Sales Joke of the Day (March 21) The Grand Opening.

It was the day of a big Grand Opening sale at a new store in a small town.  Rumors of the Grand Opening sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for a long line that formed by 9:00am, the new store's opening time.


An elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.  On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked down, then thrown to the end of the line again.


As he got up, he said to the person standing at the end of the line, "That does it!  I'm the sales manager!  If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to perpetually open up new accounts.   Looking for a way to get that Grand Opening into a new account can make for some pretty rough times.   Nobody will be rolling out a big red carpet to welcome you in.   No, you will have to scratch and claw your way, through tough competition, to force your way in.   Count on getting knocked down.  How often you get back up and get back in the game is up to you!


"It's not how many times you get knocked down that count, it's how many times you get back up."     -  George A. Custer 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 21) The Weight-Loss Clinic.

Finally admitting he was grossly overweight, the salesman decided it was time to take advantage of a special introductory offer from a new weight-loss clinic in town.  After handing over his payment he was shown into an empty room, where he was joined by a gorgeous blond.  "Hi," she said.  "If you catch me, I'm yours."

After an hour a buzzer rang and the gorgeous blond left the room.  The salesman while disappointed, realized that after the prolonged chase he'd lost ten pounds in the process.   Two days later he'd lost another 10 pounds chasing a brunette, and two days later another 8 pounds chasing a redhead.  All three attempts were unsuccessful, but the salesman was feeling his stamina coming back and the speed from his youth returning. 

Still fifty pounds overweight, and seeing the a special offer on a two-hour "Samoan Special" the salesman decided to sign up for the clinic's "most drastic weight-loss program."

The salesman was eagerly waiting in an empty room knowing that with a two hour time limit his luck would change.  Then the door opened and in came a three hundred and fifty pound Samoan guy, who grinned and said, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

Moral of the story.   Sales professionals know that in order to bring their "A" game on a regular basis they need to stay in top physical condition.   Sometimes though, whether it's the weather (winter), illness, travel or hectic schedules; we can let our exercise routines slide.  And that is never a good thing.  When it comes to our workouts, I'm sure we could all use "Somemoa!" 


"I'm losing my hair.  I'm overweight.  It's not like that's at the top of the list when women go looking for a man.  It's like complete collapse, every year."  -  Graydon Carter

Sales Joke of the Day (March 21) The Gun Shop.

A woman walked into a gun shop and asked for help in choosing a rifle.  "It's for my boyfriend," she said.

"Okay," said the sales clerk.  "Did he say what caliber he wanted?"

"No, he didn't," said the woman.  "In fact, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him yet!"

"Well, if that's the case," replied the salesman.  "This one here should do just fine.  I'll even throw in this box of bullets for free!"

Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that if a sale goes along too smoothly, something is up.   "Aruas" surprised as I was in this situation that more qualifying questions weren't asked?   A high caliber sales person always verifies how their product or service is going to be used by the prospect and what their full expectations of that product or service are before completing the sale.   By doing so, it gives the sales person the ability to keep their prospect's expectations of what benefits they'll receive from their purchase on target.

"Long time no see.  I pray only that the caliber of your questions has improved." 
                                                             - Kevin Smith

Sales Joke of the Day Shoe Sales. (Please Share)

Two shoe salespeople, Rob and Will,  were sent to Africa to open up new markets. 


Three days after arriving, Rob called his sales manager and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. I can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."


At the same time Will sent an email to the factory, stating, "The prospects are unlimited here!  Nobody at all is wearing shoes here yet!  Get ready to ramp up production boys!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that nine times out of ten, your sales results are a direct reflection of how you see the market, your attitude about your own sales abilities and your vision of the future.  If you are facing a new sales situation, make sure that you have a strong Will to succeed.  Don't let your own insecurities Rob you of success.


"We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started."   -  Henry Ward Beecher

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Sales Joke of the Day (March 20) The Rat Race.

Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor from the University of Utah was getting tired of the trade show floor and all the salesmen.  So he decided to take the afternoon off to do some shopping.  Wandering into a little antique shop, he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price.

"I have to tell you the truth," said the proprietor.  "I've sold that piece twice and it's been returned twice, so I'll let you have it for four hundred dollars.  It's very old."

The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm.  Not much later he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters.  A little while later the rats had swelled in number to several thousand, and it became evident they were following him!  The doctor's astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east.  When the doctor reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief, the horde of rats followed it to a watery death.

The next morning the doctor was the very first customer in the antique shop.

"No way, buddy, I'm not taking that brass rat back for a third time," said the owner.

"Relax," said the doctor.  "I'm not looking to bring anything back.  Do you by any chance have a brass salesman?"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that at trade shows and conventions you need to stand out from the crowd.  Don't just glad hand and hand out brochures.  Take a genuine interest in everyone that drops by.  Ask questions.  Find out where they're from.  Find out what they were hoping to gain from the show and if there is anything specific they were looking for.  Then simply try to be of assistance, even if what they are looking for has nothing at all to do with your product.   Beware however.   If a pack of sales reps starts to form after the regular show hours and it heads in one direction.   Don't follow!   They could be headed to the river.  Or the local watering hole where they'll just be drowning their sorrows.  Besides, your time is much better spent in the company of prospective clients and current customers.


"The trouble with the rate race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."   - Lily Tomlin

Sales Joke of the Day (March 20) The Sticky Note On The Fridge.

The salesman's wife left a sticky note on the fridge . . . . . . . . "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore: I've gone to stay at my mothers!"

After a long day on the road.   The salesman came home, read the note, and opened the fridge.   The fridge light came on and his  beer, well, it was still cold.   The salesman wondered to himself, "What's her problem?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed you not only have to be passionate about your products or service, but you also have to have compassion for your prospects and customers.   Dealing with the high stress of quotas and customer complaints, day in day out, can cause some sales people to became insensitive.   They can became insensitive to others needs and feelings.   For a professional salesperson this can be disastrous.  A healthy income in sales is based on the preservation of healthy relationships.  If you start losing relationships; you start to lose income.  Staying sensitive to others just makes cents.

"What a man does for pay is of little significance.  What he is, as a sensitive instrument responsive to the world's beauty, is everything!"         -   H.P. Lovecraft  

Sales Joke of the Day (March 20) The Bathroom Scale

The salesman was standing on the bathroom scale, desperately holding his stomach in.  His wife, thinking he was trying to reduce his weight remarked, "I don't think that helps."


"It sure does," asserted the salesman.  "It's the only way I can read the numbers."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that in order to succeed in sales, they need to stay in shape.   If you're fit, you have the stamina required to tackle the busiest or the most stressful day a sales career can throw at you.   So, if you're on the road a lot and need to eat at restaurants, remember to make healthy food choices.   The reason it's called fast food, isn't because you can start eating in minutes.   It's because "fast" is what you have to do after you eat it, in order to keep your weight down.


"The best measure of man's honesty isn't his income tax return.  It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."        -  Arthur C. Clarke

Sales Joke of the Day (March 19) The Policeman.

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.


"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, the customer must always be number one.   If one disagrees with this principle, perhaps they should consider another career.


"We live in an era where pizza show up faster than the police."   -  Claude Chabrol

Sales Joke of the Day (March 19) Herding Snails.

A salesman and his wife were having a dinner party for all the high society people in town.  To show how classy they were, his wife decided at the very last minute that snails should be served, but all the stores were closed.  So, she asked husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.  Very grudgingly, the salesman agreed.  He took the bucket and walked out the door, down the steps and out to the beach.  As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little farther down the beach.


The salesman kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come over here and start talking to me?"  He went back to gathering snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.  They got to talking and she invited him back to her apartment a little ways down the beach.  When they got there, they started fooling around.  It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out. 

At six thirty the next morning the salesman woke up and yelled, "Oh my gosh!  My wife's dinner party!  She is going to kill me!"  He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran out the door.  He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.  As he started up the stairs, he dropped his bucket of snails.  Snails went flying and were all over the stairs.   Just then the door opened, and his wife was standing there, wondering where he had been all this time.

The salesman looked at the snails scattered on the steps, then he looked at his wife, then back at the snails and said:  "Come on little guys, we're almost there!"

Moral of the story.  It's almost the end of the quarter.   As a professional salesperson I want you to ask yourself if you have been wasting too much time this past few weeks on small deals that aren't going anywhere?  Leave these "snail" prospects in the sand where there belong!  Start looking for bigger game.  Start fishing in deeper waters.  There are whales out there, and sure they're hard to land.  You may never even catch one. 

But how will you know if, instead of casting a few times, you waste all your time on the beach, with a bucket, herding snails?


"By perseverance the snail reached the ark."   -  Charles Spurgeon

Sales Joke of the Day (March 19) The Counterfeit.

The banknote salesman was sent to prison for going into business for himself part-time.   While behind bars, the warden made arrangements for the salesman to learn a trade.  In no time, the salesman became known as one of the best carpenters in the area.  He often got day passes to do woodworking jobs for people in town.

When the warden started remodeling his kitchen, he called the salesman, now carpenter, into his office and asked him to build and install new cabinets and counter tops.

The salesman refused.

"Gosh, I'd really like to help you," the salesman replied, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales, they have to be themselves rather than someone else.  They need to be genuine, not counterfeit.  Remember, always be true to yourself, your values, your principles and your beliefs.  The perspective you bring to any situation is unique and just as valuable as anyone else's point of view.   Stick up for yourself!   Never let anyone else holdup your own sense of self worth.   For if you do counterfeit yourself, you'll end up in your own prison.  And that would truly be the toughest sentence of them all.

"True glory takes root, and even spreads;  all false pretenses, like flowers, fall to the ground;  nor can any counterfeit last long."    -  Marcus Tullius Cicero

Sales Joke of the Day (March 18) Collared.

A salesman sought medical aid because he had sore, popping eyes, couldn't see well and had a ringing in his ears.  A doctor looked the salesman over and suggested removal of his tonsils.  The operation resulted in no improvement, so the salesman consulted another doctor, who suggested the removal of his teeth.  His teeth were extracted, but the salesman's eyes still popped and the ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You've got six months to live." 

So the doomed salesman thought he would treat himself right while he still could.  The salesman bought himself a flashy car and hired himself a chauffeur.  He then went to the best tailor in town to make him a few custom suits.  The salesman even decided to order a dozen shirts that would be made-to-order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements.  Hmm, 35 sleeve, 16 collar - "

"Fifteen," the salesman said.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a 15 collar," said the salesman.

"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm warning you.  You keep wearing a 15 collar, and your eyes will pop and you'll have a ringing in your ears."

Moral of the story.   While you may not always be feeling your best, sales professionals know you must always try to be looking your best.  Custom suits and custom shirts are well worth the investment.  They'll add to your confidence and your professional image.  Besides, when you buy custom, you'll be buying American, so you'll be helping out with our economic recovery at the same time.  


"A man in a well tailored suit will always shine brighter than a guy in an off-the-rack suit."     
                                                             -  Michael Kors

Sales Joke of the Day (March 18) The Divorce.

The salesman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce. 


"What grounds do you have sir?" asked the attorney.


"About six acres," replied the salesman.


"No, I don't think you quite understand.  Let me rephrase the question.  Do you have a grudge?" asked the attorney.


"No, just a parking space."


"I'll try again.  Does your wife beat you up?" asked the attorney.


"No, I always wake up before she does."


The attorney soon realized he was fighting a losing battle.  "Sir, are you sure you want a divorce?"


"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," replied the salesman.  "My wife does.  She claims we don't communicate!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they have to be great communicators.   They understand that they not only have to be able to ask great questions, they also have to be able to listen and fully respond to questions from others in order to have an engaging conversation; or avoid having a conversation about divorce.


"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say."   
                                                       -  Bryant H. McGill

Sales Joke of the Day (March 18) The Brush Off.

A toothbrush manufacturer was in the market for a new sales rep.   They had a posting up for awhile with no takers.  Not too many people want to sell toothbrushes these days especially when they are so readily available at retail stores like Walmart and pharmacies.

Alas, they did get one applicant who actually showed up for the interview.  But he just didn't look like a professional salesperson.  His shoes were worn, he looked like he was starving and his suit was falling apart at the seams.  This rep could barely see through his coke-bottle glasses and he even spoke with a lisp.

But the sales manager wasn't getting other takers for the position so "Lucky," as he was known around the office, got hired.

The first day on the job the sales manager sent Lucky out on the road with a wooden table and huge box of 500 toothbrushes in a wide variety of colors, shapes and sizes.   He told Lucky not to come back into the office until they were all sold.  He also sent him out with his commission in advance of $500 or $1 per toothbrush.  The selling price was set at $2.50.   The last sales rep to take on this challenge never came back to the office, kept his commission, and his lifetime supply of toothbrushes.

Lucky thanked his boss for the great opportunity and told him he'd be back soon.   The boss felt a little guilty for sending this guy out into a no win situation with little chance of success but what else could he do?

The next morning the boss arrived at work only to see Lucky already there with a grin on his face and $1,250. in his hands.  "Here you go boss," said Lucky.   "Sold out!   I'll have to move to a new spot today but I think I can do a bit better."   The sales manager didn't know what to say.   He packed up 1000 toothbrushes for Lucky to sell and sent him on his way.

The sales manager was suspicious.   No one could sell 500 toothbrushes in a day!    He had to figure out what Lucky was up to!   Lucky had told him he'd be setting up at the Mall just outside of town so the manager thought he'd check up on his star rep later in the afternoon.

When he got to the Mall, sure enough there was Lucky.   It looked like he had already sold through 500 toothbrushes and was well into the second box.   When the manager approached the table, Lucky greeted him with a smile and said hey boss pretty good day so far.  You owe me $612 dollars already!

The sales manager was dumbfounded when he got up to Lucky's display table.  He noticed a bowl of chips beside a small bowl of brown dip.    "Hey Lucky what is this display all about?" he asked. 

"Just chips and a little dip boss!  Would you like to try one?"

"Sure Lucky!" replied his sales manager. 
  
"Would you like some dip with that boss?"

"Sure Lucky.  Thanks Lucky.   Awwww!   This stuff is awful this dip tastes like **c-r-a-p**!"

"That's what it is boss!   100% liquefied horse **c-r-a-p**!    Want to buy a toothbrush?"
 

Moral of the Story.    Pure economic theorists would say that it is impossible to create demand.   Desperate sales professionals know otherwise.


"Treat your password like your toothbrush.  Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months."    -  Clifford  Stoll

Sales Joke of the Day (March 18) Keep It Down In Front.

On a visit to a movie theater, a salesman was struggling to hear the dialogue above the chatter of two young women sitting directly in front of him.  Unable to bear it any longer, he tapped one of the women on the shoulder.


"Excuse me," he said, I can't hear."


"I should hope not," replied one of the young women sharply.  "This is a private conversation."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that your ability to hear doesn't really have an impact on your sales success.   It's your ability to listen that counts.  If you are not aware of any difference between "hear" and "listen" you may want to "tune up" your listening skills a bit.   Can you hear me?


"Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly."      - Plutarch

Sales Joke of the Day (March 17) A Guinness Record?

Finnegan, a sales manager, arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”


“Where’s my husband?” cried Mrs. O'Malley.


“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery," replied Finnegan.


“Oh, no!” cried Mrs. O'Malley.


“I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”


Mrs. O’Malley collapses into a chair and cried,  “How did it happen?”


“He was giving some prospective customers a tour of the plant, slipped on some stairs, fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned," explained the sales manager.


“Oh my, no!  Did he at least go quickly?”


“Well, not exactly Mrs O'Malley.  Seamus managed to get himself out of the vat three times to pee.  And he did manage to close the sale before going under for the last time.”

 
Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to be able to give great presentations.   For some, a tour of your facilities can go a long way to establish credibility with prospects and closing the deal.  But these tours have to be planned and well rehearsed.  You want to make these tours quick, crisp and to the point.  Remember, don't dive too deep into details, or your sure sale could slip into a sink or swim situation.


"You've got to think lucky.  If you fall into a mudhole, check your back pocket - you might have caught a fish."                -   Darrell Royal 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 17) St. Patrick's Day.

It was the fifth week of a twelve week sales course.  Chapter 9 on "Time Management" right after lunch on a Saturday, was nothing but a snorefest.   But Sheamus was determined to see it through.  Completing this sales course would provide him with credentials from PSAA or the Professional Sales Association of America.   It would mean an increase in salary and a shot at a Director position in the near future.

The professor at the front of the classroom, noticed that he was quickly losing his students' attention.  So he figured a challenge was in order to liven things up a bit.
   
"Ok folks," he said.  "I know it's St Patrick's Day and many of you would rather be home or at a local pub right now enjoying some green beer.  So here's what we're going to do.  If any one of you can name two famous Irishmen who contributed something towards the advancement of mankind, other than green beer or any other type of alcoholic beverage, I'll let class out right now so you can go out and enjoy the festivities."

Sheamus looked around the class, no one seemed to have even a guess.  

"Well then," said the prof,  "I guess I'll have to pick one of you at random so we can officially get this over with, and get back to work.   Sheamus.  Your name sounds Irish enough.  It's up to you now.   You might as well guess at it if you can."

"Why me?" Sheamus thought to himself.   And then he decided to bluff his way out.  So he confidently looked at the prof, stood up, looked around at his fellow classmates, looked back at the prof and said;  "Paddy O' Lantern and Paddy O' Furniture."

Everyone burst out laughing.   

"Class dismissed," replied the prof.

Moral of the story.     Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody.   And remember sometimes it's not what you know or who you know but who you can make laugh that counts.  And a little luck of the Irish doesn't hurt either.


"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy."                             -  William Butler Yeats

Sales Joke of the Day (March 17) The Turtle.

The salesman was having a problem getting to work on time.  One morning while driving to the office, the salesman came across a turtle in the middle of the road.  The salesman felt compelled to stop and rescue the creature.  It took him a few minutes to stop car, grab the turtle and get it to the side of the road.  He then got back into his car and sped to the office.


When he got to the office, he went directly to the sales manager and said, "Sir, it wasn't my fault, this morning, there was a huge turtle in the middle of the road."


With that, his sales manager raised his hand to signal stop.  He took a deep five second breath and bellowed, "So what  -  you drove behind it?"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed, speed is key.   The more calls you make, the more quotes you send out, the more you sell.   Sales is not for turtles.   If you want to sell, you have to come out of your shell and meet people, and to make a real impression you may need to stick your neck out.   


"Behold the turtle.  He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."    
                                                -  James Bryant Conant

Sales Joke of the Day (March 16) The Wine.

It was Sunday afternoon and the retired salesman was just enjoying spending some time with his wife.  She was sipping on a glass of wine while relaxing on the patio.


"I love you so much, I don't know however I could get along without you," exclaimed his wife.


The salesman asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
 

"Get over yourself already," she replied.  "That was me talking to the wine!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they do indeed need to "Get Over Themselves."  Sales is all about the customer, their needs, their wants and their problems.   And while a little wine might help one relax and get through tough times, a lot of whining about tough times won't help one drip.


"You can only whine for so long.  Then you need to get your life back."   - Marya Hornbacher

Sales Joke of the Day (March 16) The Elevator Pinch.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly annoyed with her husband, a salesman, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.


As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"


Bewildered, the salesman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I ----  I -----  didn't pinch that girl."


"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly.  "I did."


Moral of the story.  As a sales professional your career will have several ups and downs.  However, when you're on an crowded elevator stay focused on the task at hand.  You should be thinking about "pitches" not "pinches."  Make sure that your elevator pitch is polished.  You never want to feel that cold hard slap of reality your career might receive if your "pitch" is not well timed, positioned or received. 

Sales Joke of the Day (March 16) Pills.

The salesman was depressed when he got back from the doctor's office.


"What's the matter?" his wife asked.


"The doctor says I have to take one of these white pills every day for the rest of my life," replied the salesman.


"And what's so bad about that?" his wife inquired.


"He only gave me seven."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that everyone only gets seven.  Seven days in a week.  And it's how you use all seven that determines your success.   You can't work all seven, you won't be effective or efficient if you do that for too long.  You will burn out.    Make sure that you spend your weekend taking a break from your everyday routine.  Unwind.  Relax.  Get some exercise.   Pick up that hobby you used to have time for, if even for only an hour.   By Monday you will be refreshed and ready to charge the business world again, head on!


"It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me.   Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and some time away from them!"    -    Emily Giffin