The salesman really hated his wife Patricia's cat. So he decided
to get rid of it for good. The salesman put it in the car and drove 2
miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he
noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.
The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop
it off. But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day the salesman
kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it's
way home.
The salesman was so furious that he decided to take the cat even
further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right
again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He
then dropped the cat off.
Several hours later he phoned Patricia, "Darling, is the cat there?"
"Yes," she answered. "Why?" The salesman replied bitterly, "Put that
flippin' animal on the phone. I'm lost and need directions."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales they must know their own backyard better than
anyone else. Getting lost on your home turf is not an option. Stay
focused, and never be led by a stray.
"Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them." - Jim Davis
A salesman walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The salesman says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."
The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"
The doctor steps back in horror, and the salesman says, "I know, but
it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the
salesman's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just
ten bucks?"
Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The salesman then
says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts
his ear to the salesman's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I
have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"
The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, they need to be able to quickly identify if things are broke quickly. If a prospect is broke, don't waste your time trying to selling them anything, because they can't afford to pay. If things at your company are broken, you need to establish if they can be fixed or not. If they can be fixed, is it worthwhile hanging around? If they can't be fixed, perhaps it's time to move on. And if you're broke, it's time to cut expenses and get a better paying job.
"Human beings will line up for miles to buy a bucket of catastrophes, but don't try selling sunshine and light - you'll go broke." - Chuck Jones
Mike and Bill, a salesman and a systems consultant, are hanging
out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in Northern Idaho. They have an
appointment with a local prospect the following afternoon. At that
moment a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work," said the bartender. He pops open the cash register,
pulls out a wad of bills and counts them into the rancher's outstretched
hand.
After the rancher leaves, the salesman, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "You boys mustn't be from around here. Haven't you
heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county
ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn
varmints came onto my property and laid waste to my chicken coup. Old
man Miller down the road even lost four of his prized cattle to the
blood thirsty beasts! They are vicious, and they got no fear. They
gotta be stopped. So I'm offering a bounty of a hundred dollars to
anyone who brings in a wolf pelt.
Mike and Bill took a look at each other, and immediately race out of
the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several
hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. The salesman
takes aim with his rented rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two
colleagues sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with
the pelt.
Suddenly Bill, the systems consultant says, "Hey Mike look!"
"Not now!" Mike says. "Can't you see I'm busy with a hundred dollars almost in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver, "No Mike, look now! We've bitten off more than we can chew here."
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up. The two men are surrounded
by a pack of at least 50 wolves. Every one of them growling, drooling,
gnashing their teeth and licking their chops.
Mike the salesman takes the sight in and gasps, "Wow! We're going to be rich!"
Moral of the story. As a sales professional, if you find yourself
out in the middle of nowhere, chasing an opportunity that has nothing to
do with your company's core competency, and your system consultant
warns that you've bitten off more than you can chew! Listen to him!
There could be more than just your personal credibility on the line. It
could be your career!
"If you live among wolves you have to act like a wolf!" - Nikita Khrushchev
Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.
"Thank you," said the homeless unemployed salesman. "Your generosity
is much appreciated. You know, my life used to be great but just look
at how low I've sunk now."
"How do you mean?" asked the saleswoman.
"Well," he explained, "I became a multi-millionaire by selling real
estate. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of
thousands deposited in each."
"So where did it all go wrong?" asked the saleswoman.
The homeless salesman sighed: "I forgot my mother's maiden name."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you need to be organized. Your digital
information must be organized too. Personal finances, legal documents
and your passwords must all be managed effectively and securely. It's
all part of life in the digital age. Adapt and thrive or don't change
and dive. The choice is yours.
"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anyone else use
it and get a new one very six months." - Clifford Stoll
A famous salesman told the following story at a retail conference:
"There
was town out in the Old west that had two general stores. Harry, who
owned one of them was a workaholic. He opened early, stayed in the store
all day and closed late. Even so, he barely made a living.
Larry,
who ran the other store, came in at nine. At ten he went out back where
he kept some cattle, and made all the cows turn and face north. After
lunch, Larry went out back again and made all the cows turn and face
south. This practice was repeated every day.
Larry's store was successful and he became wealthy."
The speaker then asked his audience if anyone could tell what principle of merchandising was illustrated by the story.
A
guy in the back stood up and said, "That's easy. The point is if you
want to be successful in merchandising, it is important to rotate your
stock!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales, you need to be able to tell a good story.
People sometimes will not listen to things they are told directly. But
everybody loves and remembers a good story. Arm yourself with a few
that have morals designed to counter the most common objections your
prospects give you. Then watch your sales soar!
"Writing is an extreme privilege but it's also a gift. It's a gift
to yourself and it's a gift of giving a story to someone." - Amy
Tan
A salesman decided to take his client out for a night on the
town. To shake things up a bit they walked into a haunted house. The
salesman wanted to capture a picture of his client beside a ghost with
his new digital camera. After a couple hours, they finally saw one. It
was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture with the client.
The
salesman took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the
ghost posed for another one with his client, but unfortunately again,
the picture turned out dark.
The ghost had to go, so the salesman was not able to capture the picture he wanted.
It just ghost to show you, that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
continue to build more rapport and more business with clients, nights
out on the town often do the trick. If for some reason your client
gets a little bored or doesn't like the venue you've selected, don't
worry! There's nothing a few spirits can't fix!
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein
A young salesman was in love with two women and could not decide
which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When
asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and
the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales, they need to compel their prospects to make a
firm commitment. If the prospect delays, chances are they are being
pursued by at least one if not several of your competitors. Always
find out exactly who your rivals are, and then carefully but
systematically "coach" your prospects through a thorough examination of
each of their remaining options. During these comparative
discussions, always remain calm. Never become bitter or terse.
"A relationship requires a lot of work and commitment." - Greta Scacchi
Two salesman stopped by a local theme park for lunch. They were
sitting outside eating at a table on an extremely windy day. The area's
custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very
small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time
trying to not be blown away.
One salesman joked with the lady,
telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she
went outside to work.
The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales they must go the extra mile when diagnosing
prospects' problems and issues. Merely just stating the obvious without
fully understanding the implications of the problem or suggesting the
benefits of a well thought out solution to your prospect, isn't going to
get your prospects' attention. Second, make sure that all your sales
presentations to prospects have emotional impact! When it comes to
your sales presentation; you want your prospects to be blown away!
Without putting real effort into your presentations however, you won't
have a prayer.
"Our work is the presentation of our capabilities." - Edward Gibbon
A salesman goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice says, "Nice Tie!"
The
salesman looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled, he
takes another sip, and again the voice says, "Nice shirt too!"
Now the salesman calls the bartender back and complains that every time he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.
"Oh never mind that!" replied the bartender. "That's just the peanuts! They're complimentary!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you need to be part of a great team. Sales can't
succeed alone. Marketing, support, engineering, finance, collections
and human resources all contribute to your success. Don't forget to
pay them at least compliment from time to time. After all, compliments
are free!
"Everybody likes a compliment." - Abe Lincoln
The salesman stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully
flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or
"Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.
Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.
Bewildered, the salesman demanded, "What was that for?"
"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly, ... "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales they need to be able to quickly build rapport with new
prospects. One of the easiest ways to accomplish this is with a smile.
When you smile, you want to make sure your teeth are sparkling, clean,
and all there. In order to guarantee good oral health and a healthy
smile you need to brush your teeth at least twice a day and floss
regularly.
"Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them." - Andre Maurois
Two new salesmen were sitting outside the large company's corporate clinic. One was crying.
"What's the matter?" asked the second new salesman.
"I had to come here for a blood test," replied the first.
"So, that's nothing to be afraid of," asserted the second.
"You don't seem to understand. For the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second salesman started to cry too.
"Why are you crying now too?" sobbed the first salesman.
"Because they called me in for a urine test," cried the second.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in sales you need to be able to deal with cuts. Whether it's
your finger, your account base, your territory, your commission rate,
your base salary, or even your job; cuts are just something you have to
deal with. Regardless, cuts are nothing to cry over. Keep a stiff
upper lip, pick up your briefcase and carry on! Tears for Fears, may
have been a successful rock band in the eighties, but they're not going
to help your sales career.
"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like
your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut
yourself out of stone." - Henry Rollins
A down on his luck salesman and his wife have identical twins.
But because times are so tough, they decide to give them up for
international adoption.
One of the two boys goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other son goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells the salesman that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal.
The salesman responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales, they must never forget the concept of uniqueness.
Even though some situations may seem to be identical, every customer has
their own unique circumstances, wants, needs and goals. Never forget
that. Never make a prospect feel that they're in the middle of a
cookie cutter sales process. They won't like the taste, they'll think
you're half-baked and they'll spit you out of their buying process
faster than you can say "chocolate chip." Hmmm... Think I'll get
myself something to go with this cup of hot chocolate.
"The two worst strategic mistakes to make are acting prematurely and
letting an opportunity slip; to avoid this, the warrior treats each
situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formulae, recipes,
or other people's opinion." - Paul Coelho
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. A salesman named Benny,
had decided to sell them shoes and all sorts of other footwear his firm
had designed specifically for desert climates. Since the local people
believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, Benny grew
himself a huge beard to fit right in with the community and build
rapport.
But after several days of door to door selling, Benny
the salesman, began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this
hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, but his local inside
sales representative was shocked and said, "Do you not remember the
ancient legend, Sire? The man who removes his beard is cursed and made
into a piece of earthenware."
Benny, the salesman, had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being
headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent
beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It
lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized
clay vessel where only moments before had stood the salesman.
The local inside sales representative then knew the legend must be true. His conclusion?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales, sometimes you need to be a little nomadic.
Traveling from town to town, city to city, hotel room to hotel room, can
get to be a little tiresome at times. As an outlet, some road
warriors abuse the corporate expense account, from time to time, in
order to compensate themselves for the inconvenience of being away from
home. Don't fall into the corporate expense account spend trap. Be
frugal instead. Don't waste funds just because they aren't your own.
Or someday, a corporate accounting dust storm will suddenly come up and
shave you off their books as an expense line item, permanently. And
your career? Well, it would be urned as well.
"I am a traveler. I am a nomad. I rarely sleep in the same bed more
than three or four nights. And I know hotel life better than
anyone." - Diane von Furstenberg
After a long evening drinking in the golf club bar, a salesman
set off for home, but half a mile down the road his car was pulled over
by a police officer.
The officer did not need a breathalyzer to see what the problem was. "You're too drunk to drive," he said.
"Too drunk too drive?" repeated the salesman. "I'm too drunk to putt!"
After his car was impounded, his mugshot and fingerprints taken, a
court date set and bail posted, the salesman took a cab home. When the
salesman got home, his wife was fit to be tied.
After two hours of non-stop nagging, the salesman couldn't take it
any longer. He turned to his wife and yelled, "Be quiet! Or you will
drive me out of my mind!"
"That wouldn't be a drive," she argued. "That would be a putt!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know better than to
drink and drive. For if they do, they know it could cost them some
"green." But, in addition to the monetary costs there's the additional
trouble and "rough" time one's entire family would be "putt" through.
And that just wouldn't be a "fair way" to deal with things now "wood"
it? Don't get "trapped" by the drink, be a "tee"totaller, "fore" your
kid's sake.
"Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I am able to
tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something." - Ray Romano
The salesman was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter
day when it began to snow pretty heavily. His windows were getting
icy, his wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the
strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building
up on his front window the salesman suddenly had a great idea. He
stopped and began to overturn large rocks until he located two very
lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.
The salesman grabbed them
up, straightened them out flat and installed them on the car's wiper
brackets, and they worked just fine.
Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in business you have to be able to drive long distances in a lot
of inclement weather. There are no "snow days" off in sales. In
order to arrive at your destination safely, when driving in winter
conditions, make sure your windshield wipers are working perfectly and
that your windshield wiper fluid tank isn't running on empty. In many
northern climates, it's a good idea to invest in a good set of snow
tires. That added traction could make all the difference between
arriving on time or arriving in pieces. Last, make sure to allow extra
time to travel in bad weather. Speed is not your friend on slippery
roads, and is the number one cause of winter car accidents. The second
cause of winter car accidents? Motorists having to swerve quickly in
order to avoid people who have gotten out of their cars at the side of
the road in order to look for new wind-chilled vipers.
"Then come the wild weather, come sleet or come snow, we stand by each other, however it blow." - Simon Dach
Mr. D. Ed Beat, a salesman, was in dire need of periodontal work,
so Dr. Graves, an oral surgeon, performed a series of operations over a
three-month period. The salesman however, paid only for the first
third, ignoring all Dr. Graves remittance notices and threats of
collection agencies. Finally the desperate oral surgeon enclosed a
snapshot of his three little children in a note that read, "Dear Mr.
Beat - here's why I need the money you owe me."
Dr. Graves was thrilled when an envelope arrived from D. Ed Beat a
week later. Opening it up, he found a large photograph of a gorgeous
woman. Scrawled on the bottom was a note form his errant patient:
"Dear Dr. Graves - here's why I can't pay!"
Moral of the story. In today's world of e-business, e-mail and
e-lectronic communitcations; sometimes if you really want to get your
message across take it old school! Sending out an eye-catching
brochure with a personalized note just scrawled across the bottom gets
noticed. It shows you care. By the way, when it comes to debt, professional sales people should know, you never bite off more than you can chew.
"Friendship, like credit, is highest when it it not used." - Elbert Hubbard
A Vice President of Sales of a major company was scheduled to
address an important convention, so he asked his executive assistant to
write him a punchy, twenty minute speech. But when the Vice President
of Sales returned from the convention he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?" he raged at his
executive assistant. "Most of the audience walked out before I was
even halfway through!"
The executive assistant was mystified. "I wrote you a twenty minute
speech," he said. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that when you give
a speech, never rely on others to do your preparation. You never want
to be caught short.... or long.
"Mind your speech a little lest you should mar your fortunes." - William Shakespeare
The salesman had a dog named Trousers. Trousers was normally a
happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other
doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
The salesman was walking Trousers along a trail at the park, when
suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He
had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trousers
and the salesman. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to
pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long
rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on the salesman's, Trousers took
it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and
sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trousers
immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly.
He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove
the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trousers had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you have dress the part. This includes having
good taste in trousers. When selecting trousers, you need to make sure
that they are long enough, but not too long. You need to make sure
they fit well, but not too tight. And you need to make sure they are
made of high quality material. But whatever you do, before going out
to see a client, make sure you have your trousers on, or your visit
could be very "briefs."
"I want to go out at the top, but the secret is knowing when you're
at the top, it's so difficult in this business, your career fluctuates
all the time, up and down, like a pair of trousers."
- Rod
Stewart
A woman was waiting at a bus stop when a salesman arrived with
envelopes and stamps plastered in a neat design all over his bare
head.
The perplexed woman said: "If it's not a silly question, why have
you got envelopes and stamps stuck all over your head in some sort of
design?"
"Oh that!" replied the salesman. "It's just mail pattern baldness."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales, all forms of communication need to be leveraged. In
the information age, when everyone else is using email, perhaps a good
old-fashioned, personalized, stamped, hand-written, letter, might just
make an impact. But don't get carried away with all the envelopes and
stamps though. Others might think you've gone postal!
"I get mail; therefore I am." - Scott Adams
The neighbor wondered why the salesman's wife was wearing black.
"My husband died last week," she explained.
"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that," said the neighbor.
"Yes, he became ill on our last alpine vacation. He suffered a heart attack when someone attached a rocket to his skis."
"A rocket?" asked the neighbor. "That's terrible."
"Yes, after that he went downhill very fast."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales you have to be able to deal with sudden ups and downs
in your career. By keeping your nose to the grindstone and staying
focused on your goals, no matter what obstacles may come your way, your
career will be sure to take off like a rocket.
"Sometimes it's all about the win, sometimes it's about the skiing." - Bode Miller
To the irritation of the judge, the salesman was trying to be excused from jury duty.
"Tell me," rapped the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in this trial?"
The salesman replied: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.
"Yes," admitted the salesman, "But I don't want them to realize it."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you need to make your self indispensable.
Indispensable to your customers, your co-workers and your employer. How
do you do this? By being fully engaged in what you do. By going the
extra mile and by trying to help those around you become better at what
they do. Second, listen! You'd be amazed at all that you can learn
about your company, your products and yourself; just by listening to
those around you. Chances are, if you are just going through the
motions between 9 to 5, no one is really going to miss you. And it's
just a matter of time before they realize it.
"Leadership and learning are indispensable to one another." - John F. Kennedy
The salesman’s co-worker decided to get married on Valentine’s Day.
Attending a wedding for the first time, the salesman’s little girl
whispered to him, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The
salesman thought for a moment and whispered back, "because white is the
color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
His daughter thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in sales one must strive to keep the peace on the home front.
Especially, on special occasions like Valentine’s Day, you have to
remember to cover all your bases. So, to all you married guys out
there, make sure that you call your wife from work right now, and wish
her a heartfelt “Good Mourning!”
"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
- Frank Morgan
It was Valentine's Day. The elderly salesman and his wife were
lying in bed that night. The salesman was beginning to fall asleep, but
his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, the salesman reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, the salesman reached across, gave his wife a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the blankets and got of out bed.
"Where are you going?" asked his wife.
"To get my teeth!"
True sales professionals know that in order to be successful at
sales, sometimes it takes patience. Certain prospects will make you
jump through hoops. They just love to live through some of the old
times over and over and over again before they place their order. The
best thing you can do, is to just have patience, grin and bare it. And
if you still have them, show some teeth.
"A kiss makes the heart young and wipes out the years." - Rupert Brooke
A young salesman found himself alone again close to Valentine's
Day. Determined to change things, he decided to sign up with a
matchmaking service that guaranteed him a blind date before Valentine's
Day.
That afternoon he received an email with instructions on where to go
for dinner to meet his match. So, at the specified time, the young
salesman showed up at the restaurant with a dozen roses and made his way
to the exact table as specified in the email. Unfortunately, the
young woman at the table was conspicuously ugly. The young salesman
thought for a moment, that he should just turn around and leave. The
matchmaking service did not provide either party with pictures or even
names, so she was "blind" to what he looked like and who he was. But,
he reasoned, it wouldn't be right to just leave her there alone. So
he made his way to the table.
When he got there, the young salesman asked, "Are you waiting here for a blind date?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"Well then these are for you," stated the young salesman as he handed her the roses.
"Thanks!" she exclaimed. "I wasn't expecting, I , I, I've never
received roses before!" The salesman noticed a small tear well up in
the corner of both of her eyes.
"I know that this dating service thing is little awkward, but can I ask you your name?" asked the salesman.
"Why of course," replied the young woman. "My name is Thursday."
"That's an unusual name," countered the salesman.
"I know," asserted the young woman. "My grandmother, who raised me,
told me that when I was born, my mom and dad got their first look at
me in the hospital, they turned to one another and said in unison, 'I
think we better call it a day.' "
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed at sales, perseverance is key. No matter how ugly a Thursday
appears, just work through it. It really isn't that bad. Besides,
with the weekend just around the corner you'll have plenty of time to
unwind, recharge, put Thursday behind you and get ready for another week
of opportunities.
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." - Douglas Adams
"I wish you a tolerable Thursday. That's all any of us can hope for." - April Winchell
Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. It
has been a closely guarded secret for year and even some of those
closest to him had no idea because of the remarkably good fit. But down
in the world of fire and brimstone, one salesman did find out, and he
decided to play a practical joke. So one night, the salesman, sneaked
past the guardian demons, crept into Satan's bed chamber, stole the
hairpiece and made good his escape!
When the devil discovered that his wig had vanished, he was furious!
He immediately summoned his demons and demanded to know which of them
had allowed an outsider to break into the Satanic quarters. Nobody
owned up, which made him madder still.
So he called a general meeting of the entire underworld, ordering
everyone to attend. The meeting took place in a giant cavern, and as
Satan stood up to speak, there were stifled giggles from the audience as
people saw for the first time that their leader was follically
challenged. As the giggling turned to peals of laughter, Satan roared
impatiently: "Be quiet!!"
A deathly silence descended. "Whoever stole it," bellowed Satan,
jabbing his finger angrily, "had better return it at once!" And then he
paused for effect before continuing........
"Or there will be H-E-L-L toupee!"
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales they sometimes need to have a very high laugh
threshold. When folks get together sometimes funny stuff just comes
up. At formal get togethers however, pointing fingers and giggling is
never acceptable. Instead, take out your smartphone and discretely
snap a photo. Once you're back in the seclusion of your own hotel room
or home; look at the photo again. At that point if it still makes you
laugh, email the photo out to a few friends or co-workers so they can
enjoy the chuckle as well. It can make for one h-e-c-k of a good time.
"Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?" - Frank Moore Colby
A puny bus driver pulled up at the bus stop and a giant of a salesman climbed on board.
"Big John doesn't pay," said the giant salesman and he marched straight to his seat.
Given the difference in build between the two men, the bus driver was not about to argue.
The next day the same thing happened. The mountain of a salesman got
on the bus, glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay." And
then he went and took his seat.
This went on for several days, by the end of which the driver was
starting to resent Big John, the salesman's attitude. Why should he not
pay when everyone else had to? So the driver went to the gym and began
an intensive course of body-building so that he could stand up and face
Big John, the giant salesman, like a man.
Two months later and with rippling muscles where there was once skin
and bone, the bus driver looked forward to his daily encounter. At his
usual stop, the colossal sales giant got on and announced, "Big John
doesn't pay."
But this time the driver wasn't going to take it lying down. He rose
to his feet and asked, "Oh yeah! And why doesn't Big John pay?"
The salesman reached into the inside of his suit jacket while he
said, "Big John doesn't pay." The driver momentarily feared the
worst. And then the gigantic salesman said, "Because Big John got bus
pass."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
be successful at sales you often need to look the part. While being
green, and taking public transit is great for the environment; it won't
be putting to much green in your commission pocket, if you are in field
sales. Like it or not, prospects and customers will judge how
successful you are by the make and model year of the car you drive. So
if you do have to take public transit; don't make a spectacle of
yourself, or your customers and prospects just might take a pass on what
you have to offer.
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want
is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks
down." -Oprah Winfrey
Sam, a salesman, wasn't happy about putting his dad in the state
nursing home. But it was all he could afford - until that day his big
deal came in. Wow! The size of that commission check! The first thing
Sam did with his newfound wealth was to move his father to the best
nursing home available.
The old man was astounded by the luxury of his new surroundings. On
the first day, as he was sitting in front of the television, he started
to list to his right side. Instantly, a nurse ran over and tactfully
straightened him out. Over lunch he started to lean a bit to the left,
but within a few seconds a nurse was there and gently pushed him upright
again.
That night his son, the salesman, called. "How are you doing, Pop?" he asked eagerly.
"Oh Sam, it's a wonderful place," said the father. "I've got my own
color TV, the food is cooked by a French chef, the gardens look like
Versailles, you wouldn't believe."
"I'm glad Pop. It sounds perfect," replied the son.
"There's one problem with this place though, Sammy," the father whispered. "They won't let you fart."
Moral of the story. If you're in a Friday afternoon business
meeting, and one of your colleagues is shifting from side to side, don't
worry. They are not passing out or having a bad reaction to street
pharmaceuticals. They probably just had the bean soup special for
lunch. Politely just reach down into your brief case, or notebook bag,
grab the hospital mask you've saved for just such occasions and put it
on with pride.
"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose you nursing home."
- Steven Wright
Staying the night in a cheap hotel in a dead-end town, the
salesman was bored out of his skull. The hotel bar, always his port of
call, was closed for renovations, there were no restaurants nearby and
the TV in his room was broken. The salesman resorted to looking in the
bedside table drawer for some reading material, but all he could find
was a Bible. He opened the first page and a note fell out.
It read: "My son, if you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and
seek help in your darkest hour of need, you can always call on me and I
will be there to ease your pain and anguish. Don't be afraid to pick up
the phone and call me. I will be happy to listen to your temptations
and be supportive as possible."
The note struck a chord, so, close to tears, the salesman picked up
the phone and called the number given. After a few rings and a few
seconds, a voice on the other end finally answered: "Harry's Liquor
Store..."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that when they
are on the road, it's best to stick to your regular routine and get
plenty of rest. Staying up too late or calling strangers will lead you
to trouble rather than solve your problems.
"The great advantage of a hotel is that it is a refuge from home life."
- George Bernard Shaw
A salesman traveling in south-east Asia was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.
"Do you mean to say that this is actually a bird's nest?" he protested.
The chef assured the salesman that it was, explaining that the bird built the nest with its own saliva as glue.
"Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a bird?" he demanded. "I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."
Realizing that there was no hope of converting him, or encouraging
him to try something different, the chef asked what he would prefer
instead.
The salesman responded, "Oh, just fix me an omelet."
Moral of the story. True sales professionals know that in order to
succeed in business, sometimes you have to adapt to different cultures
in order to build rapport. Refusing to even try foods from other lands
could cause you to be perceived as arrogant, disrespectful or rude. As
far as the business is concerned, you could lose a lot of it, and your
career could end up in hot water! So please, just eat the soup
.
"When I was having that alphabet soup, I never thought it would pay off." - Vanna White
