Sales Joke of the Day (February 5) Skiing.

The salesman decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office, the weather and his quota and went skiing.  Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling.  Moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.  Fortunately, the salesman was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit.  Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.


Hours later, when everyone but the salesman had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.  After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.  Poking his head through the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled,  "Hello!  Is anyone there?  It's the Red Cross."


Bristling, the tense stressed out salesman yelled back, "Get lost!   I'm on a holiday!  Besides I already gave at the office!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, sometimes you need to accept help from others.   At other times, you can pay society back, or forward, by supporting local charities.   Never cut yourself off from society at large, or you'll begin that lonely slide down the slippery slope of despair and loneliness.  Your customers will soon find you to be bitter and will take their business elsewhere.  One morning you will wake up and realize that you have hit rock bottom when you can only dream of one day being able to ask your customers, "Would you like fries with that?"


Stop this avalanche of negativity today!   Go out and donate your money and or your time to the charity of your choice.  Both you and your world will be better for it!


"True charity is the desire to be useful to others with no thought of recompense."   
                                                                                                       -  Emanuel Swedenborg

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) Foreign Concepts.

An American salesman went to Tokyo on a business trip but because he didn't like Japanese food, he asked the hotel concierge if there was anywhere he could get American food.


The concierge told him that a new pizza parlor had opened half a mile away and that it did deliveries.  Armed with the phone number, the salesman returned to his room and ordered a pizza.


Half an hour later, the delivery guy knocked on the door with the pizza.  The salesman took it, but immediately started sneezing uncontrollably.  He said to the delivery man: "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"


The delivery man replied: "We put on exactly what you order on the phone, pepper only."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed you must verify everything before finalizing an order.   If dealing with a foreign concept to the potential buyer, verify two or three times just to ensure your prospect's product expectations are correct and that the payment terms are accurate.   Making sure you take all the necessary steps in the transaction upfront will prevent your boss from kicking your keester later.


"Reality: What a concept!"      -      Robin Williams

Sales Joke of the Day (February 4) Plotting Along.

The salesman had been unemployed for a long time.  Just as his finances starting to get into a grave situation, he spotted a help wanted ad for cemetery sales.  He was called in for an interview right away.

In the interview room, the human resources manager looked the salesman over from head to toe before saying, "Since we've had no other applicants, the job is yours providing you pass our personality test.   You see, the cemetery business isn't for everyone.  You need to be able to deal with grief and have very good control of your emotions at all times.  We take things very seriously around here.  No fooling around.  You see, most of our customers would be put in awkward situation if you really seemed to enjoy what you were doing.  So, do you consent to taking our oral examination?  It's only three questions in length."

"Yes, I consent," replied the salesman.

"Thank you.   Let's begin with the first question then." stated the human resources manager.  "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the salesman.

"Correct," stated the human resources manager.  "And what would be the opposite of depression?"

"Elation," replied the salesman confidently.  With only one question to go, he knew the job would be his!

"Correct," stated the human resources manager.  "One question to go.  What would be the opposite of woe?"

Without thinking the excited salesman replied, "Giddyup!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, you have to keep your emotions in check.  Whether it's interviewing for that dream job, or closing that large deal; you must not let your emotions rob you of logical thought.   Doing so could prove costly to that deal and to your career.

"The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots.  They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them.  That's not me."                                                                                     -  Ray Romano

Sales Joke of the Day (February 3) The Chiropractor.

A salesman suffered for months with chronic back pain and was eventually persuaded by his doctor to go and see a chiropractor.    "A chiropractor, doc?   Are you sure?  Are they really doctors???"  


Even though the salesman didn't have faith in such people, and was convinced they could not help him;  his back was so sore and he had missed so much sleep that he was willing to try anything.


So, the salesman went to see a local chiropractor.   And after just a few minutes of treatment, his back felt like new.


"So, how do you feel about chiropractors now?" asked the chiropractor as the salesman got up from his treatment table.


"Well," the salesman responded as he rose to his feet.  "I stand corrected."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, you can't afford to prejudge any individual, any organization or any situation.   Prejudging things or people, will sometimes cost you potential opportunities or revenue.   Remember, no one's perfect.  If you have made an error in judgment, like betting on the Broncos in the Super Bowl, don't resent it, be frustrated by it, or get upset.   Just own it and be willing to say, "I stand corrected."


"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."     
                                                                                                     -   Will Rogers

Sales Joke of the Day (February 2) The Last Bowl of Chili.

A salesman sat down in a restaurant and ordered a bowl of hot chili.   But the waitress replied, "I'm sorry, the customer at the tale next to you had the last bowl."


The salesman looked across the aisle to the other customer's table and noticed that he had left most of of his chili.


"Could I have that?"  asked the salesman.


"Sure, help yourself," replied the other customer.


The salesman was starving and started to dig in to the chili as soon as the waitress placed put it down on his table.  Unfortunately half way down, he discovered a mouse.


"Ugh!" the salesman exclaimed.  "I've found a dead mouse in my chili!"


"Yeah, that's about as far as I got too," stated the other customer.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to make the most of everything you receive.  Often, when taking over a territory you will receive second-hand accounts and second-hand opportunities that other sales representatives have already worked on.   Rather than just diving in and trying to close business right away, take a step back and review each opportunity for yourself, that is the only way you can make sure that nothing is mousing.


"A lazy person, whatever the talents with which he set out,  will have condemned himself to second-hand thoughts and to second-rate friends."    -  Cyril Connolly

Sales Joke of the Day (February 1) The Grocery Store.

The young salesman had just started his job as a sales clerk in an Arkansas grocery store.  One day a man came in and asked for half a lettuce.  "I'm not sure whether I can sell you half a lettuce," said the young sales clerk.


"Why not?" asked the man.  "I don't need a whole lettuce!"


"But I don't think I can sell you just half a lettuce," replied the young sales clerk.


"We're not getting anywhere," said the man firmly.  "Go get me your manager."


"So the young sales clerk went to speak to the manager.  "There's some **bleep** out there who wants to buy half a lettuce."  Just then he was aware of the man standing next to him.  Without missing a beat, the young assistant added:  "And this fine gentleman would like the other half."


When the matter had been resolved, the manager had told the young assistant: "I was impressed with the way you handled things back there.  You got yourself out of a tricky situation.   Where are you from?"


"Minnesota," replied the young sales clerk.


"Why did you leave?" asked the manager.


"They are all just really ugly women and hockey players up there," exclaimed the young sales clerk.


The manager frowned.  "My wife's from Minnesota."


"You don't say!" replied the young sales clerk.  "Which team did she play for?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to be able to handle all sorts of situations.  But lettuce remember that situations with customers are the most important.  Always be respectful, and never assume that the sale or the groceries are in the bag.


"Lettuce is like conversation; it must be fresh and crisp, so sparkling that you scarcely notice the bitter in it."           -  Charles Dudley Warner

Sales Joke of the Day (January 31) The Juggler.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.


"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."


"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."


The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.


A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the salesman to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to celebrate and unwind every so often to recharge your batteries.   Super Bowl weekend is one of those times to party!!!    But remember, never try to juggle drinking and driving, or you could end up getting pulled over and torching your career, or worse. 
   

"It's hard to juggle being a businessperson with being a creative person.  You have to organize yourself."   -  Vera Wang

Sales Joke of the Day (January 30) The Super Bowl.

After working hard all week long, the salesman couldn't believe it was Super Bowl Sunday.   This was his one day in the year where he was allowed to do whatever he pleased.
   

The day before he had arranged for a pizza delivery just before the game, and an order of chicken wings to arrive at half-time.   His new 80 inch flat screen TV made the players seem almost life-size!   He had four bags of different flavored potato chips, one for each quarter and a case of his favorite beer to keep him hydrated.
  

Prior to the game itself, the salesman had watched a full seven hours of pre-game coverage, and after fully weighing all the information against what his gut was telling him to do; he finally placed the bet with his bookie.   He was good to go.


Unfortunately for the salesman, he fell asleep halfway through the first quarter during an official time out and play review.


His wife woke him the following Monday morning, from his favorite Lazy-boy recliner in the middle of his man cave, when she yelled at the top of her lungs, "It's twenty to eight!"


"For who?" asked the salesman sleepily.  "Denver or Seattle?"


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need to establish priorities and stick to them in order to achieve their goals.   That's why between now and Super Bowl Sunday, sales professionals everywhere will be scaling back their usual activities and resting up for the big game.   Remember if you find yourself a little bit tired during the big game, add in a couple cups of coffees between beers.   Enough caffeine and you can stay awake through anything.  Don't give being able to get into work the following Monday a second thought.  Vegas odds are 9 - 4 against any salesmen making in on time Monday anyway.   Statistically,  the Monday after the Super Bowl is one of the biggest sick days of the year, and every knows only losers bet against the odds.   In fact, a pair of medical doctors have researched the situation and have almost officially named this new disease, NFLuenza.


"You may not win the Super Bowl.  Your kids may not go on to be doctors and lawyers and everything may not go perfectly.  That doesn't mean it was a bad plan or the wrong thing.  It's just like a football season.  Everything's not going to go perfect."         -  Tony Dungy

Sales Joke of the Day (January 29) The Pearly Gates Quiz.

Three salesmen died in a car crash, because of blowing and blinding snow, on their way to the Super Bowl.   Since their lives were cut short by an act of nature, all went to heaven where St. Peter quizzed each one.


"What's your IQ?" St Peter asked the first salesman.


"210," the first salesman replied.


"Maybe we can get together with Einstein next week and discuss what you think of his Theory of Relativity," suggested St. Peter.


St Peter turned to the second salesman, "What's your IQ?"


"170," the second salesman replied.


"How would you like to meet Steve Jobs and discuss the future of the personal computer in the age of the smartphone?"  asked St Peter.


St. Peter turned to the third salesman, "What's your IQ?"


"40" replied the third salesman.


"Hey, how about those Seattle Seahawks?" asked St Peter.  "How do you like their chances this weekend?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to keep yourself up to date on a wide variety of conversational topics.  A limited vocabulary or a small number of life experiences, will limit your ability to connect with others.   Such a limitation will make it nearly impossible to score any big deals because you're pinned down to just a few topics of conversation within a limited potential customer pool.    Kind of like the Seattle Seahawks facing third and ten on their own 5 yard line.   You might as well punt now, just to get it over with.


"Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority."      -  Vince Lombardi

Sales Joke of the Day (January 28) The Lost Watch.

Late at night, a drunken salesman was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something.  A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help.

"What is it you have lost?" asked the good Samaritan.

"My watch," replied the drunken salesman.  "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch.

"Where exactly did you trip?"  asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunken salesman.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

"Because," exclaimed the drunken salesman, "the light's a lot better here!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to go beyond the easy.  In sales if all you do is stick with the familiar, only fish where you've fished before, sell only install base accounts, or only look where it's light; you may never find what you're looking for.   Elusive markets, prospects and niche sales plays are discovered by the bold, who, instead of sticking to well traveled, well lit paths, have the courage to venture into the new.  They blaze new trails, discover new markets and sometimes even forge new industries.   These entrepreneurial sales professionals far outsell their less adventurous counterparts and their commission checks get lit up as a result.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." 
                                                                                                     -  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Reunion.

A salesman and his wife were sitting at a table at her fortieth high school reunion.  The salesman kept staring at a drunken guy sitting alone at a nearby table and eventually asked his wife:  "Do you know him?"


"Yes," she replied.  "He is my old boyfriend.  I understand he started drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and apparently he hasn't been sober since."


"Wow!" exclaimed the salesman.  "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals always make it a habit to go to all of their reunions.  Not only do reunions provide great networking opportunities but they can be very motivational as well.  Invariably, no matter how bad you are doing, it just takes one poor sap to be doing worse than you,  to make you feel good about yourself.   And a positive mental attitude is key to your future success.


"I was eating lunch at a Chinese restaurant downtown.  There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion.  It's chicken and eggs.  And I said, I gotta use that one."      -      Paul Simon

Sales Joke of the Day (January 27) The Frenchman.

An American salesman in Paris, was at a cafe in Charles de Gaulle airport, having croissants with butter and jam when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sat down next to him.


The American, politely tried to ignore the Frenchman, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.  The Frenchman snapped his gum and asked,  "You American folks eat the whole bread?"


The American frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, but still replied, "Of course."


The Frenchman blew a huge bubble, "We don't!  In France monsieur, we eat only what's on the inside.  The crusts, we collect them, we recycle them, then we transform them into croissants and we sell them to Americans."  The Frenchman now had a huge smile on his face as he blew another huge bubble.


The American continued to listen in silence as the Frenchman persisted.  "Do you eat jam with your bread in America, monsieur?"  probed the Frenchman.


Sighing, the American replied, "Of course."


Snapping a bubble between his teeth, the Frenchman exclaimed, "We don't monsieur.  In France we eat only fresh fruit for breakfast.  Then we put all the peelings, seeds and leftovers in containers, we recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Americans!"


The American leaned over towards the Frenchman, lowered his voice and asked, "In France, your men make a lot of love don't they?"


"But of course monsieur!"  exclaimed the Frenchmen.  "We are known world wide for our romantic ways with the ladies."


The American leaned in a little bit closer to the Frenchman and asked a little bit more quietly, "And what do you do with your condoms afterwards?" 
 

"Why monsieur, we throw them away of course!" replied the Frenchman.


Now it was the American's turn to smile.  "We don't.  In America, we collect them, recycle them, we put them in a large container, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to France."   Looking at the brand of gum in the Frenchman's pocket, the American added, "Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales overseas, when discussing products, you should never use the country of origin as a reason for buying.  National pride might become a factor if you do, and you could lose the sale as a result.   Like gum, stuck to the bottom of your shoe, once national pride enters into a conversation, the result could get real messy.   Stick to product features and benefits and really get your prospects to chew on the real value of what your company brings to the table.   You should have the sale wrapped up in no time.   Last, if you're trying to make a favorable impression during the sales process, whether overseas or at home, don't chew gum.   Unless of course, you're selling to Wrigley's.


"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."                -     Emo Philips

Sales Joke of the Day (January 26) Cold Calling.

The salesman phoned up a local law firm and asked to speak with Mr. Hanson, his ex-wife's lawyer.


"I'm sorry," said the law firm's receptionist, "but Mr. Hanson died last night."


Ten minutes later the phone rang again.  The same voice asked:  "Can I speak to Mr. Hanson, my ex-wife's lawyer?"


"I'm afraid that's not possible," said the receptionist.  "As I told you a few minutes ago, Mr. Hanson died last night."


Ten minutes later the phone rang again.  The same voice said:  "I'd like to speak with Mr. Hanson, my ex-wife's lawyer."


"Look," said the receptionist, "I've told you twice already, Mr. Hanson is dead.  Why do you keep calling?   Don't you understand?"


"Sure I understand," replied the salesman.  "I just enjoy hearing you saying it over and over again."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales, persistence is a requirement;  persistence and lots of cold calling.  The true art of selling gets painted when one determines just how many times one tries to call in, before getting a sale, or getting the brush off.


"Every calling is great when greatly pursued."      -  Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sales Joke of the Day (January 25) The Midway.

A rich, handsome salesman took a beautiful young woman on a first date to the county fall fair.  They started out at the midway and went on about half a dozen rides.  After which, the salesman asked the beautiful young woman, "What would you like to do next?"


"Get weighed," she replied.


The salesman thought that this was a strange request, but he took his date over to the weighing booth.  After, they went on a few more rides before he asked again, "What do you want to do next?"


"Get weighed," she said.


"What again?" 


"Get weighed," she repeated.


By now, the young salesman was convinced his date was seriously weird, so he made an excuse in order to take her home early.  Her mother wasn't expecting her back so soon.  "What is it, dear?" she asked.  "Didn't you have a nice time tonight?"


"Wousy," replied her daughter.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be great at negotiating.  Sometimes this means you need to meet your prospects midway.  Be careful though, listen very carefully and make sure you understand what they are really saying.   Who knows?   You might already have a done deal and not even know it.


"The artist forges himself to others, midway between the beauty he cannot do without and the community he cannot tear himself away from.  That is why true artists scorn nothing:  they are obliged to understand rather than judge.    -  Albert Camus

Sales Joke of the Day (January 24) The Sales Interview.

Four salesman - a Californian, a Texan, a Bostonian and a New Yorker - were being interviewed for a prestigious sales job with a large multi-national company.  There was nothing to choose between them, each was highly qualified,  so the company president told them over dinner at a luxurious hotel that he would be conducting the decisive test the following morning.  Each candidate would be asked the same question and the one who came up with the best answer would get the job.

First in the following morning was the Californian.

"Here is your question," said the president.  "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

Scarcely hesitating, the Californian replied:  "A thought, because it takes no time at all.  It happens right there in your mind, in an instant, and then it's gone again."

"That's a very good answer," replied the president.

Next in was the Texan.   "What is the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

"A blink," replied the Texan instantaneously, "because you don't even think about a blink.  It's a reflex."

"That's a fine answer," replied the president.

Next in was the Bostonian.  "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

The Bostonian thought for a second.  "I'd say electricity, because you can flip a switch and immediately ten miles away a light will go on."

"That's an excellent answer," replied the president.

Finally it was the turn of the New Yorker.  "What is the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.

The New Yorker scratched his head and replied, "Diarrhea, because last night after dinner I was lying on the bed when I got these terrible stomach cramps and before I could think, blink or turn on the light....."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you need to always respond with the truth.   Sometimes, the answer will be a "sheety" one; but if it is the truth, before your prospect can think, blink or turn on a light; they'll realize that you are honest and sincere.   Customers know that sincerity builds trust, and instinctively people like working with people they know they can trust over the long haul.

OR,    Sometimes you can give a real "sheety" answer in an interview and still get the job!

"Sincerity makes the very least person to be of more value than the most talented hypocrite."                                                                               -  Charles Spurgeon

Sales Joke of the Day (January 23) The Ugly Dog.

A little salesman walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.


"Look at that silly dog," sneered a burly guy with a rottweiler.  "Look at that long nose and those stumpy little legs.  That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen."


"Yeah?" said the little salesman bravely.  "But he's real mean."


"Mean?  Don't make me laugh!" exclaimed the burly guy with rottweiler.  "I'll bet you my rottweiler can finish off your ugly mutt in two minutes!"


"Okay.  You're on!" replied the little salesman.


The dachshund and the rottweiler lined up nose to nose, then the dachshund suddenly lunged forward and bit the rottweiler in half.  


The burly guy couldn't believe it.  "What kind of a dog is that?"  he growled.


"Well," replied the little salesman.  "Before I cut his tail off, he was a crocodile."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales it's always better to under promise and over deliver.  In other words, always make sure that your bite is worse than your bark.


"You gotta be really careful what you bite off. Don't bite off more than you can chew. It's a dangerous world."  - Ozzy Osbourne

Sales Joke of the Day (January 22) Impulse Shopping.

Looking for something new and different at lunchtime, a salesman wandered into a newly opened magic shop.  "I want a fun present for myself," he said to the clerk behind the counter.


The shop owner produced a special pair of glasses.  "They're 1,000 dollars," stated the shop owner, "but, believe me, they're worth it!  When you wear them, you can see people naked."


The salesman tried them on and, sure enough, the shop owner appeared naked.  And when his pretty female co-worker walked by, outside the shop, she appeared naked too.  When the salesman took the glasses off, everyone was fully clothed.


"They're incredible!" said the salesman.  "I'll buy them!"


The salesman left the shop, wearing his glasses, and headed back towards his office.  Everyone he passed along the way was naked;  pretty girls, old women, men with beer bellies, traffic cops, everyone.  He was so delighted with his purchase, the salesman thought he'd surprise his wife.  So, before heading back to the office, he stopped by his home first.  He was still wearing his new magic glasses when he walked into the living room.  There were his wife and his best friend, sitting on the sofa completely naked.


"Hi and surprise!" the salesman exclaimed as he removed his magic glasses.  But his best friend and his wife were still naked.


"Look at that," moaned the salesman, "A thousand dollars for a pair of magic glasses and after just a half an hour they're broken!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to have extraordinary vision.  They need to be able to see the world through their customers eyes.   True sales professionals also need to be able to see into the future to accurately predict industry trends and align their customers accordingly.  This sort of extraordinary vision cannot be bought in novelty shops.  This type of vision has to be built up over time and forged with hard work, personal research and experience.    Without this finely tuned sense of business vision, your customers and prospects will see you as being naked, and eventually you'll end up so poor you won't even be able to afford to put a shirt on your back.


So instead of going out and buying a pair of magic glasses for $1,000, go out and buy a fancy new suit instead.  You'll look successful, you'll feel more confident and you'll sell more too!    In addition, if you're wearing a brand new suit when you show up at home early to find your best friend and your wife naked on your couch; you'll be already dressed up for divorce court, where your new suit is sure to make a favorable impression on the judge.


"Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others."       -   Jonathan Swift

Sales Joke of the Day (archives) The Playoffs.

The salesman had been invited to his sister's place to watch the football playoff games on their big screen TV.   When he arrived his nephew ran to the front door to greet him with a big hug.

"I'm so glad to see you Uncle!" shouted his nephew.   "You're not carrying anything are you?"

"No, I'm not carrying anything, Jimmy," replied the salesman.

"So, does that mean you're empty-handed then?"  asked Jimmy.

"Well, yes, I guess it does," replied the salesman, somewhat bewildered.  "Why do you ask?"

"Now Daddy can do the trick he's been promising to do all week!"  exclaimed little Jimmy.

"Trick?" asked the salesman.  "What trick?"

"Daddy has been telling Mommy all week that he would be climbing the walls if you showed up here empty handed again!" replied little Jimmy.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they must adhere to all forms of social convention.   If you are invited to a party or a get together during the football playoffs, it's customary to bring something.  Either something to drink, like a bottle of fine wine, or a case of expensive beer, or perhaps a snack food item to enhance everyone's enjoyment of the game.   Or, perhaps a bucket of chicken, a couple of pizzas, a few bags of potato chips and salsa, chicken wings, a plate of pigs in a blanket, a fondue with cheese, an assortment of meat, scallops and all the fixings, any of these items will help make the celebration a little more festive.   You don't want to get the reputation of being a freeloader.   Such a personal foul will cost you a lot more than 15 yards and an automatic first down.  Such a personal foul could prevent you from advancing in your career.

"One of the biggest things you have is your reputation and your reputation with knowing what's good and what's not good."           -    Paul Feig

Sales Joke of the Day (January 21) New Twist on the Meaning of "HOTmail"

An Illinois salesman left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P. S.   SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals understand that in order to be successful at sales they need to be accurate with their emails.   Failure to ensure that you know, and correctly identify and personalize your targets, plus, failure provide them with information of value, could be considered spam.  Being considered a spammer, one who sends out meaningless promotions to folks they don't know, could have a big negative impact on your ability to send real emails to real potential prospects in the future.  Several mail servers could 'blacklist' you and that could have a real negative impact on your future earnings.

"Think about spam filters; if email didn't come from someone that someone you know knows, that's an important signal, and one we could embed in the environment; we just don't.  I just want the world to be filtered through my social graph."      -  Clay Shirky

Sales Joke of the Day (January 20) The Recommendation.

The salesman had worked for the company 14 years, when one day he was suddenly notified that he and and a number of his colleagues were being let go.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," the salesman told his HR manager, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources manager agreed and said he'd have the letter ready for the salesman the next day.

The following morning, Bob found the letter on his desk.  It read,

"Bob worked for our company for fourteen years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales you will often need letters of recommendation.   Since letters of recommendation always seem to be available when you don't need them, and very scarce when you do, the wise sales veteran makes a habit of always collecting them.   Letters of recommendation, get them while you can, because you just never know.

"There's always a great deal of business to be transacted in one's office.  There are always visitors it seems to me, an unending stream of them, who come with letters of recommendation, or come actually on substantive business."     -     David K. E. Bruce

Sales Joke of the Day (January 19) The Drive Thru.

After visiting a friend in the hospital, the salesman decided to stop by a fast-food drive-through for lunch.  He ordered the #1 combo (hamburger, fries, and a coke) for $4.29... no biggie size.


When confirming my order, the clerk said, "Your total is $4.83, please drive forward."


"$4.83?" the salesman thought, "for a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right."


The salesman's mind quickly began to calculate... tax is 8 cents on the dollar, and with $4.29 that would be 35 cents max.  The salesman had heard about workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves, so he was beginning to get suspicious.


The salesman then got a pen and paper and did the long division (since there were 2 cars ahead of him). 483 divided by 429... He had been charged over 12 percent tax!   When he got to the window he handed the clerk a 5 and asked, "Do you know what the sales tax is here?"


The clerk didn't know.  The salesman said, "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right--can I talk to the manager?" The clerk gave the salesman his change and called the manager.


When the manager came over, the salesman asked,  "What is the sales tax?"


The manager replied,  "It was 8 percent." 


"I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal--that's over 12 percent sales tax" the salesman exclaimed.


The manager got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged the salesman for the biggie size (even though the biggie upgrade was 35 cents--which would put the total over $5).


The manager quickly checked the figures, and when coming to the same conclusion as the salesman, she opened the drawer and gave him his additional change.


"Good job!" the salesman thought to himself.   "All my wonderful education has heightened my mental mathematical adeptness so that I can do percentages in my head, and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."


The salesman took the twenty cents the manager handed him and, proud of his staggering genius, smugly drove off... without his food.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to be exacting at mathematics, but to be successful at any single transaction you must never let an obsession with numbers cloud your judgment or diminish your ability to execute.


"Obvious is the most dangerous word in mathematics."     -  E.T. Bell

Sales Joke of the Day (January 18) The Dinner Invite.

A salesman was invited to a dinner party being held by one of his co-workers.  During the meal, the four year old daughter of one of his co-workers was staring at him unceasingly.  In fact she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.


The salesman checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing he did, could stop the four year old girl from staring at him.  Finally the salesman's patience was exhausted.  


"Why are you staring at me?" asked the salesman.


Everyone else at the table had noticed the young girl's focus on the salesman, and all went quiet to hear her response.


The little girl replied, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you need to have a good reputation.  If your reputation isn't a good one, it will not only precede you, it will cost you sales.


"You can't buy a good reputation; you must earn it."     -  Harvey Mackay

Sales Joke of the Day (January 17) Par For the Course.

A salesman was out golfing with three of his long time friends from high school.   They were having a great time, when all of a sudden the salesman felt a horrific sharp pain shoot from his wrist, up his arm and to his chest.   He had never experienced pain like this before.  Every inch of his body simultaneously seized or cramped, he couldn't talk as the horrible, searing pain took his legs out from under him.  He slumped into a heap at the beginning of the tenth hole.


Lucky for the salesman, one of his high school friends was a doctor, who recognized early on that the salesman was experiencing a heart attack.   The doctor immediately loosed the collar on the salesman's golf shirt and started CPR, he told his buddy to call the clubhouse and have them rush the defibrillator out to the tenth hole immediately.  The last member of the foursome was instructed to call 911 immediately and have them send an ambulance.


Within a couple of minutes the defibrillator arrived and in the doctor 's expert hands, saved the salesman.  The ambulance arrived shortly after that, and the salesman along with the doctor were whisked away to the hospital.   Some tests were run on the salesman, and the doctor performed a bypass operation later that afternoon.


Four weeks later the salesman and his buddies were back on the golf course again.  At the first tee, the salesman shook the doctor's hand and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.  But I thought you would like to know that as a result of your quick thinking that saved my life, that you are now mentioned in my will."


"That is very, very, kind of you," replied the doctor.  "May I see the copy of the prescription I last gave you?  I'd like to make a little change."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at sales they need to make certain that everyone in their immediate circle is paid their due.   From large sums of money to mere gratitude; bills left unpaid can not only cost you future business, but they can sully your reputation and destroy friendships.  Remember, in the long run, what you put out to the world, you eventually get back.  So why not distribute nothing but your best?


"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that each step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."     -  Brian Tracy