Sales Joke of the Day (April 30) The Smart Phone?

A salesman, picks up his iPhone, dials his home and a strange woman answers.  The salesman asks, "Who is this?"


"This is the maid," answers the woman.


'We don't have a maid," says the salesman.


"I was hired this morning by the lady of the house," replies the maid.


The salesman says, "Well, this is her husband.  Is she there?"


"She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I thought was her husband," replied the maid.


The salesman, now furious, yells at the maid, "Listen would you like to make $50,000?"


The maid replies, "What would I have to do?"


"I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she is with," replies the salesman.


The salesman hears several footsteps moving away from the phone.  He hears screaming, and then two gunshots, and then several steps as the maid comes back to the phone."


"What do I do with the bodies?" asks the maid.


The salesman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."


Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a swimming pool."


A long pause and the salesman says, "I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals pride themselves on their data accuracy.  Having an inaccurate phone number on your smartphone could cost you, or someone else, dearly.  So do your part to help make the sales profession safer, only maintain and distribute accurate contact information.

"An iPod, a phone, an internet communicator....  these are NOT three separate devices!  And we are calling it iPhone!  Today Apple is going to reinvent the phone.   And here it is."   -  Steve Jobs

Sales Joke of the Day (April 30) The Weigh In.

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.  "Listen to these features:  it's calibrated to one one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or in meters; it gives you a read-out via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..."


"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a food chain of home furnishing stores, but before I place an order, I'll have to try it out."


"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.


But no sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth:  "One at a time please, one at a time!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that provocative statements and questions are often used to make a prospect feel uncomfortable to the point of wanting to make a change.  However, if mishandled, provocative questions or statements could lead to embarrassment on behalf of the prospect.  This is overkill and will kill your chances of making any sale to this account in the future.  Remember, when it comes to provocation, don't push the envelope too far, or your pay envelope could end up being a lot lighter in the near future.  


"One of the tragedies of modern times is that people have come to believe that something said by someone in the past, perhaps for illustrative or provocation purposes, actually represents that person's beliefs at the time."    -  Idries Shah 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 30) A Family Pack Pact!

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."


"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"


The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."


"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales, their integrity and their long term reputation need to be kept intact.   Selling one's soul to the devil, to a boss or to a customer, just to get a commission check, won't pay off in the long run.  Any "bargain" you make at the expense of others, will eventually come back to haunt you.   Simple solution?   Never compromise your ethics.   If your gut is telling you that you are doing something wrong, listen to your gut.

"Don't let people disrespect you.  My mom says don't open the door to the devil.  Surround yourself with positive people."      

- Cuba Gooding Jr.

Sales Joke of the Day (April 29) The Ex-Girlfriend.

A salesman and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the salesman keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. 


The salesman's wife asks, "Do you know her?" 


"Yes," sighs the salesman, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 


"Wow!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that it's better not to bring up past girlfriends, past jobs or past felonies at anytime.  What's past is past, it can't be undone.  Nothing good can come from opening up old wounds or old records.

"If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future."    -   Winston Churchill

Sales Joke of the Day (April 29) Off The Rack.

A well-endowed woman entered a chic Madison Avenue boutique and tried on every evening gown off the rack in the store.  Finally setting eyes on a very sexy, low-cut dress hanging in the display window, she asked the exhausted salesclerk if she could try that one on.


"Of course, madam," he muttered through clenched teeth, squeezed into the display window, and began the painstaking task of taking the dummy apart to remove the gown.  Eventually he succeeded and was able to hand it over to the demanding customer.


"How do I look?" she asked, emerging from the dressing room thirty minutes later.  "Does it show off my cleavage to maximum advantage?"


"Oh absolutely," the clerk assured her, but do hairy chests run in your family?"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that no matter how frustrating a customer or prospect can be, one must always hold their tongue.  Never lose your cool.  Never explode just to get something off your chest.   It just isn't worth it.  In order to deal with the frustrations brought about by infuriating prospects and customers, might I suggest channeling those energies into physical activities after work.  Long-distance running, boxing, martial arts and team sports with lots of contact, like hockey or football, are all great ways of unleashing the fury within.  As an added bonus, this strenuous rage-powered exercise, will keep you fit and in shape to boot!  


Speaking of boot.   Nothing gives you more confidence, when your dealing with that particularly obnoxious customer, then the new self-awareness that comes with physical fitness.   Knowing that at anytime you please, later that evening perhaps, you can simply put on your ninja suit, drive over to that customer's home, (thanks to CRM you've got that address) and just take the boots to them till they cry uncle.   
  

Ah yes, sales is truly a "contact" sport.  

"I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy."

-  Tony Robbins

Sales Joke of the Day (April 29) The Motel Room.

A salesman who was out in his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.
 

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by UPS and search his pants for orders."


Moral of the story.   Good sales managers are persistent.  No matter what, they always try to get the most results out of their reps as possible!

"In one of my classes I ask my students to write on the subject, 'If I were to die tomorrow, how would I live tonight?'  Answering this question always brings great insight."

-  Leo F. Buscaglia

Sales Joke of the The Day (April 29) Selling "Blind."

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"


A voice answers, "A blind salesman."


The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in.


The blind salesman walks in, without batting an eye looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, I can see you enjoy your privacy in this lovely home and I was wondering if I could interest you in some blinds for your living room window.   You wouldn't want any of your neighbors catching a glimpse of you in an embarrassing situation now would you?"


Moral of the story.    Formal sales training and all the role playing in the world cannot possibly prepare you for every situation you'll "see" in the real world!  Like any good boy scout; professional sales people need to always be prepared for the unexpected!


"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't."    -  Blaise Pascal

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 28) Witness.

One day on a busy street corner, a huge man walks up to a police officer and says, "Theuse me offither, can you tell me where thidde thid, and thacramento ith?"


The police officer doesn't reply.  The large man asks his question again, but still no reply.  Finally the frustrated giant walks away.


A nearby salesman who witnessed the incident, walks up to the officer and asks, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento is?"


The police officer replies,  "Thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"


"To one who believes that really good industrial conditions are the hope for a machine civilization, nothing is more heartening than to watch conference methods and education replacing police methods."    -   Frances Perkins


Moral of the story.  Too often as sales professionals we rely on our gut, our ability to connect seemingly endless pieces of information together to make sense out of things, and our instinct to ask questions as soon as things don't seem to make sense to us.  While these keen characteristics lead to our dominance in the sales arena, if misapplied in the real world, our super human powers of perception, observation and interrogation could lead to our extinction as a species.  So sales pros, learn to keep those super powers of yours in check when out in public or when just spending some downtime on the weekend with your family.  

Sales Joke of the Day (April 28) Real Economic Recovery.

It's a slow day in a dusty little South Western American town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day, a rich salesman from the North East is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

He is given keys to a few rooms and as soon as the salesman walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub. The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar , who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The prostitute rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100. The motel owner then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich salesman will not suspect anything.

At that moment the salesperson comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the any government's stimulus package works!!!

Moral of the story.  Any real economic recovery always starts with the efforts and success of sales people.  So get selling folks!  Your country is depending on you.


"Economic depression cannot be cured by legislative action or executive pronouncement.  Economic wounds must be healed by the action of the cells of the economic body  -  the producers and consumers themselves."     -  Herbert Hoover

Sales Joke of the Day (April 28) Customer Service.

Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies' speed of service.


The first insurance salesman said:  "When one of our policyholders died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife so quickly that she received her check by Thursday morning.


The second insurance salesman said: "When one of our insured died on Monday, we were able to hand deliver a check to his widow the same evening."


The third insurance salesman said:  "That's nothing.  Our office is on the eighteenth floor.  One of our insured, is a window washer who just happened to be working on the seventy-third floor of our building Monday when he slipped and fell.  We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know the importance of customer service.  Few however, recognize the importance of taking the time to set realistic expectations for their customers before they purchase.  The sooner you do, the longer they will stay.


"High expectations are the key to everything."   - Sam Walton

Sales Joke of the Day (April 28) Salesman of the Year.

There was an interview on television with America's number one salesman of the year. The interviewer asked a number of the usual questions ... Where did you grow up? ... How did you get started in sales?, and so on, then he said: "You're the salesman of the year, so sell me something."


"What would you like me to sell you?"  asked the salesman.


There was an ashtray on the coffee table between them. "How about that ashtray?" replied the reporter.


"What do you want it for?" asked the salesman.


"Well, it'll stop my friends from getting ash all over the carpet, and it'll fit in with the color scheme of my living room, and besides that it's a nice looking ashtray."  replied the reporter.


"What do you think it might be worth?" asked the salesman.


"Oh ... about $15.00." replied the reporter.


"It's yours!" asserted the salesman.


Moral of the story....      great salespeople, true leaders in the field, are able with just a few simple questions to get their prospects to sell themselves.


"What makes us human, I think, is an ability to ask questions, a consequence of our sophisticated spoken language."     -  Jane Goodall

Sales Joke of the Day (April 27) The Efficiency Presentation.

The salesman concluded his presentation on efficiency with a note of caution.  "You don't want to try any of these techniques at home."


"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the room.


"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the salesman explained.  "She made tons of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.  Hon, I suggested, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"


The voice from the back of the room asked, "Did it save time?"


The salesman replied, "Actually yes.  It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready.  Now I do it in just seven."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals understand the power of a personal story.  If timely and on topic a personal story can establish instant rapport with your prospects.  People like buying with people.  Showing your prospects that you're  human too, and not just some lean mean commission machine, will go a long way toward breaking down barriers to real communication that may be keeping you from making that next step towards your next sale.


"Feedback is the breakfast of champions."    -  Ken Blanchard

Sales Joke of the Day (April 27) Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods!

An American salesman was playing golf in India on a remote country course.  The local villagers had not seen many Americans before, so his presence soon attracted a sizeable crowd who watched his progress enthusiastically.


The salesman seemed to respond to the attention, making a succession of low scores, which his new-found fan club applauded warmly.


On the eleventh hole, he surpassed himself by holing a thirty-foot putt for a birdie.  As the ball went in, the crowd shouted:  ""Tiger Woods!  Tiger Woods!"


The salesman thought such adulation was a little over-the-top but when he turned to acknowledge his fans, they had all vanished.  That's when he saw the tiger coming straight at him out of the woods.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know better than to let success go to their head.   They realize that if they take too much time to celebrate their victories they will lose focus and take their eyes of their game.  When that happens another apex predator will be eating their lunch or having them for lunch.


"Winning is not always the barometer of getting better."         -  Tiger Woods

Sales Joke of the Day (April 27) The Messy Sales Conference.

This year ... To make the companies annual Sales Conference more fun, the Sales Manager decided to arrange some light entertainment and hired a Hypnotist called the 'Amazing Jonathan'. The sales team were keen to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.


As Jonathan appeared on the stage, he announced, "Unlike most Hypnotists who invite a few volunteers from the group to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every salesperson in the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Jonathan took out a shiny antique watch from his waist coat pocket. "I want you to ALL keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch and has been in my family for over five generations." He began to swing the watch gently back & forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch ... Watch the watch ... Watch the watch ... "


The delegates became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth with the light sparkling off its highly polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until ... suddenly ... just as the final salesperson had fallen into a trance ... the watch slipped from the finger tips of the Hypnotist and fell to the floor, smashing into a dozen pieces. "SHEET!" said the Hypnotist   (avoiding the bleep filter)...    It took two weeks to clean up the Conference Centre.


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that at sales conferences you need to stay alert.  Ask questions.  You are there to learn.  Never fall in with the pack and never become mesmerized by all the BS that gets flung around at these events.  Getting caught up in all the hype could really mess up your future.


"A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."    -  Fred Allen

Sales Joke of the Day (April 26) The Deep Voice.

A salesman is walking along a lonely beach first thing in the morning; clearing his head for the chaotic workday about to begin in just a few hours.  Suddenly he hears a deep voice that says "Dig!"


The salesman looks around but nobody is there.  I am having hallucinations, he thinks to himself.  Then he hears the deep voice again,  "I said, dig!"


So the salesman starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after digging for some time, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.


The deep voice says, "Open!"


Okay, the salesman thinks, let's open this thing.  He finds a rock to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.


The deep voice says, "Las Vegas!"


So the salesman cashes his gold coins in at a local bank for just over $250,000.  Buys a plane ticket and heads for Vegas.  When the plane lands the deep voice says "Encore, get a room on the 27th floor."


So the salesman gets a room at the Encore, and as soon as he is checked in and drops his bags in his luxurious suite on the twenty-seventh floor; the deep voice says, "To the casino!"


So the salesman grabs his cash, dashes for the elevator and descends to the main floor casino.  Just as the elevator reaches the main floor, the deep voice says, "Roulette!"


The salesman scans the vast casino floor and spots both the teller window, where he swaps his $250,000 cash for a gigantic pile of roulette chips, and a nearby roulette table.  As he approaches the other players gaze at his pile of roulette chips in disbelief.


The deep voice says, "Twenty-seven!"


The salesman takes his whole pile of chips and drops it on the twenty-seven.  Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.   Clink, clink, clink, clink, the ball hits and sticks on thirteen.


The deep voice says, "Craps!"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know at times to trust their intuition, their gut, the "deep voice" within.  But they also know that one's "inner deep voice" needs to controlled by logic for optimal results.   True sales professionals know that if they let their emotions get out of control, it can have a disastrous financial impact on their career and future.  True sales professionals also know that one needs to put hard limits on the amount of resources one will put into any one deal.  Since  your time and your resources are limited and you need to make quota each and every year; true sales professionals know that they can only afford to take calculated rather than careless risks.   


So go ahead, listen to your own "deep voice."   But do so within reason.

"Change your life today.  Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay."  

-  Simone de Beauvoir

Sales Joke of the Day (April 26) The Standby Flight.

A salesman was on standby at the airport.  Finally his name was called to take the last seat on the plane.  His lucky streak continued when he saw who his seatmate was for the three hour flight.  She was a stunning woman whose reading glasses did not veil her beauty and whose tailored business suit did not succeed in concealing her voluptuous figure.  The salesman tried to engage her in polite conversation about the weather but only received a stare for his efforts.

Unfortunately, she kept her attention on the reports she was reading.  When the flight attendant offered drinks, she took a cola and he a vodka.  Somewhat later, in arranging her papers, a bump in the flight caused her to spill her drink on the salesman's lap.

Greatly flustered, she profusely apologized, and then added, "I'm sorry if I appeared rude earlier.  You see I'm totally caught up in my work and I never have any time for socializing.  Anyway, I'm very particular about men."

The salesman instinctively responded with a clarification question when he asked, "Well, what exactly do you look for?"

"There are three types of men that attract me," she responded.  "I like French men for one, they are so sensual and romantic.  I'm also attracted to Presidential men, men of power who command respect.  And last, I also like doctors because they know so much about a woman's body."

"By the way," she added, "my name is Sylvia Williams, what's yours?"

The salesman quickly thought and said, "Jacques Bush, MD., Madame.   At your service."

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that flying stand-by can be very frustrating.  But don't let it get to you.   Realize that on every flight you take, there could be an opportunity to do some business in the seat right next to you.   In cramped quarters, a little attention to the person next to you, and the ability to listen can go a long way.

"One of the greatest joys known to man is to take a flight into ignorance in search of knowledge."     -  Robert Staughton Lynd

Sales Joke of the Day (April 26) The Hunting Accident?

A couple of sales reps from New Jersey are out in the woods hunting when the healthcare rep falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. 


The used car salesman whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”


The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.


The used car salesman's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales you cannot rush things when it comes to tough situations.   When you are on the road and require technical support, make sure to use plenty of confirmation questions to make sure you completely understand the instructions you are receiving through the phone.  Acting on mere assumptions of what you think you hear could have very serious consequences.


"When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it is time to die."    -  Lillian Smith

                  

Sales Joke of the Day (April 25) Brains For Sale.

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. The shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:


Brains On Sale.


Hi-tech Salespersons' Brains ... $9/lb


Real Estate Salespersons'  Brains ... $12/lb


Life Insurance Salespersons'. Brains ... $15/lb


New Car Salespersons´ Brains ... $33/lb


Used Car Salespersons´ Brains ... $87/lb


Sales Managers´ Brains ... $146/lb


Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those sales managers´ brains must be something."


To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"


Moral of the story.    Sales professionals know that the true value derived from any sales transaction does not stem from the amount of work the vendor puts into the product.  Rather true value is derived from the net benefit received by those actually utilizing the product or service just purchased.  Often sales reps who use a cost plus price model leave money on the table that a prospect or customer would be willing to pay.  Once you get your head wrapped around the concept of value based pricing, your sales career will soar.   Start working out your brain today and really think about areas of your business where value-based pricing might apply.  A little bit of brain power focused on how your customer will benefit from your product or service will go a long way.   So get your head in the game.


"Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable."    -  Leo Rosten

Sales Joke of the Day (April 25) The Bell.

Years ago, a salesman, working for the Philadelphia Bell Company, traveled to France to pay a visit on one of their best clients, the Notre Dame Cathedral.   The new bell from Philadelphia, was much lighter, yet louder and would make one of the decision makers, Quasimodo's job of ringing the bell, a whole lot easier.


During the product demonstration, the salesman explained to Quasimodo how to swing the new bell clapper and stressed how important it was to move out of the way before the new, lighter bell clapper made its return.  The salesman then urged Quasimodo to give the new bell a try.


Quasimodo, used to the much heavier, previous clapper, was careless, however.  His brute strength sent the new clapper towards the bell at an odd angle, causing it to strike the salesman square in the face, sending him falling from the tower.


Quasimodo rushed to the street, where a crowd have already gathered.  "Do you know this man?" they asked him.


"No," Quasimodo answered.  "But his face rings a bell."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that before making a presentation, it's important to establish a personal rapport or connection with your prospect.   Without some emotional investment from the prospect, your presentation is sure to fall on deaf ears, and your sales will fall flat.  If you're not careful, you could fall flat too.


"Once that bell rings you're on your own.  It's just you and the other guy."    - Joe Louis

Sales Joke of the Day (April 25) Really "HOTmail!"

An Illinois salesman left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.


When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.


Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P. S.   SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals understand that in order to be successful at sales they need to be accurate with their emails.   Failure to ensure that you know, and correctly identify and personalize your targets, plus, failure provide them with information of value, could be considered spam.  Being considered a spammer, one who sends out meaningless promotions to folks they don't know, could have a big negative impact on your ability to send real emails to real potential prospects in the future.  Several mail servers could 'blacklist' you and that could have a real negative impact on your future earnings.

"Think about spam filters; if email didn't come from someone that someone you know knows, that's an important signal, and one we could embed in the environment; we just don't.  I just want the world to be filtered through my social graph."    -  Clay Shirky

Sales Joke of the Day (April 24) The Mother-In-Law.

Two salesmen were sitting in a bar discussing their respective mothers-in-law.  One said:  "They say if you look at your mother-in-law, you can see your wife in thirty years."

"That's bull!" said the second salesman.  "I looked at my mother-in-law this morning, at breakfast, and I saw my wife just fifteen minutes later!"

Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that the past or the present, can in no way be used to predict the future, exactly.   However, being able to identify a trend before others and plan for contingencies, does provide one with a little bit more adaptability to change.  Or a little bit more time to duck, run, and take cover.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.  My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?"  I said, "No, six should be enough."       - Les Dawson

Sales Joke of the Day (April 24) The Wedding Gown.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.”

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened." 

Moral of the story.  True sales professionals never get in a customer’s way who wants to buy something.  Suggestions are fine, as long as they do not appear as being too direct.  Subtle hints enclosed in questions, work well in these situations.  However, never impose  your personal opinion, political viewpoint, religious convictions or style on another individual.  Remember that as a sales professional or consultant, you are often placed in a position of trust.  Don’t abuse that trust, because, once it is lost, it’s impossible to restore.


"A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil.  She wants to see what she is getting."                                           -  Helen Rowland

Sales Joke of the Day (April 24) Get Away From It All.

In order to get away from their high-stress jobs, a professional insurance sales power couple, started to just relax on weekends in their motor home at their favorite campsite. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.


Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:


"Insurance agents. Ask about our term-life package."


Moral of the story.   True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales it's important to relax and unwind on weekends.  No one can operate efficiently 24 X 7.   So buy yourself some burnout insurance the only way you can!    Just get away this weekend.  Chill out and relax!!!


"It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me.  Yet at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them!"      -  Emily Giffin

Sales Joke of the Day (April 23) The Luxury Car.

Three salesmen died and went to heaven.  Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first salesman if he had been faithful to his wife.  The salesman admitted to two affairs during his marriage.  St. Peter told him he would receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.


Then St. Peter asked the second salesman if he had been faithful to his wife and the salesman admitted to one affair.  St. Peter told him he would be given a midsized car to drive.


The third salesman was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died.  St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.


A week later, the three salesmen were driving around heaven, and they all stopped at a red light.  The salesmen in the compact and midsized cars turned to see that the salesman in luxury car was crying.  They asked him what could possibly be the matter.  After all, he was driving a luxury car.


"I just passed my wife," exclaimed the salesman, "and she was driving just a skateboard."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that while others may judge your success in life by the type of car you drive; just because you have a luxury automobile, it doesn't mean you're happy.   Knowing the difference between must haves and nice to haves, is the real secret in setting your priorities in life.  Don't ever let shiny new material things dictate who you are or limit the person you could become.


"The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury."   -  Charlie Chaplin

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 23) Advice.

A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size eight.


The salesman said:  "Are you sure, sir?  You look like a size twelve to me."


"Just bring me a size eight," insisted the customer.


So the assistant fetched a pair of size eight shoes, and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort.  He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain.


"Are you absolutely sure you want these shoes?" repeated the salesman.


"Listen," said the man, "I've lost my house to the bank, I lost my job to someone offshore, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend and my son just told me he's a Chicago Cubs fan!  The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night, after spending all day looking for a part-time, and take my shoes off.  There's no way I'm letting you take that from me too!"


Moral of the story.    True sales professionals know that there are just some people who do not want to be helped.  No matter how badly they need your advice, your product or your service, they are intent on doing things their way, without you.   So be it.  Drop them as fast as you can and move on!   Some people just can't help themselves.


"Wise men don't need advice.  Fools won't take it."    -  Benjamin Franklin

Sales Joke of the Day (April 23) Aging.

A traveling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him.


"You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?"


"Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night."


"My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?"


"Twenty-five," was the reply.


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that in order to succeed at sales they need be functioning at peak levels of performance.  In order to perform optimally sales pros need to take care of themselves.  Smoking, drinking and partying non-stop is for the very, very young, or the very young who've aged themselves.


"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance.  Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations."    -  Ralph Marston

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 22) Last Call?

A salesman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.  The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've got some bad news for you.  You have cancer, and it can't be cured.  In fact you have just a few days or perhaps just a couple of weeks to live.  Mr. O'Malley you need to start making your final arrangements immediately."


O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news.  But as any true sales professional, he kept his emotions in check, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.  There he saw his son who had been waiting for him.  O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.  I have cancer and I've been given just a short time to live.  Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."


After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.  There were some laughs and more beers.  They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who asked what the two were celebrating.  O'Malley told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with a severe case of AIDS."


The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers.  After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.  "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer????   You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.   What's that about?"


O'Malley said,  "I am dying of cancer, son.  I just don't want any of my pals sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals never let bad news get to them.  Using superior creativity, objectivity and some imagination, they will make sure that they are optimally positioned for the next encounter.  This persistence, this never say die attitude, is the key to their success.


"While we are living in the present, we must celebrate life every day, knowing that we are becoming history with every work, every action, every deed."  -  Mattie Stepanek

 

Sales Joke of the Day (April 22) The Old Salesman's IRS Audit.

The IRS decided to audit the old salesman, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old salesman showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds …that believable."


"I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it," says the old salesman. "How about a demonstration?"


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."


The old salesman says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."


The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It’s a bet."


The old salesman removes his glass eye and bites it.


The auditor’s jaw drops.


The old salesman says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."


Now the auditor can tell the old salesman isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


The old salesman removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with the old salesman's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


"Want to go double or nothing?" the old salesman asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.


The old salesman stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.


But the old salesman's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.


"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when the old salesman told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it."


Moral of the story.  True sales professionals know that you have to be extra sharp and extra careful when you and a grizzled sales veteran are competing for the same business.   After all, who else do you know that can take on the IRS, his own attorney, urinate all over himself and still walk away with $25,000, without selling anything!


"The IRS!  They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"   -  Jerry Seinfeld