Sales Joke of the Day (April 12) Honesty.

A Vice President of Sales for a large insurance company was interviewing young sales reps from other firms for a new prestigious position with their company.


"I'm sure you can understand," said the Vice President of Sales to the first applicant, "that in business such as this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.  So what I need to really know is, are you an honest salesman?"


"Honest?" replied the young salesman.  "Let me tell you something about honesty and how it runs in my family.  I'm so honest, that I paid back my father all $25,000 he lent me for my education, even though at that time he was suffering from severe heart disease."  At that moment the salesman looked up and said, "Rest in peace, Pops."


"That's very impressive," said the Vice President of Sales.  Just how did you pay your father back so quickly?"


"Well, with the commissions from the term insurance I just sold him.   Dad always used to tell me that honesty was the best policy."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that because of inherent conflict of interest, it's best never to do business with close relatives.  When you stop and think about it for a moment, you'd have to give your family member a hefty discount, which means low margins and hardly any commissions, and should anything ever go wrong with the product or service you'll have to give the platinum family level of warranty.   More time and less money are not the way to riches my friends.   Avoid the turmoil, send your family to the competition, and use them to get all the info on your competitor that they can lay their hands on!


"Honesty is the best policy."          -   Benjamin Franklin


"Confidence....   thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and unselfish performance.  Without them it cannot live."     
                                                    -    Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sales Joke of the Day (April 12) The Genie

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the sales manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."


"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." 


Poof! She's gone.


In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." 


Poof! He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the sales manager. 


The sales manager replies,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of story.   Always let your boss have the first say.  They might be able to crush your wishes, but never your dreams.


"Advertising is the genie which is transforming America into a place of comfort, luxury and ease for millions."     -  William Allen White

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 11) The Sales Manager.

The sales manager stormed into the Vice President of Sales' office sharply at ten o'clock in the morning, and demanded a raise right then and there.


"Whoa, big fella," protested the Sales VP, "you already make three times more than any of your reps out there."


"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the sales manager blustered.  "Look for yourself."  The sales manager went out into the hall and grabbed  and inside sales rep on his way to the photocopier.  "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.


Five minutes later the inside sales rep returned, sweaty and out of breath.  "You're not there, sir," he reported.


"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the Vice President of Sales scratching his head.  "I would have phoned."


Moral of the story.  If you are a professional sales person and a road warrior; stay on the road.  The mediocrity and the petty politics at head office are contagious and will bog down your career if you get too close.  Stay on the road, interact with customers, stay externally focused on their needs and you will be just fine.  Whatever you do, never let anyone convince you to take a middle management position in sales.  It's like you're a dime being squeezed in a vice.  On one side of the vice are your sales reps and on the other side is the VP of sales, your boss.  You can no longer take the actions you used to as a sales rep and you don't have the ability to make the big decisions because that's the VP's job.  And both sides think that by squeezing you harder in that vice, eventually they'll be able to turn your dime into a dollar to meet all their needs and expectations. 


Oh and that ninety cents?  That difference between you the dime and the dollar's worth of expectations?  When you factor in all the hours of overtime and taxes, that ninety cents is approximately your take home pay per hour.  Anyone interested?

"If you find yourself stuck in the middle there is only one way to go, forward."  

- Richard Branson

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 11) Doc.

A salesman went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I keep calling out the names of characters from The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit in the middle of the night.  What's the matter with me?"


The doctor thought for a moment and then replied, "It sounds to me as if you've been Tolkien in your sleep."


More of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to stay at the top of their game, they need a good night's sleep.  If stress is keeping you up at night, try unwinding an hour or two before you go to bed.   That means no TV, no internet, no other forms of electronic stimulation.   Why not try a relaxing read, or perhaps a slow walk around the block to get rid of that work related tension.


"I wish life was not so short, he thought.  Languages take such a time, and so do all the things one wants to know about."  -  J.R.R. Tolkien

Sales Joke of the Day (April 11) The Waiter.

To celebrate crushing his quota in the first quarter, the salesman took some co-workers and his boss,  out to a new restaurant.   After they placed their order, the salesman noticed that the waiter who took their order, carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought out their water and utensils, the salesman noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 


"How strange?" the salesman thought to himself.  But as he looked around he saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve his soup the salesman asked, "Why does everyone have a spoon in their pocket?


"Well," explained the waiter, "the restaurant's owners hired an efficiency expert to revamp all our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."


As luck would have it, the salesman's boss dropped his spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter proudly stated. 


The salesman and his boss were impressed.   Studying the situation a little further, the salesman also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.   Looking around, he noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before the waiter walked away with their dirty dishes and brought their next course, the salesman asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" 


"Oh, certainly!" exclaimed the waiter.  Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."  


The salesman then had to ask the obvious question, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"


"Well," whispered the waiter, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales, you really need to fully understand how your prospect's company works.  Are there any non-standard or outdated processes that need to be improved upon?  Can your technology improve how your prospect's firm is doing things?  Or are things so bizarre that even the fork in the road is telling you to take the next exit, turn right, and get away from that prospect as quickly as possible. 

"A man with a silver spoon may get his share of supporters, but he can never be an inspiration for somebody!  Patience and hard work are the key to every man's success."   
                                                           -  Kailash Kher

Sales Joke of the Day (April 10) The Cat.

A salesman returns from a long road trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother's care.  The minute he lands in the States and clears customs, he calls his brother and inquires about his pet.


"The cat's dead," replies his brother bluntly.


The salesman is devastated.  "You know how much that cat meant to me," he sobs into the phone,  "Couldn't you at least have given a little thought into a nicer way of breaking that news to me?  For instance you could have said, 'Well you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on the roof, and the fire department couldn't get her down, and finally she died of exposure, or starvation or something?'  Why are you always so thoughtless?"


"Look I'm really, really, sorry," says his brother.  "I'll try to do better next time, I swear."


"Okay, let's just put this ugly incident behind us," said the high strung salesman.  "How are you anyway?  How's Mom?"


There was a brief pause, "Uh,"  the brother finally stammers,  "uh,....   Mom got out of the house one day and climbed up on the roof...."


Moral of the story.   A sales professional who travels a lot and lives alone, should know better than to get a pet.  It's not fair to the pet or the your relatives you coerce into looking after it while you are away.  Second, with the advent of the internet,  road warriors can now stay in touch with their family via email, Google phone, Hangout sessions or other forms of video chat.  With so many different ways of staying in touch, you now have no excuse not to.  When it comes to communication with family members, make sure the cat doesn't got  your tongue.


"Everything comes to those who wait.....  except a cat."    -  Mario Andretti 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 10) The Newspaper Ad.

A salesman saw an ad in his local newspaper that read:  "Purebred police dog for sale, $20."  Thinking it a bargain, the salesman rang the number and bought the dog.  But when it was delivered, he found that he had bought nothing but a mangy-looking mongrel.


So he phoned the man who have placed the ad to complain.  "How an you possibly call that scruffy mutt a purebred police dog?"


"Don't let his looks deceive you," said the man.  "He's working undercover."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that you can basically fool anyone once, with the right ad.   But real, incremental success requires an ability to generate repeat orders from the same customers.   And that, requires integrity.


"One ad is worth more to a paper than forty editorials."    -  Will Rogers

Sales Joke of the Day (April 9) Names.

"I can't believe you and Claire are splitting up," said one salesman to another at the bar after work.  "I've always though of you as the perfect couple, that you'd be together forever.  Surely you can sort things out.  It can't be that bad."


"Well," explained the second salesman, "we were driving through a red-light district last night when Claire said: "Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prostitutes, or whores or whatever you call them." And I said: 'It's Kelly.  Her name is Kelly.' "


The first salesman fell silent for a moment, and then said: "So, who do you think will get to keep the house?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you need to be able to remember people names.   Great sales people make sure they only drop those names when it is advantageous for them to do so.


"First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."  -  George Burns

Sales Joke of the Day (April 9) The Frog.

A salesman walks into a bar and orders a beer.  After a few minutes he says to the bartender, "Hey if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?"


"We'll see," said the bartender.  "I've had a lot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."


So the salesman pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of his briefcase, and puts them on the bar.  Then the hamster begins to play Chopin.


"Not bad," said the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."


"Okay, hold on," says the salesman as he pulls a frog from his briefcase.  Suddenly the frog starts singing, "My Way."


Another patron at the bar jumps up from his stool and says, "That's amazing!  I'll give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!"


"Sold!" says the salesman who exchanges the frog for cash.


The bartender then says to the salesman, "You know, it is none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog."


"Not really," said the salesman, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."


Moral of the story.  Sales professionals know that when there is money on the table, you don't take time to ask additional questions or add value statements.  You simply close the deal and walk away.   Fast.  Real fast.  


"Who doesn't love 'Frogger?'  It draws its power from our shared feeling of powerlessness.   Wherever we are now, at one time or another we have all felt the frog's anxiety in the face of the world's intransigence, its blind and callous disregard for our happiness or well-being."   
                                                             -  D. B. Weiss

Sales Joke of the Day (April 9) The Broken Presentation.

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.


Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, the salesman bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, you need to be able to continue on with a presentation no matter what happens.  Remaining confident and in control, can sometimes even mask the glitch, and your audience will be none the wiser.


"Presentation skills are key.  People who work for you represent your brand.  You want them to present themselves - and represent you - in a certain way."    -  Marc Benioff

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 8) The Memory Problem.

When Jones, a salesman, was stretched out on the psychiatrist's couch, he was clearly in a bad state.  "Doctor," he pleaded voice quavering and hands twitching, "you've got to help me.  I really think I'm losing my mind.  I have no memory of what happened to me a year ago, nor even a few weeks back.  I can't even recall yesterday with any clarity.  I can't cope with daily life, my customers, my orders, my prospects.  Text messages, emails, memo's, webcasts, conference calls, call reports, trip reports, expense reports, quarterly business reviews, weekly forecasts!  It's all a blur!!!   I think I am going insane!!"


"Keep calm, Mr Jones," soothed the shrink.  "I'm sure I'll be able to help you.  Now tell me, how long have you had this problem?"


Jones looked up blankly.  "Problem?  What problem?  Who are you?"


Moral of the story.   Sales professionals know that memory is a tool no salesperson can do without.  But like any other muscle within the human body; if abused for prolonged periods of time, it can wear down or even break.  If you're losing your memory don't tell any of your colleagues at work.  Sales reps are finely tuned predators.  If they sense weakness in one of their own they will attack quickly and without mercy.  Tearing apart territories and ripping into accounts.  Revenue will flow everywhere!  So don't let yourself become that gazelle at the back of the herd!  Utilize your company's CRM program.  You will soon find it is your new best friend.  If you place all your activities and tasks into it, you won't have to remember a thing. 


Now where did I put that d-a-r-n password?

Sales Joke of the Day (April 8) The Internet.

A salesman down on his luck, joined an internet dating site.  His first date was with a girl at a hospital.  When he went to meet her, she said: "I don't know if the the website told you, but I only have a few weeks to live."


The salesman responded:  "That's okay, I don't know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship anyway."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed in sales you need to be an expert on the internet.  More specifically you need to become an expert with internet searches.   All the information you need on prospects, products and competitors is out there, just waiting for you to exploit it!  Are you bold enough to take advantage of it?


"Getting information off the internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant."   
                                                       - Mitchell Kapor

Sales Joke of the Day (April 8) Trust.

Tony was very excited; he had just landed his first professional sales role. On his first day at the company, the sales manager took him up on to the roof of the building and said, "I am going to give you your very first lesson in sales. Stand on the edge of the roof."


Reluctantly, the new salesman moved closer and closer to the edge of the roof.


"Now," said the sales manager, "when I say, 'jump!' I want you to jump off the roof."


"But, sir," protested the green sales recruit, "that's a huge drop!"


"Do you want to succeed in sales?" said the sales manager."


"YES!"


"And you trust me, don't you?"


"Yes, I guess."


"So do as I say and jump!"


Tony jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His sales manager went racing down the stairs towards him. "That was your first lesson in sales, Tony. Never trust anyone in business!"


Moral of the Story.    There will be ups and downs throughout your career as a sales professional.  But if you work hard enough and persist long enough you'll end up graduating from the school of hard knocks with a Degree in Street Smarts.  But don't let the pavement hit you on the way down!  Ouch!!!


"A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them."   -  John C. Maxwell

Sales Joke of the Day (April 7) The Mailman.

The salesman's son was told by one of his friends that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them simply by saying: "I know the whole truth."


The boy decided to go home and put the theory into practice.  Greeted by his mother, he announced: "I know the whole truth."  She quickly handed him a $20 bill and said:  "Please don't tell your father."


Delighted with the result, the boy waited for the salesman to arrive home from work.  Then he greeted him with: "I know the whole truth."  The salesman promptly handed him a $50 bill and said: "Please don't tell your mother."


Overjoyed with the profit he made, the boy was on his way to school the next morning when he saw the mailman at the front door.  Deciding to try the plan again for just for fun, he said to the mailman: "I know the whole truth."


The mailman immediately dropped his pile of letters, spread his arms wide and said:  "Then come and give your father a big hug."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that if you want to succeed in sales it pays to tell the truth.  Like a successful mailman, the successful salesman always delivers.  If you want to get promoted within your firm it pays to know the truth.  If you want to have it all, become the blackmailman, and only threaten to deliver.


"If you want something, it will elude you.  If you do not want something, you will get ten of it in the mail."  -  Anna Quindlen

Sales Joke of the Day (April 7) Shoe Repair.

While rummaging through his attic, a salesman found a shoe-repair ticket that was nine years old.  Figuring that he had nothing to lose, he went to the shop and presented the ticket to the proprietor, who reluctantly began a search for the unclaimed shoes.  After ten minutes, the owner reappeared and handed back the ticket.


"Well," asked the salesman, "did you find my shoes?"


"Yes," replied the shop owner, "they'll be ready by Tuesday."


Moral of the story.  Follow up.  Every sales professional knows that without constant follow up and vigilant attention to detail,  opportunities will not close on their own.  Business, cards, leads from trade shows, articles on potential prospects that you've read; these all need to be entered into a CRM system with follow up tasks assigned.  The last thing you want to do, is file them away in a shoe box somewhere and forget about them for nine years.


"It isn't the mountain that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe."  
                                                  -  Robert W. Service 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 6) Ice Fishing.

A heavily inebriated salesman decides to go ice fishing.  He starts to drill a hole through the ice with his auger when a loud booming voice from above says, "There's no fish down there!  You can't drill down there!"


So the salesman stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again.   Again a loud booming voice from above says, "There's no fish down there!  You can't drill down there!"


So the salesman stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again.   Again a loud booming voice from above says, "There's no fish down there!  You can't drill down there!"


The salesman now very frustrated, looks to the heavens and asks, "God, why are punishing me?  Is it because I have drank too much?"


"I am not God," replied the booming voice, "look over here in the stands stupid.  I'm just the arena manager!"


Moral of the story.   Sales professionals know that just because you have the ability sell well; it's a useless skill unless you also have the ability to pinpoint where you need to be selling.   And to whom.   City websites, chamber of commerce websites, and some state governments have studies online that will cover what industries are hot in a given geographic area.  From there it's a simple step to narrow your search by region, industry and executive type through data.com, Contacts by Jigsaw; and it's only a matter of time before you bring in the big one.


Happy fishing folks!   And remember it's only by casting according to plan that you will be able to keep your sales career from becoming frozen.

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."  
                                                         -  Stephen Wright

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 6) Choices.

A son in his early thirties was still living with his parents, who worried that he seemed unable to decide on a profession.  Even they were unsure what path he should follow, so in hopes of providing some career guidance, they set up a secret test.


They took a $20 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whisky and put them on the hallway table.  The couple then hid from view in a nearby closet.   The salesman explained to his wife:  "If our son takes the money, he will be a salesman just like me, no good salesman leaves money on the table, ever.  If he takes the Bible he will become a priest.  But if he takes the bottle of whisky, then I'm afraid he will end up being a drunkard and will continue to live with us for several years to come."


Peering through the closet keyhole, they saw their son arrive home and look at the items on the table.   First he took the $20 bill, held it up to the light, and slipped it into his pocket.  Next he picked up the Bible, leafed through the pages, and put it in another pocket.  Then he grabbed the bottle of whisky, took two big swigs, and took it with him.


Seeing his son disappear up to his room carrying all three items, the salesman whispered to his wife:  "Darn!   Our son is going to be a politician!"


"There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."  -  Denis Waitley

Sales Joke of the Day (April 5) The Construction Project.

Fred was the manager for a construction project in downtown Rochester, New York.  And his first order of business was to take bids from the local construction companies for the job.  The first interview was with a representative from Zabriskie Brothers Construction.


"You've seen the plans," stated Fred, "How much will you charge to get the job done?"


"Two hundred thousand dollars," replied Zabriski.


"Reasonable, " commented Fred.  "What's the breakdown?"


"One hundred thousand for materials, one hundred thousand for labor."


"Okay," said Fred, jotting down the bid and showing Zab to the door, "I'll get back to you."


The next appointment was with Geno Rasario of Rasario and Sons Construction.  Their bid was four-hundred thousand.  Two-hundred thousand for materials and two hundred thousand dollars for labor.


"That's a little high," said Fred as he showed Rosario to the door, "I'll get back to you."


The third bid can from Ian Lyon Construction and Consulting.  Calculating quickly, Ian Lyon offered, "Six hundred thousand dollars."  


"Wow! That price is high," exclaimed Fred.


"You shouldn't be concerned about price alone Fred," countered Ian.  "You have to also consider the value you will be receiving."


"Would you be so kind as to break that "value" down for me then Mr Lyon?" asked Fred.


"Certainly," replied Ian Lyon.  "That would be two hundred thousand for me, two hundred thousand for you and two hundred thousand for Zabriski Construction."


"Now that sure is my kind of value," said Fred.  "You got yourself a deal."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in a competitive sales situation they can better their chances of winning the business by presenting last.  By aligning your proposal more tightly to your customers' needs and your customers' sense of value, you'll be able to win the business.  Never play the game of competing on price alone because there will always be someone else who is willing to sink lower than you.


"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder."    -  George Washington 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 5) The Duck Hunt.

The salesman was a keen hunter, who needed a new bird dog.  His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.  Amazed by his discovery, he was sure none of his co-workers would ever believe him.


He decided to share his great discovery with his sales manager in order to impress him and perhaps get a raise.  If he could impress his sales manager, an eternal pessimist who steadfastly refused to be impressed by anyone or anything, the salesman knew he would be able to impress anyone.  So his pessimistic boss was invited to go along on a hunting trip to the country with the salesman and his new dog that Saturday.   However, the salesman deliberately refrained from mentioning his dog's special talent, he wanted to see how his boss would react.


The two men and the dog made their way to a good hunting lake and as they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew overhead.  Both men fired, and a duck fell.  The salesman's dog jumped into the water, but instead of sinking, it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than its paws wet. This continued throughout the day.  Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.


The pessimistic sales manager watched carefully, observing everything, but did not say a word.   On the drive home, the salesman couldn't take it any longer, so he asked his manager, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" 


"Sure did," replied the pessimistic sales manager.  "He can't swim."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that you have to stay focused on your customers at all times in order to succeed at sales.   If you come across a big opportunity, don't make a big deal about it.  Just do your job and close it.  Don't waste your time trying to impress your manager, you could walk on water, and they still wouldn't notice.  As far as  sales managers are concerned, as a sales rep, you've got a target.  Hit that target and you survive.  Miss your target and you become one.   As a salesperson, if your hunt goes bad, remember to duck.


"Optimism doesn't wait on facts.  It deals with prospects.  Pessimism is a waste of time."      -   Norman Cousins

Sales Cartoon of the Day (April 4) Mobile Killing Retail?

Sales Joke of the Day (April 4) The Brain Operation.

A salesman in upstate New York, wanted to marry a woman from the old country, but the old country had a law that you have to be from the old country to marry someone from there or at least "fit in" with the general population.  Since he was an intelligent salesperson, an old country tribunal ruled that he would have to have at least 50% of his brain removed to "fit in."


So the salesman goes to a surgeon and says "Doc, I just have to marry this woman.  I love her so much.  Can you remove 50% of my brain so I can fit in?"


After much persuasion, three probing questions, two trial closes and a, what if scenario later, the doctor finally relents by saying, "Well, it's risky but okay."


So into the operating room they go for the partial brain removal procedure.   Later, when the salesman wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are very, very, sorry.  But we accidentally removed 85% of your brain instead of just 50%.


The salesman looks up and says, "I object your honor!"


Moral of the story.   Since the beginning of time, sales professionals have always known that sales is something you "do" while law is just something you "practice."   In law, objections are just "raised" but in sales objections are actually "handled."  Quite frankly if there were more salesman in government, rather than lawyers, we'd be looking to Washington for ROI instead of just asking "Why? Why? Why?"


Why doesn't America send more salesmen to Washington?    I don't know.  Could it be because sales professionals actually ask questions and solve problems ?


So if a lawyer, ever tries to hold their degree, their status or their reputation as a lawyer over you.   Tell them.......


"I could have been a lawyer.....   But I didn't want to risk the operation!"


"It is not what a lawyer tells me I may do; but what humanity, reason, and justice tell me I ought to do."    -  Edmund Burke

Sales Joke of the Day (April 4) The Condition.

The salesman's wife asked the hospital doctor:  "How is my sick husband, he was admitted yesterday?"


"Ah yes," said the doctor.  "Since he has been here, he has done nothing but complain.  He has complained about his bed, he has complained about his food, he has complained about the temperature in the room, both too hot and too cold, and he has complained about the nurses."


"The salesman's wife frowned, looked down at her shoes, her eyes started to tear up as she looked again at the doctor and pleaded:  "So you mean....?"


"Yes, interrupted the doctor.  "He's still critical."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals understand that while critical thinking can be an asset when it comes to problem solving, a constant critical attitude can be hazardous to your sales career.  Just think, would you want to do business with someone who whines all the time?   A constant complainer will eventually alienate his customers, his boss, his co-workers, his family, his wife, his kids and even his dog.  At some point, he'll lose his house and end up living out of his old pickup truck listening to country music on the radio.   So remember, either pick up your attitude or it could be a pickup truck in your future.


"Criticism is always easier than constructive solutions."     -  Jaron Lanier 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 3) The Homecoming.

Show me a salesman who is greeted with smiles and compliments every evening, has his jacket hung up and his shoes taken off, has cushions arranged for him before he sits down, is made to feel comfortable and welcome in every way and is then served a delicious meal  -  and I'll show you a man who is a regular in a Japanese restaurant.   Or a star in a 1960's TV show.

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals never forget that the number one priority in their lives is their family.  Work comes second.   If coming home isn't the highlight of your day, it should be.   And when you are at home are you engaged with your family?  Are you plugged in?   Or are you tuning them out in the vague hopes that by staying connected to the office 24 X 7 you'll somehow get noticed and promoted for your dedication?  Get tuned in to your family now and get recharged, before you burn yourself out.

"The love of family and the admiration of friends is more important than wealth and privilege."                                     - Charles Kuralt

Sales Joke of the Day (April 3) The Faith Healer.

Among many other attractions, the traveling circus featured The Fantastic Francis Hardy, a faith healer who claimed the ability to heal any malady, slight or serious, real or imagined.  He usually drew a big crowd, from which he would select a few people on whom to practice his healing skills.  Among the unfortunate, one Friday night, were Susan Sussman, on crutches due to a congenital spine malformation, and Liam Bland, who suffered from a terrible lisp all his life.  So bad was his lisp that it was negatively impacting his chosen profession, which was sales.   "Susan and Liam," asked Francis, "do you want to be healed?"

"Yeth, thir," said Liam and Susan nodded vigorously.

Fantastic Francis motioned them behind a purple velvet curtain and proceeded to chant and pray, grinding powders together and swaying before the audience.  Finally he intoned, "Susan, throw out your left crutch."

A crutch came sailing over the curtain.

"Susan, throw out your right crutch."

A second crutch came sailing over the curtain and clattered on the floor at the healer's feet.

"Now, Liam," asked Francis solemnly, "I urge you, don't be afraid!  Say something to the people!"

Liam's voice came clearly from behind the purple curtain, through the loudspeaker system.  "Thomebody, pleathe help.  Thuthan Thuthman just fell down hard.  I think the broke her ath."

Moral of the story.  No matter how rough the first quarter may have been, true sales professionals know that a miracle will not save their 2014 sales number.  Only hard work and finely tuned sales skills will get get the job done.  Excuses and whining about the economy are crutches that many sales people lean on to rationalize their own shortcomings.  Throw these two crutches over the curtain to yesterday!   Let your confidence, your experience, your sales skills and your perseverance slay the quota dragon that stands before you in the path to your future success!   Fight on fellow sales pros!   Fight on!


"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not:  nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.  Genius will not: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.   Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."       -  Calvin Coolidge

Sales Joke of the Day (April 2) The Road Warrior.

A middle-aged salesman walks into his local bar, after work, with a huge grin on his face and ordered a round of drinks for the house. 

"It's nice to see someone in such a good mood," commented the bartender.  "Mind if I ask why?"

"This is the happiest day of my life!  I'm finally taller than our Vice President of Sales," explained the salesman, beaming from ear to ear.

The bartender studied his customer disbelievingly.  "Are you trying to tell me that someone at your age, in their forties, actually grew taller?"

"Of course not!" said the salesman.  "You see, our Vice President was in an accident on the interstate yesterday," he said cheerfully, "and they had to amputate both his legs."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know better than to celebrate the misfortune of others in public.  It looks bad.  Others will think less of you.   It is a far better practice to keep such enjoyments private and in the comfort of your own home.  The same goes for voodoo dolls, dart boards with executives or colleagues pictures on it, your do it yourself pipe-bomb kit, your knife collection and your expanding collection of hand held firearms.  While you may consider yourself to be a road warrior, others may just not understand the zealous passion you have for what you do.  So hold your emotions in check and wear your grin on the inside.  You'll be just fine.


"Each Warrior wants to leave the mark of his will, his signature on important acts he touches.  This is not the voice of ego but of the human spirit, rising up and declaring that it has something to contribute to the solution of the hardest problems, no matter how vexing!" 
                                                         -  Pat Riley

Sales Joke of the Day (April 2) Yoga Class.

An older salesman was telling a co-worker about the fitness club he had just joined.  "I took part in my first yoga class this morning," the salesman bragged.


"How did it go?" asked his co-worker.


"Well, I bent, twisted, turned, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but by the time I'd finally got my leotards on, the class was over."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals understand that while some preparation is necessary to succeed at selling, if you spend too much time preparing, the quarter will be over before you know it, and you won't have any sales to your credit.   When it comes to selling, yoga or any other physical activity, you won't get any results unless you "Just do it!"


"Yoga introduced me to a style of meditation.  The only meditation I would have done before would be in the writing of songs."   -   Sting

 

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 1) Name Dropping.

The salesman and his family were taking a tour through the White House. The salesman and his wife had been married for seven years and had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda. 


The salesman was getting tired of pushing his daughter in the stroller so he said to his son, "Jimmy, cart her around." 


The janitor who was busy mopping the floor, but still overheard the salesman, replied,  "No, but Obama is just down that hall in the West Wing." 


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that they need to be very discrete when dropping names.  You never know who may be listening and just how they may be connected to the name being dropped.  Remember, name dropping, like a wet floor, can get slippery.  Proceed with caution.

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 1) The Baseball Game.

At long last the good-humored sales manager felt compelled to call his top salesman, Juan, into his office.


"It has not escaped my attention," the sales manager pointed out gently, "that every time the Los Angeles Dodgers have a big home game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."


"You know, you are right, sir," exclaimed Juan.  "I hadn't realized.  You don't suppose she's faking now, do you?"


Moral of the story.   It's that time of year again.  Baseball season has just started.  Sales professionals know, that rather than attempting to "steal" the afternoon off to go watch the game and risk getting "caught" and "thrown out" of the company; it's a far "safer" play to "tag" your boss on the shoulder and invite him or her along for a "double steal" that afternoon.  It will give you a great opportunity to know your boss as an individual, when he or she doesn't have the home field advantage of their office to stifle any personal bonding that might take place.   If it's a great game and your boss happens to be a fan, it could mean a "home run" for your career.  Make it an afternoon game and the two of you will be able to "slide safely into home" just in time for dinner.  If your boss has young kids, make sure to pick them up some souvenirs so your boss has something to give them when he or she gets home.   Make a hero out of your boss, in the eyes of his or her kids, and you've just hit a "grand slam."    So take yourself and your boss out to the ball game and put some "juice" back into your sales career!   Play ball!


"Do what you love to do and give it your very best.  Whether it's business or baseball, or the theater, or any field.  If you don't love what you're doing and you can't give it your best, get out of it.  Life is too short.  You'll be an old man before you know it."  -  Al Lopez 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 1) The Frog.

The family had gathered at together for Easter.  The salesman's son kept pestering Grandpa, "Make a sound like a frog.  Make a sound like a frog."


"Make a sound like a frog?  Now why would you want me to make a sound like a frog?"  asked Grandpa.


In response, the salesman son says, "I heard Mom and Dad talking.  They said as soon as you croak, we can go to Florida!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know they have to always be on guard not say too much.  Always assume the walls have ears.   And never talk behind someone's back, for if you do, someone else is sure to ribbit, ribbit it.


"We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well.  He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well.  If he surfaced he would have an entirely different view." 
                                                          - Mao Zedong