Sales Joke of the Day (August 22) Speeding

A police officer pulls a salesman over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer:   May I see your license?

Salesman:  I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:  May I see the Owner's Registration for this vehicle?

Salesman:  It's not my car I stole it.

Officer:  The car is stolen?

Salesman:  That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:  In the glove box?

Salesman:  Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:  There's a body in the trunk?

Salesman:   Yes , sir.

Hearing this the officer immediately called his captain.  The salesman's car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the salesman to handle the tense situation:

Captain:  Sir, can I see your driver's license?

Salesman:  Sure here it is.

Captain:  Who's car is this?

Salesman:  It's mine officer.  Here's my owner's registration card.

Captain:  Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there is a gun in there? 

Salesman:  Yes, sir.  But there is no glove in there.

Captain:  Would you now mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there is a body in it.

Driver:  No problem.

The trunk is opened, and there is no body.  There was no gun and the driver owned the car.

Captain:  I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in your glove box, and that there was a dead body in your trunk.

Salesman:  Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too!

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals fully understand how to undermine their competition by the clever use of exaggeration.  Leading someone on who actually supports your competitor within an account, can be very effective.  If done right you can undermine their credibility while simultaneously strengthening your position.  Can we say, "Winning?"

"Resume: a written exaggeration of only the good things a person has done in the past, as well as a wish list of the qualities a person would like to have."            -    Bo Bennett

Sales Joke of the Day (August 21) The Gut

A modest salesman is in the hospital for a series of tests.  One of the last tests left his system quite upset.  Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided his latest gut  feeling was just another false alarm.

He was wrong.

In a few seconds he had filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.  Losing his presence of mind, the salesman jumped out of bed, gathered up all the bed sheets, and threw them out of the hospital window. 

A drunk was walking by the hospital at the time.  When the soiled sheets landed on him he started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms wildly.  This drew the attention of a nearby security guard who ran up to the drunk and asked, "What's going on here?"

To which the drunk replied, "I just beat the "crap" out of a ghost."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know to always trust their gut.  They know from experience that failure to do so, can result in a messy situation.  And it's usually those on the ground floor of the operation that get hit the hardest from any bad news.

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."           -Steve Jobs

Sales Joke of the Day (August 20) The Close Shave.

A salesman enters a barber shop for a shave.  While the barber is foaming him up, the salesman mentions the problem he is having getting a close shave around his cheeks.  "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The salesman places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the salesman has ever experienced.  After a few strokes the salesman asks in garbled speech, "And what happens if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize that if you don't know or understand everything about a given situation; it's probably best if you just keep your mouth shut.

"Winning is like shaving - you do it every day or you wind up looking like a bum."     -  Jack Kemp

Sales Joke of the Day (August 19) The Genie.

A salesman and his wife were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar homes.  On the third tee the salesman said to his wife, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball.  "Don't knock out any windows..  It will cost us a fortune to fix!"


The wife teed up and shanked it through the window of the biggest house on the course.  The salesman cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!  All right, let's go up there and see how much this is going to cost us."  They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."


They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle on the floor in pieces.  A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"


"Yes.  Sorry about that," the salesman replied.


"No, actually I want to thank you.  I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle!  You two have released me!  I am allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one and keep the last one for myself.  How does that sound?"


"Great!: said the salesman.  I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 
 

"No problem, said the genie.  It's the least I could do..  And you?  What would you like?"


"I would like a home in every country of the world!" exclaimed the salesman's wife.


"Consider it done!" replied the genie.


"And what is your wish genie?" asked the salesman.


"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle I haven't had sex with woman in over a thousand years.  My wish is to sleep with your wife."


The salesman looks at his wife and said.  "Well, we did get a lot of money and all of those houses honey.  I guess I don't care."


The genie took the salesman's wife upstairs and ravished her for over two hours.  Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the salesman's wife and asked, "How old is your husband anyway?"


"35," she replied.


"And he still believes in genies?"  remarked the genie.  "That's amazing!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that their success and well being depends upon a thorough analysis of their prospects' needs before trying to close any deal.  During contract negotiations it is important to address all expectations that your prospect might have and make sure that their expectations are aligned with the capabilities of the products and or services your firm is positioning.  Failure to go through this process can lead to unrealistic expectations on the part of your customer resulting in an overall lack of satisfaction after the deal.  Repeat business will rarely occur in these types of situations.  And successful sales careers are often based around repeat business.


"Checking the results of a decision against its expectations shows executives what their strengths are, where they need to improve, and where they lack knowledge or information."     -    Peter Drucker

Sales Joke of the Day (August 18) The Gambler.

Harry, a salesman, was also a compulsive gambler who would bet on anything.   Cards, horses, roulette, dogs, football, baseball, dice, basketball, anything with odds, Harry couldn't resist.  One day after a run of bad luck, the salesman said to his friend, "Buddy, I hate asking you this, but I need $3,000 dollars urgently.  We've got no food in the house, I owe three months rent, the kids need new clothes and my wife is too ashamed to go out anymore because we have bad checks at every store in town.  Is there any way you can help me out?"

The friend thought for a moment before writing Harry the salesman a check for $4,000 so he could get back on his feet. 

"But there's one condition," the friend said.  "I don't want you using the money for gambling."

"No worries," said the salesman.  "I've already got some money set aside for that!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that bad habit of any kind can wreak havoc on a sales career.  When it comes to gambling on anything from a lottery ticket to a sports event, remember that the safest bet in the entire world is to bet on yourself.  Invest in your own career and improve your own odds of winning rather than throwing your money away on long shot, short-term victories.

"I would say, stay the hell away from the party scene. Anything you put in front of your goal, and especially something like that, whether it's too much gambling, too much food, too much cold beers on the weekend - anything that you put in front of the prize is going to end up getting in the way and hurting you in the end."                                                                                                                         -      Brad Renfro

Sales Joke of the Day (August 17) The Ostrich

A salesman walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down the bartender asks for their order.

The salesman says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich.  "What would you like?"

"I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 cents please," and the salesman reaches into his pocket and pays for both drinks with the exact change.

The next day, the salesman and the ostrich come into the bar again.  The salesman says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."  Once again the salesman reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asked the bartender.  "Well it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the salesman.  "Same for me," chimes in the ostrich.  "That will be $7.53 cents," says the bartender.  Once again the salesman reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir.  How do you always manage to come up with exactly the right change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well, says the salesman, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old oil lamp.  When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" replied the bartender.  "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right.  Exactly my intention.  Whether it is a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the salesman.

"You're a genius!" said the bartender.  "One other thing.  I just have to ask.  What's the deal with the ostrich?"

"Oh that," replied the salesman.  "My second wish was for a chick with long legs that would follow me everywhere and always want what I want."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that no matter how much digging around in your pocket you do, you'll never find enough money to meet your needs.  To be truly successful, you have to stay focused on the right things and doing the right things, consistently, day in, day out.   There are no genies, or short cuts, or talking ostriches to help you pay your  bills.   It's your use of your time and your talent, not mere wishes, that determine your success in life.  Choose wisely.

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."      -      Henry David Thoreau

Sales Joke of the Day (August 16) Choices.

A salesman and his wife had an older son who was still living at home with his parents.  Both were a little worried as their son was content just to remain at home and was still unable to decide about his career path.   This compelled the salesman and his wife to do something.  They decided to perform a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table.  Then they hid, hoping he would think that they were not at home.

The salesman told his wife, "If he takes the money off the table he will be a salesman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest.   But if he takes the whiskey, I'm afraid our son will just end up being a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously.  Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.  He saw the note they had left, saying they would be home later.  Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light and put it into his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality.  Then he left for his room carrying all three items.

The salesman seeing this, slapped his forehead and said, "Oh no!  It's worse then I had ever imagined!"

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

The salesman looked down at his shoes, and slowly turning his head from left to right, replied, "I'm afraid our son is going to end up being a politician."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that the success, or lack of success in their sales career, is really just the sum of the choices they have made in their life, so far.   Want to improve your sales results?   Simply improve the quality of choices you make everyday.  Or you too, could end up being a politician.

"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it."  -  Oscar Levant

Sales Joke of the Day (August 15) Artie.

A salesman named Artie, gets tired of working so hard in sales, taking rejection all day and not getting anywhere.  One day at lunch he sees all these guys in three piece suits and fancy cars and he decides right there to give up his career in sales and join the Mafia.

So Artie the unsuccessful sales rep goes up to one of the guys in a three piece suit and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill anyone for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, "Well you either have to be born into the Mafia, or you gotta kill someone for money."

So Artie replies, "How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, "I'm not going to pay you." 

Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what.  You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie replies, "Okay, deal!  Thank you!  Artie heads off on his mission.  he goes to Ralph's Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing her cart, and decides that she has lived a good life.  Artie goes up to her, grabs her around the neckand chokes her to death.    The bag boy sees Artie choke the old lady and chases after him.   Artie turns, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read,  "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Ralph's!"

Moral of the story..    True sales professionals know that sales can be a tough racket.  But if you are constantly choking just before a deal closes, it could mean the death of your career.

"Hold on with a bulldog grip, and chew and choke as much as possible."  -  Abraham Lincoln

Sales Joke of the Day (August 14). The Pebble.

Many years ago in a small town, a salesman had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a wealthy banker who owned a huge estate on the outside of town. The banker, who was old and ugly fancied the salesman's daughter. So he proposed a bargain. The banker said, "I'll forgive your debt if you let me marry your daughter."

Both the salesman and his daughter we're horrified by the offer. So the cunning banker suggested that they let providence decide the matter. Since they were standing near a creek bed on his huge estate, he told them he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into a small paper bag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble, she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble her father would be forced into bankruptcy and the salesman would lose the family home.

The banker then reached down into the creek bed to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that the banker had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. The banker then asked the girl to pick out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled it and let the pebble fall into the stream where it immediately became lost amongst all the others. "Oh my! How clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind. If you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Moral of the story. True sales professionals realize that honesty is always the best policy. It it the most powerful weapon one can use against those you meet in business who will try to lie, chest, or steal to gain an advantage. With simple street smarts, one can always use their nefarious activities against them.

"Love thyself last, cherish those hearts that hate thee; corruption wins not more than honesty."  -  Shakespeare

Sales Joke of the Day (August 13) Self-Worth

A well-known motivational speaker started off his seminar by  holding up a $20 bill.  In the room of 200 attendees he asked who would like this $20 bill?

Hands started going up.  He then said, " I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first of all let me do this."  The motivational speaker began to crumple up the $20 bill.  He then asked, "Who still wants it?"   Still the hands went up in the air.  "Well," he replied, "What if I did this?"  The speaker then dropped the $20 bill on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.  He picked the $20 bill up, now crumpled and dirty.  "Now who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.  "My friends.  We have all learned a valuable lesson.  No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.  It was still worth $20.  Many times in our lives we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decision we make and the circumstances that come our way.  We feel as though we are worthless,  But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.  Dirty or clean , crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who do love you.  The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are.  You are special, don't ever forget it."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that to be successful one must never discount their own value.  Always set goals just out of reach but not out of sight.   Last, never be your own best critic.  If you're not in your own corner, who else would be?

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy."     -    Wayne Dyer

Sales Joke of the Day (August 12) Gaining Entry

Three salesmen, a real estate salesman, a software sales person and a used car salesman were without tickets for the closing ceremonies of the Summer Olympic Games.  But each hoped to talk their way in at the gate.  Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the real estate salesman came upon a construction site, which gave him a great idea.  Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. 

The software salesman overhearing this, went at once to search the construction site.  He came up with a hammer and presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer."  He was also admitted.

The used car salesman combed the site for almost an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in.  Seizing a roll of barbed wire he presented himself at the gate and announced, "Smith, fencing."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that when you're boxed in with an account, and nothing seems to be going your way, you don't give up.  You get creative, re-arrange the facts at your disposal and try again.   Never let yourself get fenced in by stale thinking.

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up."    -    Robert Frost

Sales Joke of the Day (August 11) The Olympic Diving Champion

A salesman met a beautiful lady and he decided to marry her right away.

She replied, "But we don't know anything about one another."

The salesman answered, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So the woman consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when the salesman got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter boards and did a two and a half tuck dive, this was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.  After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel.

His new wife remarked, "That was incredible!"

The salesman said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So his new wife got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.  After about 30 laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath.

"That was incredible!  We're you an Olympic swimmer? asked the salesman.

"No," replied his new wife.  "I was a lady of the evening in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.   I agree with you now that we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that before they invest a lot of time and effort into a prospective business relationship that it makes business sense to do a thorough background check first.  You can't afford to waste time and resources on tire kickers or wannabes.  Make sure any business partners align with your business values and approach to the market place.  Remember that others in your industry may judge your firm on who you do business with, and a reputation, once destroyed, takes a long time to heal.

"A cardinal principle of Total Quality escapes too many managers: you cannot continuously improve interdependent systems and processes until you progressively perfect interdependent, interpersonal relationships."  - Stephen Covey

Sales Joke of the Day (August 10) Work Ethic

A salesman's teenage son asks his father if he could borrow some money to buy a car.

The salesman replied, "Son, I got my first motorcycle when I was 19, and with my own money!  I got my first car at 23 and with my own money!  At 25 I got married with my own money."

At this point the salesman's son interjected excitedly, "So there's no problem then Dad!  This car would be bought with your own money too!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know the tough lessons in life start early.   They know they have an obligation to instill in their kids a sense of work ethic, that sense of personal pride that comes from earning something on your own.  True sales professionals know that sometimes tough love with your kids is the only way to go.  Not only does it teach them something about life, it lets you keep some money set aside for your own retirement!

"I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me."
                                                  

                                                  
                                                                                          -       George Lopez

Sales Joke of the Day (August 9) The Police Officer

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.  At closing time, he saw a salesman stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.  Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.  By that time, everyone else had left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started his engine and pulled away.

The police officer was waiting for that salesman.  He stopped the salesman, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test.  The results showed a reading of 0.0.  The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The salesman responded, "Tonight officer, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Moral of the Story.   True sales professionals understand that anticipation, being able to predict how others will act in response to their actions, is crucial to one's success at negotiations.  Making sure one uses this skill for only good purposes however, is another skill entirely.

"But if we learn to think of it as anticipation, as learning, as growing, if we think of the time we spend waiting for the big things of life as an opportunity instead of a passing of time, what wonderful horizons open out!"               -  Anna Neagle

Sales Joke of the Day (August 8) You Won't Believe.

A salesman at a local department store had just finished his shift one hot August afternoon and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened in hardware this evening.  In all my years as a salesman I've never seen anything like it."

"What happened dear?" asked his wife.

"I came across two homeless guys sitting on the floor at the end of one of the aisles.  One of them was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks!" replied the salesman.

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!!   What did you do with them?" inquired his wife.

"Oh that was easy," said the salesman.   I had the one charged and let the other off."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that you may not believe everything you see during the course of your business day.  But one thing is certain.  You must believe in yourself if you are to be successful.  

"You have to believe in yourself.  And you have to down deep within the bottom of your soul, feel that you can do the job that you have set out to do."        -   William Castle Devries

Sales Joke of the Day (August 7) The Fishy Catch

A salesman had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.  On his way home, he stopped at the local fish market and ordered four catfish.  He told the fish monger, "Pick four large ones out and throw at me will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because, I want to be able to tell my wife I caught them!"

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy, " replied the fish monger.

"Why the roughy?" asked the salesman.

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take the orange roughy.  She prefers that for supper tonight."

Moral of the story.    Whether it's fishing or fish stories there's always a good line with a sharp hook at the end of it!   Good sales presentations should be crafted in much the same way.  Keep them short, relevant and customized with your sharpest "hook" at the end.  If you've done your homework, the last point should be the one that has the most impact on your prospects current situation.

"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish."
                                                  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               -   Mark Twain

Sales Joke of the Day (August 7) Being Boulder

A young salesman with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

His therapist trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your career and your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that the mediocre amongst us rarely finish in first.  To dominate in your field you have to be ahead of the pack.  You have to abandon all fear and seize opportunities as they arise.  Never doubt your own capabilities.  And always, always be bold!


"All good fortune is a gift of the gods, and you don't win the favor of the ancient gods by being good, but by being bold."  
                                                  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                     -    Anita Brookner

Sales Joke of the Day (August 6) It Starts Early

During a magazine and newspaper subscription a young paperboy learned about good salesmanship and bested his peers.  His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down.  One potential customer told the boy, "I've got papers magazines strewn all over the place!  I don't need anymore."

The kid's response?  "Well Mister, how about a subscription to 'Good Housekeeping' to help you get the rest of your magazines in order?"

He made the sale.

Moral of the story.   It's a tough economy out there.  But the kid's supervisor was spot on.  To be successful you have to maintain a positive attitude even when you're turned down.

"A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success." 
                                                  

                                                  
                    -    Elbert Hubbard

Sales Joke of the Day (August 6) The Mansion

A successful salesman and a taxi driver were both killed in a car accident and went to heaven.  Saint Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

"Come with me," said Saint Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did what he was told and followed Saint Peter to a mansion.  It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic sized swimming pool.

"Wow!  Thank you!" said the taxi cab driver.

Next, Saint Peter led the successful salesman to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 

"Wait a minute!" said the salesman.  "I think you are a little mixed up here.  Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?  After all, I was a successful salesman.  I sold lots of products, created jobs for Americans and donated thousands to charities."

"Yes that's all true," replied Saint Peter.  "But during your presentations people slept.  However, when the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that while success on the job is good and huge commission checks are great, there's simply more to life.  Ultimately, you won't be remembered by the number of zeros in your bank account.  You will be remembered by the time you put into helping others, and the efforts you made to make this world a better place.

"The vision that you glorify in your mind, the idea that you enthrone in your heart...   this you will build your life by.  This you will become."             -     James Allen

Sales Joke of the Day (August 5) Expectations.

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the gorgeous young lady said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress.  How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the "cheeky" salesman with a smirk.

"That's great!" said the gorgeous young lady.  "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the salesman quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.  

The young lady snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "My Grandpa will pay the bill."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals, know that they need to keep their expectations surrounding any potential transaction, in check.  Strong expectations can negatively affect the outcome of any future sales transaction.  The moment one's thoughts of personal reward exceed one's concerns for the customer in any future transaction, that transaction becomes jeopardized and your competitor's position strengthens.  In the long run, putting your customer's concerns before your own will actually increase your income.  Thinking in the long term is the trademark of any true sales professional.

"Limited expectations yield only limited results."           - Susan Laurson Willig

Sales Joke of the Day (August 4) Talent

A down on his luck sales rep walks into a decrepit diner for a quick cup of coffee.  He noticed another sales rep busing dishes.  "My gosh," the first sales rep said, "What is this?  A salesman with your talent, slaving in a greasy spoon like this?"

The second salesman retorted, "At least I don't eat here!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals realize that sales talent without persistence and daily effort does not produce results.  In sales if you want to elbow your way to the top, you'd better be willing to roll up your sleeves and apply a little elbow grease.

"Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways."      -      H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Sales Joke of the Day (August 3) Boss of Your Own Company

A salesman finally achieved the goal of a lifetime.  He became the boss of his own company.  Asked if it was all he'd expected it to be, he said,   "Let me put it this way.  The building code tells me what kind of plant to put up.  The union tells me what the salaries and the hours should be.  The government makes me deduct from paychecks.   My salesmen and saleswomen now tell me what they can sell and what I should make.  And on top of that, last month I got married."

Moral of the Story.      Erma Bombeck might say that the "Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank"  but where I'm from, no matter what, a good salesperson always takes "orders".
 
"A good boss makes his men realize they have more ability than they think they have so that they consistently do better work than they thought they could."      -   Charles Erwin Wilson

Sales Joke of the Day (August 3) Time.

A salesman walks into the Doctor's office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you are going to die," says the doctor.

The salesman asks, "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten," replies the Doctor.

"What the heck does that mean?" asked the salesman.  "Ten years?  Ten months?  Ten weeks?  What?"

The Doctor simply replies, "Nine."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals realize that time is their greatest asset.  Everyone gets the same amount each day.  Time can't be bought, saved or sold.   It can only be spent, invested or wasted, one second at a time.   How are you using your time today?  Are you making the most of it?  Or are you just letting it slip through your fingers?

"For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work."    -   Doug Larson

Sales Joke of the Day (August 1) Confidence

A salesman walks into a therapist's office looking very depressed.  "Doc, you've got to help me.  I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.  No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away," replied the salesman.

"My friend," said the doctor.  "This is not a serious problem.  You just need to work on your self-esteem.  Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.  Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.  But say it with real conviction.  Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.

The salesman seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.  Three weeks later he came back with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"No, it worked alright," replied the salesman.  For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments of my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So what's your problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't have a problem," the salesman replied.  "My wife does."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that confidence is a major source of power that fuels their success.  Such raw power in the the wrong hands, or if used carelessly, can have devastating results.  So use your confidence wisely my friends.

"Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance.  Without them it cannot live."               - Franklin D.  Roosevelt

Sales Joke of the Day (August 2) The Costume Party

A salesman and his wife were invited to a costume party.  That night as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a headache and had to stay home.  She told the salesman to go to the party without her.  "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said.  After further discussion, the husband put on his costume and went to the party.

The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.  After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband.  As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around."  She then got into a different costume so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party.

When she arrived at the party, she stood off to the side to get a good view of what was going on.  There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.  She decided to see just how far he would go.  So she went up to him and started dancing very close to him.  She whispered in his ear that they should go outside.  Going to the closest unlocked vehicle they could find, they got in and really fogged up the windows, while still in costume,  for about half an hour.  In baseball terms he had rounded the bases twice!  Her husband had been an animal!

Prior to the midnight unmasking, the wife rushed home and waited for the salesman to return so she could confront him.  The salesman arrived home at about 2am and climbed into bed.

His wife sat up and asked, "Well, how was the party?"

The salesman replied, "It was no fun without you honey."

She replied, "I don't believe you.  I bet you had all kinds of fun!"

The salesman replied, "Really, Honey.  When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.  In fact, I won fifty bucks!  But the real lucky one tonight was the guy I loaned my costume to, apparently he had one heck of a time in the parking lot!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in business you don't need to wear a mask or put on a costume to be successful.  The real trick in sales is to just be yourself.  That way you won't waste a lot of energy trying to be someone you're not, and you'll never be caught in any embarrassing situations.

"Fashion offers no greater challenge than finding what works for a night without looking like you are wearing a costume."                   -      Vera Wang

Sales Joke of the Day (July 31) Freaky Football

A salesman comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.  His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.  He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a huge fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What the heck was that?"

The salesman replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 to nothing."

His wife fully aware of her husband's hyper-competitive nature, thinks to herself, "I'll fix him." She lets one of her own rip loose between the sheets.

"What was that?" the salesman yells.

His wife replies, "Touchdown.  Tie game."

The salesman is furious.  He can't let his wife tie or beat him.  Not at this!  So he lays there for about ten minutes trying to work up another bowel buster.  In fact he tries so hard that he actually messes the bed with very little acoustic accompaniment.

His wife is somewhat startled, but has to ask anyway,  "What was that?

The salesman, temporarily lost for words, and somewhat embarrassed, blurts out, "Half time, switch sides."

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that staying out late till 3 in the morning and getting drunk is no way to win the sales game.  That sort of lifestyle can get real messed up, real fast.  Unless of course, you don't give a crap about your sales career.

"In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know where the goalposts are."    -   Arnold H. Glasgow

Sales Joke of the Day (July 31) The Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.  Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.  The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door.   A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed a mop.  Guaranteed to be super absorbant to keep his floors super dry and safe.   Slamming the door, the man returned to his bath.  Off went his slippers and his towels but as he moved towards the tub he slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard percelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.  Nothing is broken.  But you need to relax.  Why don't you go home and take a nice hot bath?"

Moral of the story.   Selling to your customers' pain is always the easiest way to sell.  What separates the average from the truly great sales professional is often timing.  Always remember this...  if you let a customer "slip" away it often hurts them way more than it hurts you.

Sales Joke of the Day (July 30) Lost.

One day a salesman was walking in the woods when he got lost.  For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.  He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.  Over a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.  Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him killing an endangered species.  At court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing remarks he asked the salesman, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.  I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.  What did it taste like?"

The salesman answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that amongst predators it's kill or be killed.  In the wild or in the sales jungle, if you aren't faster than the competition they'll eat your lunch, or eat you for lunch depending on the situation.  True sales professionals also know that whether it's walking through the woods or meeting your quota, if you don't map out your route, you are liable to get lost.

"He who learns but does not think, is lost!  He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."     -  Confucius

Sales Joke of the Day (July 30) The Bank Job

Two sales reps are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.  While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two sales reps, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, smart phones etc.

While this is going on sales rep number one jams something into sales rep number two's hand.  Without looking down, sales rep number two whispers, "What is this?" to which sales rep number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you!"

Moral of the story.   No matter how dire the circumstances a number one sales rep stays number one by always looking for opportunities to make money.  The ability to toss losing situations to your colleagues, cannot be overlooked.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."   -  Johnny Carson

Sales Joke of the Day (July 29) New Territory

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time.  After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel and went to its restaurant for dinner.  He ordered a small beer.  The waitress brought him a huge mug.

"Waitress" he said, "I ordered a small beer."  She responded, "This is Texas.  In Texas this is a small beer."   Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick steak so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the platter!

"Waitress, I ordered a petite steak."

She told him that in Texas that was a petite steak .   After awhile all that 'small' beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the rest room was.  She told him to go down to the hall two doors and turn to the 'RIGHT'.  The salesman staggered down the hall two doors, turned 'LEFT', and walked into the hotel swimming pool.    As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,  "DON'T FLUSH!"

Moral of the story.   When you get a new sales territory, for the first quarter or two it can seem like your drowning.  The trick is first, sit down and write up a business plan, a plan of attack, a "MAP" to success if you will.   Then simply work your plan.  Without a plan it's easy to get sidetracked and into stuff way over your head.

"A strategy delineates a territory in which a company seeks to be unique."   -  Michael Porter

Sales Joke of the Day (July 29) The Dinner Party

A salesman hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.  All during the sit-down dinner, the salesman's three year old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her.  The cute little girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The salesman's boss, checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing he did could stop the little girl from staring at him.  The sales manager tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.  He asked the salesman's daughter, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The salesman's little girl replied, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know better than to mix work with the home front.  Especially when kids are involved.  Kids tend to tell the truth regardless of consequences.  Exposing your young ones to the duplicity of the work environment could scar them for life and stunt their social development.  If you feel you must entertain your work colleagues, do so at a restaurant.  No good can come from your co-workers finding out how you really live outside of nine to five.

"And I'm not apolitical - I'm very specific in my politics. But a lot of the time it's nobody's business unless you're over at my house having dinner."               -         Tom Hanks

Sales Joke of the Day (July 28) The Job Interview Question

This brain teaser was actually used in a job interview....    see how you do.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream partner again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the woman of my dreams."


Moral of the Story:     Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Sales Joke of the Day (July 28) The Happy Meal

A young salesman goes to McDonald's for lunch and notices an elderly couple sit down in the booth next to him.  They had ordered a Happy Meal and an extra drink cup.  As the salesman watched, the elderly man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.  Then he carefully poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and sat that down in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young salesman decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another Happy Meal for them so they didn't have to split theirs. 

The old gentleman replied, "Oh no.  We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young salesman then asked the wife if she was going to eat.   She replied, "It's my husband's turn with the teeth!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that whether you're at home, at the office, or on the road; you always need to take care of your teeth.  Nothing makes a prospective customer feel more at ease than a warm, friendly, cavity-free, smile.  Know this, if you look after your teeth, they will last you a lifetime.  And nothing makes a meal more "happy" than having the ability to chew it all by yourself, with your own teeth.

"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."     -  Herb Caen

Sales Joke of the Day (July 27) Salesperson's Famous Last Words

"You can make it easy....   that train isn't coming very fast!"

"Gimme a match.  I think my gas tank is empty!"

"Honey, these biscuits are hard!"

"If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop."

"Say, who is the boss of this joint anyhow?"

"Let's see if it's loaded."

"Step on her, boy, we're only going 75 and we don't want to be late for that meeting!"

"Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it."

"I used to run track in college, I can keep up with you in the corporate 10 mile run no problem.

"What?  Your mother is going to stay another month!"

"Just watch me dive from that bridge!"

"Try shaking the propane tank first and then hitting it with the sledge hammer.  It can't be empty yet.  Don't want these hamburgers going to waste!"

Moral of the story.    During the lazy, hazy days of summer salespeople everywhere tend to let their guard down.  Professionals on the other hand always stay alert and make smart decisions.   Besides it tough to hit quota when your dead.   So now that it's summer out there folks.....   play safe!

Sales Joke of the Day (July 27) Good Mourning!

A salesman passes away.

His widow and her friend are sitting together having lunch after the funeral service.  The friend asks the widow if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her.  "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance but it's all gone already."

"All gone already?" the friend asks, shocked.

"Yes," said the widow. 

"I don't understand," says the friend.  "How did you go through $10,000 so quickly?"

"Well, it's really not as bad as you think," said the widow.  "I had to pay $5,500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and the $3000 left over was for the memorial stone.

Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says, "That must have been some memorial stone for $3000!"

The widow answered, "You bet!  It's three carats, the gold one next to my ring finger.  Don't you just love it?"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that good times don't last forever.  During boom times, you need to save some of those big commission checks for when times are tough.  In addition, you must also plan for your loved ones in case tragedy strikes and you're not around.  Your income would need to be replaced.

But it's Friday folks!    No need to get depressed over all that mortality stuff!   Go out and party!!!  Enjoy the weekend!   Life is too short for worry!!!   Live while you can!!!

"For years I have been mourning and not for my dead, it is for this boy for whatever corner in my heart died when his childhood slid out of my arms."      -    William Gibson

Sales Joke of the Day (July 26) The Druggist

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, a salesman was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.  He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the salesman drove downtown to the druggist to demand an apology.

But before the salesman could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now just a minute.  Listen to my side of it.  This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car.  Just then I realized I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.  So I had to break a window to get my keys.  Driving a little too fast to work, I got a speeding ticket.  Then about three blocks from the store I got a flat tire.  When I finally got to the store, there was a line up of people waiting for me to open the place up.  I got the store open and started waiting on the folks in line.  All this time the phone kept ringing.  Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register to make change.  They spilled all over the floor.  I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick them all up.  Did I mention the phone was still ringing?  When I got back to my feet, I cracked my head on the open crash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on t and half of them hit the floor and broke.  The phone is still ringing with no let up, so while I'm bleeding and stinking of too much perfume I finally get a chance to answer it.   It was your wife.   And when she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer, I simply TOLD HER!"

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals understand that some prospects and customers aren't grumpy at them, their company or the products they're selling.  They're just grumpy because they're having a bad day.  They're not saying no to you but rather, they are just saying no to their present situation.   True sales professionals know that when situations like this occur, wait 48 hours and try again. 

"I wanted to be a pharmacist. I liked the way our local pharmacist was always dressed in a nice white coat; he looked very calm, you'd give him money, and he'd give you something that you wanted to buy."   
                                                                
-   Walter Matthau