Sales Joke of the Day (April 22) The Family Business?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”


The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”


“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”


“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” 


"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”


“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, or anything else at life, you are going to have to work for it.  Unless of course, you're able to marry into money.  By the way, if you were able to talk your way into a marriage for money, you've just sold yourself!   When it comes to sales, you're a natural!


"I grew up in a family business.... that really has provided me the core of my belief in American small business, and in America's ability to grow and operate important businesses that can compete and be successful."    -  Karen Mills

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 21) The Saleswoman.

The CIA needed to hire a new tough recruit with a real competitive sales background and street smarts for an overseas assignment.  So they decided set up a recruitment station at a sales convention in New York City.  Three sales representatives made the cut, two men and one woman.  The three were led to a local dimly lit test center and told to each sit down in one of the three chairs in the center of a small room.  One by one they were to be walked into a second sound proof room where the section chief would give them their test.


The first salesman goes into the second room for his instructions from the section chief.  "Take this gun on the table before you, and proceed into the third room.  I want you to assassinate whomever you find there.  If you don't follow through without hesitation, you are not CIA material."


The first salesman took the gun and went into the third room, where he found his wife.  Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor in the middle room, threw down his gun and quit, saying, "I can't do this!"


The second salesman went into the third room and saw his own wife.  He hesitated for a moment or two, but then he too returned to the second room and resigned.


The saleswoman now took the gun and went into the third room and saw her husband.  The section chief heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, and then silence.  Then the door to the third room opened and out came the saleswoman all bloody, and her blouse torn to shreds.  She boldly said to the section chief, "You idiot!  You gave me blanks!  I had to finish him off with the chair he was sitting on!"


Moral of the story.   If you're in sales and in a competitive situation in New York; and you just happen to be up against a saleswoman as one of your competitors; don't underestimate her.   Be afraid.   Be very, very afraid.


"For me, motivation is a person who has the capability to recruit the resources he needs to achieve a goal."     -  Arsene Wenger  

Sales Joke of the Day (April 21) Homework.

A woman went to a furniture store and bought a new self-assembly wardrobe for her bedroom.  She took it home and painstakingly put it together.  She was very pleased with her efforts until a train passed by close to her house and caused the wardrobe to collapse.  Thinking it was a freak accident, she re-assembled the wardrobe, but once again it collapsed when the next train rattled past.


So she went back to the store to complain, and the salesman agreed to personally investigate the problem.  He arrived just in time to see the wardrobe collapse once more as a train passed by.  Puzzled by the malfunction, he decided to rebuild the wardrobe and sit inside it to see if he could stop it from collapsing.


Seconds after the salesman climbed inside, the woman's husband arrived home.  Seeing the wardrobe door half open, he peered in and saw the salesman crouching inside.


"What the heck are you doing here?" the husband boomed angrily.


The salesman replied: "You're probably not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for a train."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed they should not take work home with them, or worse, follow work to someone else's home after regular business hours.  If you do continue to take your work home with you too often; that light at the end of the tunnel, will eventually be a train.


"The team that is going to win is the one that does its homework the best by studying its opponents."    -  Imran Khan

Sales Joke of the Day (April 21) The Not So "Perfect Storm".

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY:


“Delayed by storm. Send instructions.”


His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately!”

 
Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, when you are out on the road, at times you need to be independent and make decisions for yourself.  All road trips are subject to a change in the schedule without any advance warning.  Sales pros have contingency tasks and plans at hand should some time suddenly open up on their schedule at the last minute.  In short, when you're on the road and if it's in the best interests of the company, just do it!   It's always easier to ask for forgiveness once you're back in the office than it is to ask for permission or instructions ahead of time.  Show your manager that you are too dependent on him to make small decisions about your work; and that vacation he'll want you to take could end up being a permanent one.

"You can't get mad at weather because weather is not about you.  Apply that lesson to most other aspects of life."    -  Douglas Coupland

Sales Joke of the Day (April 20) The Newspaper Boy.

"Read all about it!   Read all about it!  US Economy still flat.   Read all about it!"  yelled a 14 year old kid on a street corner in downtown New York.  "Want to buy a paper Mister?"   he asked a suit stopped in his tracks by an amber street light.


"No need, kid. With the internet I have all the news I need." replied the suit.


Another suit chimes in, "Yeah kid haven't you heard the newspaper industry is dying?  It's all about supply and demand.  You better start looking for some work with a future."


The streets of New York may be tough, but this initial setback didn't stop the kid.  "If I can prove to both of you no matter what industry you two work in, you'll find information of value to you both, in the same section of our paper, will you each buy a copy?"


Both suited salesman looked at one another and simultaneously replied, "Sure kid."  


"I'm in real estate, so you better be quick, this red light is about to change,"  asserted the first.


"I sell funeral services kid.  Better luck next time."


"Wait!"  Shouted the determined youngster.  "You said it was all about supply and demand, and for the two of you it's all laid out in the Obituaries section!   "You're in real estate right?  For you the obits are a source of supply of homes and condos that need to be resold because their previous owners had died," the youth said to the first salesman.  "And for you," he said to the funeral home services salesman, "the obits are obviously a source of demand."


Before the light turned green, both sales professionals had just been sold.


Moral of the story.  No matter what product you have to sell, and no matter how bad the economy gets; it's amazing how street smarts and some creativity mixed with good old-fashioned persistence can still produce results.


"I seriously feel like the best days are ahead, and I like the idea of getting to do everything I did before but with more knowledge, experience, and street smarts.  There's a certain love, appreciation, and gratitude that you have at 40 that you don't have when you're younger, and it makes every accomplishment feel so much better."     -  Jennifer Lopez 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 20) Going Bald.

A bald salesman had a real hang-up  about his lack of hair.  He had tried all types of treatments, but without success.  Then one day he passed a barber's shop with a sign in the window that read:  "Bald men.  Your Problems Solved Instantly.  You too can have a head of hair like mine for $500."  And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. 


So the bald salesman went into the shop and asked the barber: "Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?"


"Certainly," said the barber.  "It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike."


"Okay then," said the bald salesman, handing over the money.  "Let's go for it."


The barber took the salesman's money and then shaved his own hair off.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that if an offer sounds too good to be true it probably is.  They also understand that sales professionals have an inner respect for polished sales presentations and sometimes have a hard time saying no.  Remember before purchasing anything, use all those objections you face each week.  The sales rep you're working with might just teach you something new when it comes to handling them.

"A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him."    

-  Mae West

Sales Joke of the Day (April 20) The Test.

Two young sales reps applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the sales manager.   Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The sales manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''


"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.


"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.


"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.


''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they always need to be improving their game.  While from time to time it can be a good thing to "borrow" an idea or two from others, you need to always maintain your own identity.  No one ever made it to first place by constantly following someone else.  Finding your own path to success is the true test.


"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."      -  William Shakespeare

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 19) The Petty Argument.

One Friday evening, a salesman named Harry and his wife Sarah were having a petty argument. 


After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally suggested, "Let's make a deal.  To end this pointless argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong."


Harry thought for a moment, letting his sales brain work on the matter at hand.  He then agreed to Sarah's proposal as long as she went first.


Sarah, smiled and then said to Harry, "I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong."


In response, Harry shouts happily, "You're right!"


Harry spent the rest of the weekend on the receiving end of a huge silent treatment.   Whether that was a good outcome or bad, depends on Harry's point of view of course.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in any petty argument that might develop between yourself and a prospect or customer; that it is always best to let them vent first.  The order of your questions, and statements can be very important in the encounter's outcome.  But whatever you do, don't openly declare that you are right or that they are wrong.  Because if you do, as a sales rep, you could be given the silent treatment.   And in business, from a commission standpoint, that's a very bad thing!


"Silence is argument carried out by other means."  -  Che Guevara

Sales Joke of the Day (April 19) The Night Club

A single salesman went into a night club to look for some companionship for the evening.  He sat at the bar and had a few drinks while surveying the possibilities.  He finally decided on a cute redhead who seemed to be dancing with a succession of different guys.   "Ah, some competition!" he thought to himself.  "Game on!"  So he quickly downed another drink, and made sure he was in position to ask her for the next dance.


He got it, but it was a fast dance that left him feeling light-headed after all those drinks.


"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asked the redhead afterwards.


"Oh, only two or three," she answered, adding: "And don't call me Dizzy."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know how to spot a buying signal.  When they hear one, they stop the chit chat and zero in for a trial close.   Too many sales reps these days ignore buying signals "too soon" in "their" sales process.  They have come to the illogical conclusion that they must finish their entire sales presentation before closing the deal.   Unfortunately, due to their own lack of sensitivity to where the buyer is in their buying process, they lose the deal.  In sales, it pays to be attentive.


"The moment one pays close attention to anything, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself."     - Henry Miller

Sales Joke of the Day. (April 19) Sinking sales.

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
 

“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to be a bit of a gambler.  You have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run.  But when it comes to your customers, if one of your sales sinks below their level of acceptability, don't bail on them.   Bail with them.  Work on creating a mutually acceptable resolution to the problem.  Doing so will stop you from merely treading water just to keep your career afloat.  Instead, you'll be swimming forward towards your next promotion.

"In the ocean of baseness, the deeper we get, the easier the sinking."   

-  James Russell Lowell

Sales Joke of the Day (April 18) The Bus Stop.

One day, at a bus stop there was a young woman who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.  When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step.  Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzips her skirt a little.  She still could not reach the step.


Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more.  Still she couldn't reach the step.  So, with her skirt zipper half way down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.  Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.


Seeing how embarrassed the young woman was, the salesman standing behind her, put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on the first step of the bus.  The young woman turns around furiously and says, "How dare you touch my body that way?  I don't even know you!"


Shocked the salesman replies, "Well Miss, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times I had just assumed we were friends.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals never assume that they have any sort of person relationship with their prospects.  Assuming that your personal relationship will automatically get you to the next "step" in your sales cycle is faulty thinking and can cause your opportunity or opportunities based on such misguided beliefs to just disappear into thin air.  Thinking for a moment, that some fantasy friendship-based ride will come along and just take you to the promised land of sales success, will just leave you doing nothing but waiting at the bus stop for a route that does not exist.

"I think that more and more you're going to see people of good will on their side of the aisle say you know what, we got to get off the bus here, this is not headed in the right direction."  

-  David Axelrod

Sales Joke of the Day (April 18) The Newlyweds.

A salesman and his new wife quickly realized that their marriage wasn't going to work and filed for divorce.  The judge asked them what their problem was.


The salesman replied:  "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."


The judge turned to the salesman's wife and asked: "Have you anything to say?"


She promptly responded:  "It's been six weeks, your honor."


Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that constant bickering, nagging, complaining or nitpicking can have a real draining effect on one's career.   Whether it's a boss, a spouse, or a colleague at work, these negative nanodes can take the energy right out of you.   The only cure is to unshackle yourself from such individuals immediately.  You'll get a real charge out of it!


"Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will."  - Zig Ziglar

Sales Joke of the Day (April 18) The Last Name.

The sales manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the sales manager asked.


"John," the new guy replied.


The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority" he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"


The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."


The sales manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to master the use of your prospect's first name.   Everyone pays more attention when their first name is used in conversation and it can serve to build rapport.   Overuse a prospect's first name however and you will lose credibility.  So proceed with caution and respect.


"The only thing I want to leave my children is an honorable name."  -  Theodore Roosevelt

Sales Joke of the Day (April 17) The Supermarket.

A salesman goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  He walks over to her and she greets him warmly.  He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from.  So he says, "Do I know you?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

The salesman's mind races back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from that bachelor party in Vegas where we wrestled in chocolate pudding and got a bit carried away while your partner whipped my buttocks with wet celery?"

The woman looks into the salesman's eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's fifth grade teacher."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know it's best never to assume.  If in doubt about anything, simply ask direct questions to ferret out the unknown.  Asking questions can save you time, can save you money and can even save your reputation.  Further, true sales professionals always show great taste in their selection of food; whether in private or in public.  For future reference, please note that serving chocolate pudding with wet celery is declasse.  A nice assortment of sugar cookies or wafers would be much more appropriate.

"Never assume that the obvious is true."       - William Safire

Sales Joke of the Day (April 17) The Theater.

The salesman takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 


He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 


The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 


The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know to always follow through on gratuities.  Why would you ever mess with someone who handles your food, or could get you better seating in the future?

"Promises are like babies crying in a theater, they should be carried out at once."   

- Norman Vincent Peale

Sales Joke of the Day (April 17) The Cab Ride.

Three drunk sales executives hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in just switched on the engine, idled for a minute, switched the engine off, and said "we are here."


The sales rep gave the taxi driver money.


The sales manager said "thanks."


But the Vice President of Sales slapped the cab driver on the back of the head.


The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.


So "what was that for?" asked the cab driver.


"Control your speed next time, you almost killed us." responded the VP of Sales.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, you need to celebrate your successes now and then.  But one should never over do it.   When it comes to your own energy, remember that your meter is always running.  It's always your choice whether you just stay idling in the same place or whether you focus, get busy,  and move forward.  And that just wouldn't be 'fare' to anyone.


"To have done anything just for money is to have been truly idle."  -  Henry David Thoreau

Sales Joke of the Day (April 16) The Declining Years.

"How was your game, dear?" asked the retired salesman's wife. 


"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," the retired salesman  answered. 


"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 


"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested the salesman. 


"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
 
The next day the retired salesman teed off with Scott looking on. The retired salesman swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked the salesman. 


"Yup," Scott answered. 


"Well, where is it?" yelled the salesman, peering off into the distance. 


"I forgot," his brother-in-law Scott replied.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that tomorrow never comes.   That golf game, that trip with your wife, that addition to your house that you keep putting off until someday.   Well, age catches up with all of us.  If you keep saving up for a rainy day, or putting off fun stuff until you retire, you will have wasted all that fun you could have had by living for today.   So, weather permitting, take some time off to tee off with that group of friends you haven't seen in awhile.  Get started on that project you haven't had a chance to touch yet.   Because when you get older, you may not have the ability to do some of the stuff you can today. 


"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.  Life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed."      -  Eminem

Sales Joke of the Day (April 16) Hard Times.

A very successful salesman, now millionaire, and his wife had everything money could buy.  Until the salesman had gambled on a few risky stock tips and lost everything.  He came home that night with a heavy heart and had to explain their new grim financial situation to his wife.


"Since we need to start cutting corners somewhere, Gladys," he went on, "you better learn how to cook so we can let the kitchen staff go."


The salesman's wife thought it over for a few moments before coming to grips with their new situation.  Nodding in agreement she suggested.  "Okay, George, but you better learn how to take care of me as a woman so we can fire the chauffeur."


Moral of the story.   Sales professionals know better than to invest their hard earned commissions on risky stock tips.  To ensure success, sales professionals save their money and invest in themselves.  A sales training program, or two, a year to keep yourself current in your profession, often provides a spectacular return on your investment in terms of much larger commission checks.  While an investment of time, in your family, pays huge dividends in terms of one's happiness and one's peace of mind.


"Invest three percent of your income in yourself (self-development) in order to guarantee your future."    -  Brian Tracy 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 16) The Approach.

A young sales person peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind, seemed to head back to the door, where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The Sales Manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in to his office.

"You're a salesman aren't you?  What are you selling?"

"Sir.... uh ... yes ... I'm a salesman. I'm sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I'm sure you don't want any. Sorry to have wasted your time."

Feeling sorry for the young bungler the Sales Manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said ... "You should have different preplanned approaches for different kinds of prospects."

"But I do, Sir.   The one I just used is my planned approach for Sales Managers. It always works. Thank You!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you have to be good at pre-call planning and  executing your approach.  Like a skilled chess master, a sales professional has to always be thinking three or four moves ahead.  Being able to anticipate what the other person is going to do in a given situation gives you a decided advantage in arriving at your desired outcome.  Like chess, sales requires a good opening, middle and closing game to earn the victory.  Is your game as sharp as it should be?   Chess masters are perpetually studying, researching, discovering new tactics, scouting the competition and mastering their craft in order to improve their performance and obtain a check.   Sales professionals should be doing the same, perpetual improvement, perpetually working towards their next check.


"Chess helps you to concentrate, improve your logic.  It teaches you to play by the rules and take responsibility for your own actions, how to problem solve in an uncertain environment."                           -  Gary Kasparov

Sales Joke of the Day (April 15) The Peddler.

Igor the peddler was busted for selling woolen hats without a license, and he was hauled into court along with three prostitutes who had been arraigned on the same day.

"It's all a case of mistaken identity," protested the first streetwalker to be summoned before the bench.  "I'm just minding my own business when this car pulls up - "

"Drop it," interrupted the judge, "I've seen you in this courthouse at least a dozen times before.  That will be one hundred and fifty dollars, and it will be twice that if I set eyes on you again.   Next!"

The second hooker whined, "I was just on my way to night school, Judge, to learn how to make an honest dollar, when -"

"Cut the crap," the magistrate broke in, "Two hundred and fifty bucks or ten days in jail.  You choose.  Next!"

The third woman came forward and declared, "Your Honor, I plead guilty:  I am a prostitute.  It's not the living I'd choose, but it's the only way I can make enough to feed and clothe my family, so it's what I do."

The judge smiled.  "Finally, someone who realizes a courtroom is a place to tell the truth.  to reward your honesty, young woman, I'm dismissing your case.  In fact, Mr. O'Brien" - he turned and summoned the bailiff, "make sure Miss Cardoza gets seventy-five dollars from the Policemen's Benevolent Fund.  Next?"

Up stepped Igor the peddler, who had been paying close attention to what was going on.  His street smart selling skills sensed an opportunity to score a few bucks.  "Your Honor," he said frankly, "I'm not going to lie to you either.  I'm a prostitute."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know better than to ever prostitute their or their company's reputation just to make a quick sale.  The thought that "telling the customer what they want to hear" just to close some business, whether it's true or not, is short-sighted and just plain wrong.  Trust, personal integrity and truth, if maintained, will lead to a long sales career and genuine business partnerships.  Dealing with prospects and customers honestly and fairly; pays.  It pays in terms of revenue, commissions and more additional customers through referral business.   Never underestimate the power of the truth.


"Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both."  -  Horace Mann