make you sick. Being sick is not the way to
get the next year in your sales career off to a great start.
"Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of
Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those
heartfelt words, Is this all I got?"
- Frasier, Cheers 1982
A salesman is dining in a fancy restaurant, a couple of days before
Christmas, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to
talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the salesman. He reflectively reaches out, grabs it out of the
air, and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says
as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it
up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for
everything, she asks the salesman if he would like to come back to her
place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The following morning, she cooks him a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The salesman is amazed! Everything had been incredible!
"You know," said the salesman, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," replied the woman, "you just happened to catch my eye."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales they need to fully understand the importance of
establishing and maintaining good eye contact with prospects and
clients. Good eye contact establishes credibility, indicates
confidence and goes a long way to closing the deal with customers.
Failure to make good eye contact often leads to a lack of trust and lost
sales.
"People simply don't make eye contact anymore." - Eric Kripke
